Joke of the Day

[katcarasella]

~Thursday~May 1st~Todays Joke

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
:cat:

[Janet]

That was so cute!!!

[teri88]

Oh I loved it!

[DianaB]

Cute!!!

[Chandra Amaya]

*hides the Irish stuff all over her living room* That was great!

[katcarasella]

Friday~May 2nd~Joke


Reckon Mom is a Blonde?

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed
send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience
store."

[katcarasella]

Saturday~May3rd~Joke

Little Johnny at Sunday School
Upon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny's mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn "about a constipated cross-eyed bear". Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny's father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, "the meaning of this." "Oh no, Mr. Wilson," replied the teacher, " the hymn was called, 'The Consecrated Cross is Bare.'"

[DianaB]

:sidesplit: Cute!! Cute!!!

The last one reminds me of something Amy did when she was little. One of the songs we sing at church ends with the phrase "on Calvary's Tree". Well, Amy sang it "on Sesame Street"!!!!! Kids can be so funny!!!

[AngieDoogles]

LOL! Great thread! Thanks Kat. :)

[katcarasella]

~Sunday~May 4th~Joke of the Day

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing
“AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER
IN THE BLOOD.”

The Pastor said “SEX” The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an 87-year-old
great-grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”

[Gina]

They were all great! :thumbup:

[Janet]

I love these!!!!

[katcarasella]

~Monday~May 5th~Joke

A letter to Tide detergent

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the forensic DNA tests were all negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

[katcarasella]

[B]~Tuesday~May 6tWhat Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ...Chris - age 7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." ...Mary Ann - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." ...Lauren - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." ...Karen - age 7

[DianaB]

Those are funny, Kat!! I especially liked the Tide detergent one!!! Very funny!!!

[Janet]

~Monday~May 5th~Joke

A letter to Tide detergent

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the forensic DNA tests were all negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

I really like this one!!!!:D

[AngieDoogles]

~Monday~May 5th~Joke

A letter to Tide detergent

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the forensic DNA tests were all negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

LOLOLOL! :sidesplit:

[teri88]

OMG(osh) oh, that really cracked me up! Can't wait to share that one with everyone I know!

[Chandra Amaya]

wow the tide is great! and the love is just adorable. Some times it takes a child's eye to make us remember.

[Jenny]

Thank you for this ...cute!

[katcarasella]

~Friday~May 9th~Joke~

An old couple were sitting in church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered,
"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said,"I think you should get batteries for your hearing aid."


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

[DianaB]

I like the jokes you come up with, Kat! These are really cute!!!!

[katcarasella]

~Saturday~May 10th~Joke

While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said,
"Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused.
"Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
:sidesplit:

[Janet]

LOLOL.....good one!


Kat, I like your jokes. Not only are they funny, they're clean!

[teri88]

Now that is funny! something I could see happening to me!

[katcarasella]

SUNDAY~MAY 11TH~MOTHER'S DAY

You Know You're a Mom When ......


1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

[katcarasella]

A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER..


Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.
Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good.
Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl,
so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery.
His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.
I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me.
Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets.
Your Father wanted to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving Mother XXXX

P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I'd already sealed the envelope.

[katcarasella]

~Monday~May 12th~Jokes~

Signs that You've had Too Much Computing

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'

Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

~~~~~~~~

How to start the day and feel really good:



Open a new file on your computer.
Entitle it 'Housework.'
Place it in the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recycle Bin.
Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.
Now you feel much better.
~~~~~~~~

[Forgivenmom5]

I love the idea about housework.

[DianaB]

Kat, I loved all of them!!! Cute, Cute!!! The one from the Irish Mother was hysterical!!!

[katcarasella]

~Tuesday~May13th~Joke of the Day~

10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

[Forgivenmom5]

That's great Kat. I love it!

[DianaB]

That's cute! I'm so tempted to read this one to my husband but I don't think that he'd appreciate it!!!

[teri88]

I did read it to my husband. He said, and I quote "ha ha"

[teri88]

A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER..


Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.
Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good.
Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl,
so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery.
His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.
I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me.
Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets.
Your Father wanted to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving Mother XXXX

P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I'd already sealed the envelope.


I missed this one the other day. This is hysterical!

[katcarasella]

TO ALL OF YOU!!!

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l23/dazzlejunction/greetings/thanks/thank-you_7.gif


:ghug:

[katcarasella]

Wednesday~May 14th~Jokes

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."


A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."


"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."


'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'


A woman got on a bus with seven children. The bus conductor asked: 'Are these all yours lady? Or is it a picnic?'
'They're all mine,' she replied. 'And it's no picnic!'


The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one.


A father was talking to his son. 'Now listen, my boy, from now on you do your own home-work. I'm not going to do any more for you - it's not right.' 'I know.' said the boy. 'but have a shot at it just the same.

Eleven year old's environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: 'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.'

[DianaB]

Cute ones, Kat!!!!

[Janet]

Some of those were really cute!

[katcarasella]

~Thursday~May 15th~Joke~


Jack's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Jack would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Jack? Don't you like my singing?"
Jack replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

[teri88]

lol! lol! lol! I have to tell that one to Megan. She is quite loud when she practices. (But at least it sound good!)

[katcarasella]

~Friday~May 16th~Jokes~

When I become old

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

[Janet]

That was cute..

[Tink]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side,
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each others
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

[Chandra Amaya]

lol I have seen this before but forgot the punchline. Such a man thing to say!

[Janet]

Well I hope the heck he has a high voice now!!!

[katcarasella]

~Saturday~May 17th~Joke

Husbands Faults

Husbands have only 2:

Everything they say and everything they do.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."

You really have to feel sorry for husbands.

They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.

[DianaB]

~Saturday~May 17th~Joke

They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.

:sidesplit: :sidesplit: Don't tell my husband that I laughed at this one!!!

Tink, I loved your joke too!!! I wondered what those teddy bears were for!!!

[katcarasella]

Sunday~May 18th~Joke


The teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class,

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[Marilyn]

Good on, Kat!!! LOLOL

[judy]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

[Forgivenmom5]

That's a great one Judy!!!:lol2:

[katcarasella]

~Monday~May 18th~Joke~


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

[teri88]

ha ha ha ha I loved it!

[DianaB]

Loved them all!!! :sidesplit:

[katcarasella]

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

:rolleyes:

[katcarasella]

Sunday~May 25th~Jokes

Letters to a Pastor . . .

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert, Age 11, Anderson.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron

[Forgivenmom5]

This is great Kat. My neighbor and I were saying yesterday, maybe we all need to be more like kids. They are usually honest and say what they think.

[katcarasella]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Do you know?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on the "Start" button?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!)
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Janet]

So funny! I love these!

[judy]

Subject: DON'T MESS WITH BROOKLYN GIRLS




> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
> given their new wives duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her

> that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
> couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house
and dishes washed and put away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given
> his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
> cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he
> saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the
> dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a beautiful girl from Brooklyn, New
> York. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
> dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
> for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
> second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
--

[Forgivenmom5]

Goiod one Judy. Go Brooklyn girls!!

[DianaB]

I've heard that one before and I still get a laugh out of it!!!! Thanks, Judy!!!!

[teri88]

Oh tht is great!

[Janet]

I love those kind of women!!! No nonsense sort of gals!

[Tink]

ROFL good giggles Judy and Kat!
Thanks for sharing!