Not Good News -- Surgery

[Janet]

I just talked with my husband. I could tell something was wrong as soon as I heard his voice. He has to have surgery! and he is scared to death! I tried to tell him that if it was life threatening, then yes, but it's not and to think how much better he is going to feel. He also has arthritis so that is a concern.

He asked if he could wait 3 months, to get things taken care of before the surgery. My suggestion was to not wait any longer than a month. We have always gotten through tough times and will again.

One of the things he wants to get done is getting a will made. We should have done this a long time ago I know, but now he wants it done before surgery. So, it will be done.

He already knows from talking with the Dr. that he most likely will not be able to go back to work doing the same thing he is now (auto body repair). I told him not to worry about it...that we've managed in tight times before, we will again.

Even though I KNEW it would have to be surgery, I am kind of shaking here myself. Mostly because I'm not in control and can't do anything.

[DianaB]

I'm sorry that your family is going through this right now.:hug: It's so hard to make the decision to have surgery done even if you know that it's the right thing to do because we know that there's going to be pain and we want to know for sure that we're going to be better than we were.

My husband just had surgery on his wrist and I didn't know until right up to when they took him back for surgery that he was actually going to do it. He just about drove me crazy looking at everything on his condition on the Internet and asking EVERYONE what he should do.

I'll be praying for your husband and your family. God will make a way for everything to work out. Just keep believing.

[Tink]

{{{Janet}}}
I'm going to keep your family in my prayers. I know a few people who have had very good success with back surgeries, so pray your hubby does too.

If he doesn't have surgery, the problem will most likely keep getting worse. After the surgery, hopefully things will get better so he can do more of what he wants and needs to. If nothing else, it's a chance... where without it, there is none.

HUGS

[Janet]

Thanks Tink, that's exactly what I have been trying to tell him. That he needs to think positive and about how much better he is going to feel when it's all over and he's had time to heal.

He's heard both sides. Some who have done really well and others who have 'warned' him against having it done. What is wrong with those type of people? It reminds of of how women can be so cruel to pregnant women..ya know? They tell them about all the pain of child birth, squeezing that baby out between their legs and scaring them half to death. Why is that? What is with a simple 'I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you have a quick recovery?'

My son and I felt bad for him, so we went and visited him for a few minutes at work. He seemed a little better, but he's been busy working..so we'll see how he is when he gets home. His feelings are hurt too, because no one from work, not even his boss (who Rick taught how to do body work) has asked him what he found out. I could tell he was ready to cry.

I wish he could find a forum like what we have here (BUT NOT THIS ONE...LOL) so he could vent and get some support. Don't know if he would use it, but you all are a tremendous support to me, no matter what the topic.

I'll know more this evening after talking with him to find out just exactly what he is wanting done before he has surgery. Hopefully my son and I can't help get it done (whatever it is) fast so he can get the surgery done soon. I don't want him to wait.

[rivermom]

Janet - I am very impressed by how you are handeling this. You being positive in your thinking and actions clearly shows!!! :thumbup: Your husband will see this and your positive energy will flow right through him to comfort him.

Your a good wife by being by his side and easing his worries by how you've talked to him. I am sure he appreciates so much you telling him that your family will see through this and it will all work out.

Thanks for letting us know what you found out today.

[Chandra Amaya]

I agree with Sheryl I'm very impressed with how you have all your thoughts together. I'd be a mess. Maybe the people at work haven't asked because they thought when he is ready he would tell them?
You & your family continue to stay in my thoughts

[Janet]

Janet - I am very impressed by how you are handeling this. You being positive in your thinking and actions clearly shows!!! :thumbup: Your husband will see this and your positive energy will flow right through him to comfort him.

Your a good wife by being by his side and easing his worries by how you've talked to him. I am sure he appreciates so much you telling him that your family will see through this and it will all work out.

Thanks for letting us know what you found out today.

Thanks Sheryl...I sure hope he gets a better attitude about it all and think of how great he'll feel when it's all over. He's 54 and has never had to be in the hospital for anything, so I know the fear of the unknown can be overbearing.

We'll get through all this I'm sure. The only thing that really scares me is...he want to get his will done...I just hope it's a good thing and not an a premonition.

He knows he hasn't taken the best care of himself...drinks often, pretty much chain smokes, has rhuematoid arthritis, and then the bone on bone in his back. He is already thinking things are stacked against him. I'm sure he'll do fine and then he'll see that he's been given a second chance to clean up his lifestyle and I truly believe he will.

[RLC12345678]

Janet, keeping you, your hubby, and his medical team in my prayers. You are both smart to make out a will, even though it probably won't be necessary. I agree with everyone else, I really admire the way you are handling this. Your hubby needs you to be strong for him during this time. (((((((hugs)))))) Keep us updated!

