What about porn?

[cindy0721]

Since someone brought up the strip club topic... what about porn? Is it ok to look at it ? Even if they are married...? My co worker told me it is guys being guys.. to me I think it is lack of respect... it makes you feel like less of a woman.. the question is ..are we EVEN capable of controlling them from watching it?

[AngieDoogles]

I think you're right. It is DEFINITELY a respect issue. As for controlling it, if you know anything about computers, it is really easy to find out if he's been viewing something like that. I wouldn't recommend looking unless you are pretty sure and want to have proof, because doing that would be invading his privacy and could possibly cause serious problems in the relationship (whether you find something or not)...but I guess if there is a reason to not trust him then maybe it would be necessary for your peace of mind... idk

I think the better route would be to talk about it. If he really cares about you, he'd be honest and you could tell him how it makes you feel. Open communication is always best, in my opinion.

As a side note, I have a friend who is in the process of getting a divorce because her husband refused to stop looking at porn. My husband and I had to clean off tons of viruses from her computer on several occasions that he had picked up from porn sites. Watching porn can definitely become an addiction and can be detrimental to a marriage so be careful...

[cindy0721]

i agree... hubby and I have had our share of arguements over this... I stand by my conviction it is wrong and maybe somepeople are ok with it.. I'm not... and if that means that I will forever be alone so be it.. I have caught him doing it and already told him.. it happens again thats it.. I'm done... it's a hard decision because it is not easy ending your marriage over something like that but I see it as a form of cheating.... am I wrong to think this? This is just one thing I can't live with.... no matter how hard I try...

[AngieDoogles]

i agree... hubby and I have had our share of arguements over this... I stand by my conviction it is wrong and maybe somepeople are ok with it.. I'm not... and if that means that I will forever be alone so be it.. I have caught him doing it and already told him.. it happens again thats it.. I'm done... it's a hard decision because it is not easy ending your marriage over something like that but I see it as a form of cheating.... am I wrong to think this? This is just one thing I can't live with.... no matter how hard I try...

No, you are not wrong at all. Your opinion and values should mean more to him than the porn. If you tell him that you feel disrespected and maybe even unattractive or not sexy to him, then he should be willing to give it up for your happiness. I highly recommend talking openly to him and telling him exactly how you feel (in a non-aggressive way) before you make any decisions. But I agree that you should stand by your convictions!

Sometimes men just don't understand how lucky they are. I'm sorry he isn't respecting you like he should. *Hugs*

[Janet]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I think porn and strip clubs are just plain sick. I just don't understand it, I guess. I'd rather see a nice build man with clothes on than naked as a jaybird. Don't get why men want it the other way around.

[cindy0721]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I think porn and strip clubs are just plain sick. I just don't understand it, I guess. I'd rather see a nice build man with clothes on than naked as a jaybird. Don't get why men want it the other way around.
haa haa.. me too... I agree completly with you.... Hubby tells me it is a mans curiosity..I call it something else..... I dunno.... I mean are there really men out there that don't look at that stuff? Or we just think they don't because they are good at hiding it? You know what they say... everyone has skeletons in their closet....:eek:

[rivermom]

I respect everyone's opinion that has posted so far on this topic. I do have to say I feel differently though.

Porn is in my house. Not via the computer watched by myself or hubby but my hubby has Playboy and we do have video's. I have to admit, There are times when I will pick up the newest copy of his Playboy and read it before he even get's around to it. LOL :D Actually they really do have good articles in there and I feel the pictures of woman are tastefully done and are very beautiful.

Does it make me feel insecure or not sexy when he looks at his magazine's? Nope, not really. I can make my ownself feel these things with it by eating too much, feeling lazy and not wearing make-up, putting on shabby under garmets, etc. Him reading a magazine w/ beautiful woman is not going to make me feel insecure. He is a good husband and having him read Playboy doesn't interfere w/ any of our marriage, our lives, etc.

Now the movies....We both watch them together actually. What can I say? I am older, less hormones or whatever and it takes A LOT to get me excited. It is hard to "turn off the day's events, forget the dishes are not done, and BAM become all romantic feeling etc." So, not giving details, but us watching a movie, maybe taking out lotions and rubbing each other's backs or necks to relax etc, helps "turn it on" sorta say. I just don't see how this is "bad for our marriage".

Now hubby (nor I) get online to watch porn. He is too busy working hard so we can keep a roof over our head and well I just don't find it neccessary for such things. ;)

There are different levels of porn and I of course have my limits. I and my hubby too feels it completely wrong to involve kids/porn, or S & M situations. Like I said, everyone has their limits or knows where to draw the line. Other's don't I guess??

