Losing a friend

[Lindsey]

Okay this is all too much for me today when I'm so emotional. I had this friend, Tyler, we were very close for the past 8 years. Well, about a year and a half ago he started dating this very insecure, jealous girl. He got sick of the relationship fast. She snooped through his email, his text messages, and threw fits if he even said hello to a girl. He wanted to break up with her. He had to make a private email account to keep hidden from her so that he could email me. He said he wanted to break up with her and I encouraged it... he's far too nice of a guy to put up with that. She wanted to marry him in 2 years and he said he doesn't want that kind of pressure. But on the other hand, everytime he got mad at her, she threatened to kill herself.
Well, she found out about that email account, got his password, and read everything. This was last summer. He had to delete his facebook account so that no girls would have contact with him, and she sent me a message on facebook saying "Tyler wanted me to tell you this" and went on and on about how their relationship is great and I should stay out of it because I know nothing and stop trying to break them up... I texted him immediately and he begged me not to reply. I valued our friendship. I didn't reply.
Since then, he has ignored my emails, hasn't logged into msn, and even CHANGED HIS PHONE NUMBER so I couldn't text him. He just came online on msn and this is our conversation:
Lindsey said:
wow you exist?
tyler said:
occaisionally. i've been off msn all summer. i've been busy with spring/summer classes and work.
tyler said:
and i went to ontario.
Lindsey said:
and ignoring my emails and changing your phone number
tyler said:
and now i'm not as busy with school.
tyler said:
brb phone
... and then he promptly went offline.
And I probably shouldn't have done this, but I wrote an email:

Okay, we need to talk. I know you went offline, and I know you're going to get this email. If you don't want to reply, fine, I'll just assume that's it and I'll move on. I just need to get stuff off my chest. I know I'm the only friend you've completely cut out of your life, and I know why too. I honestly thought our 8 years of friendship meant more to you. You are a completely different person and I hate it. Everyone has noticed how much you've changed. We've both been busy before and we've always made time for our friendship. In all the years we've known each other we've NEVER gone this long without talking. So you went to Ontario? I had no idea. I got a job offer in Chilliwack, BC, and I couldn't talk to you about it. I miss being able to talk to you, because you used to KNOW me and it was great having someone around who I was close to and could talk about anything with.
Anyways, that's about it. I don't expect a reply, but if you do decide to reply, please don't use the "busy" excuse.
-Lindsey

Maybe it was too harsh, but I'm so ANGRY that he did this to me. I talked to our mutual friend last night about him. She said she still hears from him. but she moved to Texas and got marrid so she's not a "threat"
I'm just sitting here bawling now. He's the guy who said he'd never drop me for a girl... anyone worth having as a girlfriend would have to respect that he could be friends with me. When I was thinking of dumping this really geeky guy I had been dating, I said "If I stayed with him and married him, who would teach my little boys how to play hockey?" and he said "Uncle Tyler, of course!" like it was just OBVIOUS that we were still going to be close our whole lives.
I'm just so mad at him right now and it's been building up over the months we haven't spoken and I guess it's all just overflowing now :( I should have just left it. I guess it's not very mature of me to have written that email. I need to just let go.

[Lindsey]

Okay now I feel stupid for even bothering with an email. Or for even talking to him in the first place. I'm just rollercoastering today with emotions :(

[Janet]

Wow Lindsey...I think I would be so broken hearted to lose a close friend like that. Maybe something else is going on...maybe he hasn't told anyone. Maybe give him a chance to really explain...then decide what to do. Don't be too hasty (especially after 8 years of friendship) to drop him so quickly. Guys just don't express themselves like us more intelligent women do..:)

[Lindsey]

Thanks for the reply Janet. We used to talk at least once a day, even when he was dating other girls. We haven't REALLY spoken since about January... He stopped answering when I texted him, wouldn't answer his phone if I called him (before he changed his number) and every once in awhile he'd be online and I'd invite him out and he'd always say "maybe" and then not show up. In June he sent me an email on my birthday just saying "I've been really busy but wanted to say happy birthday" and then I sent him a long email back saying I'm so glad I heard from him, let me know what's going on in his life, I miss hanging out, etc. And I never heard another word until today. I just miss having him in my life SO MUCH and he's just not even trying.
His girlfriend hates me, I know that for sure. She hates that we were close. He has told me that from the beginning. She doesn't understand that I am absolutely not a threat. He's like a brother to me. We would hang out and play basketball and video games. I'm just one of the guys to him (but I gotta say, much prettier :p lol) There is no attraction at all. If we were ever going to have anything between us, it would have happened the many times that we were both single.

[Gina]

Lindsey your friends gf sounds like she has a few screws missing. Your friend is probably in love with her and has given in to her every whim. It is a shame, though you have been good friends for many years. It probably isn't worth the drama to him if he remains friends with the opposite sex so it seems he just dropped everyone.. That is another issue.. But it's not your problem.

You say that you are like brothers and just good pals, most guys always have an attraction to another female and it is hard for them to be just friends. Even though you mentioned that when you were both single he never came on to you.

You were not wrong to email him you just expressed your feelings and how you have been hurt. Don't shut him out, leave the communication open when he wants to talk to you , you will be there for him. If not keep the good mememories of your friendship and pity the guy for he has bigger problems to deal with...

[Lindsey]

Thanks Gina. It's weird to think about him having been attracted to me, but I guess it could have happened. His mom ADORED me and I know she wanted us to date, but on my end at least it wasn't possible! I loved his family though, and his brother's girlfriend had a yorkie named Toby and Tyler's mom would always want to see Layla so we'd both take the dogs over there for playdates. So now Layla and I have both lost a friend! :(
Tyler and I have about a gazillion silly inside jokes, and almost every day something will remind me of one of them and I just want to tell him and giggle like we used to but I just can't anymore. I don't feel like I have anyone who could be a Tyler replacement :(

[Dobie]

I was thinking the same thing - maybe there was an attraction that the new girlfriend was picking up on. He must be getting something out of that relationship for him to still be in it - it's very sad that your relationship with him has suffered because of it!

