bad weekend

[Lindsey]

I don't know what to do and I feel terrible about myself and I can't help how I am. I have a friend I used to be really close to but his girlfriend made him stop talking to me a couple years ago. Now that girlfriend cheated and he threw her out and was left with no friends. We started talking again. On friday night I went out to a friend's birthday party, which Kyle was invited to but decided not to go because he hates my friends. This other guy friend showed up and we hung out for the night and I had a great time seeing him again. Yesterday Kyle asked who was all there and I was truthful and he got mad and refused to talk to me. He thinks just because he's a newly single guy that he's trying to be with me. I guess I have no free will at all, and no mind, and no conscience. I guess whatever a guy tells me to do, I'd just go off and do. He's so scared of some other guy just coming in and taking me away.
Last night I went to his friend's house just because Kyle wanted to watch ufc. He had earlier gotten $740 in relay for life pledges from his family. I told him that was really great but all his friends were all over me about how I could never do that and Kyle is so much better than me and blah blah blah and they were joking but I held in tears, and then they kept talking about how I'm so grumpy and I should loosen up and have a drink but I was too tired I just wanted to go home and sleep. Kyle kept saying he couldn't stay out and play poker because he'd get in trouble with me but I honestly didn't care, but everyone just kept laughing at me.
When we left we went back to his house and I actually did cry and he told me to stop being so wimpy.
Since last year I have had no sex drive. None at all. It disappeared. I don't know if it's in my mind because my last boyfriend betrayed me so bad, or if it's because I switched birth control pills, but I know it's not Kyle. I can look at any attractive guy and my mind doesn't even go there. He gets so angry at me about it. He kept trying last night, and this morning (and every single time I even see him), and I kept avoiding it, and he got mad and frustrated and I just left and I came home and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm the most terrible girlfriend ever and I don't know what to do. I'm crying so hard I can barely breathe.
I'm sorry I don't have anyone else to talk to

[Janet]

Lindsey, I think for one thing you need to see your Dr. and make sure the birth control isn't messing you up a little bit.

The other thing is, I know how much you care for Kyle, but I hope you still see your friends whether he goes or not. I think it's sad that you attend functions with his friends, but he doesn't like to with yours.

When his friends start giving you a hard time, he should step in right then and there and stand up for you. You're his girlfriend. I'd hate to see his reaction if you were his wife. And don't let anyone tell you that you're wimpy. For crying out loud, your a female with hormonal irregularities from birth control.

It doesn't sound like you're a bad girlfriend at all, but it does sound like Kyle could improve on being a boyfriend.

Hope you start feeling better Lindsey, but please have the Dr. check you out.

[Lindsey]

Thanks Janet. I'm a little better now but still worried that he's mad at me. His hockey team is in semi-finals and I wanted to go watch today but we had our fight and he left without me. My roommate said she'd go with me and we'd just leave when the game was done. So we drove out to the place they always play and there was some other tournament thing going on and we had to pay to get in and it's definitely not his rec league, so we left and finally figured out where the other rink is on the other side of the city and went there and nobody was there. Then we called a friend and found out it WAS at the first place but by then the game should almost be over so I came home. I'm so upset that I missed it. I'm ready to cry again. His mom's birthday supper is tonight and I was supposed to go but I think he doesn't want me there anymore.

[Lindsey]

Oh and I know I should probably talk to a doctor about it but I'm way too shy and embarassed to mention anything. I don't even really have a family doctor here because nobody is ever taking patients so I just go to walk-ins when I need prescriptions and they don't know my history or anything and basically they just want everyone in and out as fast as possible because they're always backed up. I don't think I can bring it up with a doctor. Even when I get the question "are you sexually active" my face turns red.

[katcarasella]

Lindsey, Janet gave you some good advice:thumbup:
I hope you seek some help for your depression, you're too young to be so sad, and NO man is worth all this grief.
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Lindsey]

Thanks Kat. I have a cousin who is on meds for depression and I know how the rest of my family talks about her. She's pretty much my best friend though and she knows exactly what I'm going through. I'm just too scared of what other people think of me.

