Going ballistic

[Tink]

I'm usually pretty tolerant and try to be fair and courteous to everyone. But I have a temper, and on the rare occasion that I lose it, God protect those who get caught in the fall out. :o
Tonight was one of those times.
I've been aching terribly with arthritis since the weather is changing dramatically here. I hurt all over and have a horrible time with my hands and knees in particular. I've got a lot of stuff I'm trying to accomplish here, so that pain just interferes with my abilities to a frustrating degree.

Besides this, as you all know, our crowded living arrangements have been getting to me. Just too many people under foot and in the way most of the time. I end up staying in my bedroom a lot just to avoid the chaos and resent that I feel I have to hide out.

My son keeps pushing my buttons without even trying; and almost never picks up after himself which just bugs me to no end. He also has company more often than I'm comfortable with, ends up borrowing things and not putting them back, etc etc. So tonight I was in the kitchen going through the mail and Moses was going to Joel asking to be let out and he just ignored him. I commented on the obvious... that Moses needed to go out... and Joel made the mistake of reminding me that he is MY dog... At which point I went off on him like a firecracker. His fiancee was here and looked shocked to see that side of me, Joel was mad, I was frustrated and embarrassed, so after putting the dog out, I just went back to my room and hid again.

He cannot understand why I get so upset with him. He does almost nothing around here; we support him, and he just can't see why I get fed up with picking up his slack. He works, but has to keep buying speakers, car parts, etc rather than chipping in for his own food and such. I just can't seem to get across to him that we are tired of it and he needs to move on.

I realize I'm stressed with the recent turn of events with Katie... I know the acheyness makes me more grumpy... there are just so many contributing factors and he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he continues to hang on to that position, then is offended when I blow.

I've told him straight out that I feel it's unfair that I have been put in a position of having to yell at him to make him do anything or be angry while I'm doing it all myself. I don't want to have to end up enemies with him to get him to either chip in or move out... but he doesn't seem to have any inclination of changing unless we force him to.

Argggggggggg I hate this. I get so stressed I don't even feel good and I'm told I'm supposed to avoid stress! I gave life to him, and now I feel like my life is going to be cut short by fighting with him as well.

It just feels really unfair.

[Marilyn]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. He and his girl friend should be able to see what is happening and understand. They probably do, but do not want to face facts. I don't have answers for you. Only you know the situation and what needs to be done. Glad we are here for you to vent. We all need to let off some steam now and then.

One thought, you may try not hiding in the bedroom, but being right there in the middle of their fun. They may decide they need to be somewhere else.

[2tiredmom]

Tink,

I know I don't get on here much but I agree with Marilyn. Get in their way and
maybe they will get the message. Do you do his laundry? If so quit... That might get his attention too. Just a thought. Your in my prayers. Get to feeling better soon................

[katepoet]

It definitely stinks! I suggested to one friend that we find a mentor for her 26 yr old son just for these things. Then I suggested, after checking around the community, that we ancient friends step in and each take certain days of the month when we will be checking in with him through phone calls, email, etc. to remind him that he belongs to a community who is concerned about him, cares about him, and will help him keep on a good path. I thought of this after reading about how many adults need to be in a young child's life to make him or her more likely to stay straight and succeed as an adult. Everyone agreed to do it but she has yet to set up a meeting-gathering with him and her community where we can tell him what we are up to and how much he matters to us.

Point of this is - how about other adults in his life stepping up to the plate and talking with him about his decisions?

[Janet]

I know you're just venting Tink, but I just feel the need to say something. I don't want anyone taking advantage of you ....even your son. Linda (Cecil) is right. Stop doing things for him. I'd go as far as putting a lock on the fridge too. Start charging rent and whatever else you feel is necessary. Why should he get out when he's got it so good?

Why not let your husband talk with him...man to man. I was always told that in any situation....you can only be walked on if you're lying down.

[DianaB]

{{{{{{Brenda}}}}}} I'm so sorry that you're still having to deal with this. I agree with Janet about having your husband talk to your son. I know that you're very fustrated over this, but you have got to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry that your arthritis is bothering you. Do you take anything for it? I take Piroxicam for mine. It's a medicine that's been out for quite a while so it's not terribly expensive. You might ask your doctor about it.

[Tink]

Thanks all
I don't do his laundry... he's capable even if he doesn't always want me to think so.
I rarely cook for him because his schedule and mine are very different. He works from 3 pm to 2 am Mon - Friday, so comes home and stays up several hours while I'm sleeping, then sleeps till 2 pm before going back to work.His wacked out schedule is part of our problem.... he's up and about while I'm trying to sleep and has company here during that time as well with no regard to my getting woke up by their noise.

