abusive relationship help

[bettyboop]

hey im a new member.. im a member on YT too but i kinda wanna remain anonymous because hardly anyone knows about this cept for my 2 good friends.. plus i am a bit ashamed but i really need some help and your opinions! i will really try to sum this up as best as i can because i know it might get kind of long.. sorry

ok so i have been in a relationship with my bf for 4.5 years (im 23) and he was my first love.. we basically rushed into it and it was kind of like a love/hate relationship.. he wasnt emotionally abusive but he was very psychologically abusive at first (extreme jealousy, stopped me from seeing my friends, made me cry a lot).. 2 years later he changed a lot for me.. he isnt as jealous as he was before because he really trusts me now and i know he loves me.. but a year ago one day in the car things got really heated.. basically to make a very long story short he broke a very very important promise to me after promising he would never break it in his one hour speech the day before.. i was so hurt i slapped him and first time ever he slapped/hit me back hard.. i was shocked... a few months later, similiar incident happened and i forgave him.. later on we broke up because he found a new crowd of "bad" friends and he treated me extremely bad so yeah.. plus i lost so many friends by then because of him and i just wanted my "life" back.

then a few months later we got back together after being apart for 5-6 months after coincidently seeing each other again.. in those few months i dated other guys just to see what they were like and although they definitely treated me with respect and were nicer, i never stopped thinking about my ex.. and when we got back he really was changed.. he treated me really good and everything was good for the past 6 months..

just a couple days ago we went to his place to watch a movie.. we always bicker but this time he went off on me... it was like really scary.. like the old him came out again i went outside to cool off and he kept screaming at me to come back in.. i ignored him and later he said if i didnt come in he'd call my mom!?!? (wtf!!.. btw my parents both dislike him) he tried to call them to tell them to pick me up maybe to piss me off (hes never done this before.. dont know WHAT HE WAS THINKING) and i grabbed the phone from him and got mad and pushed him telling him to STOP and i dont remember much because it all went by so fast but i think he pushed me really hard back and i fell on my knees and then BOOM he kicked me right on the back and i land on my face... instead of saying sorry he grabs me to get up and get out :confused::confused::confused: i know what you guys are thinking he sounds HORRIBLE but i swear (im not in denial) HES NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS SCARY!!! i got so scared of him i ran to the bathroom and locked it and told him to get away from me otherwise im gonna call the police.. he said do it.. i didnt want to so i called his bro and later on he left and his bro came back and drove me home...

i cried so much because that so wasnt him!!! dont know/understand how he could do that when i gave him everything!!! today he came to drop off some of my things and hes been apologizing so much last couple days... and he kept asking if there is any chance at all if we could get back i jokingly said "yeah if u take anger management classes" and he agreed but then i said basically said nvm and to just leave and he left disappointed..

my question is.. do you think he would change if he did take those classes? i really do love him so much and before you judge i just wanted to say i am not one of those typical girls that you read about or see in the movies.. i am NOT insecure, i do have friends, and i am not in denial thinking he loves me when he doesnt because he really does..BUT i come from.. what people call a "very broken family" to say the least.. and hardly anyone understood it except for him.. he knows EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING about my life and family and hes been there through all of it.. none of my friends have done that (they kinda just gave up half way because my family problems are too much to handle i think but i dont blame them) i mean they still are my friends but i mean i just dont talk about it with.. them anymore because i think its too much for them... and hes even been there for me when i was under depression for a couple months ( a LOT of bad family issues) anyway so yeah..

what do you think i should do? i honestly cant even think about starting over.. (when we broke up for 5-6 months it did NOT get easier by any means.. i thought about him every minute even when i was out) and i really dont want to go under depression again.. i dont think i am strong enough to handle it on my own :( i mean i know deep down that leaving him for good is the right thing to do... find someone who respects me enough never to lay a hand on me but i love him so much, more than i love my family (except for my yorkie). do you think the anger management class is enough? or just move on? i dont know what to do.. thanks for anyone who replies.. i know i wrote a lot and thank you to anyone who read through it..

[Gina]

I read it quickly, but I will put my .02 cents in , your 23 and single..


RUN LIKE HELL!!! sorry you don't need this drama in your life, no excuse you will find love and someone who will treat you with respect that you deserve.... No man should EVER put a hand on you...