[katcarasella]

Lindsey, I suffer from depression also, but the meds do work. As far as what other people think, who cares, are they paying your bills? You only have to answer to God and yourself, so do yourself a favor and get better, there's a great world out here, but you have to take that first step!! :goodluck:

[Lindsey]

i don't want to die but sometimes i wish i was never born

[katcarasella]

I just looked this up, go check it out there is help out there. :hug:

http://groups.msn.com/BipolardissorderandDepressionSupportsinCanada/youneeditgethelpatonce.msnw

[Lindsey]

Thank you Kat. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I slit my wrists on my 18th birthday. It was the scariest night of my life. My mom knows but she covered it up so nobody in the family knows she has a crazy daughter.
I just went for a drive and drove past the houses of every guy who's screwed me over, and then I drove by the river to try to lift my spirits and then I went way out of town and got lost. I finally found my way back and drove past my boyfriend's house to see he's still not at home, still partying it up for his mom's birthday that I was invited to but then ditched.

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, next time something like this happens, wash you face, go get a nice inexpensive gift and go to the party. The party is for her, not for your BF. Smile and have a good time in spite of him. He'll want to be with the coolest girl in the room, who BTW is you!!!!

[Lindsey]

Lindsey, next time something like this happens, wash you face, go get a nice inexpensive gift and go to the party. The party is for her, not for your BF. Smile and have a good time in spite of him. He'll want to be with the coolest girl in the room, who BTW is you!!!!

But he wouldn't tell me where the party was, I still don't know where they are

[Marilyn]

BTW, I know it's much easier said than done, but don't worry about the past. Let the past worry about the past. Think about the future and all the wonderful adventures ahead of you. Kyle needs to wake up and realize what a sweet person he has for a GF. We know what a special, kind, responsible, caring person you are, so he should surely know!!!

[Gutu28]

I know what the lack of sex drive is like. It's so frustrating knowing you that you can't/don't have the desire to give that part of you to your boyfriend even though you want to be able to. I will say that it's NOT you..Im almost positive that it's the BC. I was on it and lack of a sex drive is one of the most common. Do some research on different kinds and get another perscription. :) Good luck to you :D

[Lindsey]

kyle just called me and yelled at me again. he said i know why he's mad. he's still mad because i didn't have sex with him.

[Dobie]

I don't want this to come out wrong, I don't know you well - but after working in the human services field for over 20 years, some of the things you've said have sent up some flags for me. You've said that he's a really nice guy - but please take a step back and really look at your relationship. It sounds as though he's trying to control a lot of what you do, and that's not healthy. I think Janet is right, you do sound depressed and that is nothing to be ashamed of. The depression can also really knock out your sex drive.
I really hope things improve for you.

[goofywife]

I am really sorry you are having a hard time now. I could totally be wrong, I have just seen some of this to much in my life, but, I think the pot is calling the kettle black. Why is he so quick to accuse you of something. Smells fishy. It seems like he is finding a way to blame things on you for things he may be doing.

Again, I could be wrong. Here are some hugs:bighug::bighug::bighug:

[Lindsey]

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a little better. We talked everything out, and with the whole sex topic he said he feels like I push him away because he's not good enough or I'm not attracted enough. I told him what I found out today just from looking online, that most birth control pills hinder testosterone which is what the sex drive comes from.... and basically I can go to a doctor and see about another type of pill, or get off pills all together. I might also see about an iud or something... but one of my good friends got pregnant while using an iud a couple years ago :( So I'm not sure but I promised that I will see a doctor because I don't want to fight over it anymore, and I do understand how he feels inadequate but I know he doesn't understand why I'm not the same as him. And I DO want to fix it, I don't want to be like this forever. I'd like to have kids someday :)
And he can say whatever he wants about my guy friends. I'm not going to stop having friends just because of Kyle. They will be meeting each other next weekend anyway, and I hope Kyle sees that my friend is harmless. I told Kyle that it's the exact same situation he's in with his old best friend. She's a girl and she's so pretty and friendly and everything. But she got a boyfriend and stopped hanging out with Kyle and his whole group of friends and they never talk at all anymore. I told Kyle that if she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to hang out with Kyle and go for drinks or whatever, I would have no problem with it! And he kind of shut up after that.

[goofywife]

:thumbup::thumbup:

I'm not going to stop having friends just because of Kyle. They will be meeting each other next weekend anyway, and I hope Kyle sees that my friend is harmless. I told Kyle that it's the exact same situation he's in with his old best friend. She's a girl and she's so pretty and friendly and everything. But she got a boyfriend and stopped hanging out with Kyle and his whole group of friends and they never talk at all anymore. I told Kyle that if she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to hang out with Kyle and go for drinks or whatever, I would have no problem with it! And he kind of shut up after that.

