I need a friend

[blowry]

I know I don't post much here but I do come on and read from time to time.

I have posted about this before so won't go into all of it but, I could really use a friend.......
I am 50 yrs old (hubby just turned 46). This is my second marriage. We don't have any children (THANK GOD!) just 2 furbabies. We have been married for 8 yrs this past Nov. Everything was good in the beginning then all the crap started! I am pretty good at recognizing symptoms of mood disorders, anxiety, panic etc...in people because I have been there myself (not the mood disorder but, depression). My husband, who I love with all of my heart, was diagnosed bi-polar almost a year ago. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions. Never knowing what his mood is going to be, I am always walking on egg shells. The therapist he is seeing has put him on meds. I KNOW it's not going to be an over night cure but, it's taking longer than I thought. I am having a very hard time with this, living with a person diagnosed bi-polar is not easy. I don't know what to say or do most of the time. I don't know if what I am doing is helping or not. I cry alot and am alone alot. THANK GOD for my skin kids and furbabies! I just don't know what to do anymore. Anything I try doesn't seem to work.
Do any of you live with a bi-polar? I would really like to have someone I could talk to and ask questions...I really want to help my husband...I can't live like this for the rest of my life.
Please pm me if you wouldn't mind...maybe we cold help each other.

Brenda

[Marilyn]

I'm not in your situation, so cannot relate to what you are going through, but would still like to be your friend, and I'm sure there are many others on here who would also like to help. Hope you do find someone who can relate and offer suggestions. Hugs, Brenda!!

[blowry]

I'm not in your situation, so cannot relate to what you are going through, but would still like to be your friend, and I'm sure there are many others on here who would also like to help. Hope you do find someone who can relate and offer suggestions. Hugs, Brenda!!

Thank you Marilyn. I just feel like I'm at the end of a cliff and trying not to fall off. Bi-polar is a horrible thing to live with. Especially for my husband. He also drinks WAY too much which doesn't help. He can go from sweetheart to bast*rd in the same sentence. I know when he is going to have an episode...nothing I can do or say can help. I don't know from one minute to the next what his mood is going to be. It has definately put a wedge between us. He has changed so much in the past few years that I feel like I'm married to a different person. My daughters are older (24 and 29 yrs) and they can see how this is effecting me and want to say something to him...That would only make it worse for me so...nobody says anything...Even though he's on meds, he doesn't think it's HIM....it's everyone else. He started working nights again, about 4 months ago, I HATE IT! but, with the way he treats/talks to me I feel this is better for both of us. I just kind of go on with my life and my skin/furkids. I am going to be a first time gramma in July...I focus on that alot! I have put this is Gods hands so many times he is probably sick of hearing from me...I love my husband so much and want him well...I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for listening to me Marilyn

Brenda

[janc]

My 2nd husband would constantly chew me out when he got moody. It didn't start till we'd been married for 8 or 9 years. I'm not one for taking that (My 1st husband was gay and I didn't realize it. I was stuck because of having 3 young children and no job. When I got out of there (with the kids), got a job (teaching), and got settled back in LA I swore that I would never give up my job again because I wanted to be able to say goodbye if I ever got in another bad situation. Back to 2nd husband- he has many good qualities. One of those is that he listens to me. He started up again with the anger about 4 years ago. I turned around and told him he could call our Dr. and get on an antidepressant or I was out of there. ( I had retired in 01 but still had a license to teach in NV and would have had no trouble getting a job out there.) That morning he called and picked up the prescription that day. It took a few days to work but he is like a different person. He says he wishes he had taken it when he was young. Life is too short to be miserable. The first 8 years we were married he was chewing out the secretary instead of me. Some women just take the grief and that's their choice . I am lucky in that my husband puts me first and I am very spoiled. Also, I adore him (most of the time) and am happy with my life.
Do you think counseling would help you? Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one for you. I'm praying for you and hope that things work out for you. You seem like a very nice person.