[Tink]

I've worked in a rehab house with alcoholics and addicts so have sat in on a lot of therapy sessions for situations like yours. It sounds from what you've said
i was so hurt i slapped him and first time ever he slapped/hit me back hard... i grabbed the phone from him and got mad and pushed him

You need anger management as badly as he does. If you're going to slap and push people, you have to expect to get the same back. It sounds as though you're baiting him... you set the tone and he retaliates. Quite honestly, if you were to try to press charges against him, the fact that you pushed or hit first would likely mean it would be you that got carted away and locked up.

It sounds like a sick relationship from both sides, and if it's escalating now, it's unlikely to get better without a lot of help.

Sorry, I don't imagine that's what you want to hear, but based on what little you've told us, it is the impression I got.

[Dobie]

I think you already know this - but you are obviously in an unhealthy relationship. Tink is right, it's never ok for EITHER person to lay their hands on the other one in anger.

[bettyboop]

I've worked in a rehab house with alcoholics and addicts so have sat in on a lot of therapy sessions for situations like yours. It sounds from what you've said


You need anger management as badly as he does. If you're going to slap and push people, you have to expect to get the same back. It sounds as though you're baiting him... you set the tone and he retaliates. Quite honestly, if you were to try to press charges against him, the fact that you pushed or hit first would likely mean it would be you that got carted away and locked up.

It sounds like a sick relationship from both sides, and if it's escalating now, it's unlikely to get better without a lot of help.

Sorry, I don't imagine that's what you want to hear, but based on what little you've told us, it is the impression I got.


okay i feel like i need to defend myself a little bit.. i do believe it is wrong to slap someone but until someone has been in that position i was in where they hurt you soooo bad.. it was as bad as cheating but it wasnt it.. of course you are going to react.. when you feel that ultimate betrayal.. are you saying all the cheating husbands who get caught by their wives that get slapped, all the wives needs anger management? and as for the pushing.. i was trying to get the phone back.. it wasnt like a shove.. it was a push like "hey give me it back" as he is way taller and there is no way to get it back without somehow touching him. i am definitely not abusive but thanks for commenting back i can see how you thought i was.

[Tink]

I'm sorry Betty, I don't mean to make you feel I'm attacking you.
I don't often dwell on this because it's SO in the past... but if it might help you, let me tell you my experience.

I was married at age 18 to a man who was 21. We had a premature baby 6 months later. Before she was even born he began cheating on me. While I was pregnant he threw me around like a ragdoll and told me I was too ugly to be seen in public with, etc. He would go out on dates and come back home to tell me who he'd been with, where they'd gone, whether she put out and how I ranked in bed compared to her. So I really don't think anyone can claim to feel much more betrayed, abused and hurt than I was during that time.

I lived like that for 7 LONG years. I felt like I'd made my choice and was stuck with it.
The day I finally threw him out was the day he turned his anger and abuse on our daughter. He picked her up by her ankle, dangled her in the air with one hand and spanked her while yelling wildy. If ever I've wanted to kill someone, that was the time.

Abuse escalates. First you're being verbally abused, then slapped, then slugged and kicked. It doesn't get better or go away on it's own and it's one heck of a poor environment to raise children in. It really doesn't change anything that you were angry or hurt or that he's bigger or stronger and should be able to protect himself. When you love someone you simply don't treat them that way.

I've been with my current husband for 26 yrs and believe me there have been times we've both been very angry with each other. But neither of us has ever hit or pushed the other. It's simply not acceptable behavior and it's a springboard to much worse. It's as bad for you to be hitting him as it is for him to hit you. The bruises heal... the metal pain is much harder to see and heal.

ANYONE who cannot deal with their anger without turning physically or verbally abusive needs to find help for it. Gender and circumstances really aren't the issue. Lack of self control is.

[bettyboop]

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

[Gina]

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

[Gina]

BTW Welcome to 4wt.

[Tink]

We can change ANY behavior we truly want to change. We might have learned to be one way.... but we can choose to relearn a better way if we just decide to do so. ALL of us have issues that we have to work on at different times. You're not alone by any means.

