Just Not Going To Work!

[Janet]

I took my Mother to the Dr. today. Again, we exchanged words in a not so kind way. She couldn't remember things that she needed to tell the Doctor so on our way home, I suggested that she start writing things down...dates, what happened, what Drs. said...etc. I told her that's what I do and that I have an index card in my purse that lists the medicines I take, how many doses and what size (like what milligram..). She just got real smart mouth on me and said "Well I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you are." I told her she didn't need to speak that way with me I was only trying to be helpful...she said something else smart (that I blocked, I guess) so I told her I was tired of trying....no more...she was on her own.

She leaves for Florida on January 5th and I hope she stays there. I will not be speaking with her before she leaves. I told my husband that if she calls..I'm not home, in bed, in the bath...whatever!!! Just too toxic for me to deal with and here it is 4 hours later and I'm still crying and upset. I don't need this.

I know she is my Mother and I do "think" I love her, but I know I don't like her.

Please don't think awful of me...I know we are suppose to Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother...but it is just too draining on me emotionally. I try, but nothing works, so I'm done.

[Tink]

Janet, I don't think you're bad at all. Some people simply aren't good for us! It's not healthy to keep making ourselves unhappy by trying to deal with them when they have no interest in working with us on it.

HUGS and keep your chin up. You're still TOPS in my book.

[Marilyn]

Awww, ((((((Janet)))))), so sorry that this is happening to you. I think sometimes people, especially older people just get frustrated with it all and lash out. Their family is the biggest target because they think they can get away with it, and perhaps get some sympathy, but it hurts even more when it comes from your mother.

You are a wonderful, caring person!!!!!

[Janet]

Thank you Tink and Marilyn. I just feel so awful that things are the way they are. The thing of it is I know in my heart of hearts that part of it is my fault too. I know how she is and I always have this wall up...just in case and she never fails me. She always says something in a hurtful way. Sometimes it's not the words she says, but the hateful way she says them. She's 83, I'm 51, we've never been really close, but I always thought and wanted it to be better.

This probably sounds awful..but I'm afraid if I can't make it better that when she does pass on...I'm going to have so many regrets for not trying harder. It's just that if you give her an inch, she tries to take more and it just never stops. If I was to deny her..she gets angry and says no one cares...well how can they? When all she wants to do is take from them?

I didn't have time to take her home first before taking my son to the ball game, so I let him drive so he could "show off" in front of Grandma. It was the first time she had ever rode with him. She didn't say anything...not "good job" not "you're a fine driver"...nothing. She only wants to recieve compliments, never give them out.

Look at this....all I wanted to do was thank you two for being so compassionate to my situation, but here it is morning now...and I'm still upset and writing a book.

[red98vett]

oh wow....Moms and daughters can be so complicated. My cousin went thru similar with her mom and her mom DID pass away 2 months ago - she's going thru hell now because she feels she didn't show her enough at the end....All I can say is try to put the past behind you as she is up in years. She's your mom and she isn't going to change at this point....but it MAY affect you later and for that reason alone I'd say try to just overcome those hard feelings.....

I'm really close to my mom and can't imagine what you're going thru - I know talk is easy from my end but we only have our parents for so long then we're on our own.....I dread the day I get that call about either of mine and being that they're both 78 ...it's very near. :(

Sorry things aren't better for you and hugs to you - I'm sure you do your best and that's all we can do

[Janet]

oh wow....Moms and daughters can be so complicated. My cousin went thru similar with her mom and her mom DID pass away 2 months ago - she's going thru hell now because she feels she didn't show her enough at the end....All I can say is try to put the past behind you as she is up in years. She's your mom and she isn't going to change at this point....but it MAY affect you later and for that reason alone I'd say try to just overcome those hard feelings.....

I'm really close to my mom and can't imagine what you're going thru - I know talk is easy from my end but we only have our parents for so long then we're on our own.....I dread the day I get that call about either of mine and being that they're both 78 ...it's very near. :(

Sorry things aren't better for you and hugs to you - I'm sure you do your best and that's all we can do

Thanks V, I appreciate your advice. I did say I was "done" and really I want to be "done", but I don't think I really am. It's just so hard trying to climb a ladder that never ends. Her health isn't the greatest now anyway...maybe if I try harder...I don't know...I don't think my feelings will change, but maybe if I at least keep trying....I won't have any regrets. I'm just sooo tired....

