Why did you decide to have children?

[Ponyup]

Back story: I am 26 years old, my husband & I have been married 4 years. I always wanted children I thought my calling in life was to be an awesome mom. This was discussed before we were married & my husband decided it would be best to wait at least 3 years. Well by the time my 3 year anniversary rolled around I decided I didn't want children, my husband is okay with this....however, other people in my life or not. It's not that I don't like children I love them, & it's not that I don't think I'd be a good mom. It's just that my childhood, school years were absolutely miserable & I think society & the school system have gone down the drain since then (this is no way a slam at teachers I think you do the best you can with what you are allowed to do). I substitute taught in a small public school system & I was just apalled at the way the kids acted & what they knew already & talked about. I just not sure that is something I want to send an innocent child into. I am just very nervous that even if I do a great job what are they going to learn at school, how do I unteach that kind of stuff, how do I keep them on a straight path when it's the uncool thing to do. I just not sure it's fair to bring a child into that situation just because it's something I am supposed to do. Please let me know what your experiences have been in these areas.

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to people that are having children right now, that you are bad people or anything....these are just the thoughts going through my head.

[RLC12345678]

I know exactly what you mean. I am 22 (will be 23 in 1 month) and I don't have children yet, but I have always thought that I wanted LOTS of children. Hubby and I are waiting until are careers are stable enough to have children (which will be probably 5 years), but I am worried that by that time rolls around I won't want children anymore. I mean, this world is not getting to be an any better place to live. Do I really want my children growing up in a world full of hate and vulgarity? :(

[Jlynn]

You need to make a decision that works for you and your husband. You're still young and may change your mind later, but if neither of you want kids now, why WOULD you? Don't worry about others opinions (including mine) because that's all they are.

DH and I came to this decision several years ago, and are now married 20 years without kiddos. Our reasons made sense to us, and eventually, people do stop pestering! We've managed to make friends with several couples who, for whatever reason, also don't have children. It IS a choice. Now, if only I could talk him into another yorkie :p

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do!

[lisa]

My Husband was 36 when he had his first child. Before that he helped me raise My son from another marriage

[Kimberley]

There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Looking back, I don't know that I would have had children. We live in really bad times and everyday, I'm scared at what my kids will have learned in school.

If people butt into your business about kids, just tell them...

"After much deliberation and seeing how YOUR kids turned out, I decided that I didn't want an early death! I enjoy life too much!";) :D

[Mandy]

When i look around me, at my friends and family who all have 2 or more kids, i'm happy we only have 1.
Don't get me wrong, i love kids, but the worry that comes with kids these days, and i find that kids are not allowed to enjoy their childhood like we used to, they are forced to grow up fast! It's not fair!

[Amber_lv]

first one was a whoops but we wanted a sibling for him and i wanted another baby so we had our 2nd one

[Mandy78]

You need to follow your own heart on this one.

I am 28, married almost 2 years, and still do not want children. I have my reasons too. SOme are very personal and others are along the same lines as what your thoughts are on this. Things are soooo different today then they were even 10 years ago. One of my issues is that parents do not discipline thier kids enough and they act out. I work in a hair salon, and they bring their kids with them to thier hair appts. GRRRR....The kids play witht the chairs, try to grab water hoses fromt he sink, spray people with water, pull products down from retail shelves, run thru the place while we are holding SHARP scissors, grab HOT irons....and so on and so on....and all the while, the parents rarely say anything. I don't get it.
When a parent DOES discipline a child in the shop, I do tell them how much I appreciate them doing so....But its everywhere you go....

Now I love children, I really do! I have nieces and nephews and many of my friends are having kids! And I have fun with them! But I really do not think parenthood is for me. My hubby feels the same way.

And when I tell people that I am not sure about having kids, and they get mad at me and say how could you not have kids, I tell them what I am thinking. I don't hold back. Not everyone who is married HAS to have children.

So again... follow your heart, and this is only a desicion you and your hubby and your faith can make!!!!!

[oceanair27]

I am a mother of 3 children,ages 15,11,and 5. They are my whole world,and I couldnt immagine my life without them,but I am SOOO Happy my youngest is in all day kindergarten now,because I finally get some me time:D . So, I think whatever decision you make you should be happy and dont worry about the others. Live your life for you.

