sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

[jrsygal37]

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!


I don't have an answer for you but do have a few possibilities as to why and some suggestions. I'm not sure how old your husband is or his health but I do know that some medications effect the sex drive as well as the ability. Is he on any blood pressure or diabetic meds? A lot will effect the ability to perform and a lot of men will not admit that they just can't so instead they will avoid it. If it's not that you can't ignore too that he may have an interest on the side. Some may not agree with that oppinion but from experience I know that when a man does not have an interest he is either getting it some where else (or) something is effecting his ability or want which in a lot of cases is medications and or alcohol too. I would have a heart to heart with him and try to get some answers. Don't let him blow you off - ask him straight out questions and make sure you get open honest answers. Elaine

[HALEY]

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

[jrsygal37]

He said it's cause we fight all the time....


If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

[DianaB]

Medicines do make a difference so you might want to check them first for any problems. I know that I've had medicine affect me like that and I changed meds.

I know that for me if we're not getting along I don't get in the "mood" either. I don't want to make love to someone that I'm upset with.

I think that Elaine gave some pretty good advice and I agree with her. A good counselor may be in order for you two.

[Janet]

Looks like Elaine and Diana have the answers here. Very good advice. If his answer is true..well, it would be hard to want to be with someone that you fight with all the time.

[DianaB]

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

[pope1982]

Sex goes through phases, sometimes can't keep hands off one another and sometimes can't get schedules to line up. It is one of the perks of the relationship, not the most important aspect. But a very good example of why you had better to be able to stand the person you will be looking at for the next 60+ years lol

Just try to reconnect, keep it fresh, and impulsive. Tell him to take out his frustrations in some great make up sex, or invest in a toy or two if that is the sort of thing for you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to do, or just take it upon yourself to take control and surprise the both of you with some different moves or positions. This will not only ignite the passion again, but empower you with your own sexuality and femininity. If you are confident, he will pick up on that and it will make you more irresistible.

Rejection is never easy, but neither is sex when you are not in the mood. It is something special you share with the one you love, so I can see why he would feel that way about "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak.
I think it is so nice that you guys respect each other enough to say no not right now, and leave it at that.

[HALEY]

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

[HALEY]

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

I would give him attention if he would help me with the baby after work and not sit on his butt and watch tv or drink beer.. that might help... He's just lazy and he's getting worse... Like back in Feb. we got new doors for the house, and one of them are still in the box, but if one of his friends call and need something he is out the door in a heartbeat and i don't think its fair, im busting my ass off to make our home look nice and he does nothing to try and help me... i use all MY extra money (bonuses) on the house,, and he don't appreciate it.. i should of left him in his crappy apartment with the lifestyle he had running to the bars everyday spending his paychecks....

[teri88]

awww, Haley I'm so sorry you are going through this. Was your husband like this before you had the baby, or is this a new behavior? Maybe he is overwhelmed by the thought of fatherhood. Some men also can't see their wives as a sexual partner after watching them give birth.

I know you say you don't have the time or interest in counseling, but I encourage you to rethink that. You married this man only 2 years ago....you must have loved him then. For the sake of your son, you need to work very, very hard to save your marriage. If you can't go for counseling right now, let me suggest an exercise that I learned from a parenting class I took years ago.

EVERY day you need to write down 3 things you admire or love about your husband. You don't have to share it with anyone, just write it down. Then, whenever you have a negative thought about him, you immediately replace it in your mind with a positive one. With the way you are feeling right now, it won't be easy in the begining. But you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature.

You can't change him, but you can change how YOU feel about what is going on. Marriages go in cycles, you are juggling a child, a home and a job. (and I know Michal has been sick lately too) Try to take some couples time. Hire a babysitter and get out of that house with him. If you can't afford a babysitter then find a friend willing to swap sitting time. You don't have to do anything expensive. Take a walk in a park. Go for an ice cream cone. Go sit inside the church you were married in. Just do it together and do it often......no kids allowed.

The library is full of books with suggestions on how to improve your relationship. Don't give up yet. It will be worth all of the effort I know it will!

[HALEY]

Thanks Terri, it started right after we got married and found out i was pregnant!
Then the family came into the picture and there just terrible pushy people that wanted to rule my life and family, and i put my foot down after a year of there abuse and them telling me how to raise my son.
Lately he's been helping with with things, but the last couple of months he's gone down hill again, it's a fight everytime i even ask him to take out the garbage or even cut the grass, i actually have to tell him to cut the grass, That sould not be my job... he could see the grass needs cut.. He use to wash my truck he don't even do that anymore, i'm stuck with everything, he invites his friends over and they sit outside all night and drink beer. It's overwhelming to me.. i have a job and house a baby and two dogs to take care of, plus i have to pick up after him.
He cooked himself dinner last night around 9 when we were sleeping and you should have seen the kitchen this morning, and i had to clean it up before work..
I didn't even eat dinner last night. its just not fair....

