How do I tell him??

[toodles]

I am really struggling with something. I just am not attracted to my husband anymore. I dread being intimate with him. It has nothing to do with me loving him...because I do. But he has gained about 30 lbs in the last year and I just can't stand it. I have never been with anyone that let themselves go that bad. never. I hope I don't sound too shallow here but this is very serious to me. I don't expect him to be all muscles and in tip top shape..he wasn't when I met him and I was ok with that. But he has really gotten bad. He has rolls on his back! It was very hard for me to get past the fact that he is COVERED in black hair...but I am ok with that. but the combination of him being very overweight...I really can't handle it. I have tried to encourage him to eat better and exercise. but he just isn't doing it. I have even cut out 99% of all sweets, cut WAY back on my servings of food, and lost 13 lbs in an effort to get him to be more concious of what he is doing. I am not a heavy person by ANY means...i could stand to lose a few pounds...but it isn't much at all. i think every woman feels like she could lose a few lbs :)

i am sorry if i sound like a snob or a horrible person...i really do feel bad for feeling this way. but i can't help it. He is a very intimate person and it is really killing him that I am never "in the mood" but i just can't help it. and I have no idea how to tell him. like i said, i have tried over and over again to encourage him to do better...and not by telling him that HE needs to, but by doing it myself and asking him to join me. he just isn't getting the hint.

i am afraid our relationship is going downhill because of it but i really can't help it. i just can't. am i a bad person???

[Janet]

You're only a bad person, I think, if you keep hurting his feelings by not wanting to be intimate and not tell him why. Maybe you can just tell him that since he has gained weight, you're worried about his health and once you start talking, you can tell him how much it bothers you intimately.

[AngieDoogles]

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we've been married as well. I'd really like him to lose some of it, mostly because I worry about his health (he has a very bad history of heart disease in his family). He knows that I worry about this, and we try to eat healthy, but he'll eat sweets any time he gets the opportunity, even though we don't keep them in our house very often. It's frustrating.

One thing we used to do was go to the gym together. We played racquetball ALL the time and I did notice that he started to lose weight then. Maybe you and your husband could do something similar? Is there a game or sport that he really enjoys?

I don't think you are a bad person. You can't help whether or not you are attracted to someone. That just happens or it doesn't, you know? But it is important for his health (and your relationship) that he maintains a good weight. Maybe you could tell him how scary it would be for you if he started to have health problems and then suggest ways to reduce that risk. You could also mention that it would make you feel better about your intimate relationship, but be careful...men are very sensitive about this so you'll need to be very gentle with him.

Good luck!

[Tink]

I agree with the other ladies.
You're not a bad person at all.
My hubby and I have BOTH gained weight since we got married and we're able to just laugh it off as another thing we share. But if it truly bothers you, ignoring it won't make it go away.

I don't know how to approach the subject, but I sure do wish you luck with it!

[toodles]

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we've been married as well. I'd really like him to lose some of it, mostly because I worry about his health (he has a very bad history of heart disease in his family). He knows that I worry about this, and we try to eat healthy, but he'll eat sweets any time he gets the opportunity, even though we don't keep them in our house very often. It's frustrating.

One thing we used to do was go to the gym together. We played racquetball ALL the time and I did notice that he started to lose weight then. Maybe you and your husband could do something similar? Is there a game or sport that he really enjoys?

I don't think you are a bad person. You can't help whether or not you are attracted to someone. That just happens or it doesn't, you know? But it is important for his health (and your relationship) that he maintains a good weight. Maybe you could tell him how scary it would be for you if he started to have health problems and then suggest ways to reduce that risk. You could also mention that it would make you feel better about your intimate relationship, but be careful...men are very sensitive about this so you'll need to be very gentle with him.

Good luck!

he is totally against gyms. he says that if you can't motivate yourself to work out at home, you can't motivate yourself to work out at a gym. i disagree but this is a topic we have gone over a million times and he won't budge :( and...he hates all sports :( he does like to go for walks...but honestly, it isn't just that...it is his eating. he eats ALL the time. constantly eating. sometimes it is fruits but more often than not...it is just anything that is there. wether it be sweets, breads, anything. and if it isn't there...he'll find something to eat. when we eat dinner, he always finishes my food. even when he says he is full.

i don't want to keep ignoring it...i do want to talk to him about it. i guess that is why i posted...for some advice on how to talk to him. you ladies are a ton of help...thanks for the advice. i'll keep chewing on it (LOL) and let you know how it comes about :)

[AngieDoogles]

he is totally against gyms. he says that if you can't motivate yourself to work out at home, you can't motivate yourself to work out at a gym. i disagree but this is a topic we have gone over a million times and he won't budge :( and...he hates all sports :( he does like to go for walks...but honestly, it isn't just that...it is his eating. he eats ALL the time. constantly eating. sometimes it is fruits but more often than not...it is just anything that is there. wether it be sweets, breads, anything. and if it isn't there...he'll find something to eat. when we eat dinner, he always finishes my food. even when he says he is full.

i don't want to keep ignoring it...i do want to talk to him about it. i guess that is why i posted...for some advice on how to talk to him. you ladies are a ton of help...thanks for the advice. i'll keep chewing on it (LOL) and let you know how it comes about :)

Maybe you could buy a new piece of exercise equipment if he'd rather work out at home? That might get him motivated. Or you could start a program together so that you'd be able to encourage him along the way.