[vt73]

I'm glad to read that I'm not alone on this. I have been married for almost five years and neither one of us want to have children. I don't have a maternal instinct. I don't want the big responsibilty of being a parent. If it happens (I'm making sure that doesn't happen ;) ) well, it happens but is not something we are looking forward to it. Just my opinion.
My three kids are Chikis( Chihuahua), Jerome(Yorkie) and Kiki( cat):D and they are my whole life and world, well hubby too.:D

[Janet]

We wanted kids, but eventually had to adopt. I didn't want everyone to know about all the infertility stuff we were going through, it was a roller coaster ride from the start. So when people were so rude to ask when were we having kids, I just asked them..."why do you want to know?" Some would just say they were just curious, and then I would say, "well you know what happened to the cat." Just ignore them, or think of a snappy comeback for their intrusive questions. It's no ones business and each of us have to make our own decisions and not have to defend them. :)

[Tink]

I have 3 children who I love dearly. Not one of them was really "planned".
My first was a result of being a stupid immature 18 yr old. I'm glad I have her, but no way would I have intentionally gotten pregnant with her when I did. I was actually on the pill when she was concieved.

My 2nd child was concieved on my honeymoon.

After my 3rd just 23 months later, we used a permanent solution. Enough was enough!

Seriously, if you don't desperately want kids, there's no reason you should feel obligated to have any. My original plan was NOT to have any, but once again fate had other ideas. I don't regret having mine, but I honestly don't think I'd have regretted not having any either if It had turned out that way. It's a very personal, life altering decision, so don't let anyone force their opinions on you.

[Ponyup]

Thank you all for your thoughts & help. One thing that bothers me is that I don't want to dissappointment my mom. I know she would be a wonderful, involved grandmother, like her mother was to me, but I'm not sure this is something I can handle. I've always been a late bloomer, maybe in another couple years I'll decide this is something I can handle or maybe my brother will have children & then the pressure is off me. I agree with one of the other women it's so scary to think about how quickly these children are forced to grow up. It's really not fair, they should be allowed to be children for as long as possible.

[Necee419]

I think it is so rude for people to ask "when are the babies coming?" I get this all the time. I am 30 years old and have people "politely" reminding me that my baby days are winding down. How the h@ll is it YOUR business how many child bearing years I have left?:mad: :mad: If half of the people in this world minded their own business as much as they mind yours, this world would be a better place. Don't ever feel like you have to justify your life choices to anyone. You must do what is right for you. Bringing a child into this world is an enormous responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly. I commend you for thinking carefully about this. If more people took the time to think things through before having children, then maybe we wouldn't have so many abused, unwanted children in this world.:(

[Janet]

I think it is so rude for people to ask "when are the babies coming?" I get this all the time. I am 30 years old and have people "politely" reminding me that my baby days are winding down. How the h@ll is it YOUR business how many child bearing years I have left?:mad: :mad: If half of the people in this world minded their own business as much as they mind yours, this world would be a better place. Don't ever feel like you have to justify your life choices to anyone. You must do what is right for you. Bringing a child into this world is an enormous responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly. I commend you for thinking carefully about this. If more people took the time to think things through before having children, then maybe we wouldn't have so many abused, unwanted children in this world.:(



:thumbup: DITTO!!! :thumbup:

[Mandy78]

I think it is so rude for people to ask "when are the babies coming?" I get this all the time. I am 30 years old and have people "politely" reminding me that my baby days are winding down. How the h@ll is it YOUR business how many child bearing years I have left?:mad: :mad: If half of the people in this world minded their own business as much as they mind yours, this world would be a better place. Don't ever feel like you have to justify your life choices to anyone. You must do what is right for you. Bringing a child into this world is an enormous responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly. I commend you for thinking carefully about this. If more people took the time to think things through before having children, then maybe we wouldn't have so many abused, unwanted children in this world.:(


I totally agree!!!!!

I also get tired of people asking me..blah, blah, blah. It gets really old!
Especially my clients. I almost want to start saying, YES...We have been trying for 2 years now, just to get people off my back! But I doubt that would work! GRRR

I wish more people would think long and hard about having kids, and not just have them because thats what is supposed to happen after marriage! And true, we would not have as many unwanted kids in this world.

[Janet]

I just don't see how anyone could be so bold to ask such a personal question. I would never ask such a thing. Why not ask bra size....penis size....Some people just don't have a clue!!

[hunbun]

You should NEVER have children just to make someone else other than you and your husband happy. Afterall, you're going to be the one that's responsible for the child(ren) for better or for worse.

I'm pushing the envelope here sitting in my early 30's. The fact of the matter is, we know children will greatly impact our lives and our lifestyles. Although I can see the pros and cons of either choice, hubby is pretty adament about not have children...ever. The thing is, we don't want to be half-ass parents. We're both very busy with our lives and our work. It just wouldn't be fair to have children, then have them be raised by a babysitter. But not having a double income is very difficult given where we live. Add that to the turmoils of raising children in today's culture. It's enough to scare us into NOT having kids.