I also don't feel that if another married man video's or read's porn he finds his wife less appealing. Nor does it mean he will cheat, etc. I think most men are attracted to a pretty female and are more visual in what "turns them on". It's how the "male" is built.

So there ya go. Those are my thoughts about all this stuff. :p

[AngieDoogles]

I respect everyone's opinion that has posted so far on this topic. I do have to say I feel differently though.

Porn is in my house. Not via the computer watched by myself or hubby but my hubby has Playboy and we do have video's. I have to admit, There are times when I will pick up the newest copy of his Playboy and read it before he even get's around to it. LOL :D Actually they really do have good articles in there and I feel the pictures of woman are tastefully done and are very beautiful.

Does it make me feel insecure or not sexy when he looks at his magazine's? Nope, not really. I can make my ownself feel these things with it by eating too much, feeling lazy and not wearing make-up, putting on shabby under garmets, etc. Him reading a magazine w/ beautiful woman is not going to make me feel insecure. He is a good husband and having him read Playboy doesn't interfere w/ any of our marriage, our lives, etc.

Now the movies....We both watch them together actually. What can I say? I am older, less hormones or whatever and it takes A LOT to get me excited. It is hard to "turn off the day's events, forget the dishes are not done, and BAM become all romantic feeling etc." So, not giving details, but us watching a movie, maybe taking out lotions and rubbing each other's backs or necks to relax etc, helps "turn it on" sorta say. I just don't see how this is "bad for our marriage".

Now hubby (nor I) get online to watch porn. He is too busy working hard so we can keep a roof over our head and well I just don't find it neccessary for such things. ;)

There are different levels of porn and I of course have my limits. I and my hubby too feels it completely wrong to involve kids/porn, or S & M situations. Like I said, everyone has their limits or knows where to draw the line. Other's don't I guess??

I also don't feel that if another married man video's or read's porn he finds his wife less appealing. Nor does it mean he will cheat, etc. I think most men are attracted to a pretty female and are more visual in what "turns them on". It's how the "male" is built.

So there ya go. Those are my thoughts about all this stuff. :p

I think it all depends on how the wife or gf feels about it. If she feels cheated or not valued in any way, then it is a problem. If it causes arguments, I think the guy should stop out of respect for her. JMO.

[cindy0721]

i see your point,,, Like I said hubby and I have gone through this... to me honestly.... between us .. I think I can live with it... I would much rather deal with this whatever it's called than going out to strip clubs, staying out with the boys late, a drinking or drug problem.. however my arguement to him has always been the sneaking around to do it... to me when you sneak around it means you have something to be ashamed of or guilty for... I probably don;t help the situation by not being more understanding but it is a work in progress... I don't think there is a man out there that has not done it or is not doing it... like riversmom said ...it's the way they are built.. just like us woman we are built with the mother hen gene...lol

[AngieDoogles]

I don't think there is a man out there that has not done it or is not doing it...

I'm going to respectfully disagree...because I know that my husband doesn't.

[KikiLane]

I will be honest and tell you that I absolutely hate it! Especially if it is looked at or watched behind my back. It makes me feel so gross.... Its been an issue to me for a whlie. I could go on and on about the reasons I dont like it.

[Taurus Babe]

I respect everyone's opinion that has posted so far on this topic. I do have to say I feel differently though.

Porn is in my house. Not via the computer watched by myself or hubby but my hubby has Playboy and we do have video's. I have to admit, There are times when I will pick up the newest copy of his Playboy and read it before he even get's around to it. LOL :D Actually they really do have good articles in there and I feel the pictures of woman are tastefully done and are very beautiful.

Does it make me feel insecure or not sexy when he looks at his magazine's? Nope, not really. I can make my ownself feel these things with it by eating too much, feeling lazy and not wearing make-up, putting on shabby under garmets, etc. Him reading a magazine w/ beautiful woman is not going to make me feel insecure. He is a good husband and having him read Playboy doesn't interfere w/ any of our marriage, our lives, etc.

Now the movies....We both watch them together actually. What can I say? I am older, less hormones or whatever and it takes A LOT to get me excited. It is hard to "turn off the day's events, forget the dishes are not done, and BAM become all romantic feeling etc." So, not giving details, but us watching a movie, maybe taking out lotions and rubbing each other's backs or necks to relax etc, helps "turn it on" sorta say. I just don't see how this is "bad for our marriage".