As far as the food is concerned, perhaps if the two of you shop together (I don't know how you do that now), then you could say you want to buy lots of fruits and vegetables so that you can both be more healthy in the future. If there isn't a lot of sweets or fattening foods around the house, he won't be as tempted, at least when he is home. Also, there are a lot of ladies who have posted some really great WW recipes here in the recipe section. Maybe if you make it a goal for both of you to eat healthy, you'll begin to see an improvement in your husband's health and weight. I'm a big fan of encouraging by setting an example, if you can't tell. ;) I hope it works out for you. Again, good luck!

[Gina]

Your not a bad person at all for wanting your husband to be back in shape, and that you are not attracted to him like you once were. If memory serves me right you had some issues awhile back with the tattoos and so on. For one, my husband and myself are both in shape , don't get me wrong I gained on and off through the years since I have been married , but always manage to get it off. My husband has not really gained any weight he walks a lot and his takes after his dad they eat all they want and not gain weight.

The point I am trying to relay to you is that yes becoming heavy can turn off someone sexually, but put yourself in his place. If you were the one gaining the weight and he didn't want to be intimate with you how would you feel?. It is hard to lose weight, maybe you should motivate him, like some suggested. Walk with him after dinner, cook differently change his eating habits, he is not a child but men usually need to be led by the hand. As I mentioned in the begining I think there are other issues here and you are not being honest with yourself. I can be wrong and I hope that I am, reading your past posts I think there is more than you are admitting... Regardless I think you should talk to him and express your feelings. Good luck

[DianaB]

The point I am trying to relay to you is that yes becoming heavy can turn off someone sexually, but put yourself in his place. If you were the one gaining the weight and he didn't want to be intimate with you how would you feel?. It is hard to lose weight, maybe you should motivate him, like some suggested. Walk with him after dinner, cook differently change his eating habits, he is not a child but men usually need to be led by the hand. As I mentioned in the begining I think there are other issues here and you are not being honest with yourself. I can be wrong and I hope that I am, reading your past posts I think there is more than you are admitting... Regardless I think you should talk to him and express your feelings. Good luck

Good comment, Gina. I was going to make about the same remark. How would you feel if the tables were turned and it was you who had gained the weight? Work with him and find a solution that works for you two. Remember that there's more to a person than just the packaging.

[vainchick5]

To be honest, if you have tried hinting, cooking better, and suggesting working out together, I think it's now time to just tell the truth. I think you not wanting to be intimate with him is probably hurting his feelings more than just telling him that you just don't feel as sexually attracted to him as you once were before he gained weight. I am a firm believer in honesty, even if its a little brutal. It serves no one good to beat around the bush. You'd be surprisd at how well people can take the truth sometimes. Maybe it's something he already knows and feels but doesn't want to admit.

[toodles]

Your not a bad person at all for wanting your husband to be back in shape, and that you are not attracted to him like you once were. If memory serves me right you had some issues awhile back with the tattoos and so on. For one, my husband and myself are both in shape , don't get me wrong I gained on and off through the years since I have been married , but always manage to get it off. My husband has not really gained any weight he walks a lot and his takes after his dad they eat all they want and not gain weight.

The point I am trying to relay to you is that yes becoming heavy can turn off someone sexually, but put yourself in his place. If you were the one gaining the weight and he didn't want to be intimate with you how would you feel?. It is hard to lose weight, maybe you should motivate him, like some suggested. Walk with him after dinner, cook differently change his eating habits, he is not a child but men usually need to be led by the hand. As I mentioned in the begining I think there are other issues here and you are not being honest with yourself. I can be wrong and I hope that I am, reading your past posts I think there is more than you are admitting... Regardless I think you should talk to him and express your feelings. Good luck

no, our relationship isn't perfect, but it is great. yes, we had an issue with me getting a tattoo, but we worked it out.

don't get me wrong, I am intimate with him. but i am not as attracted to him as i feel i should be. He wouldn't ever tell anyone he is neglected in the intimacy department. I just wish I could be more "into" it i guess.

you are all right, i just need to talk to him about it. I have tried to, but I don't think he is really understanding that I am serious. I have talked to my best friend about it and she has talked to him a little, in passing, but I think he just takes it as joking around.

I agree that I need to just bite the bullet and talk to him. And yes, if the tables were turned, I would want him to talk to me. so, I will do it.

thanks!!

[Gina]

Good luck!! let us know how it goes ..:)

[DianaB]

In talking to a man you can't beat around the bush about what you want. They do not have a clue when you don't get right to the point. So just tell your husband very plainly what you're having a problem with.