[goofywife]

My heart goes out to you. :ghug:

I don't have anyone in my family that has that, but we had an employee diagnosed a few years ago. It is a terrible diease. She went off the deep end and started calling customers in the middle of the night, as well as was completely unreasonable during the day. I can't imagine having to deal with this at home. I think its going to be important for you not to lose who you are in all of this. I wish I lived closer we could go out for a cup of coffee.

[Janet]

Have you talked with his Dr to make sure he's on the right medication for him. It must be so awful feeling the way you described. I don't know of anyone to help you, but have you googled for bi-polar support groups?

I do hope you can find help through all you're going through, but until then, you can still vent with us and share your feelings.

[Marilyn]

... I have put this is Gods hands so many times he is probably sick of hearing from me...I love my husband so much and want him well...I just don't know what to do anymore.....

Never give up on prayer. God never gets tired of hearing from us. We are to pray without ceasing. That does not mean ALL the time, it means don't give up, don't quit going to God in prayer. He wants us to put our burdens on Him. and He does things on His time, not ours, so we must be patient.

Living with anyone can be work at times, I cannot imagine living in your situation. You have a heavy burden to bear. Do find a support group if you can and hopefully he will get on the right meds and stop the drinking.

[judy]

Bi-polar disorder is difficult to treat, but with the right doctor, the right meds can work. I don't know how involved you are in his treatment, but since you are so in love with him, you might want to jump right in there and be very pro-active, getting in touch with his doctor, perhaps finding another doctor, working with him on the meds, etc.

He, of course, has to stop drinking, so perhaps marriage counselling could help with someone else as a mediator. It takes time and patience to find the right meds, so
counselling might help you both get through it more easily.

Good luck with this, and we're all here to support you!

[DianaB]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, Brenda. My Dad had mental problems too. He was paranoid schizephrenic and was probably bi-polar too. I was just looking at the Reader's digest a few days ago and I noticed an ad for the medicine he was on and it was to treat bi-polar. After my Mom and Dad divorced it was up to me to keep an eye on my Dad and I did have to deal with a lot of problems. I think that a lot of it is just getting them on the right meds. Dad was on Abilify and it helped him TREMENDOUSLY!!!! (I didn't realize that Abilify was to treat bi-polar. I thought that it was for his schizephrenia.) He was like a different person and I had a lot of comments from others on how much better he was. It WAS a fight to get him on the meds though and KEEPING him on the meds! I'll be glad to chat with you. I don't know if I can be of any help but I'll do my best. Mental illness is so hard because you can't reason with a mind that just doesn't think clearly.

[blowry]

My 2nd husband would constantly chew me out when he got moody. It didn't start till we'd been married for 8 or 9 years. I'm not one for taking that (My 1st husband was gay and I didn't realize it. I was stuck because of having 3 young children and no job. When I got out of there (with the kids), got a job (teaching), and got settled back in LA I swore that I would never give up my job again because I wanted to be able to say goodbye if I ever got in another bad situation. Back to 2nd husband- he has many good qualities. One of those is that he listens to me. He started up again with the anger about 4 years ago. I turned around and told him he could call our Dr. and get on an antidepressant or I was out of there. ( I had retired in 01 but still had a license to teach in NV and would have had no trouble getting a job out there.) That morning he called and picked up the prescription that day. It took a few days to work but he is like a different person. He says he wishes he had taken it when he was young. Life is too short to be miserable. The first 8 years we were married he was chewing out the secretary instead of me. Some women just take the grief and that's their choice . I am lucky in that my husband puts me first and I am very spoiled. Also, I adore him (most of the time) and am happy with my life.
Do you think counseling would help you? Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one for you. I'm praying for you and hope that things work out for you. You seem like a very nice person.

I have seen hubby's counselor once on my own and once with him. Of course I was limited as to what I could say when he was with me but, when I went on my own I couldn't stop talking...I have so much stress right now and kept jumping from one issue to the next...never really finishing any of them. I also work in a counseling center so, I have therapist, literally, at the tips of my fingers all day long which has helped alot...Thank you so much...I like to think I am a nice person

[blowry]

Have you talked with his Dr to make sure he's on the right medication for him. It must be so awful feeling the way you described. I don't know of anyone to help you, but have you googled for bi-polar support groups?