[teri88]

Sounds like he needs an intervention! It sucks to have "two children" I'm sure. Maybe you need to use some tough love. Leave his mess in the kitchen and let him clean it up when he gets home. Don't pick up after him. Let the garbage stay in the kitchen, just start a new bag. Maybe, just maybe he'll catch on. Sounds like he is looking at you as "mommy" and not just to Micah! I'm really sorry you are going through this. Some guys never do grow up unfortunately.

[teri88]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

[Tiramisu]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.


Teri, it's a really good soap box to be on. You're always so helpful and compassionate.

[HALEY]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...

[pope1982]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

:bravo: :thankyou: :goodpost:
I was just giving my younger sister similar advice on the same subject the other night, sounds as if you and your husband are just as stubborn as she and her fiance. She is very aggressive and in your face, to the point of being a nag and he runs away. But more importantly, they both HAVE to be right and point fingers in the other direction.

You all need to take a step back and own your roles in this war. Learn the delicate balance. Why would you want to live daily hurting the person you love most?

It's not worth it. Gotta pick your battles and learn to let some things slide.

I am sure he was always the same man from the day you fell in love with him, your annoyance with him is only emphasizing the less desirable traits. Knock it off lol You know who you married.

[HALEY]

Sounds like he needs an intervention! It sucks to have "two children" I'm sure. Maybe you need to use some tough love. Leave his mess in the kitchen and let him clean it up when he gets home. Don't pick up after him. Let the garbage stay in the kitchen, just start a new bag. Maybe, just maybe he'll catch on. Sounds like he is looking at you as "mommy" and not just to Micah! I'm really sorry you are going through this. Some guys never do grow up unfortunately.

Terri i wish i could do that but Micah or the dogs would get into it, and he knows i'm a neat freak... He use to live like a pig when he was single, only cleaned when mommy dearest was coming over for a visit...

[Gina]

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

[teri88]

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...

oh, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought you meant that he was in your bed all of the time. The girl I babysat for had the baby in their bed every single night. She didn't even own a crib! ok, back to my previous suggestion: Kick him in the butt!

[HALEY]

oh, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought you meant taht he was in your bed all of the time. The girl I babysat for had the baby in their bed every single night. She didn't even own a crib! ok, back to my previous suggestion: Kick him in the butt!

He has a crib and his own room right next to mine, oh but i do love to sleep with him, he can crash in my bed anytime, i use to sneak and get him when he was first born on Saturdays when Mike went to work and on the weekends for cat naps, or when he gets scared or not feeling good he's in bed with me, but everynight he goes to sleep in his bed, and sometimes he wakes up in my bed :D
But i don't mind, i only have one child and i'll miss these days one day!
Just like at night i can rock him for hours...

[HALEY]

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

We'll the last time i got a babysitter for us to go out and have a good time together he invited his friends, so i don't bother anymore with that it was a waste of money! they even called us when were eatting dinner, so i sat and ate my dinner while he talked on the phone, very romantic hun !

[Tiramisu]

Haley, here are some things I'd say to you - if you were my daughter. Do your friends ever come around? Does any of Mike's friends have S.O.s? Girl, you need to jump right in the middle of his friends and family. Get over the hurt you've been through in the past and start living towards a future together or apart. You knew he had the debts, family, and friends when you dated and married him. Marriage is only 50/50 because it takes two. Some days you do 90% and some days you do 10% - that's life. Suck it up or spit it out!

PS: I have a daughter who seems to have a rotten marriage. Problem is: I see her doing as much or more to spoil the marriage as the hubby does. She nags at him for not making enough money, spending too much money, to find another job, to take the trash out, to help her with the kids, etc. She feels that caring for the kids (neither of which he wanted) is all she really has to do. When she nags, he takes off to go do what he wants to - party and play poker. She admits that she "thought she could change him". All this while she had to drive a Lexus SUV, can't shop at Wal-Mart, and lost $40K on the big house that they couldn't afford.

I'm not sure what my point is except that it sounds like Mike's the man you loved enough to marry. You need to decide what YOU can do to make your marriage work.

Hugs,

[donna1990]

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

Sounds as if he is depressed, drinking beer and in the garage alone.
:eek:

[AngieDoogles]

Haley, I received an amazing letter from my Matron of Honor and her husband just before Brendon and I got married. There are so many wonderful pieces of advice...I'm just going to post the whole thing for you and you can take from it what you will. Keeping these things in mind has really helped our marriage grow and prosper. Of all the "wedding and marriage advice" I received, this is what I still hold close to my heart when I think of how I want my marriage to be.

Brendon and Angela,

We love you both and we pray that God will bless your marriage. We pray that you will both seek to better your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. As you draw closer to the Lord, He draws you closer together. It is easy to get your focus on what you want but keep your eyes on Him.

We are very blessed to have such a wonderful marriage and we want you two to be as content and happy as we are. Here are some of our secrets.

