Don't know what to do!

[HALEY]

Many of you know all the problems i have with my in-laws, them boycoting my childs first Birthday party etc., well it's really starting to affect my marriage now, and i am ready for a separtation, i don't like fighting in front of my child and my husband always, always takes his mother's side, he's married to me! not his mother! I told him to go live with her yesterday. and we also talked about him moving out in June when our joint bills will be paid off and he will have his own company truck and i can sell my car.
we'll yesterday when i came home there was a dozen of roses on the table?
i asked what they were for? He said just because. Don't men every listen to you when you talk to them, Now is he moving out in June or does he want to work on our marriage? I am just so tired of the drama in my house, between work, my one year old, i really don't have time for these games... I don't even know if i want to work on our marriage, i really think we need a separtation right now.
i am just so stressed, depressed, confused, and tired!!!

[katcarasella]

Haley, here's a :hug: for you. I'll say a prayer for you! My husband and I almost split up when our daughter was one. I know it was because I was under so much stress and too tired all the time to sit down and talk to him the way I did before we had a child. What's the first thing you do when he comes home?
Try giving him a big hug and a kiss. Don't even bring the MIL into your conversations with him. You be the positive one in his life, let her be the negative one, and she'll hang herself. Does that make sense??
Go to the Positive thread and look at the song for the day. That's us girlfriend.
:hug:

[HALEY]

Haley, here's a :hug: for you. I'll say a prayer for you! My husband and I almost split up when our daughter was one. I know it was because I was under so much stress and too tired all the time to sit down and talk to him the way I did before we had a child. What's the first thing you do when he comes home?
Try giving him a big hug and a kiss. Don't even bring the MIL into your conversations with him. You be the positive one in his life, let her be the negative one, and she'll hang herself. Does that make sense??
Go to the Positive thread and look at the song for the day. That's us girlfriend.
:hug:
Yes that does make sense! I need to get the negative people out of my life!
It is very hard especially with a child added to our life. I'm going to take you advice and see what happens. thanks Hun !!

[NicoleMarcelle]

Haley i hope everything works out for you!!! :) that was a sweet gesture of him though... :) hugs to you

[HALEY]

Haley i hope everything works out for you!!! :) that was a sweet gesture of him though... :) hugs to you
I know it was very nice of him, i should have thank him for the flowers, instead i asked what they were for? Just tired girl ! I have so much on my plate right now, and he's been working 7 days a week. i just need a break.

[NicoleMarcelle]

I know it was very nice of him, i should have thank him for the flowers, instead i asked what they were for? Just tired girl ! I have so much on my plate right now, and he's been working 7 days a week. i just need a break.

i understand... big hugs to you!!! and i hope you get your break soon... if i was closer i'd baby sit for you so you could go pamper yourself :)... i love kids :D

[HALEY]

Oh thanks hun, that was so sweet of you, i was just thinking today, i really need my hair done, my gray hair is sneaking back out again :(
I'm just going thru a bad time right now, hopefully it will pass soon, i just keep saying to myself, if God brings you to it, he'll get you thru it....

[NicoleMarcelle]

Oh thanks hun, that was so sweet of you, i was just thinking today, i really need my hair done, my gray hair is sneaking back out again :(
I'm just going thru a bad time right now, hopefully it will pass soon, i just keep saying to myself, if God brings you to it, he'll get you thru it....


yup, remember G-d will never give you an obstacle/test you can't pass/get through... :)

[DianaB]

I think that every mother with a young child has felt like you do! Overwhelmed!! And in-law problems don't help. Remember that you married your husband, not his family.

First of all, simplify your life so you don't feel so busy and have time for your husband and baby. Say no to things that you don't have to do and get rid of things that you don't absolutely want to do.

I can sympathize with having your husband side with his mother because my husband, even after 33 years, is still like that. Every big arguement we've ever had has been because of his family. Hanging in there sometimes has been hard but my husband is a wonderful man and the thought of raising my children in two separate households just wasn't something that I wanted to do.

