Used, abused and totally taken for granted

[Tink]

:cry: I'm SO mad :cry:

If my situation doesn't change soon I'm just going to go ballistic! I get home from work to find a huge mess, no one has let the dog out, he's ripped the house up because they couldn't bother to put him in his crate, and the dirty dishes and laundry just keep piling up.

The "kids" (ages 18 and 20) keep showing up at work to borrow money, and I'm not talking $5 or $10...

My son now owes me about $2000 and he has no job. He's up all night and sleeps all day and seems all too comfy with the arrangement. Hubby co-signed for his car, put it in our name, and now we're stuck with payments and insurance on it that we have to pay. It's not worth near what he owes on it, so we're stuck with it even though it's not something either of us would want to drive. He also took MY car last stpring without permission and got into a fender bender that cost $2500 which he's supposed to pay off. If he doesn't pay, HE loses his drivers license and I lose the license plates on my car. So you know who is stuck with that bill! If we add the cost of the car, the crash bill, and what he's borrowed from us, he owes more than $11,000 to us and the amount just keeps growing!

Hubby just can't see how nuts this is. Our son does nothing around here but mess and cost us BIG bucks. It's not fair to us, and it's not healthy for him to be getting by with it. I seriously resent having to work to support his lazy butt and live in his squalor to boot.

Our daughter usually pays us back as she works at burger king full time, but she too refuses to do anything at home. She messes but won't clean, and more often than not she treats me like I am simply in her way.

I often end up just sitting in my bedroom to avoid the chaos they cause when they're home, and get woke up several times a week by them calling for rides, or coming in late and being loud.

I won't get any help from them getting ready for Christmas, and would be shocked if I get som much as a card from either the kids or hubby. I'm tempted to just throw the tree out and say to heck with it.

How much is a parent supposed to tolerate? What can I do if my husband won't back me? I feel like I'm simply losing my mind and I want to just have some peace and a house I'm not ashamed to invite guests into. It seems that's asking too much. :(

[RLC12345678]

I am so sorry you are so sad!!!!!! :( :( :(

I say you sit down with your hubby and have a serious talk about asking your children to move out so you and hubby will be on the same page. Then I would start showing your children some tough love. It is obvious they don't appreciate what you are doing for them. So show them the alternative. Make them move out.

[blowry]

:cry: I'm SO mad :cry:

If my situation doesn't change soon I'm just going to go ballistic! I get home from work to find a huge mess, no one has let the dog out, he's ripped the house up because they couldn't bother to put him in his crate, and the dirty dishes and laundry just keep piling up.

The "kids" (ages 18 and 20) keep showing up at work to borrow money, and I'm not talking $5 or $10...

My son now owes me about $2000 and he has no job. He's up all night and sleeps all day and seems all too comfy with the arrangement. Hubby co-signed for his car, put it in our name, and now we're stuck with payments and insurance on it that we have to pay. It's not worth near what he owes on it, so we're stuck with it even though it's not something either of us would want to drive. He also took MY car last stpring without permission and got into a fender bender that cost $2500 which he's supposed to pay off. If he doesn't pay, HE loses his drivers license and I lose the license plates on my car. So you know who is stuck with that bill! If we add the cost of the car, the crash bill, and what he's borrowed from us, he owes more than $11,000 to us and the amount just keeps growing!

Hubby just can't see how nuts this is. Our son does nothing around here but mess and cost us BIG bucks. It's not fair to us, and it's not healthy for him to be getting by with it. I seriously resent having to work to support his lazy butt and live in his squalor to boot.

Our daughter usually pays us back as she works at burger king full time, but she too refuses to do anything at home. She messes but won't clean, and more often than not she treats me like I am simply in her way.

I often end up just sitting in my bedroom to avoid the chaos they cause when they're home, and get woke up several times a week by them calling for rides, or coming in late and being loud.

I won't get any help from them getting ready for Christmas, and would be shocked if I get som much as a card from either the kids or hubby. I'm tempted to just throw the tree out and say to heck with it.

How much is a parent supposed to tolerate? What can I do if my husband won't back me? I feel like I'm simply losing my mind and I want to just have some peace and a house I'm not ashamed to invite guests into. It seems that's asking too much. :(


I am a 49 yr old Mom with 2 grown up girls...(just don't want you to think I am just talking out of my butt)....Would you like my honest opinion??...

[Janet]

Okay Tink you asked for it!!!! I am a very strict disciplinarian so here goes.....