As state above and most imporantly, keep your eyes on Christ.

Love is an action not a reflex. Remember to love one another.

Brendon, you are to love Angela "as Christ loved the church." Christ gave His life for the church. The husband's responsibility is to put his wife first and then his family. You hold the spiritual responsibility and growth in your hands as the head of the home. Make sure you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ and He will give you wisdom and strength to carry your family.

Angela, you are to respect and reverence your husband. As a woman, you can really diminish your husband's self-esteem if you are not very careful. Lift Brendon up and make sure he knows that you are resting in his arms as the head of your home even when he may make a decision that you may not agree with. Give him the opportunity to lead you as the spiritual head of the home.

You have heard the saying "Marriage is 50-50," marriage is 100-100. Don't base what you put in the marriage by what your partner is putting in. You just automatically give 100%.

We want you to have a perfect marriage. You may be thinking "No marriage is perfect" and you are right, but your marriage can be perfect for you. Our marriage is perfect for us. Seek God's wisdom and His wisdom is perfect so you cannot go wrong. Here is some scripture that might be helpful: 1 Cor. 7:2-4, 10-14; Eph. 5:22-28, 33; Titus 2; Matt. 19:5-6; 1 Cor. 13.

May God forever bless your lives and be the center of the same.
All our love and prayer are with you.

[Emmsmom]

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed. Emmie slept with us till she was 3. There are other ways of staying close to your husband. A bed is just a bed and you still have the whole house to play and spend some alone time together after he goes to sleep. We use to pile blankets up in the living room and sleep in there. Yeah we were kicked out of our own bed but so what. I thought it was fun. I truly miss those times.
We lost power the other night and piled blankets up in the livingroom. With Emmie at camp this week we enjoyed it and it brought back some fun memories.

They grown up so fast. I am younger than some here but I am still very much old fashioned except when it comes to this. I had my family tell me that we would ruin our marriage. Yet we are going on our 14th Anniv. I don't think that alone will ruin a relationship. There are many other factors to consider.

TO be honest if I were in Haley's shoes and Micah was my son I wouldn't be doing anything differently. They are only little once and like Haley I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. I think maybe letting Micah stay with grandma for the weekend would give you a good chance to sit and talk. That way there wouldn't be any distraction.

Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Haley I hope you guys can work things out. ((HUGS))

[pope1982]

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed.
Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Not attacking you, just sharing my side of the argument....


http://www.sidscenter.org/SafeSleep/AroundtheClock.html#bed
Bed Sharing
The issue of sleeping with your baby is complicated. The evidence suggests that bed sharing with your baby can increase the risk of SIDS and suffocation. An alternative to bed sharing is to place the baby’s crib near your bed to allow for more convenient feeding and contact. Consider returning the baby to the crib after feeding.

IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking alcohol, or taking drugs/medicines that may make you sleepy, or are excessively tired, do not bring your baby into bed with you to sleep.

If you choose to share a bed with your baby, the following safety measures are recommended:

Protect your baby by using the back sleep position, avoiding soft surfaces or loose covers, and moving the bed or furniture away from the wall to prevent the baby from becoming trapped. Make sure your baby’s head remains uncovered during sleep.

Make sure the baby sleeps on a mattress that is firm. The baby’s face can get stuck in soft bedding and she might not be able to breathe.

If you choose to bed-share routinely you should consider removing the mattress and placing it on the floor in the middle of the room, thereby helping to prevent the baby from falling or becoming trapped.


It also gives me the willies to think of a child sharing our marital bed. Who knows what kind of yuck is around there... I certainly don't change my sheets every single day. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave my child unattended in that wide open space and enjoy myself on the floor in the other room.

Not unless there were protective rails, and the bed was pretty much stripped...
I watched an episode of HBOs Autopsy- Ask Dr. Baden where it was determined after going over all the evidence a woman was responsible for 3 of her infants accidental deaths without even being aware when it was happening.
She was such a heavy sleeper, she had either rolled, or hadn't heard the babies smothering in the blankets. She was devastated and he explained to her, it is one of the most common factors in infant death.

Even more so years ago, before the crib was invented.

[Emmsmom]

Well I won't argue with you on this point. Not sure if you have children but before I had a baby I thought the very same thing as far as the dangers. As far as the "Yuck" in the bed. Well to be honest that is just plain nasty and I can assure you that "Yuck" was never in my bed. When you have a baby you ahve to make sure everything in the house is clean. I only posted to let Haley know from one Mom to another that she was not alone in her beliefs. As far as enjoying myself on the floor and leaving her unattended.... Not sure what you are trying to imply and I really don't care. My child grew up very healthy and very independent. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have changed a thing.

If you look at this link you will see that many other doctors will disagree with you.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna's research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates

[pope1982]

I wasn't trying to offend you, though it looks as though it's a little too late.
I am sorry if I chose the wrong wording. I wasn't implying anything, other than I am a worrier and I would have a hard time relaxing a room or two away knowing the drop from the bed to the floor. Just my take on parenting is all.