I do hope you can find help through all you're going through, but until then, you can still vent with us and share your feelings.
Thank you Janet...You have to be one of the sweetest people.
I have spoken with his med prescriber several times. hubby has been on med for almost a year now but, she has to keep adjusting them so I'm really not seeing much improvement...I do see some so, that's a good thing. I know this is going to take time but in the meantime it is tearing my heart out. As I've said in another post, I work in a counseling center and get ALOT of support from my co-workers. I have started seeing his therapist...only saw her once but, have another appt on the 31st of this month. I also joined a forum called "find the light" it has good info on it but it is mainly for people with mood disorders, bi-polar, depression...any and every disorder you can think of. I have pm'd a few people on the site but, I need somone that is in my situation. Hubby has had alot happen to him in his life. His bio dad just came into his life a 1 1/2 yrs ago. Hubby didn't even think he was alive! He left before hubby was born and hub only saw him once when he was about 2 yrs old. Next time he saw his father hub was 44. He is having alot of issues with this...alot has happened...It is a love/hate relationship. His father also is bi-polar with a mood disorder and when he come here it's horrible for me..I don't know what to do with myself. His fater is very confrontational and so is hub so when they get started I want to pull my hair out by the roots! After a while I just can't take it anymore and end up telling them to STOP IT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!I almost wish his father had never come into our lives...Is that a horrible thing to say?
There is SOOOOO much more, but, my fingers would go numb from typing and I don't want to bore people...I just thank GOD that I have this place to come to to vent...even though I'm not here often. I love you all on here...

Thanks for letting me vent.....once again

Hugs to all of you and thank you for the prayers
Brenda

[blowry]

Bi-polar disorder is difficult to treat, but with the right doctor, the right meds can work. I don't know how involved you are in his treatment, but since you are so in love with him, you might want to jump right in there and be very pro-active, getting in touch with his doctor, perhaps finding another doctor, working with him on the meds, etc.

He, of course, has to stop drinking, so perhaps marriage counselling could help with someone else as a mediator. It takes time and patience to find the right meds, so
counselling might help you both get through it more easily.

Good luck with this, and we're all here to support you!
Thank you Judy!

Bi-polar is a horrible thing to have to deal with. I am very involved with his treatment. Matter of fact I am seeing his therapist also...I want to know HOW to deal with this...maybe I am doing something wrong?! I don't know...I try so hard to make things right for him.
You are right...he does need to stop his drinking...he gets very abusive when he is drinking (verbally/emotionally) and...he realizes the next day how much he has hurt me and apologizes for days after! That's when he says he is going to do something about it (his drinking) because he loves me so much that he doesn't want to keep hurting me......until the next time he does it. I have actually told him that he has a drinking problem...he just doesn't see it and thinks because he gets drunk at home that makes it ok....because he isn't OUT and getting drunk. I know he loves me with all of his heart as I love him with all of mine...but mine is breaking right now...just not knowing what to do anymore..Thank you for your good thoughts and kind words and support Judy

Hugs,
Brenda

[blowry]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, Brenda. My Dad had mental problems too. He was paranoid schizephrenic and was probably bi-polar too. I was just looking at the Reader's digest a few days ago and I noticed an ad for the medicine he was on and it was to treat bi-polar. After my Mom and Dad divorced it was up to me to keep an eye on my Dad and I did have to deal with a lot of problems. I think that a lot of it is just getting them on the right meds. Dad was on Abilify and it helped him TREMENDOUSLY!!!! (I didn't realize that Abilify was to treat bi-polar. I thought that it was for his schizephrenia.) He was like a different person and I had a lot of comments from others on how much better he was. It WAS a fight to get him on the meds though and KEEPING him on the meds! I'll be glad to chat with you. I don't know if I can be of any help but I'll do my best. Mental illness is so hard because you can't reason with a mind that just doesn't think clearly.
Thank you DianaB! hubby is bi-polar with a mood disorder. He has been taking Lexapro and Lamictal which is a very good mood stabilizer however, his therapist is only increasing his meds at 25mgs every 2 weeks! This isn't working!!! I have told her and so hasn't hub! but, she will not up him anymore than that...she doesn't want to give him to much at one time incase he has a reaction to it..this way, she said, when he hits a "good place" then she will stop there...in the meantime I want to chock him! I work in a counseling center and, have spoken with our med prescriber, she told me that Lamictal is one of the best mood stabilizers...Hubby is over 200lbs and 6 feet so he isn't a small man...he could certainly take more than 125 mgs of the Lamictal. I guess I just want him the way he use to be quicker than it's happening..