[DianaB]

My Dad and I had a difficult relationship. I loved him because he was my Dad, but I really didn't like him as a person. I realized that if I wasn't related to him that I probably wouldn't have been friends with him. I tried my best to be a good daughter and tried to always do my best for him, but spending time with him was difficult. He passed away this spring and, yes, I have regrets, but nothing that is really bothering me. When I start thinking about, oh I should have done this or that, I stop and remember how difficult it would have been. There was a reason that I didn't do those things.

You can tell from your post that you love your Mother and are trying to be a good daughter. Just hang in there and enjoy the time that she's in Florida. Parents can be so difficult sometimes.

[Marilyn]

Janet, I didn't want to give too much advice so soon after your upset with your Mom, but V is giving you some good advice here. Your mom will not be around that much longer, and if at all possible, you need to take the high road on this one.

My own mother passed away in 2000 and I was her only child, so we went through a lot together, good and bad. Life is not easy. If it were, we would not have a need for God in our lives.

You may wish to read and meditate on 1 Corinthians 13, especially verse 7. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2013&version=50

Even though your mom is not showing love as you would like, you can.

Love and hugs to you!!

[Marilyn]

My Dad and I had a difficult relationship. I loved him because he was my Dad, but I really didn't like him as a person. I realized that if I wasn't related to him that I probably wouldn't have been friends with him. I tried my best to be a good daughter and tried to always do my best for him, but spending time with him was difficult. He passed away this spring and, yes, I have regrets, but nothing that is really bothering me. When I start thinking about, oh I should have done this or that, I stop and remember how difficult it would have been. There was a reason that I didn't do those things.

You can tell from your post that you love your Mother and are trying to be a good daughter. Just hang in there and enjoy the time that she's in Florida. Parents can be so difficult sometimes.

Diana was typing while I was, and has good advice also, we have to do the best we can and try to not have regrets. We certainly cannot change the past, so we just try to do our best and realize or limitations. Huggs.

[Janet]

Thank you ladies...you all gave good advice. What I think will work best for me is to love my mother from afar. I will be there when she needs me...but keep my distance the rest of the time. That way...maybe things will be better between us. We don't see each other that much anyway...because of the friction...but I will try to just keep my thoughts and opinions to myself..unless she asks for them. Maybe that will work best.

[red98vett]

Thanks V, I appreciate your advice. I did say I was "done" and really I want to be "done", but I don't think I really am. It's just so hard trying to climb a ladder that never ends. Her health isn't the greatest now anyway...maybe if I try harder...I don't know...I don't think my feelings will change, but maybe if I at least keep trying....I won't have any regrets. I'm just sooo tired....
Girl my cousin was just saying the same words to me not 6 months ago....the reason I said what I did is her mom died just 3 weeks ago and I spent Christmas day with her - she broke down 3 times talking about how she regrets her feelings....it was so hard to see - She's the strongest one in my family out of all the girls and she's coping the worst now. I don't want you to go thru that same thing.

HUGS TO YOU - you can only do your best and one thing I learned a long time ago - don't expect much from people & especially family ..... then you won't be dissapointed

[Emmsmom]

Oh man...This really sounds familar. Not to sound harsh but there are some things you just can't get over. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I wish her no harm however, if she was to die it really wouldn't phase me. I "lost" my mother years and years ago. I have not had a "mother" in my life since high school. She spread rumors about me, she lied to me and about me to others, She tried to break up my marriage... These are just a FEW things that I had to go through. The others would take forever to tell you about.

Being around my mother was starting to take its toll on me. I ended up having angina attacks whenever she was around. I have a mild heart proplem and when I was around her the problem only got worse.

I know there is a lot of good advice here... However, YOU have to figure out what is best for YOU. If you want to stick it out and be there for her that is your choice and will be the right one for you. I guess my point is that every situation is very different. Respect is a 2 way street.

Take care ((HUGS))

[Janet]

Thanks Michelle. I'm not ready to write her off just yet. My Mom would never do the things you mentioned yours did. It's just that mine is very selfish. She wants things done for her...nice compliments made to her. She doesn't do that to everyone else. Never would babysit (unless absolute emergency), said she raised hers, she wasn't raising ours. She is just very thoughtless and doesn't go out of her way for anyone except for one lady friend she has who is almost blind.