[Janet]

Thanks Rebecca, I will be strong during this whole experience...it's afterwards that I come crashing down...lol I've always been able to handle a crises and know what to do in an emergency...it's after everything is alright that I totally lose it...just for a little while...but I think it's just the nerves I've kept under control, doing their own thing.

[Janet]

Just wanted to show you all a picture of my husband and son.....

[Tink]

Oh wow Janet! We have more in common than I'd realized!
YOU have a beardy guy too! LOL

You also have what appear to be the exact same microwave and range as me! Are they Whirlpools? :cool:

[Mandy]

Awwwwww Janet, your hubby looks like such a sweet man!

Keeping you & your hubby in my thoughts and prayers! Stay positive as you are, it will help him get thru this :thumbup:

Let him know we are thinking of him, sending happy thoughts!

[Chandra Amaya]

what I nice looking family you have :)

[Marilyn]

Janet, I agree with all that has been said here by all your loving 4WT sisters. Your hubby looks like a very nice man. BTW, mine has a beard, too. You are being a very good and supportive wife. Don't worry about the will being a premonition. It's just a sensible thing to do, surgery looming or not. We don't have one either, and really need to get that done.

Will be praying for you, your hubby and all involved. :bighug:

[rivermom]

Janet - look, your son's looking at 4wt!! LOL :D

Nice looking family and you have a very pretty kitchen. :p

[Janet]

Thanks everyone....you all truly are the best!!

[AngieDoogles]

Aww, Janet I'm SO sorry to hear this. I was truly hoping that there would be another option besides surgery. I'm sure the surgery will be fine and he'll feel so much better when it's over, but in the mean time I will be praying for you and your family. That must be so hard to deal with! Sending hugs and good thoughts, Janet.

[Gina]

Janet everyone has pretty much said everything that I feel, Rick will be fine, I am just sorry to hear that no one at work asked , thats sad. Especially when you see these people on a day to day basis and spend more time with them then your own family. I am proud of you, you are being strong and everything will work out great , you will see :) You have a nice family and I have you all in my prayers... Good luck..

[Forgivenmom5]

I'm so sorry Janet. My prayers are with you and your husband. You can just feel your love for him when you talk about him. That will help you both get through this.

[Janet]

Well last night totally sucked!! After he came home and we finished with supper, I was asking him just what did the Dr. say. He told me of course. Then he said that he told the Dr. there were things he needed to take care of (and can you believe he is sooo concerned about being able to go to Scout Camp this summer) and anyway, I told him IF I were him I would have it done asap so he would be able to enjoy his summer. He's worried about a job, because the Dr told him he wouldn't be able to go back to doing what he does now, so he's worried about the future. I told him there is no reason to worry...that there is nothing you can do about it. That he would find something that would be easier on his back. So do you know what he told me........TO GET OFF HIS BACK!!! I just looked at him and said fine....I would never ask him about it again. That if he was going to wait...not to complain about it, because I didn't want to hear it.

If you all knew what I was really feeling now you'd be so ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself...so I guess I'll have a 'poor me pity party' for a little while and then get on with the days tasks.

[Mandy]

Janet, i honestly dont think he means to be rude or mean to you, i think hes so nervous about the surgery that he doesnt quite know how to express himself. He knows it has to be done, and will do just about anything to delay it.

[Tink]

I'm sorry he's lashing out at you over this Janet. It is usually the ones we are closest to and know will forgive us that we do that to, but it stinks.

You've offered your support, so if you're now feeling like kicking his butt, that's ok too. (as long as you don't actually do it) ;)

My hubby was told that he wouldn't be able to drive truck after his back injury either, and he's been back at it for a year with no problem. So drs really don't know it all. No one will know for sure if he can go back to work until he's had the surgery and PT following it. I'd tell him to use some of that "attitude" to get through what needs to be done and then see where he's at. Men just can't stand the idea of being laid up. ;(

[Janet]

I'm sorry he's lashing out at you over this Janet. It is usually the ones we are closest to and know will forgive us that we do that to, but it stinks.

You've offered your support, so if you're now feeling like kicking his butt, that's ok too. (as long as you don't actually do it) ;)

My hubby was told that he wouldn't be able to drive truck after his back injury either, and he's been back at it for a year with no problem. So drs really don't know it all. No one will know for sure if he can go back to work until he's had the surgery and PT following it. I'd tell him to use some of that "attitude" to get through what needs to be done and then see where he's at. Men just can't stand the idea of being laid up. ;(

I really don't think he'll be able to do the auto body repair after the surgery. He's on hard concrete all day, bending, stooping in all kinds of positions, carrying fenders, bumpers etc.. I just don't think he'll be able to do it without it causing problems.

