Caution contain's adult situation!!

[lynne b]

I could have put this in a couple different section's (vent, parenting & family, ask a man ect.) but decided to use this one. And I hope this desent offend anyone but I am really struggling here .

My question is?

#1. Is it rape if you say NO?
#2. Is it rape if you are married to the offender?
#3. Is it rape if the offender hold's a weapon to you?


I want to aplogize if this is to graphic for a site like this and admin. if you feel this is an off topic please feel free to delet this I will understand.
Thank you in advance for you view's and comment's , this is by no mean's meant to cause any trouble. It's is a very personal problem I am going through right now.
Thank you Lynne

ok sorry I didnt acutually do this the right way, I have never done a poll before.

[Janet]

The answers to your three questions.....YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

Whoever does something like this needs to be hung by his "you know what"with a choker chain.

[Ponyup]

I agree, if a women says no it's rape, no questions asked. And no one ever should force someone to do anything with a weapon no matter what. I guess unless you're into that. There are some people that are into S & M, but they usually have a safety word if things get too intense. From your limited information though, I'm going to guess this wasn't the case.

Please be safe & get help if you need it.

[Marilyn]

Yes to all three. Forced sex by whomever is rape.

You need to seek safety and counseling as soon as possible if this is about you. Don't waste another minute.

[lynne b]

For your reply's and comment's. I am sorry the damage has already been done, not to me but to my daughter by her husband. Thing's have not been good for them for the last few year's and they were getting worse as the year's went by but she was trying to do the right thing by standing by him and trying to get him the help he need's. He is addicted to script drug's and lost a very good paying job 2 yr's ago for stealing to support his habit, they lost their home, car's and are in so far in debt that I could no way help them enough finacially to make a difference.
He is in jail still but his parent's are trying to scrape up the bail for him to get out. I am so dreading that day. The whole situation has been placed in the states hands so he will defianatly be doing some time, not only for this but for the previous theft charges as well. One of my main problem's is my daughter is feeling so guilty about taking her daughter's father away from them and it dosent matter what I say I cant make her see that it was not her fault. I know it will take time and she is finally going to talk with someone tomorrow (counsler) and I hope them can get her to see this. It just breaks my heart that I cant do anything to make this all go away for her , I just want my little girl back . I think I will be seeking some counseling before this is all done.
Thank's for just letting me get this off my chest. And Janet I know you are there for me and you have heard this from the begining but I can not thank you enough.
Gotta love ya girl.
Lynne

[DianaB]

{{{{{{Lynne}}}}}} I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through this and it must have been very difficult to know that she was having problems in her marriage. Counseling sounds like a really good idea. I'll be keeping your family in my prayers.

[judy]

Dear Lynne,

I'm so sorry this is happening. My prayers are going out for you, your daughter and your granddaughter.

Counseling is a great first step for your daughter. You might feel better if you did go talk to someone too. It's an awful lot for a mother to handle. I went through very difficult times with my daughter and her husband for several years, so my heart goes out to you.

On a good note, we've reconciled after about 3 years. He has stopped drinking and has stopped a lot of his bad behaviors. Good things can happen.

Love and prayers,

Judy

[Tink]

My prayers are with you both Lynne
What a horrible thing to have to deal with.
HUGS

[Gina]

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your girls also. Please get some help yourself this is terrible. But do remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.. God will guide you all through this.

[lynne b]

Thank you everyone for thought's and pray's. I was having a really hard time yesterday, as was my daughter. She finally has an app. today to talk with someone who deals with this sort of thing. I and other family member's have talked till we are blue in the face but she really need's someone other than a family member to help her deal with her feeling. She has such guilt feeling of taking her daughter's father away from them. This is just a messed up situation.
Thank's again for your thought's and prayer's.
Lynne

[Janet]

I wish your daughter could see this for what it is. He is not a good example of a father or husband. Girls look to their fathers to find qualities in a husband/partner...this has been proven in pyshcological studies for years. They also imulate (sp) their same sex parent. So she would be setting a high standard for her girls to not ever let anyone...no matter who it is...to treat them this way. This is not love.

I hope she understands this soon Lynne. She's doing the right thing. His parents must be as crazy as he is to try and get him out. What a group! And don't forget Lynne, just because you can't give her money to get out of dept....you're giving her much more by being there for her.

[Marilyn]

Just wanted to say I agree with everything that Janet and others have said and will definitely keep you in my prayers. Sincerely hoping that this is all resolved to the best possible solution for all concerned. Lynne, so realize that you are being an amazing mom to her.

[Janet]

Since I didn't get to talk with you yesteday, Lynne, I hope things are somewhat better today. I'm here whenever you need me.