Coming out of the kind of marriage I had the first time around, the odds were against my having a truly good one the next time. As you can imagine, it took me a long time to learn to trust again and to have any self esteem. The man I've been with for 26 yrs is a semi driver, so is only home one - two days a week and I seriously do not worry about what he's doing while he's gone. It was my ex that cheated right under my nose and bragged about it... I know this man is faithful and decent and I can't hold him responsible for what the other idiot did. I doubt I've gotten any better looking with age, but Greg totally accepts me as I am and I no longer hear that "you're not good enough; you're too ugly" echoing in my brain. It doesn't happen overnight but it can happen.

But it took effort to come to this point.

[bettyboop]

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

IMO i think the wives just didnt care about their husbands then.. im not saying hitting someone means u care but when you invest everything you have into someone and having them betray you in the worst way possible, im sorry but all of my friends said he deserved a slap and asked if i did. im sure if i told you what exactly happened (not going to go into it) you might understand. i think this is just a controversial topic just like spanking kids.. some think its wrong, others think its necessary. and just for the record i never slapped anyone before.

[pope1982]

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

[pope1982]

Lastly, if you guys are getting on each others nerves to that point, go for a walk or a drive. Don't stand there in each others faces having a pissing contest because I have seen people say and do some pretty stupid things when they are infuriated. :rolleyes:

[bettyboop]

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.


thank you so much for your advice.. this was what i really needed to hear. of course i didnt think everything would be peachy and perfect when we got back but i can say it was good for the past 6 months. and of course he is not a complete monster.. he has certain qualities i have never found in another guy but then again his bad qualities, i havent found in others either. Yeah i have met his parents, they were all pretty "normal", his mom actually found out what he did and she apparently yelled the crap out of him never to lay a hand on any woman. There is no big age difference, he is one year older than me and we have been together for 4.5 years, and yes we have had in depth conversations about his anger and stuff.. he seems to calm down for a while but he will always have a temper.. that is who he is. Your comment: "If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb." exactly.. my thought completely except i was very much in shock.. i dont know what kind of kick it was.. it was with the bottom of his foot right on my back. he apologized saying he did not mean to, that he was just trying to get me to back off, but i dont know. and i know about the mental abuse.. it has stopped.. it was just the beginning with his jealousy.

my question this whole time was if it is worth it for him to go through anger management?

[Janet]

Hi and welcome to 4WT. You're going to find the greatest of all women here who honestly do their best to try and help when asked.

Now..my advice.... First: read and re-read Tinks advice. Next..don't..please don't bring any children into this relationship until it is 100% turned around. Kids have a hard enough time and then to see their parents fighting, physically and verbally. Like Dr. Phil says...it totally changes who they are.

Personally...I'd put on my running shoes.

I do wish you the very best in whatever you decide, but please don't think you couldn't make it alone or with someone else...your inner strength will surprise you.

[Ponyup]

Does he really want help? If he honestly wants help, then the 2 of you could maybe try therapy. But in my honest opinion from what you've said I'm not sure your relationship is worth it. You need to decide what you want to be surrounded by for the rest of your life. My husband & I enjoy each other, we are best friends & hardly ever fight. This is what I want. My brother & his wife bicker & fight constantly (no physical violence though) they seem to thrive off it, they like it. I would be miserable in a relationship like that, but it works for them. I think anger management or therapy might help, but I think you both need to go. And you need to examine if you really love him & if he really loves you. Maybe deep down you like the drama or you're afraid of being alone. In my HONEST opinion if you love someone no matter what they do you would never physically harm them. I would never ever hurt my husband in anger & he would never ever hurt me. If you love someone you do not what to cause them pain or harm, in my opinion.

[DianaB]

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

[bettyboop]

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

thank you diana.. i will keep this in mind !

[HALEY]

Take Gina's advice please, run like hell, it only gets worse when you get married.. trust me on this issue... they only change for awhile to suit your wants and there right back to where they started from in the beginning!!!
Your single with no kids!!! Walk away, there are so many nice single men out there you will find another one to take his place.
there is my 2 cents and i'm getting off this thread....

[JingleT]

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.

[Janet]

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.


I'm sorry JingleT, but we just don't accept attacks here. She was asking for advice, all of us gave her the advice we thought best. Yes most were different in some ways, but none made such a harsh statement.

I want to welcome you to 4WT, but hope you will post with a kinder heart.