He's really worried about it how he's gonna support the family, but there are other things out there besides body work. Rick is very selfish when it comes to money...he has to have his stash and knows that he probably won't be able to in another job. I don't know....I'm just tired of it all already, especially with his attitude. We've made it before, we'll make it again..so why worry, but he will until he drives everybody nuts.

Also, I haven't said anything since my last post about his drinking.....well the other day I checked his car and there were empty beer cans under the seat, the empty cardboard cases folded up under the other seat, a white bucket in the very back with empty beer cans in it and a small cooler with 6 unopened beers in it. So that is telling me he lied again about his drinking and is obviously driving while doing it.

It really hard to care for an obvious alcoholic and a liar. Two things I just won't stand for. My sister was married to an alcoholic and I won't do it!!!! It will either stop or he's gone....I'll wait till after his surgery, because I won't be bringing him something to drink..and see how he does, if it starts up again...I'm through!

[Tink]

Janet, I'm sorry he's drinking so much. I wouldn't be able to live with that either. I've known enough alcoholics to realize I don't have the temperment to live with one.

My prayers continue for your family. I hope things go much better than you expect them to.

HUGS

[AngieDoogles]

Janet, I'm so sorry that he has turned to drinking. That must be such a hard position for you to be in. You are so strong though and I know that you and your hubby will make it through this, even though it will not be easy. He seems to be SO stressed and worried about the surgery, maybe after it's over he will be back to his normal self again...or even better! Having you take care of him and spending lots of time together may bring the two of you closer than you've ever been before. He is very lucky to have you and I'm sorry that for the moment he has forgotten that. *HUGS*

[Janet]

Janet, I'm so sorry that he has turned to drinking. That must be such a hard position for you to be in. You are so strong though and I know that you and your hubby will make it through this, even though it will not be easy. He seems to be SO stressed and worried about the surgery, maybe after it's over he will be back to his normal self again...or even better! Having you take care of him and spending lots of time together may bring the two of you closer than you've ever been before. He is very lucky to have you and I'm sorry that for the moment he has forgotten that. *HUGS*

Thanks, he hasn't just turned to drinking. I knew he had a beer now and then, but quite a while back and I posted about it...my son mentioned to me that he thought his Dad drank too much (he always drank out in the garage where I didn't see him). Then my sister-in-law mentioned it. I asked Rick about it and he assured me nooooo that he didn't have any kind of problem, obviously he lied and covered up.

[AngieDoogles]

Thanks, he hasn't just turned to drinking. I knew he had a beer now and then, but quite a while back and I posted about it...my son mentioned to me that he thought his Dad drank too much (he always drank out in the garage where I didn't see him). Then my sister-in-law mentioned it. I asked Rick about it and he assured me nooooo that he didn't have any kind of problem, obviously he lied and covered up.

Oh my, Janet! I'm so sorry to hear this! I can't even imagine how you must feel. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Do you know how long this has been going on?

[rivermom]

I can totally understand his jitters and lashing out at you. He's got so much on his mind and as a man the priority is taking care of his family. Even though a lot of men don't go about it just as we would want them to. Hopefully he will do some soul searching, calm himself down, and deal with the surgery as he see's fit.


In regards to the drinking ~ This is a completely different subject. He is not only taking his own life in his hands being behind the wheel intoxicated (or over the legal limit) he is taking other lives into his hands as well.

Janet - I am not going to try to tell you what to do, but from what I can tell by reading your posts it does sound like he's being distructive with the drinking episodes.

But....You probably pretty much know his routine after work. He might stop at a bar on his way home possibly. Or he might stop at the liquor store on his way home possibly. Or he might....Anyway, the point I am trying to make here is that you have the option to notify the police that your husband has been drinking and driving. The police after taking some information from you will plan to follow him on his way home from work.

Now, you would never tell him not ever if you do this. But the police will follow him, stop him, and arrest him if he's beyond the legal limit to drive. This is your hubbies free ticket into therapy and you don't come out as the bad guy, nobody is placed in danger sharing the roads w/ a drinking person who is driving, and he possibly might be ordered to attend AA meetings and seek help.

These are just my thoughts, and again not telling you what to do.

But, let's say I was sharing that same road your hubby was on while drinking. Hmmmm, Id be hoping his wife or loved one was calling the police to have them do what is best.

I am terribly sorry for the stress you are probably feeling right now. It is a very hard situation and serious too.

I only wish the best for all involved.

[Janet]

Oh my, Janet! I'm so sorry to hear this! I can't even imagine how you must feel. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Do you know how long this has been going on?


Oh he's always drank. Mostly a beer here at home, if friends of his came over, while working out in the garage...that sort of thing. Never really saw that he was drinking too much or getting drunk. You can bet my eyes are open now.

[Janet]

Sheryl, I do understand it too, but all he had to say was I need time to think, or I don't want to discuss it now...not "get off my back."

