Now I feel like the worst mother who was ever born!

[judy]

Now I feel like the absolute worst mother ever!

After 3 days of stress and arguing, I finally called Jessie yesterday and told her that I wasn't moving at all. I was staying right where I am! I can't have this arguing between us. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said that she's beginning to realize that this is the way I am, she can't change me, she loves me and she'll just have to live with it.

We aired out our feelings. Hers are that I don't love her enough to sacrifice for her, and that I'm pushing her away. She had hoped for a closer relationship. She feels like we're more like good friends than mother and daughter. Mine are that she has always felt this way, and that it always makes me feel like she doesn't think that I'm a good enough mother.

We both told each other that neither of us is right in how we feel, but you feel like you feel.

She left me a message later on:

"Don't be ridiculous, buy a house wherever you want. I had hoped for more, but it isn't going to happen. I want to always have a relationship with you. In order for us to get along right now, let's keep it light and not discuss this anymore. I dont 'want to be responsible for you to stay in NY. Those conversations were never meant for you to feel like you weren't a good mother. It would be great if you could just know me. We have been having a good time, but I wanted more. For you and I to have a good relationship, we have to keep it light, you have your life and I have mine. etc."

So, now I'm hoping that it will turn out all right. I hate to hurt her feelings. I also don't want my relationship with Steve to go sour.

I really feel so guilty! Like I'm an awful mother who doesn't care at all for her sick child and her poor grandchildren.

[Janet]

Now I feel like the absolute worst mother ever!

After 3 days of stress and arguing, I finally called Jessie yesterday and told her that I wasn't moving at all. I was staying right where I am! I can't have this arguing between us. She was somewhat taken aback, but she said that she's beginning to realize that this is the way I am, she can't change me, she loves me and she'll just have to live with it.

We aired out our feelings. Hers are that I don't love her enough to sacrifice for her, and that I'm pushing her away. She had hoped for a closer relationship. She feels like we're more like good friends than mother and daughter. Mine are that she has always felt this way, and that it always makes me feel like she doesn't think that I'm a good enough mother.

We both told each other that neither of us is right in how we feel, but you feel like you feel.

She left me a message later on:

"Don't be ridiculous, buy a house wherever you want. I had hoped for more, but it isn't going to happen. I want to always have a relationship with you. In order for us to get along right now, let's keep it light and not discuss this anymore. I dont 'want to be responsible for you to stay in NY. Those conversations were never meant for you to feel like you weren't a good mother. It would be great if you could just know me. We have been having a good time, but I wanted more. For you and I to have a good relationship, we have to keep it light, you have your life and I have mine. etc."

So, now I'm hoping that it will turn out all right. I hate to hurt her feelings. I also don't want my relationship with Steve to go sour.

I really feel so guilty! Like I'm an awful mother who doesn't care at all for her sick child and her poor grandchildren.

Judy...I just don't know what to say. You're not a bad mother, please don't feel that way. She said it all in one sentence...she wanted more. If she got more...would that have been good enough? Somehow I don't think so. I hope you both continue to have a great relationship, but as in any relationship..there has to be boundaries. I wish you the best.

[goofywife]

Hmm, You are not an awful Mother/Grandmother! I believe that each person has a right to decide what they want out of life. Even your daughter shouldn't tell you where to live. I will pray that you both will stop putting the pressure on each other, and really learn to enjoy each other for who you are no matter where you live, regardless of the circumstances.

I keep working on my Daughter (light heartedly), I want her to move closer to us, but she has her own life to live, her own mistakes to make, her own dreams to achive. I can not stand in her way, she wouldn't stand in mine. We love each other dearly, and talk to each other everyday. I miss getting to spend more time with my grandchildren, but I am blessed that they only live 3 hours away. We would probably kill each other if we lived on the same block.

[judy]

She is something else!! We just had another argument. She's not happy and doesn't want to feel this way. She can't get past it. She feels like she always used to. blah, blah, blah. All I wanted to say was "leave me the f alone! I want my own life!"

She started with how many times she wants to talk to me a week. I said - oh you're starting with your rules again? She did drop it. But, the rule she did impose was that she doesn't want to hear about where I live, my apartment, my appliances, etc.

