i'm done trying !!

[HALEY]

Yesterday was my husband's Birthday, so i have been saving up for a grill to get him from his son, so he came home is a bad mood as usual, didn't even Thank me for the grill, got into a fight and then he went out with his friends. Couldn't even spend the rest of the day with his son!!! i'm just so pissed off right now.. been thinking about it all day.

From what his family did Micah's Birthday, and him, i'm just done being nice. I really do hope he moves out in June, right now it couldn't be soon enough for me.

[judy]

I'm so sorry Haley. It's rough going through a marriage ending.

My daughter was 7 months old when her father and I split up. I have to say that I was much happier. I also would not have wanted my daughter to grow up in such a negative home.

On the other hand, maybe you two can work it out.

I'll pray for you.

[Freckles]

I am so sorry and that was just a hurtful thing to do on his part.
I would try to put it behind me and just move on, because dwelling on it will just hurt even more. (( hugs )) to you .... Janie

[goofywife]

He just couldn't handle you being nice to him. His loss.

[Gina]

Haley I feel bad you are trying he is not, like Michelle said he can't handle it. The ball is in your court now only you know what is best. One good thing Haley is that if you end your marriage you can say I tried and that is a good feeling. Good luck!

[Janet]

Sorry you're going through this Haley. No one knows but you how much you are willing to take. You'll need to carefully evaluate how you really feel and know you probably won't get much help from him once he's gone.

[Dobie]

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. But I think you should feel good about yourself - it takes a big person to take the moral high ground, and getting him something for his birthday and trying to have a good day for your son, was taking the high ground.

[Marilyn]

Haley, so sorry you are going through this. By the way he's acting, I'd be suspicious. Are you sure he's not fooling around??? He's acting like he's trying to convince himself that you are somehow to blame. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I've just seen so many people who were doing wrong and were trying to convince themselve that it is the other person's fault, that they strayed. Be careful and consider what we've all said to you before & you always have us to turn to. We care very much about you and your little boy. Take care of yourself!!!! and stay strong!!!

[HALEY]

Haley, so sorry you are going through this. By the way he's acting, I'd be suspicious. Are you sure he's not fooling around??? He's acting like he's trying to convince himself that you are somehow to blame. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I've just seen so many people who were doing wrong and were trying to convince themselve that it is the other person's fault, that they strayed. Be careful and consider what we've all said to you before & you always have us to turn to. We care very much about you and your little boy. Take care of yourself!!!! and stay strong!!!
I thought about that too Marilyn, that's why i been checking his cell phone - im on top of that. I hope he's not.. But if i find out he is, he will be looking for a place to live. that's something i will not put up with !!!!
Mike was a wild child, and i think if it wasn't for me he would be in jail right now.
I got all his credit straighten out which cost way over 6,000, that's why were in such a hole right now, he had two DUI's, (4,000 so far) he still has an interlock in his car, come June all our dept will be paid off and finally we would of had money for things.
He got a nice raise and is finally gettin a company truck, but i think he'll screw it up again, and i don't think i can go thru that again right now, i have a job to worry about and a child i care so dearly for, Micah is my life, and i just don't have the energy for him anymore, it's sad to say.
The weather is getting warmer and i know once his gets his motorcycle lisc. back he'll be on the bike with his friends drinking again, and he knows with these new laws that if he gets pulled over again he will go to jail for a year.. Then were does that leave Micah and me??
Mike is just like his mother, they just care about themselves! It's a shame cause
he was such a good father when Micah was born, he was always there helping me out, but i guess the new baby thing wore off.. i just can't believe he changed so fast. I need to do what's best for my son now. Mike either wants to be a Husband / Dad or he don't! He needs to make that choice now.
His friends or his family.. cause the party days are over... if that's the life he want's Micah and I are gone.

[Ponyup]

Since he didn't appreciate the gift you bought him I would take it back & use the money to buy yourself something nice or do something nice for you & your son. When he asked about it just say I was under the impression you didn't like it so I took it back.

I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time. I know how it is to see the good in people & try to ignore the bad, but it sounds like the bad is getting pretty hard to ignore.

[HALEY]

To take his side a little bit, he is a hard worker, and does provide for his son, he don't care how much i spend on Micah.
But him not spending anytime with his son, that is really getting under my skin. He says he's doing all these side jobs, but i don't see the extra money?
He says he's buying gas and his lunches with the money. so i can have his paychecks for the bills. I don't know if i believe him or not! Just feeling so damn depressed lately.. :(

[DianaB]

You've had some pretty good advice, Haley. My advice is to think things through carefully. Have you considered counseling? I'm sure that a hug would help. :hug:

[HALEY]

You've had some pretty good advice, Haley. My advice is to think things through carefully. Have you considered counseling? I'm sure that a hug would help. :hug:
Yes i have considered counseling, but he's been working now from 7 am to 9 pm. i don't know where we could squeze it in. plus my plate is full, with a full time job and taking care of Micah by myself. it's hard right now.. i'm just lost when it comes to my marriage, don't know what to do? it's draining me. just getting tired of trying and Mike's not.