If my situation doesn't change soon I'm just going to go ballistic! I get home from work to find a huge mess, no one has let the dog out, he's ripped the house up because they couldn't bother to put him in his crate, and the dirty dishes and laundry just keep piling up

You need to quit doing their laundry....just stop. Right there will take half your laundry duties away. They are old enough to be doing their own. If you do this and they leave their stuff in the washer or dryer...put it in a garbage bag and take it to their room. Do not put it in the dryer or fold it for them. You'll have to be persistant, but it will work if they want clean clothes.

The "kids" (ages 18 and 20) keep showing up at work to borrow money, and I'm not talking $5 or $10...

My son now owes me about $2000 and he has no job. He's up all night and sleeps all day and seems all too comfy with the arrangement. Hubby co-signed for his car, put it in our name, and now we're stuck with payments and insurance on it that we have to pay. It's not worth near what he owes on it, so we're stuck with it even though it's not something either of us would want to drive. He also took MY car last stpring without permission and got into a fender bender that cost $2500 which he's supposed to pay off. If he doesn't pay, HE loses his drivers license and I lose the license plates on my car. So you know who is stuck with that bill! If we add the cost of the car, the crash bill, and what he's borrowed from us, he owes more than $11,000 to us and the amount just keeps growing.

Give them strict orders they are not to come to your place of work for money or anything else that isn't life threatening. Tell them the answer will always be NO. And don't give in. If they continue...send them on their way empty handed.

Your son is taking advantage of you big time. Tell him he has two weeks...no more...to get a job or the car goes. And then stick to it.


Our daughter usually pays us back as she works at burger king full time, but she too refuses to do anything at home. She messes but won't clean, and more often than not she treats me like I am simply in her way

If your daughter is working, even at Burger King, she needs to learn how to budget her money, so she is not borrowing from you. Take her mess and throw it in her room. Leave it, do not clean one thing for her. She is old enough to take this responsibility.

I often end up just sitting in my bedroom to avoid the chaos they cause when they're home, and get woke up several times a week by them calling for rides, or coming in late and being loud.

Change the locks on the house, if they come home after hours...don't let them in. They are living in your house and should be following your rules.

How much is a parent supposed to tolerate? What can I do if my husband won't back me? I feel like I'm simply losing my mind and I want to just have some peace and a house I'm not ashamed to invite guests into. It seems that's asking too much.

You are not asking too much Tink, not at all. Somewhere along the way they learned that this type of behavior was acceptable. It's time they learned it isn't and it will be hard at first, but to all those who wait....good things will come.

I know this will sound harsh...but quit being a doormat. People, kids included can only walk on you if you let them. Before it's all said and done with, more tears will be shed...but you've got to stick to your guns. It will pass and your children will probably be happier too, they won't have Mom going nuts on them. Just be persistant and see what's on the other side....I think you'll like it. :)

[Marilyn]

Tink, I sympathize with you and can relate to some extent. Though we don't have it as bad as you do. We have two daughters 19 and 21. They help around the house some, but not as much as they should. We have a bedroom right now that looks like you would not believe. My hubby told the guilty one he had talked to the landlord and if somebody did not clean things up, he would have to evict someone for health department violations. (Of course we are the landlord.)

It is very frustrating when we're both working and paying for the cars, gas, insurance, college, gym memberships and we come home to dirty dishes, the dogs have not been let out, clothes have not been washed and the place is a mess. When they have jobs, they spend they money on fast food, clothes and entertainment. (They did buy me a nice mother's day gift with my hubby subsidizing a little.)

They've had a few fender benders and have contributed some to the repairs but not enough. Sometimes I think we messed up somewhere with discipline or something.

We get up early and they sleep in late. I do feel your pain.

They are good girls, but can be very frustrating.

[blowry]

I was going to wait until I heard from Tink but, I see Janet has already said her piece so here comes mine!!



I agree with everything Janet has said...YOU have to stop!! STOP giving money, STOP doing laundry, STOP doing ANYTHING for them!! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO ON STRIKE!! I know as a Mom we want to do everything for our children but, this is NOT helping them to grow...they have to learn responsibilities...they should be helping YOU around the house...if it were me!!!! I would tell your son to get his lazy A%% out of bed and get a job!! IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO GROW UP!! If you stop giving money then he will HAVE to get a job...sorry Tink but, it sounds like you are making things easy for them...time to let them fend for themselves....esp if they aren't going to help you out .If you stop doing their laundry then they will have to do their own and if they don't! O WELL! wear them dirty!! time for YOU to get a little respect!!