I said to her that if I did move up there, I know what would happen to me. I would think before I Jessie today? She thinks that's exactly how I should feel. She can't believe that I said that - it really hurt her that her own mother wouldn't want to feel that way. She has no sense of freedom or privacy or boundaries.,

I would have no freedom if I felt like that. I would be encompassed by her needs.

She said we could have a life together as a family, and can't believe what I'm giving up. Wouldn't I want to take yoga with Mackenzie or swimming lessons with Kassidy or go shopping with her?

She wants me to just give up my life alone and join in with the flow of her family.
I love her and my grandchildren, but I do not want that in the least!

I hope she doesn't impose her punishment on me again - that I can't see the children and she'll stop calling again.

I hate to say this, but I think she is so annoying. I do not want to live her life!

[Janet]

I don't blame you Judy. It's hard between mothers and daughters I think. I hope she doesn't stop calling again, but maybe when you both got back together, it was too much too soon. Maybe a little break would do you both good. You know I'll keep you in my nightly prayers girl!

[Marilyn]

Judy, I sincerely hope that this all works out for both of you. Perhaps a step back for a moment would be good. Dave Ramsey recommends a book called Boundaries. Here's link http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/Boundaries_P303C44.cfm. I think it is available on Amazon.com also. You might check it our and perhaps if you think it's good, Jessie could read it, too. He talks about this book whenever people are having problems with parents or parents with adult children. Hope this or something helps you both work through this situation. We care and are here anytime you need us!!! :ghug:

[Chandra Amaya]

I hope things calm daown and get better for you, Judy.

[judy]

Judy, I sincerely hope that this all works out for both of you. Perhaps a step back for a moment would be good. Dave Ramsey recommends a book called Boundaries. Here's link http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/Boundaries_P303C44.cfm. I think it is available on Amazon.com also. You might check it our and perhaps if you think it's good, Jessie could read it, too. He talks about this book whenever people are having problems with parents or parents with adult children. Hope this or something helps you both work through this situation. We care and are here anytime you need us!!! :ghug:

I just ordered the book. Thanks!

[Chandra Amaya]

I just ordered the book. Thanks!

I hope it gives you some insight or atleast some peace.

[katcarasella]

I hope it gives you some insight or at least some peace.

I'm keeping you in my prayers Judy, I wish I could give you a big hug. :hug:

[DianaB]

I'm so sorry, Judy!

I would venture to guess that your daughter's love language is quality time. When you are with your daughter try to have some really good one-on-one conversations. No kids, no distractions. Just you and your daughter. Try to give her some special attention, compliments, and small gifts. You don't have to be at her beck and call but give her the extra attention when you're there the next time. There's a book called "The 5 love languages of children" that might be helpful.

[AngieDoogles]

I'm so sorry, Judy!

I would venture to guess that your daughter's love language is quality time. When you are with your daughter try to have some really good one-on-one conversations. No kids, no distractions. Just you and your daughter. Try to give her some special attention, compliments, and small gifts. You don't have to be at her beck and call but give her the extra attention when you're there the next time. There's a book called "The 5 love languages of children" that might be helpful.

I've never read the 5 Love Languages of Children, but I did read the one for married couples and I agree that it sounds like Jessie's love language is quality time. Judy, you are not a bad mother, you and Jessie just have different ways of feeling loved. She needs to respect your boundaries, but I think she also needs to spend time with you in order to feel loved. This doesn't mean you need to live close to her, but like Diana said, make some special effort to spend one-on-one time with her whenever possible. Perhaps that will make her feel more loved and cause her to be more accepting of your choices and your desire to live your own life the way you want to. I'm sorry you are feeling down. We are here for you whenever you need to vent. Remember, you are a wonderful person and a great mother who truly loves your daughter and grandchildren!

[judy]

Thanks so much all of you. I need your support!

I found a condo not too far from her with nice duplexes, a heated pool., and a clubhouse, I think with a gym. It's more of a second home place for city people, but I emailed my realtor to check it out for me. I'd love to get in touch with the homeowners association, but I can't get an address or phone number.

I'd like to find out how many owners are year round there. The prices are really good. It's far up in the mountains and the prices are good. It's fairly far
from shopping and a college, but I'd say 45 minutes would get me to each.

I found out that the weather near my daughter and near the city my realtor showed me (1.5 hours away) are really the same. If that's so, I might just do it.
I would compromise - and and it really is a nice place.