Doctors have been known to give bad advice. I have heard it is good for bonding, heart beats etc...There is a time for bonding, but what the hell bonding are you doing in your sleep? I would rather wrap my arms around the man I love with our baby bed side than be up all night worrying if the baby is alright, where is the baby, don't wake the baby etc. Plus I wouldn't want to develop any habits. I have seen enough of my siblings mistakes in parenting through observing to know that the parents create some of the problems for the kids because they have problems letting go and assuming the role of disciplinarian rather than friend.
And your relationship with your husband is supposed to be kept healthy as an example to your children. Boundaries need to be set.

And as far as yuck in the bed being nasty, that "yuck" is what made your child.
I just don't want to chance my kid, or anyone else climbing in our bed. And have you ever seen them use black lights in motel rooms? Human waste is EVERYWHERE.

I appreciate the lesson on parenting, and no I don't have my own kids as of today, but I am also not clueless as to how cleanly the house needs to be. I have 7 nieces and nephews in my care since I was about 13 years old.

Sorry, I still don't think the marital bed is any place for a child.
Like you said, we can't all agree but thanks for the condescending tone though it didn't sway my opinion in the least... I was starting to forget what it felt like to be unwelcome here because of voicing an opinion same as everyone else is allowed to do.

Cripe.

[jrsygal37]

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine

[Emmsmom]

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

[HALEY]

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine

Elaine, i do believe you are right on this one, we both are unhappy. The only thing keeping us together right now is Micah.. Just like this weekend My family and i are planning on going to Kennywood for the day, i asked him if he was going and he said well see, even my mother asked whats wrong with him, she asked if we did anything together at all and sadly i said No...

[HALEY]

As for me sleeping with Micah, i knew from day one the risks of sleeping with an infant, but i couldn't help it, the closeness you feel, just watching him sleep, i loved it and if i had another kid I would have done the same thing, as i said before he don't sleep with me everynight, just when he wakes up in the middle of the night i put him in bed with me for comfort cause that's what he is use to.
Heck the doctors even told me not to put him on his stomach when putting him to bed, but i did and he survived. He slept longer that way.
I bet all you ladies are wonderful parents we just do what our motherly insticts tell us to do, and i am comfortable sleeping with my child i also love to rock him for hours just looking at him, while some of my friends just stuff a bottle in there kids crib to shut them up when they wake up in the middle of the night, or put a baby to bed crying, I can't do that! I love the closeness that i have with my son and he knows that to, when he's not feeling good or falls and gets a bump the first words out of his mouth are Ma-Ma, and that my friends makes me feel good. My mother raised us 3 kids the same way, sometimes all three of us were in bed with her, but we all still have that closeness with our mother today. My mother never let us cry, and if we got up in the middle of the night, you bet she was there to comfort us. I give my mom alot of credit raising three kids by herself cause my dad was no help he worked two jobs and was never home with us. Plus my mom had a parttime job when we attended school.
As for the Yuk, i don't have to worry about that one, plus i wash my bedsheets twice a week cause i also sleep with two dogs, i have a community bed!

[AngieDoogles]

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

I don't think it was/is wrong to post information that could be helpful to the OP in her current situation. That's what this board is all about, right?

Parenting is a subject that no two people are ever going to agree on every aspect, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to post your thoughts and opinions and back it up.

[teri88]

Haley, you sound like such a wonderful mom! Micah is very, very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, it just sucks! One thing is for sure, if Mike isn't interested in making the marriage work, then nothing you do will save it. It does take two. I feel sorry for him, he is really missing out. I guess you need to sit down and really find out where he is mentally and what he wants to do going forward. I hope you can save the relationship, but I know you will do what is right for you and for Micah, whatever that turns out to be. {{{hugs}}}

[HALEY]

Haley, you sound like such a wonderful mom! Micah is very, very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, it just sucks! One thing is for sure, if Mike isn't interested in making the marriage work, then nothing you do will save it. It does take two. I feel sorry for him, he is really missing out. I guess you need to sit down and really find out where he is mentally and what he wants to do going forward. I hope you can save the relationship, but I know you will do what is right for you and for Micah, whatever that turns out to be. {{{hugs}}}

Thanks Terri, i try to be a good mom, Micah is the world to me! He's what is keeping me going today.
As for Mike were going to have a couple of days off, i'll try and talk with him again when i calm down some, really don't feel like talking to him right now. What everyone said here is so true, marriage does and will have its ups and downs, like a yo-yo.. Were just going thru the downs right now, and i know having a child stuck in the middle of this is very stressfull, but one thing for sure we do not argue in front of him, that is my #1 rule in the house and Mike knows it. Cause i did call the cops before and have Mike removed from the house, will NOT put up with that. I have to stop nagging him to, i do everything around the house and it looks like its going to be that way until he wakes up or moves out.
I'm going to make a list this weekend of his responsiblities and mine and hang it on the fridge, that way that should stop some nagging, his list is very small compared to mine. His is
make sure the dogs have food/water before you leave for work ( i do this 1/2 the time)
Take out the garbage ( i do this 1/2 the time too)
cut the grass..
clean up after yourself!
Help with Micah when needed!
This is all i'm asking of him....
You would think this would be an easy list but i even do these things.
You don't even want to see my list... But i hope this helps some.
I'm just going to relax these couple days off, spend the time with my son, hopefully take him to Kennywood if it don't rain.. and go to the pool.
And when i do calm down, i'll have a talk with Mike and see what he wants to do.
and where our relationship stands.