My parents, although they really want me to have children, know better than to nag me about it. My in-laws, are nagging me so much that I had to tell my husband to keep his parents under control before I get too annoyed and say something snippy. My mother in law is constantly telling me I'm getting old and need to have children before it's too late. If hubby (HER SON) doesn't want any then it's my responsibility to convince him otherwise. I had to bite my tongue so much in that convo 'cause all I can think is... "well, YOU go convince YOUR SON that he ought to have children soon before his old wife gets too old to have any." :mad:

I have 2 yorkies. They are my babies. And right now, that's all I need to fulfill my "maternal instincts".

[Marilyn]

We wanted children desperately, but that was over 20 years ago, and was another time. You should never have children until you are ready and want them badly. Due to infertility issues, we did not have children until I was 31. People had just about quit asking when we were having any, we'd married when I was 19. I heard ladies whispering at a wedding wondering when we were going to have children and concluding that something MUST be wrong.

People can be so cruel. Having or not having children is a very personal decision, and should never be taken lightly. Look at all the women in the Bible who were barren and the sadness and even ridicule they endured. We are fortunate at least in this age that we have more ability to decide what we want.

I don't know what I would do without our girls, but if you don't want to add children to the world, why not think about adopting babies already born. A couple we know adopted two 8 month old boys from Guatemala. They are so cute. Any grandmother would be proud of them and they have a wonderful family here in America. There are lots of options if you check around.

But, being childless is an okay decision, too. You will definitely have more money to use in other ways!!

[Ponyup]

We wanted children desperately, but that was over 20 years ago, and was another time. You should never have children until you are ready and want them badly. Due to infertility issues, we did not have children until I was 31. People had just about quit asking when we were having any, we'd married when I was 19. I heard ladies whispering at a wedding wondering when we were going to have children and concluding that something MUST be wrong.

People can be so cruel. Having or not having children is a very personal decision, and should never be taken lightly. Look at all the women in the Bible who were barren and the sadness and even ridicule they endured. We are fortunate at least in this age that we have more ability to decide what we want.

I don't know what I would do without our girls, but if you don't want to add children to the world, why not think about adopting babies already born. A couple we know adopted two 8 month old boys from Guatemala. They are so cute. Any grandmother would be proud of them and they have a wonderful family here in America. There are lots of options if you check around.

But, being childless is an okay decision, too. You will definitely have more money to use in other ways!!

I have actually been thinking a lot about adoption. My mom thinks that there would be a lot more problems involved with an adopted child rather than a natural birth child, but I don't agree. This is something I wish my grandmother was still around so I could speak with her about it. My mom's first cousin adopted a girl & things have turned out really well. I think I will speak to her about the adoption process. My thoughts are that I don't think I want to bring a child into this society, but it would be nice to take a child that's already here & give them a better life.

[RLC12345678]

I have actually been thinking a lot about adoption. My mom thinks that there would be a lot more problems involved with an adopted child rather than a natural birth child, but I don't agree. This is something I wish my grandmother was still around so I could speak with her about it. My mom's first cousin adopted a girl & things have turned out really well. I think I will speak to her about the adoption process. My thoughts are that I don't think I want to bring a child into this society, but it would be nice to take a child that's already here & give them a better life.

That is a very touching perspective and so true. Did you know that Faith Hill was adopted? AND, it is obvious that Janet's son is a good example of a successful adoption. He is a fine fellow. Please keep us updated on what you decide to do. You know we will be behind you 100% whatever it is you decide.

[Janet]

Yes my son is adopted. We were blessed with him on Dec. 22, 1990. He was only two days old. We have never had any problems, so I don't know why someone would tell you that. He is the joy of our lives and couldn't ask for a better son. He looks so much like my husband it is unreal. Walks like his dad and some mannerisms, but is picky like (me) his mom, smart like his mom and well just an all around good boy........:) :)

[Marilyn]

My father had the same idea about adoption that your mother has, Pony. This is one reason that we did not adopt before we had our girls. When I hold someone elses baby, however, I know, for myself that is, that I could love an adopted child as much as my own birth children. My husband and I have recently discussed becoming foster parents. I've made a couple of phone calls, but may even consider that option at this point in our lives. There are so many children out there who need a stable home. I know it would not be easy, and there is a lot of training to go through to become foster parents, but I'm sure the rewards would outweight the negatives. We're just at the thinking about it stage right now though. We would need to make some adjustments in our current activities and lifestyle to have the time we would need to foster children.

[Ponyup]

I know that I could love someone else's child as my own. I would actually want to adopt a slightly older child like 1-2 yrs old. Ever since I was little (like 10) I have always taken young girls under my wing. I had 3 girls over the course of the years from when I was 10-18 that latched on to me. They were always shy little girls & I would usually befriend then at 2-3 years of age & then when they started school & made their own friends that would forget about me. The last girl I befriended however, came from a pretty hard homelife. Her & I stayed friends until she was near 10. Her parents were having there own issues & I'm sure she felt ignored & unloved. I remember I came over to babysit her one night & when I got ready to leave she told her mom she wanted to go with me & her mom said why don't you just go live with her then. Had she been serious I would of taken her in a heart beat. But since then her parents have gotten a divorce & things have been much better. Sorry I kinda went off topic.