Now hubby (nor I) get online to watch porn. He is too busy working hard so we can keep a roof over our head and well I just don't find it neccessary for such things. ;)

There are different levels of porn and I of course have my limits. I and my hubby too feels it completely wrong to involve kids/porn, or S & M situations. Like I said, everyone has their limits or knows where to draw the line. Other's don't I guess??

I also don't feel that if another married man video's or read's porn he finds his wife less appealing. Nor does it mean he will cheat, etc. I think most men are attracted to a pretty female and are more visual in what "turns them on". It's how the "male" is built.

So there ya go. Those are my thoughts about all this stuff. :p

To me, Porn is just porn. Now I guess you could say that about strippers too, but I think it's different. I don't have any problems with porn, or my bf watching it. We actually watch it together sometimes. I feel it's different because 1) they are not getting naked in front of you in real life and 2) they are not performing for your husband or boyfriend. You know how stripper flirt and project themselves on "their prey" , "our men". It's just not as personal.

[Ponyup]

My husband doesn't like porn. He just doesn't get it & it doesn't do anything for him. He's more mental than visual. I watched porn a lot in college, we used to have porn parties & play drinking games & make fun of the dialect & plot. it was fun. I would watch it now with my husband, but it doesn't do anything for him so we don't. I don't have a problem with strip clubs either. I've gone with my husband many times & I wouldn't care if he wanted to just go with the boys. What's important to me is that I know what's going on & he's not sneakin around. I know he's mine & he's not gonna do anything with or leave me for a stripper.

[rivermom]

[QUOTE=Ponyup] we used to have porn parties & play drinking games & make fun of the dialect & plot. it was fun. [QUOTE]


This made me smile and laugh! :D

[Tink]

My hubby has never really been into porn. He has watched it with friends, but doesn't bring it into our house, and certainly understands why I don't get into it.

For us it's a matter of respect and that includes self respect. What does it do to a relatiponship when you have to hide things about yourself out of fear of upsetting your spouse? It isn't a good thing whether you're hiding porn, over-spending, or anything else you know they don't approve of.

I think saying it's a "guy thing" is just an attempt to justify it. Not all guys are into it, and those whose wives aren't, need to respect her feelings as well if they expect to keep her happy. It's kinda sad to think anyone would risk a relationship for a fantasy. :(

[RLC12345678]

I am a very secure woman and I am very secure with my marriage. As long as it's not interfering with our sex life or our relationship, then I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I honestly have NO idea if he looks at the stuff or not, and since our relationship is great and our marriage is great, I'm not going to go sneak around on his computer to find out.

I completely agree with Rivermom in that if a man does look at porn, that certainly does not mean that he doesn't think his wife is beautiful or that he is going to cheat. Men just like looking at pretty women.

[Gina]

i agree... hubby and I have had our share of arguements over this... I stand by my conviction it is wrong and maybe somepeople are ok with it.. I'm not... and if that means that I will forever be alone so be it.. I have caught him doing it and already told him.. it happens again thats it.. I'm done... it's a hard decision because it is not easy ending your marriage over something like that but I see it as a form of cheating.... am I wrong to think this? This is just one thing I can't live with.... no matter how hard I try...


Cindy, I have to disagree with you here, Viewing porn is not a form of cheating, no way, no how. Cheating is when your spouse has an emotional or phycial affair with another women. Not viewing on computer or magazines. I have to agree with Sheryl and Rebecca here. I am married a long time and at the begining of our marriage my husband and I did watch some tapes together it is suppose to enhance your own sex life , spice it up. I haven't watched one in years, I have come across websites that my hubby has frequent. I have not confronted him or care to, who cares, I am a very secure woman and am not worried about him running off with another woman, this is fantasy besides. . Cindy don't end your marriage over something like this. When other aspects are good, if it bothers you don't go looking where you dont belong...You need to trust one another.

[rivermom]

Cindy, I have to disagree with you here, Viewing porn is not a form of cheating, no way, no how. Cheating is when your spouse has an emotional or phycial affair with another women. Not viewing on computer or magazines. I have to agree with Sheryl and Rebecca here. I am married a long time and at the begining of our marriage my husband and I did watch some tapes together it is suppose to enhance your own sex life , spice it up. I haven't watched one in years, I have come across websites that my hubby has frequent. I have not confronted him or care to, who cares, I am a very secure woman and am not worried about him running off with another woman, this is fantasy besides. . Cindy don't end your marriage over something like this. When other aspects are good, if it bothers you don't go looking where you dont belong...You need to trust one another.