K I'm done!
Hope you don't hate me now!

[DianaB]

I think that Janet has very good advice for you. It's time to put your foot down and have them listen to what you have to say.

You should probably type out the new rules and make sure that they have a copy so they won't be coming back saying that they 'didn't understand or you never said that" and make them sign it when you're done.

[Marilyn]

Okay Tink you asked for it!!!! I am a very strict disciplinarian so here goes.....



You need to quit doing their laundry....just stop. Right there will take half your laundry duties away. They are old enough to be doing their own. If you do this and they leave their stuff in the washer or dryer...put it in a garbage bag and take it to their room. Do not put it in the dryer or fold it for them. You'll have to be persistant, but it will work if they want clean clothes.



Give them strict orders they are not to come to your place of work for money or anything else that isn't life threatening. Tell them the answer will always be NO. And don't give in. If they continue...send them on their way empty handed.

Your son is taking advantage of you big time. Tell him he has two weeks...no more...to get a job or the car goes. And then stick to it.




If your daughter is working, even at Burger King, she needs to learn how to budget her money, so she is not borrowing from you. Take her mess and throw it in her room. Leave it, do not clean one thing for her. She is old enough to take this responsibility.



Change the locks on the house, if they come home after hours...don't let them in. They are living in your house and should be following your rules.



You are not asking too much Tink, not at all. Somewhere along the way they learned that this type of behavior was acceptable. It's time they learned it isn't and it will be hard at first, but to all those who wait....good things will come.

I know this will sound harsh...but quit being a doormat. People, kids included can only walk on you if you let them. Before it's all said and done with, more tears will be shed...but you've got to stick to your guns. It will pass and your children will probably be happier too, they won't have Mom going nuts on them. Just be persistant and see what's on the other side....I think you'll like it. :)

Janet, I just read this to my husband. We both think it is good advice!!

[Tink]

Yes Brenda, I need to know tht I'm NOT NUTS to feel this way!
I am SO sick of this and my husband is the one who refuses to let me kick them out or make them grow up!


I haven't done their laundry since they turned 12... for me that was the magic age to start doing your own. I had them do chores, had them do yard work and dishes, and so on when they were younger. Hubby is the one who seems to think they will just miraculously start doing this stuff again now that they've quit. I KNOW they won't because they know he won't let me do anything about it.

I am seriously about ready to just move out and let them destroy his house. he's never here anyway, so why not? HE is their enabler and I rank somewhere far below any of them.

[Janet]

I hope Tink you didn't think I was too rough. I didn't mean to be, but I do stand behind what I suggested.

My son is no angel at 15, but when I had my hysterectomy (I had a tumor the size of a small watermelon) 5 years ago, yes he was 10 years old. He did laundry...mine and my husbands, and kept the house clean, while his Dad was at work. He would even start supper and then Dad would finish it up. He was taught early. Now, I don't make him do it all the time, but he knows how. I do not clean his room, but let me tell, when he cleans (weekly) he does as good a job as I do and sometimes better.

I fix supper, he and his Dad clean up the kitchen. I do the laundry, they fold and put away their own. I wash the sheets, he puts them on his bed..the right way. He use to want an allowance, but I told him that his Dad or I didn't get paid to do things around the house. So he doesn't get one. We do things around the house because we are a family and want things to stay nice...not perfect, by any means...but clean and where they belong.

There are certain things he is expected to do...if they are not done...there are consequences. I've always found that the most important thing is to always "follow through." I do hope my previous post, at least, gave you something to think about.

[Janet]

Tink I feel so bad your husband lets the kids treat you this way. Wish I had an extra room...I'd let you come stay with me for awhile....:)

[blowry]

Yes Brenda, I need to know tht I'm NOT NUTS to feel this way!
I am SO sick of this and my husband is the one who refuses to let me kick them out or make them grow up!


I haven't done their laundry since they turned 12... for me that was the magic age to start doing your own. I had them do chores, had them do yard work and dishes, and so on when they were younger. Hubby is the one who seems to think they will just miraculously start doing this stuff again now that they've quit. I KNOW they won't because they know he won't let me do anything about it.

I am seriously about ready to just move out and let them destroy his house. he's never here anyway, so why not? HE is their enabler and I rank somewhere far below any of them.


Tink you really need to sit with hubby and let him know how you feel..I know what it feels like when you are at your wits end! The girls father (divorced now) was just like this...instead of making them do something he would just do it...didn't teach them anything...I have to say though I have very good girls...believe I had my days with them but, they are grown up now...