[Marilyn]

Hey, it's your thread, girl. Take it wherever you want to go. You will be such a good mom, when and if the time is ever right. Hang in there, you will know what is best for you. ;)

[kaymo]

Why did I have children???? I 've been asking myself that same question all day long! :eek:

[Willow]

I always wanted to be a mom. I had it all planned out! I would get married, have a year or two later, and I would add a baby once every 3 years until I had four kids....YEAH RIGHT LIKE THAT HAPPENED!!!!!

Oh I got married, but two weeks after the wedding we found out we were preggers and so at my first dr appointment a couple weeks after that we figured they would tell us we were about 4/5 weeks along....try TEN WEEKS...I was six weeks preggers when we married....THAT wasn't in the plan! 23 months later baby two arrived and the first wasn't potty trained yet! The best age gap we have is the 2 1/2 years between kid number 2 and kid number 3...kids 3 and 4 are only 19 months apart. I have two in diapers and it is not fun! LOLOLOL

I don't mind that my plan didn't work out as expected. I love all my kids, and have thought about having one more. It is scarey being a parent. You worry all the time, and no one should go into parenting lightly. If you don't think having kids is what you want, then don't do it! Only you can make that decision for yourself. I had kids because I wanted to. Because I wanted to experience life growing inside me and giving them birth. (I know, not the greatest experience, but it was a labor of love everytime!)

I feel like every woman who wants to be a mother should have that chance, and those who don't want children, well that is their right! I have thought about donating my eggs to give a woman who wants to birth her own child the chance to experience that miracle. That isn't for everyone. Some women who can have their own children are happier adopting. It is a personal choice, and it should stay that way.

On the other side of the coin, there are people having children who have no business having children.

[SweetCuteness]

I'm 22, and I'll also be 23 in a month... 19 days to be exact :) I really want kids. I completely understand your concern and frustration with the school system. I just moved here to Arizona, so I don't even really know what the school system is like, but my guess is that it's way worse than the schools I went to in Oregon. I've thought about that a lot myself, and I think when I have kids they'll be put in Private Schools. I know a lot of people don't have the means for that, but half my family went to Private schools and didn't seem to be affected by the drugs, hate, etc.

Kids are a huge life-changing life-long commitment... and they're something that you should fully have your heart set on before you decide to bring them into this world.

Just my two cents...

[magnolia]

It never ceases to amaze me at the rudeness of some people! The decision to have (or not have) children rests solely with the parents-to-be....and no one else! Afterall, it is YOUR lives that will be altered with the addition of a child, whether it be a natural child of your own or one you "choose" through adoption. Once a child enters your life, gone are the carefree days - no more just picking up and going, no more spur of the moment decisions to go out of town for the week-end - can't even decide at 9:00 at night you want ice cream and go get it unless one of you stays behind with the kid(s) or you get them out of bed to take them with you! If and when the time ever comes that feels "right" to begin your family, YOU will know it in your heart. As for what to tell others when they inquire, not sure what I would say but it would be something along the lines of "We have discussed children and we aren't at a point in our lives where we are ready to make that "leap" to parenthood!

As for adoption, I applaud you for your reasons - there are just too many unwanted and unloved children out there that deserve their chance at happiness. They didn't ask to be brought into this world yet they are the ones suffering! My babysitter in New Orleans had adopted both of her daughters. She had a saying on her wall along the lines of adoption being where the baby is chosen special from the heart. I can't remember exactly what it says (that was 16 years ago) but it was something along those lines.

Now, to answer your question on why I decided to have children - I'm still pondering that myself...LOL! J/K - I love my boys immensely - wouldn't trade them for anything in the world! After 3 years of marriage, hubby and I felt we were ready to start our family but it was something he and I discussed together before trying. Hang in there and let your heart lead you both!

[Miss_Sara]

I DEFINTLY agree with you
I'm thinking about it and you're absolutely right,
I've heard millions of stories about 10 year old drug addicts, and kids that are sexually active in elementary school.
and thinking about it I knew a lot when I was 8 years old!

but that isn't a reason not to have kids
because you REALIZE this
you'll be a great mom! You just have to make sure that you
do everything in your power to influence your children to have the right mindset.
to make sure that you inform them about things they don't learn at school
etc.
now you really have to be strict with kids at a young age, and teach them about how to be good people and how their decisions will deeply impact their lives, you'll make them good kids!

I think that you sound like you'd make a wonderful mother
but I'm NOT trying to change your mind at ALL!