Thank you for input DianaB I am sorry that you have to go through this also...I'm just glad to know that I am not alone

Brenda

[blowry]

Never give up on prayer. God never gets tired of hearing from us. We are to pray without ceasing. That does not mean ALL the time, it means don't give up, don't quit going to God in prayer. He wants us to put our burdens on Him. and He does things on His time, not ours, so we must be patient.

Living with anyone can be work at times, I cannot imagine living in your situation. You have a heavy burden to bear. Do find a support group if you can and hopefully he will get on the right meds and stop the drinking.
I don't know what I would do without God in my life. I pray to him all the time to give me the strength to help Hubby through this as well as giving me the strength to cope with it...Living with a bi-polar isn't easy.

Thank you Marilyn for your concern

[blowry]

My heart goes out to you. :ghug:

I don't have anyone in my family that has that, but we had an employee diagnosed a few years ago. It is a terrible diease. She went off the deep end and started calling customers in the middle of the night, as well as was completely unreasonable during the day. I can't imagine having to deal with this at home. I think its going to be important for you not to lose who you are in all of this. I wish I lived closer we could go out for a cup of coffee.It's not an easy thing to deal with.
Hubby works night which, in the beginning, I wasn't crazy about. Now I look forward to him going to work! I don't look at that as a bad or hateful thing I look at it as my time to get my thoughts together. Living with a bi-polar isn't fun or easy...the mood swings are incredible! one minute he's fine the next biting my head off for not changing the toilet paper...stupid stuff irritates him...so I just block him out most of the time. He does turn everything around to make it seem that it is ME....not HIM....I've just learned to live with it and not pay much attention. I want him well, we used to have such fun together...doing EVERYTHING together..now we hardly ever see each other, one, he is working most of the time and when he isn't working he is either sleeping or watching tv. I feel very lonely sometimes...Thank GOD for my furgirls
I wished you lived closer too goofy...a cup of coffee and a shoulder would be nice to have at times.

Thank you for responding...it means alot to me to have such support from people that don't even know me

Hugs,
Brenda

[hollisterxsurfx]

I am sorry to hear about the things you are going through with your husbands condition. I had a boyfriend who's mother (in my own thought) had some sort of mood disorder which seemed very closely related to bipolar (her sister was diagnosed with bipolar). It was very difficult dealing with her mood swings because it was like my boyfriend had to decided a lot between her and me due to the fact that I was not allowed over there (for no reason practically at all - i didnt do anything wrong and always respected her wishes) a lot of the time. So I truly believe i know where you are coming from what you are saying it is difficult because it truly is. But hang in there hun, stay strong even though its going to be tough sometimes. and I would say give the medication some time and if it doesnt seem to be working go back to the doctor and see if there is something else or some other medication that will work better. If you ever need someone to talk to ill be here for ya. Im not on here all that much but im on YT a lot xliloliverdiorx is my screenname if you want to pm me ever, if not though thats alright too ill keep you in thoughts and prayers.