Have you ever thought about talking to someone? I mean professionally...sounds like you need it...and I DO mean this in the most sincere considerate way. And, if hubby thinks this is ok then I would let hubby deal with it...I wouldn't do anything for him either....let him take this on for a while and see what he thinks...My heart really goes out to you Tink....Sometimes you'd just like to give them a smack!

Chin up Tink.. it does get better as they get older!

[Emmsmom]

((hugs))

[Tink]

Thanks Ladies. To hear them tell it, I'm just expecting far too much and have turned into some kind of shrew.

I seriously want them OUT of here. I guess what I need to do is to kick the kids out and if Greg chooses to follow them, I'll have killed 2 birds with one stone. I found this house, I make the payments, I arranged the land contract on it, and I grew up just downt he road from it. I really don't want to leave. This is my HOME. However humble, I want to keep it.

I AM depressed, but it's not a chemical depression.. it's situational,. and I think until I get this resolved, it's just going to be like this for me.

I have one older daughter (different father, didn't get spoiled by him) who is married, is a nurse, works full time, is a good mom, and a wonderful daughter to me. She's a responsible loving person who I am very proud of. I wish I could say the same for the younger 2.

[RLC12345678]

Thanks Ladies. To hear them tell it, I'm just expecting far too much and have turned into some kind of shrew.

I seriously want them OUT of here. I guess what I need to do is to kick the kids out and if Greg chooses to follow them, I'll have killed 2 birds with one stone. I found this house, I make the payments, I arranged the land contract on it, and I grew up just downt he road from it. I really don't want to leave. This is my HOME. However humble, I want to keep it.

I AM depressed, but it's not a chemical depression.. it's situational,. and I think until I get this resolved, it's just going to be like this for me.

I have one older daughter (different father, didn't get spoiled by him) who is married, is a nurse, works full time, is a good mom, and a wonderful daughter to me. She's a responsible loving person who I am very proud of. I wish I could say the same for the younger 2.


You should give your husband some sort of ultimatum. The way he is treating you just is not right. You and your hubby are supposed to be a TEAM!

[Tink]

I have given ultimatums and this is the result.
I need to stand firm and just say do it or get out! I know this in my head... it's not so easy in my heart when I am so convinced that the only way out is for ME to go.

Do I call cops to evict my own kids when my husband has given them permission to stay? It makes no sense, but I know he will choose them over me. He always has.

[CChu]

Tink,

I am 25 years old and have no familyof my own. I make my own money and pay my mom every month, not much but enough to cover some expenses. I do often take her for granted and I realize that. To tell you the truth, it took me while to see that. Your son has to start making his money or he won't realize that money don't grow from trees. YOu daughter shuld know how hard it is to make a buck these days and I think that all she needs is a good sit down - NOT SCOLDING! Just express how you feel and explain that you are overwhlemed and need help to at least keep the house presentable.

FORCE your son to work! Take away his car until he finds a job, even though noone is driving it. TRUST ME- he needs to sense some sort of loss.

Hope this helped.

[Tink]

Thanks CChu

I have talked calmly, I have screamed like a banshee :o I have pleaded and threatened and they turn a deaf ear.

Finally I decided I am going to have to just draw the line and let them decide what to do. I wrote an email to the kids tonight and told them exactly what I expect from them if they want to stay here. Part of that was Joel getting a job and cleaning up after himself, part was Katie acting like she appreciates what we're doing for her whether she feels it or not. She doesn't have to respect me, but she'd best act like she does!

I totally laid it on the line and gave them deadlines for different things along with the consequences of not cooperating. I reminded them that if they can't live by my standards, they are both of age to move out and make their own rules in their own homes.

I told them I hope they stay and straighten out, but I won't accept anything short of what I've asked for.

So now we'll see what results. I simply have to do something before I just lose it altogether. Thanks everyone for the support and ideas. I knew I could count on you all to be honest and upfront with me.

I will keep you posted as to how it goes. I also sent a copy to my oldest daughter so when they call her to whine about how unfair I'm being (or to have me committed), she will know the truth of the matter from my perspective.

HUGS

[highlans]

MY daughter who is now married with a family of her own said to me the other day " I am sorry I did not help out at home more I did not realize how hard you worked to keep the house, food on the table, working and us all happy".
Did bring a tear to my eye's, better late than never.