I will say that she is totally annoying and manipulative when she wants her way. In fact, I don't know anyone who annoys me so much. I think she behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way, and I'm not in love with that part of her at all. Yuck!

Having said that, I do love her and the kids and don't want to hurt her. I will never make her really happy. Janet - you figured that out as you said it in one of your posts. I'm just too independent and love my freedom too much. I can compromise though.

I haven't heard from my realtor yet. I'll call him tomorrow or Monday. She doesn't know about it, and won't until I decide.

A heated pool! I could learn to love that!

[Janet]

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

[judy]

Judy...it sounds really nice, just be sure it's what YOU really want to do.

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

[Janet]

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

I wanna come live with you!

[goofywife]

Can I come too!

I think I want to move to Tahiti and lie on a beach chair for the rest of my life!

[Janet]

Okay everyone...we're moving to Judy's new place!

I've got my stuff...3176

[Gina]

Thanks so much all of you. I need your support!

I found a condo not too far from her with nice duplexes, a heated pool., and a clubhouse, I think with a gym. It's more of a second home place for city people, but I emailed my realtor to check it out for me. I'd love to get in touch with the homeowners association, but I can't get an address or phone number.

I'd like to find out how many owners are year round there. The prices are really good. It's far up in the mountains and the prices are good. It's fairly far
from shopping and a college, but I'd say 45 minutes would get me to each.

I found out that the weather near my daughter and near the city my realtor showed me (1.5 hours away) are really the same. If that's so, I might just do it.
I would compromise - and and it really is a nice place.

I will say that she is totally annoying and manipulative when she wants her way. In fact, I don't know anyone who annoys me so much. I think she behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way, and I'm not in love with that part of her at all. Yuck!

Having said that, I do love her and the kids and don't want to hurt her. I will never make her really happy. Janet - you figured that out as you said it in one of your posts. I'm just too independent and love my freedom too much. I can compromise though.

I haven't heard from my realtor yet. I'll call him tomorrow or Monday. She doesn't know about it, and won't until I decide.

A heated pool! I could learn to love that!



Judy, I just read both your posts and I feel bad for you. You seem to be what's the expression between a rock and a hard place?? yep I believe that is the expression.

Your not a bad mother/grandmother at all. There are certain mothers whom love to spend every waking moment with their daughters and their family. Then there are the one's who like to have quality time with their daughters and have their own time to themselves too. There is nothing wrong with either relationship. It is how you feel and you are entitled to having your own life too. As moms we have sacrificed our time raising them and always being there for them. When they are older and off to college most of the time we are not needed, they need to find their way in life. But they do come back once married.

Your daughter must realize that you have been an independent woman for many years and you are still young. You need to have your own space, that doesn't mean that you will not be spending quality time with her and her family. Don't feel guilty no need to fight. Tell her that you love her and will be closer to her in distance than you are now. You will see her more often than you do now , and if she is not feeling well you will be there in a heartbeat. Judy maybe she is scared because of her illness, just keep reassuring her that mom is close by.


If you want to get in touch with the association of the condo complex, ask the realtor to get the number for you.

Good luck and do what is best for you.. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Marilyn]

Judy, please don't rush into anything right now when emotions are running so high. As Janet said, please make sure it is what YOU want. You are the one who will have to live there. Perhaps you could rent for a little while to "try it out" and see if it's a fit before making such a hugh committment. Be sure you are close to competant medical facilities also. We love you!!!

[judy]

You're all right! I really don't know where I'll end up living. I do like this place though. I'm going to try to attach some pix.

[Tink]

Judy, we devote many years to raising our kids. Willingly give up our time and space and often our dreams to provide for them the best that we can. I'm sure you did this, and know I have.

There does come a time when we deserve to live for ourselves though. For you and I, that time has come. Please don't let her or anyone else guilt you into giving up the freedom you've earned. Setting boundaries can be hard, and our kids always know which buttons to push to make us feel that we owe them more... but that doesn't make it true.

I think too that it sounds like you need to take a break from decisions until you truly know where you want to be. You don't have to decide today... and it seems it might be better if you don't!