[judy]

Yes i have considered counseling, but he's been working now from 7 am to 9 pm. i don't know where we could squeze it in. plus my plate is full, with a full time job and taking care of Micah by myself. it's hard right now.. i'm just lost when it comes to my marriage, don't know what to do? it's draining me. just getting tired of trying and Mike's not.


Counseling for yourself might be a good idea. You can just take Micah with you.
He's young enough not to understand what you're saying and probably easy to
keep busy for the 45 - 60 minutes.

[HALEY]

I should at the end of June, when i get Mikes debt. paid off. Scraping now with the bills. sounds like a good idea.

[pope1982]

I will play devils advocate here, but there is a possibility he is just as scared of opening up to you for fear of being hurt as you are.
Men show emotions in different ways than we do, as I am SURE you have figured out!

This is a challenging time for everyone and mixed signals could be to blame for some of this.

He should have at least sucked it up and said "thank you" though. Although, we are all guilty of throwing ourselves pity parties and taking it out on innocent bystanders from time to time and most definitely saying things we don't mean... regretting it the instant it shows it's ugliness.

Hang in there, can you guys maybe try to get all your feelings out through emails to each other? That way you don't forget everything you have on your mind, and how it's made you feel. Could break the ice, if not for the marriages sake, you do have to remain in each others lives for your beautiful son.

I wish your family the best of luck!

[HALEY]

we'll we can't do the e-mail thing, he works construction.
so were just going to have to have a talk one night, when he is home, and that is never! He leaves at 6:30 am and is home 8-9 pm everyday !.
I don't know how to work on a marriage when i never see him anymore, it's getting close to summer and his hours have picked up at work and people are calling him like crazy to do side jobs.. By the time he comes home i'm in bed.
and its not fair to me, i have to run home everyday and get the baby, feed him, get him ready for bed, do all the house work, take care of two dogs.
When do i get a break.
He's also missing out on his son growing up.
One of the problems is we never have "us" time, always busy.. He needs to stay home a couple nights a week and spend some time with his son and take some of the burden off of me and give me a break once in awhile...

[DianaB]

It sounds like you're needing some quality time with your husband. I suggest that you read the book "The Five Love Languages" it's by Gary Chapman. My husband and I were having some problems and this book really, really helped. While your need is for quality time his probably isn't, but he has a different need. I cried through the first couple chapters of the book because they really addressed what I was feeling. It's pretty easy reading and not too terribly long. You can find them on e-bay for not too much.

[HALEY]

It sounds like you're needing some quality time with your husband. I suggest that you read the book "The Five Love Languages" it's by Gary Chapman. My husband and I were having some problems and this book really, really helped. While your need is for quality time his probably isn't, but he has a different need. I cried through the first couple chapters of the book because they really addressed what I was feeling. It's pretty easy reading and not too terribly long. You can find them on e-bay for not too much.
could you give me some highlights of the book? I really don't have the time to read a book right now, something i really miss, i read alot of book, before baby came along.

[judy]

If you want to spend more time with him, you might want to somehow really work things out. You split up when you don't want the other person near you, or on the same planet!

[pope1982]

Very true Judy.

I know how exhausting it can get, you two just need to regain some neutral ground back spending time with each other remembering why you love each other in the first place without all the crap of life interfering once in a while.

Just work towards tomorrow ;) forget about today. It's ticking by while you sit and dwell on it. You're blessed in so many ways, you've got so much to be thankful for.

I would kill to already be married, getting to know my first born! Others admire your youth, beauty and strength. Your husband is a hard worker... (I don't know you well enough to continue this list, but as you can see it is a great start!)

I recommend the movie "The Story of Us" :thumbup:
Take it easy. Not everything is always going to be perfect, you are going to wear yourself down if you set such high expectations of yourself and those around you. Take a moment to smell the flowers, busy your mind with something you enjoy when you find yourself thinking dark.

[katcarasella]

Hang in there Haley, a year from now you'll back on this as just a bad memory.
I'm keeping you and Micah in my prayers.

[HALEY]

Thanks guys, i'm trying, it is very hard, especially with a baby involved, and him working all this OT, were going to Florida the first week of May, my mother paid for most of it, since it will be her last vacation due to her health.
Hopefully we have so time to talk when we go on vacation.
I just can't take the fighting anymore, he still says he's moving out in June. Maybe this is what he needs time by himself to miss seeing his son everyday, maybe he'll spend more time with him. I'm not going to stop him if he wants his freedom.
I been praying everynight on this.. So well see what happens.
Thank you guys for the wonderful advice, i'm going to try and save my marriage, but if he has his mind set on leaving, there is really not much i can do at this point in my life but let him leave.

[DianaB]

could you give me some highlights of the book? I really don't have the time to read a book right now, something i really miss, i read alot of book, before baby came along.

Basically the book explains how there are 5 different ways of feeling loved.