[Gina]

I agree with Janet , Jingles you did come off so hard on the poor girl.. The way you post sounds like you know her and know that she will not listen.. So what !she asked we all gave our opinions who are we to tell her to heed to us. You were out of line.. We are not professionals..

Anyway welcome to 4wt!

[bettyboop]

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.

i am immature? how? and when did i ever say i am going to have a child? i am 23 and i said he is or was my bf.. and i didnt make excuses.. depression and family issues are a huge huge thing right now for me and i was saying in my post (if you even read that far) that he was the only one there for me so its not easy for me to just let him go.

as far as the hitting thing.. ive already gave my opinion on that as you did too.. take it or leave it.

thank you janet, gina and everyone else who gave their opinions.. im taking it all into consideration.

[Janet]

We know our advice may not be what you want to hear...it's that way with me too. I usually know the right thing to do, but actually doing it can be a real struggle with the heart.

I think I was the one who brought up the 'child' thing in the first place. My advice was not to start a family or have a baby with this man before you get everything straightened out. That was all.

I do wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. We're here if you need us and please don't shy away from asking for more advice. There will be a lot of different opinions and you just need to take a little from all that will work for you.

[HALEY]

i know i was going to stay out of this thread but i can't , Janet i also brought up the "child thing", if you are 23 years old, you are likely having sex with this man, and there is always a chance of getting pregnant if you are having sex.. If any man hits you once out of anger, whatever the excuse is, he will hit you again.
I think you two really need to sit down and talk about your relationship, maybe take some time apart.. Date other people.. Just do whats best for yourself!.. Talk to God about it.. That's what i do when i'm down...
I just don't want you to go thru what i went thru, i would just walk away for now..
But it's your dissussion. if you think you can work it out, it's going to take alot, alot, alot of hard work for both of you!

[celstu1]

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.

[pope1982]

I was going to say Jingle came across as a bit psycho in her response to Betty.

I was also going to bring up the fact that she never said anything about having children with him. Come on now, just because she is 23, does not mean she is not educated on how to use protection. She opened this thread up for opinions, it's not a free for all on her life and however she is choosing or not choosing to live it.

This thread is getting out about as out of control as I had anticipated it would!
None of us are perfect, and since when are any of our relationships?
All we know about the woman, is what her fingers have typed since she's joined and so far I see her having to defend herself every post when all she wanted was some sort of support system in a moment when she felt scared and alone.
I know I certainly felt that way more than a few times in the first few years we started out. And as I said, I am woman enough to admit and face dead on that I have been down some very rough bumpy paths years ago, so I speak from experience.

It is possible he struck her out of fear after he felt attacked. It doesn't make him horrible in my books, just a regular, insensitive (at times) man who reacted and deserves a chance to prove himself to her. If she puts her foot down, and tells him "look that got out of control, I don't want to live that way let's start fresh"... do you think he'd not agree? I'm sure he'd rather put it behind him as well.
And how is this for mind blowing, I don't even think they need anger management. I think they need better communication and to support one another through those rough emotional patches.

I made it a point whenever we had our arguments, to talk to him afterwards and tell him exactly how he made me feel taking things out on me, rather than talking to me. When you help someone to see their behavior through someone else's eyes, that is a tremendous experience and I have been told more than once "thank you" when someone I love asks me for an honest answer regarding their behavior, because they had never known that was how they handled something until it was pointed out to them.

Is there any hope left for this thread, or have we nothing better to do than instruct her to simply give up? Sure there are "plenty of fish in the sea", but can (most of) you imagine your lives without your husbands? Or how would you have felt trying to figure out the complexity of navigating an adult relationship in the beginning if that were all that was being told to you. To give up on the man you love because he didn't fit what other people thought was proper of him.

Betty, I never said thank you for sharing your story with us. :ghug:

[pope1982]

Sorry Haley, I took this from your thread lol

Dear GOD,

The Lady reading this is Beautiful, Classy and Strong. Help her live her life to the Fullest. Please Promote her and cause her to Excel above expectations. Help her to Shine in darkest places and Love where it is impossible to LOVE.
Amen

[HALEY]

no problem Pope, i think bettyboop needs it right now .. maybe it will put her in a good mood today...

[bettyboop]

I was going to say Jingle came across as a bit psycho in her response to Betty.