[Tink]

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

[HALEY]

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

Tink you word things so well !

[Tiramisu]

My husband would flip out if I "made him a list". I made lists for my children, not my husband. Our trash gets carried out by whoever gets to it first. Our bed gets made by whoever gets ready for work first. Our dogs get carried out by whoever gets to the door first. I mow the yard if he's feeling bad or working late. He mops the floor if I'm feeling bad or sidetracked. We pickup after each other and our children and their children and our parents and our friends. We talk and make lists TOGETHER for extra (out of the norm) things that need to be done. WE DON'T KEEP SCORE!

PS: WE raised four children, while working outside the home! Only our first baby slept with us (for almost four years) until the second one was born.

[HALEY]

My husband would flip out if I "made him a list". I made lists for my children, not my husband. Our trash gets carried out by whoever gets to it first. Our bed gets made by whoever gets ready for work first. Our dogs get carried out by whoever gets to the door first. I mow the yard if he's feeling bad or working late. He mops the floor if I'm feeling bad or sidetracked. We pickup after each other and our children and their children and our parents and our friends. We talk and make lists TOGETHER for extra (out of the norm) things that need to be done. WE DON'T KEEP SCORE!

PS: WE raised four children, while working outside the home! Only our first baby slept with us (for almost four years) until the second one was born.

Well Sandy i guess your one of the lucky ones you have a good husband that helps you, i don't. he does nothing at home.. i do it all....

[AngieDoogles]

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

Wonderful post Tink. I agree with every word. I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us!

[jrsygal37]

[B]I agree 100 percent with Tink. The only thing I have to say is that your son should not be the reason you stay in your marriage. It's the reason you should make damn sure that the marriage is over before ending it but certainly not the reason to exist in a relationship. Believe me when I say that as your child gets older he will realize that things are not right in his house. By the time he is a young teen he'll know exactly what is going on and resentment for one or the other or both will form. Divorce is hard on a child but it's far harder for them to live with parents that do not get along. Elaine

[Emmsmom]

I agree with Elaine on this one too. I only say this because I know of a family that stayed together for the children. It really did a number on them later. I really hope that you all can work things out. ((HUGS))

[Janet]

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

[jrsygal37]

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

[Emmsmom]

I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine



I am sorry but that is just too funny! :yelrotflmao: I will have to remember that one!:D

[Dobie]

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

[HALEY]

I agree with Elaine on this one too. I only say this because I know of a family that stayed together for the children. It really did a number on them later. I really hope that you all can work things out. ((HUGS))

Michelle, i was raise in a house where my parents were very unhappy and it does effect you when you are older, and i refuse to do that to my child...

[HALEY]

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet i know what you mean about the house looking nice i was 6 months pregnant and painting my kitchen! I had friends over to help, then after the baby was born a good friend of mine came over to help me, then that's when Mike decided to get off his butt and help! He probably didn't want to look bad infront of another person in the house!

[HALEY]

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

Yes it does suck,,, I had a doctors apt yesterday, then one of my girlfriends called, so i called home a told Mike i was going to stop and have a couple beers with my girlfriend, it was so nice to get out for a couple of hours.
Then i get home, there are dishes everywhere, Mike is sleeping in the chair, Micah got a hold of the baby powder and look out it was everywhere!!! and i do mean everywhere, even the dogs were white, I woke up Mike and told him i was going to bed!!!!
Well who do you think got stuck with all the mess this morning!!! I had to get ready for work, get Micah ready, and try and clean the best i could before i left. it looks like i'll be bringing the rug shampoo out and cleaning the rugs tonight...
oh what fun....

[Janet]

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine


Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

[HALEY]

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

Janet your post wasn't cold, your 100% right, i'm not happy and i need to make a choice and one very soon, your like me i do wash his clothes then i throw them in a pile downstairs and that's where they sit, i use to clean out his drawers all the time and they would get messed up the next day, and i would get so upset. now i just don't care.. if he wants to live like a pig then, let him i moved all his stuff downstairs in the basement because he was a pig. and there's clothes everywhere. and i don't care...

[Marilyn]

I've been silent in this thread so far. Lots of people have given you lots of advice. If you sit back and just look at the situation. What I see is two people who knew going into the marriage that there were some fundamental differences in personalities and expectations, but something brought you together. You decided for some reason to get married. Why? What brought you together? What made you think that he is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You need to stop and think on this. You say he's a pig and was when you married him. There must have been something attractive about this pig.