[blowry]

I am sorry to hear about the things you are going through with your husbands condition. I had a boyfriend who's mother (in my own thought) had some sort of mood disorder which seemed very closely related to bipolar (her sister was diagnosed with bipolar). It was very difficult dealing with her mood swings because it was like my boyfriend had to decided a lot between her and me due to the fact that I was not allowed over there (for no reason practically at all - i didnt do anything wrong and always respected her wishes) a lot of the time. So I truly believe i know where you are coming from what you are saying it is difficult because it truly is. But hang in there hun, stay strong even though its going to be tough sometimes. and I would say give the medication some time and if it doesnt seem to be working go back to the doctor and see if there is something else or some other medication that will work better. If you ever need someone to talk to ill be here for ya. Im not on here all that much but im on YT a lot xliloliverdiorx is my screenname if you want to pm me ever, if not though thats alright too ill keep you in thoughts and prayers.
Thank you very much. I truly appreciate it.

[Gina]

Hi Brenda :)

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a niece whose husband was diagnosed with being bi polar. They had issues last summer and he came out and told us that he was a drug addict and came to us for help. Apparently my niece wanted a divorce if he was not going to get help. To make a long story short he went into rehab. and is seeing a therapist to help him fight the drug addiction. It s sad for I no longer see him much he works a lot, but we saw him on New Years Eve and he seems like a different person. I guess its the medicine he was so quiet and very much to himself. My nephew I know him over 10 yrs. he was always the life of the party. I found out he was always on drugs it was not his personality we were witnessing. My niece is not one to talk she does not tell us much, when I see her she says he is ok.

Sorry I cannot be of help, this is a tough situation, but Brenda I believe that God carries you through whatever cross you are given. For we all carry a cross at one time or another. Try to be patient and see the therapist for you need to take care of YOU too.

Prayers and hugs sent your way, always feel that you can vent here, we are here for you.

[Tink]

I have a close family member who was diagnosed as bi-polar many years ago. It was awful when she was drinking as the meds couldn't work right with alcohol in the mix.

Once she quit drinking, things improved dramatically. I wonder if that might be the issue there as well? Alcohol IS a depressant... and in someone who is already struggling, is just a really bad idea.

Good luck to you. What you need to try to do is to just live for yourself and let him work out his own problem. It may sound cold, but you can't "fix" him, so there's no sense in going down with him if he refuses to help himself.

I'm sorry... been in your shoes and they hurt!

[blowry]

Hi Brenda :)

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a niece whose husband was diagnosed with being bi polar. They had issues last summer and he came out and told us that he was a drug addict and came to us for help. Apparently my niece wanted a divorce if he was not going to get help. To make a long story short he went into rehab. and is seeing a therapist to help him fight the drug addiction. It s sad for I no longer see him much he works a lot, but we saw him on New Years Eve and he seems like a different person. I guess its the medicine he was so quiet and very much to himself. My nephew I know him over 10 yrs. he was always the life of the party. I found out he was always on drugs it was not his personality we were witnessing. My niece is not one to talk she does not tell us much, when I see her she says he is ok.

Sorry I cannot be of help, this is a tough situation, but Brenda I believe that God carries you through whatever cross you are given. For we all carry a cross at one time or another. Try to be patient and see the therapist for you need to take care of YOU too.

Prayers and hugs sent your way, always feel that you can vent here, we are here for you.
Thank you Gina!
I am glad to hear that your neice's husband realized he had a problem and did something about it. Hubby has always been a hyper person and very social person. He did have a problem with cocaine before we got married. This is my second marriage. We have just been married for 8 yrs, I told him that he had to make a choice...the drug or me...well, he chose me and he hasn't used for over 10 yrs....THANK GOD!! And he KNOWS, as much as it would break my heart, that if he ever started using again that I would leave him. I am 50yrs "young" with 2 beautiful daughters (from a previous marriage) and my oldest is expecting my first grandchild in July...I try to focus on my girls...they don't like what they see and hear him treat me the way he does but, I ask them not to say anything because it would just make my situation worse. I just pray that this medication works......soon!

Thank you for responding and your kind words

Hugs,
Brenda

[blowry]

I have a close family member who was diagnosed as bi-polar many years ago. It was awful when she was drinking as the meds couldn't work right with alcohol in the mix.

Once she quit drinking, things improved dramatically. I wonder if that might be the issue there as well? Alcohol IS a depressant... and in someone who is already struggling, is just a really bad idea.