I was also going to bring up the fact that she never said anything about having children with him. Come on now, just because she is 23, does not mean she is not educated on how to use protection. She opened this thread up for opinions, it's not a free for all on her life and however she is choosing or not choosing to live it.

This thread is getting out about as out of control as I had anticipated it would!
None of us are perfect, and since when are any of our relationships?
All we know about the woman, is what her fingers have typed since she's joined and so far I see her having to defend herself every post when all she wanted was some sort of support system in a moment when she felt scared and alone.
I know I certainly felt that way more than a few times in the first few years we started out. And as I said, I am woman enough to admit and face dead on that I have been down some very rough bumpy paths years ago, so I speak from experience.

It is possible he struck her out of fear after he felt attacked. It doesn't make him horrible in my books, just a regular, insensitive (at times) man who reacted and deserves a chance to prove himself to her. If she puts her foot down, and tells him "look that got out of control, I don't want to live that way let's start fresh"... do you think he'd not agree? I'm sure he'd rather put it behind him as well.
And how is this for mind blowing, I don't even think they need anger management. I think they need better communication and to support one another through those rough emotional patches.

I made it a point whenever we had our arguments, to talk to him afterwards and tell him exactly how he made me feel taking things out on me, rather than talking to me. When you help someone to see their behavior through someone else's eyes, that is a tremendous experience and I have been told more than once "thank you" when someone I love asks me for an honest answer regarding their behavior, because they had never known that was how they handled something until it was pointed out to them.

Is there any hope left for this thread, or have we nothing better to do than instruct her to simply give up? Sure there are "plenty of fish in the sea", but can (most of) you imagine your lives without your husbands? Or how would you have felt trying to figure out the complexity of navigating an adult relationship in the beginning if that were all that was being told to you. To give up on the man you love because he didn't fit what other people thought was proper of him.

Betty, I never said thank you for sharing your story with us. :ghug:


Ah thank you so much Pope!! your entry made me tear up a little bit, I really needed to hear this and glad at least a couple of people on here understand where I'm coming from! you'd said everything I was going to say so thank you.. right now im really taking all of your opinions into consideration.. i really am.. none of my friends know about this.. the 2 that i was talking about that knew, only know things like this happened in the past but not recently so you guys are the only one that know.

also thank you haley and janet- your recent comments were helpful too

[bettyboop]

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.



Your relationship sounded a lot like mine except except for the emotional abuse.. i guess ive been thinking a lot like you.. with the "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this" but the thing is i know he really does.. hes done things like come to my place like 3 in the morning to help me because i was so lost on what to do even though he had to get up early the next day.. things like that. but then he goes around with the physical stuff which totally throws me off guard.

the thing with my family.. its so bad.. honestly its one of those messed up things you only hear on oprah.. i could never tell my friends, not even my best friends.. not because they arent good friends but its too much of a burden for them to know. plus my family has a good reputation- well known, well off.. theres no way id let ppl know. and im NOT making excuses.. i wouldnt mind telling it to a therapist but definitely not my friends. they have been bugging me about it for a long time but yeah.. i would like to go to a therapist to talk it out about some things but i really am trying to save up money to move out of my house (away from my family) first and there is no way i can do it while affording a therapist.

so i dont know right now.. my emotions are still running everywhere.. i am definitely at least taking a break from him for the time being. thanks for sharing your story.. its giving me a different perspective on things.

[celstu1]

Your relationship sounded a lot like mine except except for the emotional abuse.. i guess ive been thinking a lot like you.. with the "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this" but the thing is i know he really does.. hes done things like come to my place like 3 in the morning to help me because i was so lost on what to do even though he had to get up early the next day.. things like that. but then he goes around with the physical stuff which totally throws me off guard.

the thing with my family.. its so bad.. honestly its one of those messed up things you only hear on oprah.. i could never tell my friends, not even my best friends.. not because they arent good friends but its too much of a burden for them to know. plus my family has a good reputation- well known, well off.. theres no way id let ppl know. and im NOT making excuses.. i wouldnt mind telling it to a therapist but definitely not my friends. they have been bugging me about it for a long time but yeah.. i would like to go to a therapist to talk it out about some things but i really am trying to save up money to move out of my house (away from my family) first and there is no way i can do it while affording a therapist.

so i dont know right now.. my emotions are still running everywhere.. i am definitely at least taking a break from him for the time being. thanks for sharing your story.. its giving me a different perspective on things.