Newlyweds need time together. Time to get to know one another and establish a relationship. You need time to talk about everything, the past, the present, the future. You have to learn his quirks and he needs to get to know yours. When you throw into the mix a child right away, two dogs, two jobs and a house you are trying to maintain and remodel. It's no wonder you don't know each other and have not established your strong marriage relationship. You went for it all way too quickly. Newlyweds need to live in an apartment for a while with no grass to mow, and no pets so they can focus on each other.

Whether you decide to try to make it work or to dump him, you need to look at your lives. In order to have the time to build your futures whether that is together or apart, you need to simplify. In my opinion, you need to live with the house the way it is for a while, forget the remodel for now, or sell it and buy something or rent something that does not require so much energy. You may consider giving the dogs to caring family or friends so you have more time. If your dogs are yorkies, I know they take a lot of your time. Get back to the basics, you, your husband and Micah. Also, don't stress so much about everything being spotless. There is a certain level of sanitation we should all maintain, but if the dishes don't get done because you are spending time with your husband and child, so what. The dishes won't be hurt, just put a little clorox in the dishwater when you do get to them.

The most important priorities in your life right now are your husband and your child. God should be first, of course, but you have so much going on right now, you need to start with prayer and consider some of what I've said here.

These are just my thoughts and opinions, but if you step back and take a look at the big picture, this is what I see from my vantage point. After 35 years of marriage and 54 years of living, I've learned that we need to focus our time on the most important things in life, and relationships are way up on the list. Houses come and go, and so do things. Pets while we enjoy them a lot, should not be our focus when you have so much else going on. They live a few years and then they are gone. The older you get, the less important some of the details become.

I'm still stressed out over little things myself, so the pot is sitting here calling the kettle black a bit, but my dishes aren't clean right now, and it's okay because hubby and I are busy living and we have a daughter we want to spend some time with this weekend. He and she are what is important to me, not that pot I used to cook spagetti, or the unfolded laundry in the laundry room.

[HALEY]

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

[teri88]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

[HALEY]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

I do try Teri, but it seems like i'm the only one trying! it just gets so frustrating i just want to scream or pull all my hair out...

[Marilyn]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[Tink]

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

[jrsygal37]

I'm very closed mouth about my life and relationships but some how I guess when you are on a computer you feel almost anonymous. Maybe, this will help you Haley. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm roundin 40. Ouch that hurt. LOL. I married young 18 yrs. old. My husband is older then me and we have two beautiful boys who are now teen and pre-teen at 12 and 14. Time goes fast. Faster then you ever realize. And, one day you wake up and think back about what you should have done and how much you lost.

My husband was married before and well as I said I was young and obviously he was my first. He had his kids I wanted kids he didn't. I was young in love and really dumb. The first ten years I was married was bad. I tried hard to be what he wanted. Kept myself in shape, dressed as he liked, kept the house as he liked, never went out and just built my life around him and for him. He on the other hand liked having a young stupid "trophy" wife so he could have his cake and eat it too. He had night clubs and he had girlfriends. I made a big mistake. Instead of leaving him, I brought two little boys into the picture hoping it would make everything right. It didn't. He was still always at the clubs and he still had his girlfriends. You can't change who they are. If they are lazy they will be lazy all through your marriage. If they cheat they will always cheat all through your marriage until it stops working (LOL).

One day I woke up and realized the big mistakes I made. The first staying with him and the second bringing two innocent boys into a bad marriage and the third staying in the marriage because of the boys. And, it's funny one day he just became the husband I would have loved to have had yet, but it was too late. I changed and I moved on. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him years ago and even after he became the man I always wanted I found that I could not go back. It took a long time but I do love him but not as a wife should love her husband.

I'm different. I'm not the little girl I was and I realized that there was more to life then what I had with him. I live my own life. We live together but separate if you know what I mean and this is what I meant when I say that your son as he gets older will realize what is going on. My oldest does and it hurts me. I'm thankful that he never knew how his dad used to be, but sad at the same time because I'm the bad guy.

So, this is what I was trying to say when I said that you need to make sure that your marriage is over and if it is to end it completely because staying in a marriage for you son is not the way to go. In the long run it comes back and bites everyone on the butt. Elaine

[Taurus Babe]

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

OMG! Soo freaking sweet!

[AngieDoogles]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

Diana, I think those two quotes really sum up what it takes to have a good marriage. I try so hard to be supportive to my husband, and when I put forth that little extra effort, I can see almost immediately that it comes back to me ten times as strong. When he feels loved and uplifted, it's much easier for him to think to do nice things like empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry or write me a sweet note or plan a surprise. He always finds the sweetest way to thank me when I encourage him and the smile on his face, the light in his eyes when I make him feel loved is priceless!