[pope1982]

His ego is bruised, he will get over it. And if he doesn't, and can't realize he needs to make you feel special by being spontaneous and romantic, he's not ready for this serious a relationship anyhow. He needs to work on getting you relaxed first! He is approaching this bass ackwards.

It does sound like your hormones spiraling, and I don't know your past but if there is a under lying issue with you and intimacy, you need to talk to some one. These things don't go away on their own. Coming from some one with experience!

Neither one of you are horrible people, you are young and the first couple years trying to figure out how you mesh together is always the toughest. You need to come together and get through this as a team.
I am getting married next March and trust me when I say we have been through some pretty trying times. You never know, just hang in there and don't give up or change yourself (unless you feel yourself you need to grow, which in all truthfulness couldn't hurt any of us ;) )

Live life now, go with your gut.
We are just hear to listen, be here for you, and maybe share an experience or two since most of us have been where you are. Who cares what any of us have to say about your relationship. That is between you two, don't let any one make you question yourself or what you've got.
Him jumping to conclusions does not automatically make HIM a cheater either. It makes him imperfect (like the rest of us) and insecure. We're all guilty of letting the little green monster of jealousy take the wheel from time to time!

I don't want you to feel like I am sticking up for him, I am just trying to think about this from both sides because I have two brothers lol
The differences between men and women are so fascinating and making a relationship work between ANY two people is a lot of hard work.

Cheer up! It is not the end of the world, you are a beautiful caring woman and I hate to read when you are upset.

I will give you a little tip though, next time he calls don't let him see that you are visibly upset. That is what he wants right now, because he is hurting. Just tell him you're a little busy right now and to give you a call back when he feels like rejoining you as an adult partner to work this out. Ask him to read up on some of the side effects of your pill, and even some things on depression.
Sex comes and goes, changes like the weather in a long term relationship. Timing can get all screwed up... one is ready to go and the other is so far from "there".
But it is worth it in those moments when you come together and it all works out :)

That is why the key is to find a best friend for those quiet, event less moments called "life" :thumbup:

[Lindsey]

:) Thank you

[Gina]

Lindsey , you have gotten good advice from everyone. All I am going to say and I am a mother and going to sound like one . You have been down this road numerous times with Kyle. Kyle is not going to change. If this is what you want out of life , your a big girl. I always say don't settle at your age. But I am not the one in your shoes so it easier for me to speak. But I was once your age to. Wisdom comes with maturity. One day you will wake up and say I don't need this negativity in my life.

Your a beautiful and smart girl, please don't let any guy wrap you around his finger. I think you need to speak to someone whether it be your mom, a favorite woman relative, an older woman or someone from your church. Depression is tough most have suffered at one time or another . Please no one is worth taking your life . God has given you a beautiful gift, the gift of life.

As far as the sex if you don't feel like having it. Never let a man pressure you or bully you.. You think your sex drive is low now, wait till you get older, you will experence sex drives change, sometimes better , sometimes worse..


Be yourself and never, ever feel insecure around Kyle or any of his friends. They are not better than you. Remember that !

[Janet]

Lindsey , you have gotten good advice from everyone. All I am going to say and I am a mother and going to sound like one . You have been down this road numerous times with Kyle. Kyle is not going to change. If this is what you want out of life , your a big girl. I always say don't settle at your age. But I am not the one in your shoes so it easier for me to speak. But I was once your age to. Wisdom comes with maturity. One day you will wake up and say I don't need this negativity in my life.

Your a beautiful and smart girl, please don't let any guy wrap you around his finger. I think you need to speak to someone whether it be your mom, a favorite woman relative, an older woman or someone from your church. Depression is tough most have suffered at one time or another . Please no one is worth taking your life . God has given you a beautiful gift, the gift of life.

As far as the sex if you don't feel like having it. Never let a man pressure you or bully you.. You think your sex drive is low now, wait till you get older, you will experence sex drives change, sometimes better , sometimes worse..


Be yourself and never, ever feel insecure around Kyle or any of his friends. They are not better than you. Remember that !