Believe me when I say that things will get better. Try to talk to your husband about the problems that you're having without attacking his mother and offer some solutions to help the situation. Not having your MIL babysit will give you some distance from her. I find that I like my MIL better if I'm not around her very much.

Don't be too quick to start talking about separation or divorce. My husband and I have always had an unspoken agreement that we would never bring those two things up and would work through things. We're in this for the long haul and sometimes it's really not easy! Good luck!

[Gina]

Haley you have been given good advice from the ladies as usual. I will put in my two cents and talk to you as if I were talking to my own daughter.

Marriage is a hard job especially when you are first married and children come into play. Every stage of marriage has its ups and downs. Trust me there is no perfect marriage out there. Like Diana said you cannot fight over your MIL and other family members they should be left out of the equation. He loves his mother and he loves you. He did married you but sometimes men cannot tell their moms to stay out of their marital life. I have a son and a daughter, I see and you will see what a mothers love is. From the day your son is born he is everything to you. Some day yes he will married and I promise myself as long as his wife treats my son wonderful I will not interfere. I do hope that she will love and respect me for if not it will be her lost for I know I would treat her well. Sometimes MIL have this stigma placed on them from the start in which is not fair. DIL have a tendency to stay close to their family and shut out the in laws which is not right either. I feel communication is always best for all.

He brought you flowers he is telling you in his own way that he loves you, you have a baby to raise. Yes if he has other issues, drinking, gambling, womanizing then by all means leave. If it is just his family thats breaking you up , Don't let this happen. One day talk to each other and express how you feel, maybe he is realizing that he is losing you and wants to make it work. I to almost left my husband a few years ago, and my children were very upset. I just couldnt do this to them, I know people say you can't live your lives by your children. But you know what if I left I know my kids would have not succeeded in their education.We did go together for counciling and he is trying. We will be together 26 yrs. Haley heed want Diana has said don't have them babysit, hire someone to do it. On weekends every so often get a babysitter and go out on a date. Don't be quick to leave, give it time and see what happens.

Sometimes marriages that have problems become stronger because of it. But it takes time.

PS I had my FIL who was a pain in the neck, I learned to yes him to death and always did want I wanted it kept the peace.

[Marilyn]

Haley, you've been given some excellent advise here, so I will try to keep my comments brief. This is 34 going on 35 years of marriage speaking.....there is no perfect marriage. If someone says their's is, they are either lying or deluding themselves. There are certain periods in every marriage where things become difficult and you look at each other and wonder how this happened, how did I marry this person. It sounds like you are in one of those periods. Please give it more time. Try to remember what drew you to him in the beginning of your relationship. All of your lives will be richer later if you can make it through this period. The key is honest, sincere, non-confrontational communication and building trust. You have to communicate lovingly, and not argue. More than likely, you feel like you are doing more for him than he is for you, and he probably feels like he is doing more for you than you are for him. Communication is key!!!!!
Sincerely hope this helps!!!

[Tink]

Haley, most separations end up in divorce. I hope you don't end up there. The other ladies have given wonderful advice as usual. I hope it works out for you!

This is my second marriage. My first one lasted 7 yrs and I divorced him. Even though it was me who wanted out, it was darn hard to start over and to raise a child between two separate households. If you think it's hard to deal with your MIL now... imagine what it's like to deal with your ex's new wife helping to raise your child!

You're under an incredible amount of stress, but that means it's time to start pulling together instead of apart. I've been married 22 yrs this time and it's not always perfect, but like anything worht having, it's worth putting some effort into and pays you back accordingly.