1. Words of Affirmation (telling you that you look great, that you did something wonderful, etc)

2. Gifts (receiving gifts)

3. Quality time (Time spent one on one with no interruptions)

4. Touch (being touched, holding hands, getting a massage from your loved one)

5. Acts of service (This is where you feel loved by the things that your spouse does. Such as mowing the yard or doing things around the house for you.)

My love language is Quality time. I long to have one-on-one with my husband without interruptions. (That's why I hate cell phones) Since he's read the book he knows what makes me feel loved. However his love language is Touch. I know that by touching him his "love tank" gets filled.

We were having a lot of problems before I read the book, enough that I was about to leave. Neither of us quite knew what was going on. I just knew that I didn't feel loved, like everything was more important that I was. When I got the book I cried through two of the chapters because they really spoke to what I was feeling. My husband isn't a reader and we were hardly communicating during that time, I ended up leaving the book next to the toilet when I was gone for the weekend. When I got home we had a discussion about the book and he read it. Things have been soooo much better! It really helped to turn our marriage around. At first he did ALL of the love languages!!! I would get a lot of little gifts from him and he spent a little extra time with me. Of course, it's not one sided, I have to do my part as well, but when we're getting along Touch is pretty easy to do.

The book has ideas on how to incorporate these in your life. It really is a very easy book to read. I'd send you mine but I can't find it, my husband probably loaned it out already. I really recommend that you get the book. Check on e-bay or on CBD.com. I suggest that you make some time and read this. It could really help your marriage. Good luck!

Here's a thread where he brought home a bunch of gifts.

http://www.4womentalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2380&highlight=bouquet

[HALEY]

Basically the book explains how there are 5 different ways of feeling loved.

1. Words of Affirmation (telling you that you look great, that you did something wonderful, etc)

2. Gifts (receiving gifts)

3. Quality time (Time spent one on one with no interruptions)

4. Touch (being touched, holding hands, getting a massage from your loved one)

5. Acts of service (This is where you feel loved by the things that your spouse does. Such as mowing the yard or doing things around the house for you.)

My love language is Quality time. I long to have one-on-one with my husband without interruptions. (That's why I hate cell phones) Since he's read the book he knows what makes me feel loved. However his love language is Touch. I know that by touching him his "love tank" gets filled.

We were having a lot of problems before I read the book, enough that I was about to leave. Neither of us quite knew what was going on. I just knew that I didn't feel loved, like everything was more important that I was. When I got the book I cried through two of the chapters because they really spoke to what I was feeling. My husband isn't a reader and we were hardly communicating during that time, I ended up leaving the book next to the toilet when I was gone for the weekend. When I got home we had a discussion about the book and he read it. Things have been soooo much better! It really helped to turn our marriage around. At first he did ALL of the love languages!!! I would get a lot of little gifts from him and he spent a little extra time with me. Of course, it's not one sided, I have to do my part as well, but when we're getting along Touch is pretty easy to do.

The book has ideas on how to incorporate these in your life. It really is a very easy book to read. I'd send you mine but I can't find it, my husband probably loaned it out already. I really recommend that you get the book. Check on e-bay or on CBD.com. I suggest that you make some time and read this. It could really help your marriage. Good luck!

Here's a thread where he brought home a bunch of gifts.

http://www.4womentalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2380&highlight=bouquet

Thanks Diana, Wal-marts has this book for 8.00, going to pick it up payday.
i'll start reading it at night when the baby goes to bed.

[HALEY]

i justed checked on the book again, when i get done reading that one, they also have one for children, and teens. it might take me awhile to read it Diana, but i'll read a couple pages everynight until i finish it. Thanks girl... :)
i really do miss reading books, felt like i could escape in them sometimes.

[DianaB]

I'm glad that you were able to find one. We're doing a study on "The Five Love Languages of Children". There's also one on Apologetics. I probably need to read that one too. I have a really hard time apologizing. I hope that the book helps. For $8 it's certainly worth a try and I hope that your husband will read it as well.

[HALEY]

I'm glad that you were able to find one. We're doing a study on "The Five Love Languages of Children". There's also one on Apologetics. I probably need to read that one too. I have a really hard time apologizing. I hope that the book helps. For $8 it's certainly worth a try and I hope that your husband will read it as well.

If i like the five love languages of love, i'm getting the children's one next :)
i hope he reads it to, when i'm done with it, i'll give the book to him. i couldn't believe wal-marts has it, i checked online, now i just hope the store has it, or i'll just order it.

[judy]

That sounds like a wonderful book! What a great perspective on relationships. I'm going to find a copy to, even though I'm not in a relationship right now.

Sometimes we expect the other person to appreciate what we're doing, and it's just not what they need.

Haley, I am praying for you and Micah and your hubby for the best possible outcome. You're a wonderful woman and you deserve the best.

[HALEY]

That sounds like a wonderful book! What a great perspective on relationships. I'm going to find a copy to, even though I'm not in a relationship right now.

Sometimes we expect the other person to appreciate what we're doing, and it's just not what they need.

Haley, I am praying for you and Micah and your hubby for the best possible outcome. You're a wonderful woman and you deserve the best.

Thanks Judy, You're also a wonderful woman as well... I'm trying...