Haley, my suggestion to you (on top of the many wonderful suggestions you've already received) is to find a new way to show him that you love him. Let him see your effort and let him know that you are doing it because you want HIM to feel loved and special. When he sees your effort and love for him, it might just make him want to try harder to make your marriage work. I think there's an old song that says "love isn't love until you give it away." How true is that!

[judy]

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

[Janet]

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.


I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL

[judy]

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL


:friendship::heart:

[HALEY]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

[Marilyn]

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

Wow, Haley. Sounds like you are a very ambitious and driven young lady to take on a house like this on your own. Also sounds like he came into this with his eyes wide open. I would have never guessed that he had a suspended license and DUI's. You said previously that he is getting a company truck this summer. I drive a company truck, but if I have more than two moving violations in 7 years, I am repremanded and in danger of losing the truck. My company does full background checks and a DUI will prevent you from driving a vehicle for a minimum of 7 years, so there would be no way anyone with a suspended license and two DUI's would ever get a company truck until at least 2015, and that would be after they had stayed clean that long.

Haley, if I spoke inappropriately, please accept my most sincere apologies. With the information available, I drew some inappropriate conclusions.

Not sure what I'd do in your position. You are in a really tough spot. My very best wishes and prayers are with you. :justahug:

[HALEY]

Don't worry about it marylin, i knew what i was getting into, the promises that he would stop drinking, etc. he did stop drinking for 6 months after the baby was born and he is working so much now that he don't have the time to drink and can't drink and drive with and interlock in my car.
As for the company truck his boss is no angell when it comes to Dui's he has 3 of them,,, so Mike will get the truck when he gets his lisc. back he needs to bring it to the office so they can make a copy of it.. his boss knows Mikes driving record.
I also have a company truck and i would be fired if i had a dui under my belt i guess guys are different i also see that in my company! they just get a slap on the hand...
My mother also had a bad marriage and told us girls to never depend on a man! if we want something to go get it ourselves, i use to work everyday, weekends bartending for the downpayment on my house and i was so proud of myself the day i closed on my house, that was the second best day of my life, my first of coarse was the birth of my son!
I am hard on Mike but for many good reason, there is a good hard working man and father in him. He just needs to grow up before he looses everything including his son... I just didn't want you guys to think i was a nag or a bitch there are reasons for my madness...
Mike was a spoiled child, he had everything handed to him or when he got into trouble his aunt was always there to bail him out. Well those days are over! If he gets into trouble now, he knows he'll loose everything. I'm just sick of being a babysitter when we go out, he's not a social drinking, he likes to drink until he's drunk and you can't get on a motorcycle in that condition, somedays i just don't know how the hell he made it home sometimes alive...

[judy]

Haley,

When my SIL was drinking, I went to Alanon. I ended up going for 2 years, and I learned so much, and met the most wonderful people.

Some of them left the person who was drinking, and some didn't. The point of Alanon is not whether you stay or leave the alcoholic. It's really how you live your own life, and how to make good choices.

I really recommend it.

[jrsygal37]

Haley. Just so you know the alcohol can be a factor in why he is not interested in having sex. When I answered your post I stated another women but I did not have all the facts then. If he has an alcohol problem I would bet this is why he is acting as he is. If you truly love him and you believe he's a good man with a problem then I would force his hand to get help. If he refuses help then leave him. Sometimes and alcholic has to hit rock bottom and lose it all before he realizes he has a problem. I wish you both the best. Elaine

[goofywife]

Hmm to post or not to post in this thread.

Hold on to your coffee cup. I have been married 3 times. So, maybe I am not the best person to offer advice.

The first one hit me. The third time he did it, I put him in the hospital and got a divorce.

The second one, cheated on me (with his first wife) and caught VD. I prayed and cried. It was not something I could live with. I was afraid that I would catch Aids from him.

The third one is a charm. He is a very dear man. Yep he can be a butt head sometimes, but we think alike. We have now been married for 14 years. We have a deal, he takes care of the outside and all of the home repairs, I clean the house and cook. Sometimes if I am working overtime, he jumps in and helps me. If he is working on a big repair, I jump in and help him. Its a partnership and I consider him to be my best friend. I love him unconditionally. We both feel complete when we are together.

The hardest part of our marriage was my daughter. She did not adjust to the divorces nor new marriage very well, and really rebelled as a teenager. She was fine until 14. Then all hell broke loose.

Its amazing we all managed to come through it and have a great relationship with each other. I truely feel it was God's doing. We gave her to him, and said we have done what we can. She came around (of course it took a few years). She has told us, I don't know why I did the things I did. She also counsels other girls to listen to their parents. (I know amazing)

Either way, stay together in a horrible marriage or divorce. Its hard on the kids. But you have to know that someday, Micah will leave and go out on his own. Where will you be? Where will you have spent your time? will you be happy with the decisions you made? Who will be there for you?

Anyhow this is about you and what you are going to do.