So he does laundry when I'm trying to sleep and the laundry area is right outside my bedroom. If I've left towels in the dryer he's been known to bring them in my bedroom and dump them on my bed with me in it to make way for his own clothes to dry. I nearly flew out of bed and tackled him for that!
He cooks for himself and never does up his dishes, so I have the kitchen cleaned before I go to bed and get up to dirty dishes, sink and counter most mornings. He's also terrible at leaving pop cans, wrappers, and so on where ever they fall.

Living with him is like trying to shovel during a blizzard... you think you've got it done, go to sleep, and wake up to the same mess you just cleaned. Then dh comes home and wonders why the house looks so messy! **faint**

Gregs due home today... I'm going to have to have a good long talk with him and get some resolution decided on. My wish is that they'd all be moved out by mid December; but we've got to stand together in order for that to happen.

[rivermom]

I'm just going to be blunt and probably make a few angry. Wouldn't be the first time, LOL!! :D

Kick his butt out! It's time for him to move on. Sit him down, tell him that this is your house and give him a timeline on how much longer he has allowed to stay with you. He doesn't have to do for himself because he doesn't have to. He probably will resent you for awhile but it's all just a part of parenting in my eyes. I don't have all the answers for sure...Never will say I do.

Again, I apololgize for writing what I feel. I understand that my thoughts are harsh and seem unfair or mean.

[katepoet]

I don't think that's necessarily mean, Sheryl. It depends on the individual situation, of course. I have to agree that he sounds like he needs to live independent of Mom cleaning up behind him so he can wallow in his mess and see where that leads him!

[Tink]

Sheryl. I agree fully, it's getting dh to back me that's been the hard part. His dad was an abusive nasty person and dh has taken the absolute opposite approach in his parenting in an effort to never be anything like him. It just breaks his heart to think of being that firm even though he seems to know it's gone too far too.

I really want to set a deadline and stick to it. If he's old enough to be engaged, he's certainly old enough to move out of our house! He's been offered to move into the same house his fiancee lives in and split the rent etc... and he finds all kinds of excuses not to go. I think it's time we just put our foot down so he has to go somewhere. It's not healthy for him to keep living here... not for ANY of us.

Katie being pg, has renewed her resolve to move out again. Her bf tells me his Christmas gift to her is going to be the first and last months rent and deposit on an apartment for her. (Whether she's ready for him to move in or not at this point is still in question) So unless she refuses his gift, she will be moving into a place of her own soon.

I think whatever date we set for Joel should also hold for Doug, the "extra kid" we have living here. I can't see keeping him here if we make Joel leave.

If I have my way, we will have an empty nest before New Years. I pray it works out that way.

[katepoet]

That sounds like such a good plan - it's much easier for each one of them to face the move out date when each one is not the only one doing it. I think of the things we do to force growth as part of the job of making men and women out of boys and girls. If we don't, they will be like some of my students - unable to live independent of Mom and Dad, standing straight and proud.

[rivermom]

Thoughts are with ya Tink!!

[DianaB]

Good luck, Tink!

[Janet]

Best wishes and love to ya Tink!! I wanted to say so much what Sheryl said. It really is time he moves out. He needs to come home from work and go to bed, this crap of interrupting your sleep is bull! Put a chain around the fridge, maybe he'll get at least one hint.

You are just too good a person for him to treat you this way.

[rivermom]

Wouldn't it be great to have all the perfect answers on parenting? A guarantee that life would be easy with them? Sheesh, wake up Sheryl!! :o

Out of three kids - one is doing pretty well now. (trust me he had his moments) Another who I just found out doesn't believe in God, and my last one who thinks I'm a stupid mean idiot. It was soooo much easier when they all were young. I think the hardest time is when they are able to look you straight in the eye. Each inch of height means an inch more of issues.

I just keep hope that it all works out....Isn't that all we can do??

LOL - Tink. It would be easy if you could just spank his bottom and send him to his room. A little time out sorta say right?

A reminder to all us Mom's with adult kids....Deep breath, deeeep breath! *sigh*
A reminder to those with itty bitty kids....Deep breath it will only get worse! ha haaa *sigh*

[Janet]

So far, my son and I are very close and he gives me no problems.....but he's also smart enough to know I'd sell his car in less than a minute!!!.....LOL

[judy]

Sheryl - you are so right! The bigger they get, the bigger the problems.

Dear Tink,

You know I feel for you and certainly support you, both for your sake and for your son's. He does have to learn to live on his own.

I have to say though that dh (Greg) is a sweetheart. Although it's not working out, his motives are so loving. I'm so glad that you're married to such a kind man.

You'll work it out. Worst case scenario, change the locks or move, leaving no forwarding address! Seriously, it will happen.

[Tink]

Thanks all.
I pulled Greg aside yesterday and talked with him again about this situation. He said "We can't throw them out just before the holidays!"
So instead of inconveniencing them, I have to keep on living this way. :mad:

I love my kids... and my tenderhearted man... but I'm really quite tired of being the one left behind to deal with them 24/7 when they refuse to grow up! So Merry friggin Christmas... I don't even know where I'm supposed to try to put up a tree.