[Cribal]

Tink, I just saw this and I'm happy to hear that your doing something about it. Just be sure to STICK TO YOUR GUNS and don't let anything go. I think Janet and Blowery gave you some GREAT advice and I hope this all works out for you.

[Emmsmom]

Thanks CChu

I have talked calmly, I have screamed like a banshee :o I have pleaded and threatened and they turn a deaf ear.

Finally I decided I am going to have to just draw the line and let them decide what to do. I wrote an email to the kids tonight and told them exactly what I expect from them if they want to stay here. Part of that was Joel getting a job and cleaning up after himself, part was Katie acting like she appreciates what we're doing for her whether she feels it or not. She doesn't have to respect me, but she'd best act like she does!

I totally laid it on the line and gave them deadlines for different things along with the consequences of not cooperating. I reminded them that if they can't live by my standards, they are both of age to move out and make their own rules in their own homes.

I told them I hope they stay and straighten out, but I won't accept anything short of what I've asked for.

So now we'll see what results. I simply have to do something before I just lose it altogether. Thanks everyone for the support and ideas. I knew I could count on you all to be honest and upfront with me.

I will keep you posted as to how it goes. I also sent a copy to my oldest daughter so when they call her to whine about how unfair I'm being (or to have me committed), she will know the truth of the matter from my perspective.

HUGS



You GO Girl ! You have gone above and beyond for Katie on numerous occasions! Even Berry and your mom know it. Even if Greg doesn't support you I am pretty sure they will. I would stick to it. If Greg doesn't like it what exactly is he gonna do? He isn't there much as it is becuase of work.

Say Greg gets ticked. I am sure he has room in his truck for at least one more. It might be good for Joel to get away.

You deserve to be respected and I agree if they can't they should leave. It really is too bad that you can't ship them off to the military. I think you are right about it being good for them.

Keep me posted. ((HUGS))

[DianaB]

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself!! Just stick with it and they'll see that you mean it and hopefully things will change. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[Janet]

I think it's great that you sent them an email. That way you can get your feelings out without them wanting to debate it. I just know it will work out somehow, just stick to your rules.

[Kimberley]

Ah, Tink! You've gotten some good advice. I was going to suggest going on strike...I've done it in the past because I didn't get help from hubby. You just hang in there...you've got a great group of friends here that will back you up and support you.

I was also going to suggest...If it were me??? I'd take about $500-1,000 and leave for a week. I'd find a cheap hotel somewhere and take a vacation just for me. I'd sleep in, eat meals by myself, go sight seeing, go watch an opera...whatever. But I'd live for ME for a week.

[khardy57]

Tink,
You've really had some good advice given here. I'm glad to see that you've taken the first step to getting control back from your kids. I am going to go one step further though. If the kids don't straighten up, I'd leave. You said your husband would choose them over you - so be it. You MUST have some kind of peace in your life and if you can't get it any other way then I'd leave. They've got to realize that you are serious.

I hope it works out for you. Please let us know what happens.

Kim

[cindy0721]

Good for you Tink! I was also going to suggest some of the above but what everyone told you is right on the $$... tell you what IF that hubby of yours won't respect you or your decisions.. show him the door .. tell him if he does not agree with how you run your house well"That door he sees right there, is wide enough for all three of them to leave out of!"

[Tink]

Thanks all. I need your suport right now to keep my spine stiff.

I haven't talked with my daughter yet, because she hasn't been home in several days. I doubt she's seen her email yet.

My son however, was quite unhappy with it. He did talk with a friend of his who has just signed up for the military and is now considering that for himself. He agrees he needs to make some big changes and did start straightening the house a bit today. He's a long way from where I'd like him to be, but at least he's talking rationally and sees a need for change.

I haven't talked with my hubby yet. I have no idea how he will react, but even with him I plan to just tell it like I see it and hope he's willing to see my side of things. I seriously won't be surprised if he doesn't, but that's a chance I have to take. I just can't continue like this.

[Emmsmom]

Good for you!! I think the military would be good for BOTH of them. At least you have one starting to think about going down the right path. I can't believe Katie has even bothered to call and check in. That would really tick me off!!I think you did the right thing. You have put up with so much for WAY to long.

((HUGS))

[DianaB]

Thanks all. I need your suport right now to keep my spine stiff.

I haven't talked with my daughter yet, because she hasn't been home in several days. I doubt she's seen her email yet.

My son however, was quite unhappy with it. He did talk with a friend of his who has just signed up for the military and is now considering that for himself. He agrees he needs to make some big changes and did start straightening the house a bit today. He's a long way from where I'd like him to be, but at least he's talking rationally and sees a need for change.