I have to agree with Gina on this one. I by far am NOT one to ever get into debates or such...But I always feel free to speak my mind, LOL. (My husband never disagree's w/ me on this either. he heeee) :D

Anyway - Watching porn truly is by no means cheating. And I am NOT in anyway saying that this pertains to you, but I wonder at times that woman who are totally against their hubbies or bf's watching/reading porn maybe very insecure with their ownselves sexually??? I dunno, again this is just a thought and wonder.

I think that many girls are brought up to feel ashamed or embarrassed to feel "sexual". Yet, males are brought up to be strong and accepted to speak open about sex, masturbation, and porn, etc....

Then as the shy girls grow and find themselves facing "sexual situations" in a relationship they throw out the "oh it's wrong and you shouldn't do that card".

Again, I am not saying this directed towards anybody who posted about this...But I feel that it's perfectly ok for a women to feel sexual, to masturbate, to watch porn, read magazines, whatever. Just as I do for men. And, I feel a women grows to a maturity finally accepting herself as a sexual being. The woman who don't I almost feel sorry for because I think there are constant issues in the bedroom sorta say...

I'm no therapist by any means but these are just some of my thoughts on this subject.

I would truly HATE and be SADDENED to see a lovely marriage end just because a husband watched a porn for fantasy reasons or reads a Playboy magazine. And honestly, I really don't feel that a man will change to NOT do this if he already is just because he is asked by his gf or wife. Nor do I think it's really fair.

Now...if that hubby or bf is involved with child porn or such things that are waaaayyyy out there and it becomes totally disfunctional to himself, his marriage, or life, etc...Then yes, I think counceling might be the answer for such.
But for normal stuff - Don't sweat it. There are much worse things to deal with in this lifetime.

[cindy0721]

I thank you all for your opinions... but it's the way I feel about all of it.... It botheres me more so because when the topic is brought up he gets extremly defensive.... I have to ask myself why.... if he has nothing to hide, then why get defensive...?

[RLC12345678]

I thank you all for your opinions... but it's the way I feel about all of it.... It botheres me more so because when the topic is brought up he gets extremly defensive.... I have to ask myself why.... if he has nothing to hide, then why get defensive...?

Honestly, he's probably defensive bc he's embarrased to talk about it with you. That's why my hubby and I have a don't ask, don't tell policy. We fight too much as it is. Since our marriage is going great right now, that is one thing I chose not to bring up. If our marriage starts getting rocky and I don't feel secure anymore, then maybe that WOULD be something that needed to be addressed, but right now, I just don't even want to know. I've never caught him looking at it and he doesn't do it in front of me if he looks at it at all. I honestly have no earthly idea if he does or not.

[AngieDoogles]

The woman who don't I almost feel sorry for because I think there are constant issues in the bedroom sorta say...

I have to disagree with you on this. Neither my husband or I watch porn and we have an amazing sex life. (Sorry if that is TMI, but it helps to make my point.)

[rivermom]

I have to disagree with you on this. Neither my husband or I watch porn and we have an amazing sex life. (Sorry if that is TMI, but it helps to make my point.)


You might have not understood what I meant by this sentance. I was not referring it to "watching/reading porn". I was directing this sentence towards a woman who does not accept herself as a sexual being. A "sexual being" does not mean one who watches porn, yet a woman who is not ashamed of or embarrassed about feeling sexual, having desires, okay with her body and how she or her partner makes her feel, etc." ;)

[cindy0721]

You might have not understood what I meant by this sentance. I was not referring it to "watching/reading porn". I was directing this sentence towards a woman who does not accept herself as a sexual being. A "sexual being" does not mean one who watches porn, yet a woman who is not ashamed of or embarrassed about feeling sexual, having desires, okay with her body and how she or her partner makes her feel, etc." ;)

Well I see your point and thank you for it.. I agree with you in someways... I am very ok with my sexual being and I cannot say hubby and I have a horrible sex life because to be honest we please each other very well... I think we have a great connection in bed amongst other things.... but I do agree with you ladies on the fact that there are WORSE things to live with, I cannot discredit him too much, he is a great husband in many ways and my best friend , I just have to accept that there is no such perfect man out there and that I am lucky enough to only have this quirk of his that I disagree with , not any drinking,drug addictions amongst other vices as well. I know he loves me and I am going to have to learn to look the other way.... maybe embrace Becca's policy on the don't ask don't tell... You know we have been married 5 years this June .... it still amazes me that it took us this long to hit this BIG of a stump... is this usual?:confused:

[AngieDoogles]

You might have not understood what I meant by this sentance. I was not referring it to "watching/reading porn". I was directing this sentence towards a woman who does not accept herself as a sexual being. A "sexual being" does not mean one who watches porn, yet a woman who is not ashamed of or embarrassed about feeling sexual, having desires, okay with her body and how she or her partner makes her feel, etc." ;)

That makes more sense. :) Sorry I misunderstood.