You have been given all kinds of advice. Bottom line. You have to decide what is best for you! What behavior in a husband is acceptable to you. Who you think you can grow old with. You don't want to wait until you are old to decide you made a mistake and wasted your life.

Thanks thats all the advice I will give.

Michelle

[Janet]

That was good advice Michelle, really sweet.

[judy]

Great advice Michelle, and I'm so happy for you that your daughter turned it around.

I'm looking for a new love after my 2nd divorce - so third time is a charm?

Good for you.

[HALEY]

Its a very hard dicision that i have to make, no matter what i decide it's going to effect Micah either way, that's the hardest part, if it was just me, i would have already been out of this marriage, i'm sick of spending my hard earned money on making the house look nice while he sits on his ass, he is a hard worker but that's about it, when he comes home he wants to sit out in the garage all night, that's not going to fly with me! Just yesterday i snapped on him, i took the baby over my mothers for 2 hours and all i asked him to do is run the sweaper and fold a load of clothes to help me out! And he did nothing but run over the neighbors house and drink beer! I had it... i'm not his mother or his maid... Im just sick of carrying him if you know what i mean.... He still says he's getting an apartment when he gets his drivers lisc. back, i told him don't let the door hit you in the ass!
Right now i really don't care if he leaves.. I have my son to worry about and he will be taken care of! I already talked to my mom this weekend, and she told me to do what i feel is right. and she will help me out if i need her too.. But i rather get another job than to depend on my mother i'm stronger than that! Whatever i decide i'll do it on my own, that's something i like about me, i'm not affraid to be alone.. What the hell i feel alone in this marriage now! I always survived before with God's help and i know i can do it again.

[judy]

Haley,

You do not have to decide right now if you're not ready. One day at a time, until you're absolutely sure about what you feel is the right thing to do.

Only you can make that decision, so listen to your own heart. There really is no right or wrong decision. Mike is not abusing you or Micah. If that were so, I would say to run.

Not to change your feelings or persuade you, but my SIL went from being a rather nasty alcoholic to a sober, wonderful husband and father. That doesn't mean that Mike will do the same. It also doesn't mean that my SIL will always be able to stay sober. All it really means is that my daughter's heart told her to stay. I don't know
what went into that decision. It was hers to make, and I respect her for it.

Whatever you do, we're all here to support you.

[Ponyup]

Do you still love your husband? Does he love you? It really sounds like he doesn't love you, but i'm not there. If you love someone & they ask you to do or not do something you'll do it because you love them. Or have a very good reason why you can't. It sounds to me like your hubby doesn't want to grow up & be responsible. He's running away from you & his life because it's too much for his immature mind to handle. You can't force men to grow up; I've tried so many times in my life. I guess sit him down & tell him that if he's willing to work with you; you are willing to make compromises so you both get what you need. However, the way it sounds is he's already thrown in the towell. He no longer cares for you or his child & wants to go back to his care free ways. However, the situation dictates that he needs to mooch off of you until he gets his ducks in a row. I wouldn't let him; he either needs to be a part of the marriage & help you out or get out. There's no reason to continue to beat yourself up & try to make things work when it seems he's already made up his mind that it's over (the fact that he says he's moving out once he gets his license back, makes me think he's done). Marriage takes work from both sides not just one.

[HALEY]

Do you still love your husband? Does he love you? It really sounds like he doesn't love you, but i'm not there. If you love someone & they ask you to do or not do something you'll do it because you love them. Or have a very good reason why you can't. It sounds to me like your hubby doesn't want to grow up & be responsible. He's running away from you & his life because it's too much for his immature mind to handle. You can't force men to grow up; I've tried so many times in my life. I guess sit him down & tell him that if he's willing to work with you; you are willing to make compromises so you both get what you need. However, the way it sounds is he's already thrown in the towell. He no longer cares for you or his child & wants to go back to his care free ways. However, the situation dictates that he needs to mooch off of you until he gets his ducks in a row. I wouldn't let him; he either needs to be a part of the marriage & help you out or get out. There's no reason to continue to beat yourself up & try to make things work when it seems he's already made up his mind that it's over (the fact that he says he's moving out once he gets his license back, makes me think he's done). Marriage takes work from both sides not just one.
I think your right, i paid all his DUI fines (4,000), borrowed money off my mother for his back taxes from heartship loans (6,000), and him crashing the company vechicle (they didn't know he lost his lisc. at the time- thank God the lady he hit didn't call the police - long story! ) 3,000.. All of this was my money and my family's. I am now trying to build my savings back up so we would have extra money incase something comes up.. But he does need to grow up.
One thing i know he does loves his son. At least he admits to that. I don't think he loves me anymore and i'll deal with that for the time being, i have broad shoulders i can take it... But I'm not living like this for too much longer! We'll see what happens when he gets his lisc. back.( Aug. 8th) I already told him i'm not stopping him from leaving but once he leaves he's NOT coming back, i don't believe in second chances..