I haven't talked with my hubby yet. I have no idea how he will react, but even with him I plan to just tell it like I see it and hope he's willing to see my side of things. I seriously won't be surprised if he doesn't, but that's a chance I have to take. I just can't continue like this.

At least your son is making an effort and sees that he needs a change in his life. I hope that you see efforts from the others as well. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Tink]

Hubby just called and will be home in a bit. Since both kids are gone tonight, it will give me an opportunity to talk with him about this before the kids do which I think is good. So cross your fingers and say a prayer if you will. I need all the help I can get.

[red98vett]

GOOD LUCK !! Man you need it ...

I kept thinking about that old commercial - CALGON TAKE ME AWAY and YOU are a perfect candidate for some time OFF. I hope your family comes to their senses and startes pitching in -

The cycle of life is pretty weird - by the time our kids really appreciate all we've done - they have their OWN kids and we end up doing it all over again with the grandkids.....

Hope your talk works - if anyone needs a break - it's you.

[Tink]

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

[Tink]

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. :o But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

[Janet]

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

Sorry she felt she had to leave Tink, but I can't believe she was living rent free, grocery free and didn't think she should help clean the house. I think alot of kids want to find an excuse instead of taking the blame for their own actions. A death can belt us quite a blow, but you said she was that way before.

You are not being unreasonable by any means. She's lucky she didn't have me for a mother....I expect a lot and if I don't get it, there are consequences. I've always told my son "Yes I expect a lot, but never too much."

You're right it was her choice. If she doesn't help her friends...then they may end up telling her the same thing you did. I'm glad you're planning on sticking to your rules IF she decides to come back. And she should know this before she does, if she does.

Sometimes, guys just don't have a clue. If I want stuff done around here, especially my husband more than my son...all I have to do is write it down and hand him the list. It gets done then, but I can't expect him to know, to some guys certain things just don't really matter as much to them as it does us. So you just may have to leave him a daily list and tell him when you want them done and what the consequences are if they aren't.

It sounds like you are doing the right things Tink, this is just her way of not letting you control her. She'll realize one day that it's "your" house and you do control it.
You're being a good Mom, Tink....don't let anyone tell you different!

[Janet]

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. :o But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

My husband is like that too with our son. He doesn't want him mad at him. I say "too bad." I have a responsiblity to God to raise him the best I can with what I know. I won't break that promise because my son might get mad at me. It takes more energy, physical and emotional to be angry than it does to be happy.

I'm glad you two were able to talk. It's a first step. Just keep the lines of communication open with your husband and tell him at the first sign of more frustration instead of waiting on it to build. I've been saying a prayer for you nightly and I wish you the best. It'll happen....I'm sure of it.

[khardy57]

I'm so glad you were to talk openly with your hubby. Sometimes all it takes is to clear the air and it sounds like the two of you did that.

I'm sorry about your daughter, but sometimes they just have to sink or swim. I eloped and left home at 16 and boy did I have an eye opening experience. But, I've done well and on sheer determination. Your daughter obviously has a mother who loves and cares about her. You just want the best for your children and it's frustrating to know that they don't want the best for themselves. She'll either make it, or she'll come home with a deeper appreciation of all you do for her. This goes for your son too. You'll probably have to yank his chain a little harder, though.

The problem you're having makes me think of my aunt and her four children. They were handed everything and raised with maids who did everything for them. She finally got tired of it all and as each one graduated, she gave them options:


They could go to college - all espenses paid
They could get married (which was just stupid)
They could join the military

Two of the boys joined the army. The youngest was sent to military school, and the daughter got married.

Even after this, she was constantly having to bail each one out of one financial disaster after another. When she became ill, she didn't call her children, she made her husband bring her to my mother's house. My mom asked me to come over and see what I thought was going on and I took one look and we took her to the ER.

Both she and my uncle told us not to call the kids. They didn't want them to "worry" . Well, when my aunt was transferred to another hospital by ambulance, my sisters and I called her kids and they couldn't be bothered to come. The daughter (in another state) asked "If it was your mother would you come"? Well, hell yes! Put your butt on a plane and get here.

Bottom line, my aunt died 2 weeks later with none of her kids there. My mom and dad, me, my sister, and my uncle were there - but none of her kids. And to this day - none of her kids will call my Mother or answer e-mail.

You don't want this to happen to you Tink - so stick to your guns!!!!!