Several years ago my oldest dd asked us to move about an hr away to help her with her oldest while she worked and went to school. Since I worked from home, Greg drove semi, and I was homeschooling Joel and Katie, it didn't matter a lot where we lived, so we decided to do it We bought a house about 2 miles from them and for a while it was ok. What we didn't realize was that the little town we'd moved to was very unfriendly, seemed like a Peyton Place with drinking, drugs, affairs and so on just rampant. We didn't fit in or like it at all.

About a yr after we moved there, my daughter and her husband got a deal they couldn't refuse and moved away! So there were were in a place we didn't like, with no reason to be there and quite unhappy. I was too far from them to be helping with my grand daughter anymore and we were stuck in a place we did not fit in or like.

We did end up moving back "home" but our lives were quite negatively affected by having moved there. If we had known before what we knew after, we'd never have gone.

I hope you can avoid making a similar mistake.

HUGS

[Chandra Amaya]

You're all right! I really don't know where I'll end up living. I do like this place though. I'm going to try to attach some pix.

got an extra room?

[Janet]

The top picture was big enough to see and it's lovely. The mountains in the back so pretty. I couldn't enlarge the 3 bottom pictures.

[Mandy]

Aye Judy, i just read your posts, what a challenge huh - now listen gf, your are NOT a bad mother/grandmother, a LOT of other girls would give the world to have a mom like you.
I totally understand you, do yourself a favor, and follow your heart! make absoluty sure that this is what you want, be fair to yourself!

:ittykiss:

[Forgivenmom5]

The place looks beautiful Judy. Like everyone said just make sure you will be happy.

[DianaB]

The top picture was big enough to see and it's lovely. The mountains in the back so pretty. I couldn't enlarge the 3 bottom pictures.

The appartment looks lovely, but I couldn't tell much from the smaller pictures either. I agree with everyone else about taking your time. A heated pool would be wonderful though!!!

[Janet]

I just want you to be happy Judy!!

[teri88]

Don't feel like a bad mother. If you didn't love your daughter, then I'd say you were a bad mother, but you do love her. I think, and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think she needs to grow up. It is not normal for a mother to put her grown daughter first and be there every minute that she wants her to be. That just doesn't sound right to me. You need to take care of yourself. She is a big girl now and needs to work out her own problems. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

[Chandra Amaya]

Don't feel like a bad mother. If you didn't love your daughter, then I'd say you were a bad mother, but you do love her. I think, and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think she needs to grow up. It is not normal for a mother to put her grown daughter first and be there every minute that she wants her to be. That just doesn't sound right to me. You need to take care of yourself. She is a big girl now and needs to work out her own problems. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
:thumbup:

[judy]

Thank you all so much! Your support has really helped. Everything you've all said is absolutely true. She's being infantile, a spoiled brat, way too needy, self-serving and very disrespectful of my needs. But, what she does is hers. What I decide to do is my choice and I will base it on my own happiness as well as all the other things that go along with having a grown child and grandchildren, and the reality that she is sick.

S0...I'm off tomorrow to check out these condos. Jessie doesn't know anything about this. That way, if I don't like them, the4re's nothing to discuss with her.

After that, I'm going to Jessie's for as couple of days. My grandson is having his tonsils removed and has to stay in the hospital overnight. Both doting parents are staying with them and I get the girls all to myself!

I've been busy for the past couple of days and haven't been on much. Now, I'm going to miss you all for another 3 days!

I'll never catch up, but I love you all and "may your troubles be less and your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through the door."

[teri88]

Enjoy your girls!

[Janet]

Judy, you HAVE been gone way too much here lately. But, when you have thinks on your mind and trying to work through them, it's understandable. NOW you're going to be gone again! Have a great alone time with your granddaughters..how fun for you...AND them. I'll miss you.

[DianaB]

A special time with the granddaughters!! How fun!!! Maybe you girls could go pick up a little something for the one having his tonsils out. You need to get a laptop and just take it with you everywhere then in your spare moments you can chat with us!!! (Of course, you'd have to have the satellite connection thingy!) Have fun and we'll chat with you when you get back home!!!

[Chandra Amaya]

Have a great time with girls night, Judy. Maybe this will help to make your daughter realize that you do not have to be next door to spend time with her or the grandkids. I hope you and the girls have a wonderful time!

[Forgivenmom5]

Enjoy your trip Judy!:)