Doug sleeps on the couch and has all his clothes, a small safe, etc stuffed into one corner of the living room. Joel put 2 huge and 4 smaller speakers in the living room to have surround sound on the tv. And this is all above and beyond the usual living room furniture.

Our dining area is in the kitchen, so there's no extra space there either.


2215

[katepoet]

Have them rent a small storage unit for a month and put there junk there- all of it! Then tell them the end of that rental period is the day they must be out! It sucks for th holiday, I know, but at least you can demand your space be tidy and less cluttered with their detritus. Even out in the country, craigslist is a great place to find rentals, short and long term.

[Janet]

Okay, you could get a set of bunk beds or two and move ALL the kids and their things into one bedroom. When they start feeling crowded maybe they'll leave. You know we're on your side..right? We love ya Brenda!!!

[judy]

How about after the holidays?

[Tink]

ROFL Janet, I LOVE the bunk bed idea.
I wish I could get 2 sets of them cheap for just a month... I dare bet it wouldn't take any longer than that. If I set them all up in Joels room, they'd have wall to wall beds.
The 3 of them could sleep there and have a spot for one guest as well! LOL
His room is supposed to be an enclosed porch that lucky for him, is insulated and finished off... but isn't heated or cooled. So he used a window AC unit over summer and a small space heater in winter.

That would at least allow me to claim Katies' bedroom as my den/craft room that it was intended to be.

Once Joels' room is vacated, we plan to use it for the freezer and storage. It's off the back door of the house so even has an outside exit from it. We've lived here 2.5 yrs and because it's been his bedroom, I have never gone out that door.

[rivermom]

Don't give up Tink. Just keep on telling them all how important this is to you. Eventually they will listen right?

[katepoet]

If I wanted bunks I would just post it under wanted on craigslist.org and on freecycle.org and I am sure they would pop up.

[Gina]

Thanks all.
I pulled Greg aside yesterday and talked with him again about this situation. He said "We can't throw them out just before the holidays!"
So instead of inconveniencing them, I have to keep on living this way. :mad:

I love my kids... and my tenderhearted man... but I'm really quite tired of being the one left behind to deal with them 24/7 when they refuse to grow up! So Merry friggin Christmas... I don't even know where I'm supposed to try to put up a tree.

Doug sleeps on the couch and has all his clothes, a small safe, etc stuffed into one corner of the living room. Joel put 2 huge and 4 smaller speakers in the living room to have surround sound on the tv. And this is all above and beyond the usual living room furniture.

Our dining area is in the kitchen, so there's no extra space there either.

2215

Tink you are in a bad position. Your husband sounds like the nicest man. If your not going to put them out, btw I am a softie to. lol Just set grounds rules, remind them this is your HOUSE. Today if you get some time make a list of dos and don'ts and stick to your guns. Tell them that you do not run a hotel here and that he is being inconsiderate coming in from work late , doing laundry and whatever he does.. Schedule a laundry time, he has to get up a little earlier in the day. Sorry.

Tink I have my son at home who is still in college. He is a good boy, but he is lazy does nothing around the house. It is like pulling teeth to get him to walk Gucci during the day. I admit I am an italian mother who caters to him so it is my fault. He is doing great in school so I slack off on him. I am bothering him now to go get a part time job for the holidays.My daughter dorms at school when that beauty comes home she does nothing either.. She is always studying and stressed how can I bother her. So yep I am guilty too. Like Sheryl said it is hard being a parent , no manuals to guide you.. Good luck!

[Janet]

See Tink, you're not alone, we all as parents need some help somewhere, somehow. I know one way that helped with my son and hubby was if I picked anything up of theirs (because they were too lazy) it either went in the trash (for them to dig out) or I threw it out the back door. I figured if it was important to them, they'd take care of it and put it where it belongs.

I'm with Gina....since hubby is so kind hearted...write up some rules...don't rush it, think them over and make sure you have everything covered....then tell them to sign it, follow it or get out.

Boy I sound so pushy don't I? I wonder if I'd be able to follow my own advice if the time comes.....LOL

[DianaB]

I'm sorry that you're still dealing with this issue, Tink. I wish that I had a magic wand to wave it your direction so that everything would be worked out. It's really hard to "push" your kids out of the nest as we all know. I have a different suggestion for you. Prayer. Start praying that your children will move out and into their own places. Pray for jobs to open up. It's the best thing that I can recommend to you.

[katepoet]

I like Diana's idea. Prayer can bring you the way to deal with them and some inner peace in the midst of the chaos.

[Forgivenmom5]

I know how you feel Tink. The week I am on chemo almost nothing gets done. Angie and Traci offer but I have 2 kids living here that should be doing it.