Good luck to you. What you need to try to do is to just live for yourself and let him work out his own problem. It may sound cold, but you can't "fix" him, so there's no sense in going down with him if he refuses to help himself.

I'm sorry... been in your shoes and they hurt!Thanks Tink!
I have told Hubby that he shouldn't be drinking while on the meds...and so has his therapist but, he is going to do what he wants...I do believe that one day he is going to realize he shouldn't be and either cut way down(he will never stop) or I will have a very difficult decision to make. This isn't my first time dealing with an abusive (verbally/emotionally) husband. My X was also like this but, no mood disorders. He did hit me a few times an threaten me. This lasted for 19yrs before I finally said "I've had enough!" Now I'm in the same situation.....again...I seem to gravitate towards people that need help...I once had a therapist tell me that I can't save the world...well, I keep trying but, it's not working. Hubby told me that he likes himself and likes the way he is and he will never stop drinking....I believe this is all part of bi-polar.....the, "you're not going to tell me what to do" and "you're not my mother". It's that feeling of being the best, invincible..nothing's going to happen to me because I am great. I can't talk to him because he won't listen...or he doesn't hear the words I am saying...he takes everything out of context and, in his mind, I am saying something completely different than what I am actually saying. I will tell him something and he will repeat the same story but in a different way and tell me I am wrong and then agrue with me....for HOURS and sometimes DAYS! Then he realizes how he treated me and apologizes for days after...He tells me..."you know how much I love you and that I'm a dick, just dont' everything so personally" HOW CAN I NOT!!! when he is attacking me....Then there are days that he acts like a child, and then days that he is ok,....I'm just so confused...I wish I could find a support group around here to go to just to vent and hear other's stories. I'm sure that would help. I do ignore him alot and when I can see an episode coming I stay clear, when he starts drinking I won't talk to him at all...I stay in another room....He seems to like to start crap when he's had a few beers and I've learned (from being there before) you can't reason with a drunk!
As for the shoes......I don't like them! I think I'd rather be bare footed

Thanks for your response Tink, I'm glad I at least have WT to come to to vent

Hugs,
Brenda

[judy]

It sounds exhausting! After 2 divorces, I certainly understand your pain.

I was watching someone on TV this morning and she was saying that sometimes, when you pray, God will take away the problem. Sometimes though, he doesn't take it away. You have to believe that God is right there with you and will be with you until you get through it. She also talked about how important it is to believe that God gave you this problem for a reason. You may never know the reason, but believe that you will become better for it.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but this always helps me enormously when I'm going through something.

I think it's wonderful that you work in a counseling center! Talk about having a support system!

[Janet]

I'm glad you posted that Judy...it's something I really need to try and remember.

[blowry]

It sounds exhausting! After 2 divorces, I certainly understand your pain.

I was watching someone on TV this morning and she was saying that sometimes, when you pray, God will take away the problem. Sometimes though, he doesn't take it away. You have to believe that God is right there with you and will be with you until you get through it. She also talked about how important it is to believe that God gave you this problem for a reason. You may never know the reason, but believe that you will become better for it.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but this always helps me enormously when I'm going through something.

I think it's wonderful that you work in a counseling center! Talk about having a support system!
You are right Judy! I truly believe that every happens for a reason. I do pray everyday that we will get through this and, we will...it's just going to take time. God has a plan for me (as well as everyone else) and that is why he had me find my hubby...Hubby needs my help. I honestly don't think that anyone would have stayed with him as long as I have. I am a very patient person and love my husband very dearly...I just want my "old" husband back.

Thanks again Judy

[DianaB]

Brenda, I think that you just need a BIG hug. Come here, girlfriend.......:ghug: You know that we're all here for ya'!

[blowry]

Brenda, I think that you just need a BIG hug. Come here, girlfriend.......:ghug: You know that we're all here for ya'!
Thank you Diana...you are so sweet....Hubby seems to be on the "up" side right now...this is a good thing,....praying that he can stay there for a while. But, I know he won't...This is the bad thing about bi-polar...they live life on a rollercoaster of emotions....I just enjoy it while I have it.