[katcarasella]

YES, YES, and YES!!!! NO MEANS NO!

[pope1982]

#1. absolutely
#2. absolutely
#3. without a doubt

[catlover]

If he is released, she should get a PFA (protection from abuse) to keep him away from her and her daughter.

And tell your daughter-it is much better for a child to live with one parent who is happy, than with 2 parents who fight.

Even if she wants to try to work things out with him through counseling, she NEEDS to put herself and her daughter FIRST.

[pearl]

all three are rape. *hug* *hug*
yes your daughter does need to put her and her daughter first. one things victims feel is guilt, but she has to get by that. she is not the least guilty. abusers try to get the victims to feel that guilt also and feel things are the victims fault.
he's got to kick the addiction before he can change at all. then he's got so much more to work on, with all else he's done.
being a victim of abuse myself, getting away from them can be the best thing to do. it's all up to him to get better. she can't do it. and, the child has to be protected.
i'm so sorry you are all going through this.

[Chandra Amaya]

I completely agree with the other ladies. Anytime someone is not willing it IS rape. I am so sorry for your daughter and for you to have to go through this. I also agree that even though she did not want the child(ren) to lose a father that he is a role model and does not sound like one that a child should grow up with. She did the right thing. She may also have saved another woman from the same type of abuse. I think you both deserve a hug and she deserves a big pat on the back for doing the hard, but right thing.

[gypsy43072]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this mess!! I do hope you find a way to convince your daughter she needs to get as far away from this man as she possibly can. As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you it can be hard to admit failure. As far as the children go, please remind her that the only thing worse than coming from a broken home is living in one. I am sure your daughter loved and maybe still loves this man, but once drugs take over a life, that person she loves disappears! She owes it to herself and to her daughters to keep them safe. A home where violence occurs and weapons are used to gain the upper hand is NOT a safe place for her, let alone the children. I dispatch Fire and EMS for the city I live in and hear stories and excuses on a daily basis....He loves me.... it wasn't him, it was the drugs/alcohol.... it was my fault, I made him mad..... he would never hurt the kids on purpose..... he says he loves me and it will never happen again. Unfortunately, if it happens once, it usually happens again and only gets worse.

By the way, my name is Teresa. I am new here... this is my first post I was just planning on looking around and trying to "get to know" people, but I couldn't get past this without posting something.

Good luck to you and your family.

[DianaB]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this mess!! I do hope you find a way to convince your daughter she needs to get as far away from this man as she possibly can. As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you it can be hard to admit failure. As far as the children go, please remind her that the only thing worse than coming from a broken home is living in one. I am sure your daughter loved and maybe still loves this man, but once drugs take over a life, that person she loves disappears! She owes it to herself and to her daughters to keep them safe. A home where violence occurs and weapons are used to gain the upper hand is NOT a safe place for her, let alone the children. I dispatch Fire and EMS for the city I live in and hear stories and excuses on a daily basis....He loves me.... it wasn't him, it was the drugs/alcohol.... it was my fault, I made him mad..... he would never hurt the kids on purpose..... he says he loves me and it will never happen again. Unfortunately, if it happens once, it usually happens again and only gets worse.

By the way, my name is Teresa. I am new here... this is my first post I was just planning on looking around and trying to "get to know" people, but I couldn't get past this without posting something.

Good luck to you and your family.

Welcome, Teresa!!! I hope that you enjoy 4WT!

[Janet]

Hi Teresa!! Welcome to 4WT.

[lynne b]

I thought this had gotten buried along time ago. Well thing's are not a whole lot better other than he is still in jail. My daughter has chosen to move in with her inlaws, she say's that she want's to work on her marriage. In the mean time we don't go see her and the only time I talk with her is if she calls me, I just cant bring myself to call there and take the chance of one of his family answering the phone. She decided not to take the help that we offered her to start a new life without him. So I feel like I have to step back and let her figure things out her own way even though I dont agree with her.
Thank you all for your replys they all mean so much to me. This has been very hard for me, it has brought many memories, her father did the same thing to me and I did not report it.
Thanks Lynne

[Tink]

Lynne, it's so hard to watch our kids going through something like this. My heart goes out to you.
I think you're doing the only thing that makes any sense though by letting her decide for herself. I hope she realizes what she needs to do before she really gets hurt.

HUGS

[Chandra Amaya]

Welcome Teresa and Lynne, I think as a parent, the hardest thing is to see our kids make the same mistakes we did. My thoughts are with your family through this rough time.

[DianaB]

It's really hard to step back and let our children make their own decisions but your daughter knows that you still love her and are concerned for her. If she really needs you she knows that you'll be there for her.