**fingers crossed for you!**

[Forgivenmom5]

Good luck Haley. Take some time and decide what is right for you and your child.:bighug:

[HALEY]

I wanted to thank all of you for your wonderful advice!
We have been talking the last couple of days, and he has been helping me more around the house too which is a big shocker! I can't believe he went grocery shopping with me yesterday, we even took the baby! It was nice not to carry all those grocery by myself. Then we did talk alittle bit last night about his mother and him working all these hours, it's hard having the baby everynight by myself, i have to cook, clean, laundry, feed the baby, wash the clothes, you ladies know the list is never ending, then i don't get to bed until 10:00 pm and im up at 4 am..
it's just not fair and he agreed with me.
She did show him the letter that i wrote to her, he didn't have a comment on it so i let it go, all i said is his family is welcome over here anytime they wanted to come over, just call ahead in case the baby is sleeping, or i have plans to go out with Micah, and i dropped it!!! i will let it go at that, that is all i'm saying about his family, i put the ball in there corner.. Now it's up to them.. This fighting about them is going to stop before i have a breakdown here....
I did feel alittle less stressed last night, i was glad we had that talk and we'll see how it goes , im just taking it one day at a time, and praying everynight on it.

[Gina]

I am glad to read your post this morning :) Communication is the key and its making him see. Just keep expressing your feelings. Trust me there is nothing out there. I have girlfriends my age 50's who are on third divorces and are bitter women. Some have regrets of leaving their first marriages years ago. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. You find it hard now with a husband, forget it when he is not there you will be on call 24/7 working , paying bills taking care of your son.

Just think it through and give him a chance see what happens.. Good luck!

[HALEY]

I am glad to read your post this morning :) Communication is the key and its making him see. Just keep expressing your feelings. Trust me there is nothing out there. I have girlfriends my age 50's who are on third divorces and are bitter women. Some have regrets of leaving their first marriages years ago. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. You find it hard now with a husband, forget it when he is not there you will be on call 24/7 working , paying bills taking care of your son.

Just think it through and give him a chance see what happens.. Good luck!
im trying Gina, but it's a shame it takes almost separting for men to wake up!!
He should be helping me around the house, with our son, etc. and with his mother he knows i was right, he should have been on my side on that one!!
it just gets to me! I don't want to yell or scream at him for him to listen to me, he married me.. he should be my other half that makes me whole... It just makes me look like the bad person all the time. He needs to stand up to his mother once in a while.. But i refuse to fight about her anymore. she is not babysitting for me no more, and she will always be welcome in my house if she wants to come over and see her grandson..

[Janet]

I sure wish I had some good advice to offer. Gina's done a really good job. You do need to think it through, because she's right, if you separate, you'll definitely be doing it all then.

Remember too that your husband as worked all day. Don't jump him when he walks in the door. Give him some time to adjust to being home and then just ask him to help do this or help do that.

Men really don't think the way we do..a shame isn't it?...so some of them need to be told or asked nicely to do whatever. The things around the house that are important to us are not important to them. We have to tell them.

As far as the in-laws...don't fight with them, the battle will always be there if you do. There is a big difference in wanting to be right and having respect for them, after all they did something right or you wouldn't have fallen for their son. I always found keeping a small distance and not giving out all information is a great way to keep the family together.

[Janet]

don't know what happened there, but had a double post so I deleted one....duh!!!...LOL

[HALEY]

I sure wish I had some good advice to offer. Gina's done a really good job. You do need to think it through, because she's right, if you separate, you'll definitely be doing it all then.

Remember too that your husband as worked all day. Don't jump him when he walks in the door. Give him some time to adjust to being home and then just ask him to help do this or help do that.

Men really don't think the way we do..a shame isn't it?...so some of them need to be told or asked nicely to do whatever. The things around the house that are important to us are not important to them. We have to tell them.

As far as the in-laws...don't fight with them, the battle will always be there if you do. There is a big difference in wanting to be right and having respect for them, after all they did something right or you wouldn't have fallen for their son. I always found keeping a small distance and not giving out all information is a great way to keep the family together.
Thanks Janet, Yes i am done talking about the in-laws, i said what i had to say to his mother and Mike also..
As for the stuff around the house, he needs to realize that i work also 8 1.2 hours a day too, then i run home to pick up the baby, feed him, bath him, cook, dishes, laundry, clean the house etc. i need help too... he wants to work 7 days a week and he does side jobs at night so i don't see him til 9:00 at night and i know we have tons of bills so does everyone else! were managing. He needs to spend time with his son too. That's another one of our fights too! Micah is only yound once. He's going to regret it one day, not spending time with him. its' sad.