:thumbup::thumbup:

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, I've been unsure how to address this issue, but feel compelled to say something here. You are not Kyle's wife, so you have no obligation to have sex with him anyway. In fact, it's rather absurd that he should even expect it from you. We complicate situations when we become intimate when we should not. Your relationship would be much different if you had waited until you were married. Life is not like in the movies and TV, it's much much more complex and we need to keep some things special.

[Taurus Babe]

Oh guys can be so complicating! Lindsay, I hope things get better. I'm not one to whip out a quote, but I'd like to share this with you. I am not judging you or your relationship, I just think these are great quotes that apply to everyone.

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her."

"You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

**From the book: "A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom: The Four Agreements" By: Don Miguel Ruiz**

Ps, Make sure to let me know if you make any trips to Vancouver! ;)

[Lindsey]

Lindsey, I've been unsure how to address this issue, but feel compelled to say something here. You are not Kyle's wife, so you have no obligation to have sex with him anyway. In fact, it's rather absurd that he should even expect it from you. We complicate situations when we become intimate when we should not. Your relationship would be much different if you had waited until you were married. Life is not like in the movies and TV, it's much much more complex and we need to keep some things special.

I know that some people may judge me for my life choices, but I have no regrets. I'm not particularly religious so I know some people who are don't agree with my choice to have sex before marriage. To be honest, the first guy I had sex with I wanted to marry. We waited 2 years before we did it and a year later we broke up, and I'm SO GLAD we did! At the time it hurt but I think it made me strong, and I realized that what was keeping us together wasn't that we were in love or that we even liked each other that much anymore, it was just that I had thought I could only have sex with one person in my whole life. I'm not promiscuous by any means, but when I'm in a monogomous relationship with someone I really care about I don't feel badly at all for doing what I do.
I know there's a large generation gap and a large religious and cultural gap between me and a lot of the women here, and I totally respect where all of you are coming from, so don't get the wrong idea :)

[Lindsey]

Oh guys can be so complicating! Lindsay, I hope things get better. I'm not one to whip out a quote, but I'd like to share this with you. I am not judging you or your relationship, I just think these are great quotes that apply to everyone.

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her."

"You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

**From the book: "A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom: The Four Agreements" By: Don Miguel Ruiz**

Ps, Make sure to let me know if you make any trips to Vancouver! ;)

:) Thanks. I'm totally being tough and standing up to him right now. I'm actually pretty proud of myself!
And I would absolutely LOVE to go to Vancouver! It's my number 2 Canadian place I want to visit, after Montreal! But it doesn't look like it'll be happening this year since I'm already taking 2 holidays. I'd say the same to you, to let me know if you make any trips to Saskatoon, although there's absolutely nothing here that's better than Vancouver lol. We're the "Paris of the Prairies" but that's not saying much :rolleyes:

[judy]

"I know that some people may judge me for my life choices, but I have no regrets."

Lindsey, as long as you have no regrets, I don't think you have to worry about what anyone else thinks.

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her."

I love this quote, Taurus Babe. My first husband left me, and I really
am grateful. I had to leave my second husband, it took years, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!

Lindsey, you've been with Kyle for a while now. You've both worked through a lot together, but if he's still not treating you as much love and respect as you need, please read this quote over and over again.

I'm 61 now and have so few regrets. I know people who have many, and that is so sad.

And...please straighten out your medical issues. Acting as a Mom,
I'd say get yourself to a qualified doctor and discuss your depression. You're not crazy, just depressed. Then, get yourself to a qualified gynocologist and, blushing or not, discuss your problems with the pill you're on.

[celstu1]

Lindsey,
I think your boyfriend sounds like the one with the problems and issues, not you. He sounds like he is MEAN to you. Why would you want to be intimate with him when he puts you down, calls you names, won't go to functions with you then gets mad at you bc of the guests, lets his friends make fun of you??

I don't think he is doing any good in your life. He is making you feel bad about who are you, what you want in life.. also doesn't he not like your dog? Hes very controlling also. I know what Im about to say is A LOT easier said than done, but think about it ok? I think its time you let this guy go. He is causing you so much pain an anguish, he is not helping your depression... he is very selfish and will keep taking from you until you have nothing left to give. I'd hate hate hate to see you so down that you would contemplate hurting yourself again, especially over a guy who does not deserve a sweet, caring, wonderful person like yourself. You are so young, this is a bad trend to get into. A guy who is right for you will never make you feel bad for who you are... and would defend you to anyone, not let them put you down. (((HUGS)))