I am very glad you are listening to everyone and their stories and opinions. Its important to see this from all angles. I think that in your case, as well as mine, there is a fine line between love and obsession. Make sure its love.

Him coming at 3am does not constitute love, my ex did wonderful things for me through the years, but the overall picture told a different story. I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this.

After we broke up, I bought my own house, new car, am back in college to finally finish my degree. He bought me a coach pocketbook one time (nice right??) and then said "it will probably be the only one you'll ever have cuz you can't afford them" ... haha well I have 3 now, and 2 I bought myself. Thats not the point though I guess his 'presents and gifts and kindnesses' came at a cost to my self-esteem. Back then I thought "Hes so great to do this for me or that for me" but looking back I realized all I had to put up for those little moments of kindness.

I met a GREAT guy earlier this year, we've been together 8 months now. Hes PERFECT for me. I LOVE HIM sooo much I can't picture my life without him. YET, i know if he were to walk I wouldn't die. I wouldn't fall apart. He is not my other half, he does not complete me. I took MANY MANY years to complete myself. He makes me stronger, he makes me kinder, he makes me softer, he accentuates ME. He makes my life BETTER. I make my life whole and complete. This is sooo important (in my opinion) to remember. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to people. Two wholes make a healthy, happy, wonderful relationship! Become whole on your own. Realize your worth. When yo do that and you still want this guy, then go for it. But if he does not improve on himself while you do then you won't want him anymore, guarantee that! :) (((HUGS)))

[DianaB]

Very well said!!!:bravo:

[bettyboop]

I am very glad you are listening to everyone and their stories and opinions. Its important to see this from all angles. I think that in your case, as well as mine, there is a fine line between love and obsession. Make sure its love.

Him coming at 3am does not constitute love, my ex did wonderful things for me through the years, but the overall picture told a different story. I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this.

After we broke up, I bought my own house, new car, am back in college to finally finish my degree. He bought me a coach pocketbook one time (nice right??) and then said "it will probably be the only one you'll ever have cuz you can't afford them" ... haha well I have 3 now, and 2 I bought myself. Thats not the point though I guess his 'presents and gifts and kindnesses' came at a cost to my self-esteem. Back then I thought "Hes so great to do this for me or that for me" but looking back I realized all I had to put up for those little moments of kindness.

I met a GREAT guy earlier this year, we've been together 8 months now. Hes PERFECT for me. I LOVE HIM sooo much I can't picture my life without him. YET, i know if he were to walk I wouldn't die. I wouldn't fall apart. He is not my other half, he does not complete me. I took MANY MANY years to complete myself. He makes me stronger, he makes me kinder, he makes me softer, he accentuates ME. He makes my life BETTER. I make my life whole and complete. This is sooo important (in my opinion) to remember. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to people. Two wholes make a healthy, happy, wonderful relationship! Become whole on your own. Realize your worth. When yo do that and you still want this guy, then go for it. But if he does not improve on himself while you do then you won't want him anymore, guarantee that! :) (((HUGS)))


while i agree with you on many things, im going to have to disagree with you on the 3 am thing.. that is a sign of love because he would never do that for anyone else other than his family.. doing sacrifices like that shows signs of love IMO.. would you wake up at 3am and drive 30 minutes to someones place just to comfort them in their time of need? the answer is prob no unless you really cared about the person otherwise you might just comfort them over the phone (well thats me anyway..). i was just giving little examples of what hes done.. hes done a lot of other huge things for me (just like im sure your ex did for you).

You said: "I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this."

This is true for me as well and I am definitely thinking about things youve said.. so thanks once again.

[Janet]

celstu1 ......What wonderful advice you gave in Post 31.

Wish you the best with this bettyboop

[HALEY]

bettyboop - just checking in to see how you are doing today?

[bettyboop]

bettyboop - just checking in to see how you are doing today?

hey im doing better thanks.. been taking a long break from everything.. thanks for asking :)

[HALEY]

hey im doing better thanks.. been taking a long break from everything.. thanks for asking :)

Maybe that's just what the doctor ordered for you, a beak from everything... let us know everything works out for you. :)

[DianaB]

Yes, please keep us posted on how things are going.