If you try to help her...it has to be on her time, her way. I'm just tired of the bickering and the way I feel when I'm with her and after I leave her. She leaves for Florida on the 5th and stays until the end of April. Maybe I'll find a way to get a newer strength to be able to tolerate it while she's gone. I just have to keep praying.

[Brooke]

I know how you feel janet... I have such a hard time with my mom and I am the only one who lives near her so I am the one she calls when things go wrong... She drives me crazy and we fight a lot, but since I have gotten to the point where I stick up for myself and do what I want she has backed off a bit... It is SOOOO HARD! I do the best I can so I don't feel guilty some day!!! But it might kill me in the mean time!!!:confuse2:

[Janet]

I haven't talked with Mom since I took her to the Dr. I'm sure she'll call New Year's day. She always does and tells me what I should be fixing for dinner...some kind of wilted green stuff so we'll have money during the year. I tell her every year that we don't like it...and she thinks we're nuts. You can see how much I block things out when I can't even remember what that stuff is called.

I spoke with a man last night who lives across the street from her and he was saying she has started looking so much older. I honestly thought the same thing on Wednesday. I will do something I haven't done in recent past years, but I will go in and tell her bye and to enjoy her time in Florida. I really don't think she'll make it home. I mentioned that to the man I was speaking with and he said he really didn't thing she would either, but didn't want to tell me so and if that was the case at least she would be somewhere she enjoys being. She loves her place in Florida. I guess only time will tell....

[Gina]

Janet from what you tell us your mother does sound like a very selfish lady, she does love you and your family but probably doesn't know how to show it. She will be gone for a few mts. I don't know if you speak to each other while she is in Fla. if not being she is old , act like nothing has happened when you do speak. You both need the reprieve from each other. When she gets back in April , you both will forget this fight. Like the others have mentioned she is up in age, try to ignore her ways, I know that its easier said than done.

Happy New Year!

[Janet]

Yes, I do know she loves me and my family, I have no doubt and we do love her...really. It just seems like she wants to have confrontation...and I don't know why. For 2007, I know I will be trying not to fall into that trap. Thank you all for the advice....I'm going to try to start the new year off with a better attitude and understanding for my mother.

[Tink]

Janet, I'm sorry this is to difficult.
Family can be so challenging! I can understand not wanting to write your Mother off regardless of how hard she is to deal with. I think you're right in trying to just make the best you can of the situation since she's not likely to change no matter what you say or do.

[DianaB]

I spoke with a man last night who lives across the street from her and he was saying she has started looking so much older. I honestly thought the same thing on Wednesday. I will do something I haven't done in recent past years, but I will go in and tell her bye and to enjoy her time in Florida. I really don't think she'll make it home. I mentioned that to the man I was speaking with and he said he really didn't thing she would either, but didn't want to tell me so and if that was the case at least she would be somewhere she enjoys being. She loves her place in Florida. I guess only time will tell....

Janet, if you really don't think that she'll ever be cominig back home then I would definately make an effort to make sure that she knows that you love her and say everything that you would want to say to her. Maybe write her a letter and tell her the things that you are proud of her for. You may never have that chance to tell her. Don't leave things the way they are.

My Dad died so suddenly. We knew that he wasn't in good health and I knew that he could go any time, but he had emphysema and I thought that he would linger with his breathing, but it ended up that his heart gave out and he was alone when he died. I told him often that I loved him but there were other things that I would have liked to have said too.

[Janet]

Janet, if you really don't think that she'll ever be cominig back home then I would definately make an effort to make sure that she knows that you love her and say everything that you would want to say to her. Maybe write her a letter and tell her the things that you are proud of her for. You may never have that chance to tell her. Don't leave things the way they are.

My Dad died so suddenly. We knew that he wasn't in good health and I knew that he could go any time, but he had emphysema and I thought that he would linger with his breathing, but it ended up that his heart gave out and he was alone when he died. I told him often that I loved him but there were other things that I would have liked to have said too.

I've thought seriously about your advice. I may do what you suggest..I just don't know yet. I know it would end up in a confrontation of some sort, so I'll consider it a little bit more, see if I can find a way that won't get a smart remark from her.