[AngieDoogles]

You know we have been married 5 years this June .... it still amazes me that it took us this long to hit this BIG of a stump... is this usual?:confused:

I'm glad you've come to an agreement. I think that's the most important thing...not whether he does or doesn't do something (this could apply to anything), but that the two of you have an understanding. So congratulations on getting to that point! :)

As for not hitting a major bump until this point in your marriage...I can only speak for myself, but I've been married nearly 3 years and we've yet to hit a "major" bump, so maybe it's normal for things to run smoothly for the first 5 years.

[RLC12345678]

Well I see your point and thank you for it.. I agree with you in someways... I am very ok with my sexual being and I cannot say hubby and I have a horrible sex life because to be honest we please each other very well... I think we have a great connection in bed amongst other things.... but I do agree with you ladies on the fact that there are WORSE things to live with, I cannot discredit him too much, he is a great husband in many ways and my best friend , I just have to accept that there is no such perfect man out there and that I am lucky enough to only have this quirk of his that I disagree with , not any drinking,drug addictions amongst other vices as well. I know he loves me and I am going to have to learn to look the other way.... maybe embrace Becca's policy on the don't ask don't tell... You know we have been married 5 years this June .... it still amazes me that it took us this long to hit this BIG of a stump... is this usual?:confused:

He should at least respect you enough to not do it in front of you if he is going to do it. And, as long as you are secure in your marriage and it is not interfering with your sexual relationship, then maybe a "don't ask don't tell" policy would be okay. However, if it IS something that is affecting your relationship negatively, then it is not something that should be ignored. For instance, if he would rather look at that stuff than have sex with you. You know what I mean??

[cindy0721]

He should at least respect you enough to not do it in front of you if he is going to do it. And, as long as you are secure in your marriage and it is not interfering with your sexual relationship, then maybe a "don't ask don't tell" policy would be okay. However, if it IS something that is affecting your relationship negatively, then it is not something that should be ignored. For instance, if he would rather look at that stuff than have sex with you. You know what I mean??

well thank god that is not the case.... he still finds me attractive , and he doesn't look at it in front of me ... but I do find out about it.... I am just going to ignore this and let it go....it hasn't hurt our marriage sexually and until it does well I really have nothing to worry about.... thanks girlies.... your the best!:)

[sashajade]

i dont have a problem with porn if its the what i call the glossy stuff but not amature porn as i see them as normal people like you and me and its to personal as they are people having sex cos they want to not cos they are paid to do it.
i see a man useing porn the same as a woman useing a sex toy and thinking about men, men dont use there minds like we do they have to have an image in front of them thats why they use porn.
we look at porn like a women would ie we see them as a real person, think whats there name, what are they like, but men dont they just see lady bits, they dont make a story up of who that person is, they prob wouldnt notice if they had 2 heads lol.
to a man a pic of a woman is just a pic of lady bits, no more personal than a woman useing her mind to think of a man while useing a sex toy in fact what a woman thinks of is prob more personal.
i think the only time it is a problem is if its hidden from the other partner, if its something one partner is not happy about and doesnt like the other looking at then they should stop looking at it out of respect for there partners feelings.

[Chandra Amaya]

Sasha does have a valid point. I talked with an ex about the same issue. I found porn in his filing cabinet & confronted him asking if he did not find me attractive. I took it personally. He explained that alot of guys who look at or watch porn are picturing their significant other wearing the outfits or doing the acts. This I somewhat understood & agreed it wasn't me. After getting my self confidence back, I actually found that he was better when we looked at alittle together before hand. My husband now & I do not engage in those activities. It maybe because we are still pretty much "newlyweds"(married for 3 yrs), but I'm not completely closed to it in the future. The big let down is hiding it. I respect Cindy's decision not to want to be invovled & so should her hubby. I'm glad you two are beginning to work through it though :) Congrats & I wish you both many, many more years in your long, happy marriage

[hunbun]

porn to my hubby is like romance paperbacks to me.
he doesn't tell me i should stop reading my paperback smut and i don't tell him he shouldn't watch his porn. it's just different strokes for different folks.