Now that I can see he's drinking more than I thought and obviously while driving, I am totally losing respect. I will be telling him that our son is to drive...never him...ever!!!

He doesn't go to bars or that sort of thing. He just drinks 6 beers on his way home. My sister-in-law tried to tell me, but when I asked him he said no. LIAR!!!

I've thought today about calling the police, just like you suggested, so he doesn't hurt anyone while driving, but if I do that, how is he suppose to get to work? I know that doesn't sound logical, but I really haven't seen him drunk when he comes home. I don't want anyone getting hurt or killed, but if I was to call the police and he loses his license...then it's going to be up to me to support us, he wouldn't be able to drive to work. I don't know what to do.

I'm probably babbleing, but I'm so angry...mad...just all kinds of emotions right now. I really shouldn't even be talking about it here. I'm sure I'll end up saying something so stupid and regret it. It's just too hard to type and think rationally as angry as I still am. I feel I can't even talk with him, because I can't believe him now. I hate liars!!

I just better stop typing and just read for awhile. I need to get over this anger before he comes home or there will be one heck of a blowup and I'll be the one to start it.

[Mandy]

Oh gosh Janet, i didnt know about him drinking. Im so sorry this is happening, i can understand the worry. Sheryl gave some great advice.
I wish you all the best, and know that we are thinking of you, and your family.
Sending happy thoughts!

[rivermom]

Sheryl, I do understand it too, but all he had to say was I need time to think, or I don't want to discuss it now...not "get off my back."

Now that I can see he's drinking more than I thought and obviously while driving, I am totally losing respect. I will be telling him that our son is to drive...never him...ever!!!

He doesn't go to bars or that sort of thing. He just drinks 6 beers on his way home. My sister-in-law tried to tell me, but when I asked him he said no. LIAR!!!

I've thought today about calling the police, just like you suggested, so he doesn't hurt anyone while driving, but if I do that, how is he suppose to get to work? I know that doesn't sound logical, but I really haven't seen him drunk when he comes home. I don't want anyone getting hurt or killed, but if I was to call the police and he loses his license...then it's going to be up to me to support us, he wouldn't be able to drive to work. I don't know what to do.

I'm probably babbleing, but I'm so angry...mad...just all kinds of emotions right now. I really shouldn't even be talking about it here. I'm sure I'll end up saying something so stupid and regret it. It's just too hard to type and think rationally as angry as I still am. I feel I can't even talk with him, because I can't believe him now. I hate liars!!

I just better stop typing and just read for awhile. I need to get over this anger before he comes home or there will be one heck of a blowup and I'll be the one to start it.


Janet - maybe it will help if you go take a walk outside to clear your thoughts. It probably wont do any good to start a fight, that's just fueling the fire sorta say...

I need to add that him not coming home drunk does not mean he's not capable of hurting himself or others driving while drinking. A person can be rated "above the legal limit" and not be drunk.

A person's life out weighs by non-measurable standards any financial situations. I can't really say much more about that sentance.

If you don't want to talk about it here - ask for guidence in a prayer or mediatation to handle this situation in the best possible way for all involved. I understand completely and respect you not wanting to share your entire home situation w/ everyone here. I bet the farm that none of us here do that! ;)

Don't worry about having regrets by what you have said so far. We are all human, NONE of us are perfect, (without sin if that's what I should refer to it as), nor have any right to judge you. Yes, we will come up with our own thoughts on any subject brought up in this forum, but ONLY you know entirely 100% the entire picture being drawn out and none of have walked in each other's shoes.

[Mandy]

Exactly! As sheryl said, fighting is not going to solve the problem girl, and i too completly understand if you dont want to share all your thoughts, but remember, we are here when you need us! Do what you need to do, if it feels right in your heart, then thats the way to go.
Take care of you first, the rest will follow, and fall into place.

[Chandra Amaya]

Janet, i honestly dont think he means to be rude or mean to you, i think hes so nervous about the surgery that he doesnt quite know how to express himself. He knows it has to be done, and will do just about anything to delay it.
I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.

[Janet]

Thank you everyone. I did go for a walk, before I read your post Sheryl. I feel better, fresh air...I'm still very angry, but it's turning more toward I just ache. I'm emotionally tired, so I'll just wait and see what this evening brings and then tomorrow and then the next day.

[Chandra Amaya]

There you go hon. Just one day at a time that's all any of us can do. ;)

[rivermom]

I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.



Great post Traci!!! The world makes one wise. Not just being in it, but living it. It's from experience that we gain knowledge and understanding of all our questions.

[Mandy]

So so true, he is not mad/angry with you Janet. Hes reacting it off on you because you are closest to him as hes wife, and he knows you love him!

[Forgivenmom5]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Janet. It is such an emotional time.
Try not to make any decisions until things are more calm. My thoughts and prayers are with you.