[Lindsey]

Personally I feel that he's just scared to leave her. Every time he has tried, she told him she's trying to kill herself. She threatens that constantly. He still lives with his parents and she gets angry if he is doing something for his mom instead of being with her. When we actually WERE talking he told me he's too young to be this serious and he hates how she tries to control his life. But I don't think he wants to be responsible for her hurting herself. And I think he knows that now he has alienated his friends enough that he doesn't really have anyone left if she's gone.
The last time I hung out with him, I said jokingly "Wow, Katie is letting you see me?" and in total seriousness he said "Yeah she made me promise that I wouldn't have sex with you" ... really. He was serious. She was serious. I laughed it off but inside I couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine thinking that or saying that to a boyfriend! How untrusting can you get?? Anyways, the plan was to play video games that night, and I ended up playing by myself at his house while he sat in the corner texting her every 5 seconds and not paying attention to me at all. I was sick of it, and then he said Katie really needed him so he had to drive me home and go see her.

[Ponyup]

I just wanted to say, I know exactly how you feel & I know how much it hurts. My best friend my junior year in high school through my junior year in college was a boy two years younger than me. We did everything together, just the 2 of us. I don't know if he was attracted to me, but I wasn't to him. I was the only person his mom liked & everyone thought we were dating. He followed me to purdue & always joked that once I got married he would live in my pool house. Once he got to college I pushed him to join a frat & make his own friends because I knew I couldn't be his everything forever. He did join a frat & make a lot of new friends & stopped being my friend in the process. It was really hard at the time, but I knew it was for the best. I know the situation is way different, but the feelings were the same. I feel just like you do when he wouldn't return my calls or couldn't hang out with me for whatever reason. you are not overreacting, but you can't make him be your friend if he doesn't want to be for whatever reason. You just have to let him know that your door is always open.

I also think it's sad that he's stuck in that kind of relationship. The girl needs therapy & you're friend cannot fix her. He's really in an abusive relationship. I hope one day he gets tired of her making him feel this way & helps her get the help she needs.

[pope1982]

There is an old saying that is geared towards mothers and sons, but I believe the same can go for dozens of relationships between a man and a woman.
"Your daughter is your daughter for life, your son is your son until he takes a wife."

I know you feel it is kind of harsh right now but it is normal for him to pull away as he is starting to get serious about a girl. This sounds like his first serious relationship and you can't really judge it because as you know with Kyle, relationships are all different. You can look at it like, he trusted you enough to tell you his deepest darkest thoughts/worries/fears what have you but obviously he wants to be with the girl and he is trying to make her happy, however the case may be. He may also feel a little silly for sharing what he has shared thus far.

I've noticed it is hard for women to let go, even for myself sometimes with my own brothers and I love my sister in laws to death, but usually you are not completely cut out of their lives. I know you miss all the good times but things can't stay the same forever especially as your lives take different turns. If the foundation is strong, it can withhold you both putting down roots :)
You have to accept the change and like you said move on.

I wouldn't make him feel guilty anymore if you really care about him and if I were you, if he were to come to you to try and vent about relationship problems, I would tell him you don't want to be involved because you will get your ideas about her and give your opinion and he will probably be mad at you when they reconcile so you'd rather not hear it. It's also not fair to hear one side to the story in my opinion...
Let him know you enjoy hanging with him when the air is clear so you can let loose, unfair tension only makes you uncomfortable. Literally, I know I tense up physically and point out the nearest exits mentally when people try to dump their problems on me and I can't get a word in edge wise.:rolleyes:

I worry about you sometimes Lindsey! You are so nice, young and beautiful. You can't let so many things and relationships let you down and disappoint you girl.
You have a long life ahead of you, live life your own way and to hell with anyone who doesn't want to stick around for your ride. Remember, if someone doesn't make it to your future, there is a reason. ;)
Never have any regrets. You got out what you needed, now let it be. That is obviously how they want things right now. Only time will tell.

[Lindsey]

I know I'm not going to try to contact him anymore. If he wants to get in touch with me, the ball's in his court.
I just really wish he would TELL me what's going on. All I want is some honesty. He'll say "Yeah I'll definitely come out with you tonight! See you later!" and then not show up and ignore everyone until everyone forgets about it. That's how he was earlier this year. It's just so much less hurtful if he says "I won't be out, I'm spending time with Katie tonight" or he could tell me that he just can't work his relationship and spending so much time with me anymore, instead of one day out of nowhere just BLOCKING me. It's hurtful, to say the least.
I just feel that with being with him through thick and thin, through happy relationships and breakups, we'd always be the first to call each other, and I think after everything I deserve a little more respect than what he's giving me. I miss him and his family like crazy but I guess it is what it is. I just feel so REJECTED.

[jrsygal37]

I think he must really love this girl (screw ball or not) and that he's trying not to hurt you but does not know how to tell you that he does not want to be bothered anymore. Don't take this wrong but he may feel that you want more then friendship (or) he may feel that he's cheating by having a secret friendship with you. Either way he's chosen this girl and believe me I know that hurts but honestly you will be far better off if you just forget him. He may come back to you again one day but you have to let HIM come to you and not force it otherwise you will definately lose him forever. I hope it works out. Elaine

[Janet]

You know Lindsey, I just thought of something. Maybe he's staying away from you and all his other friends because he really does care about her, but knows how you all feel about her. Maybe he's afraid to tell you all that he really loves her (even if she's nuts) so he just stays away and that way won't have to listen to people trying to advise him to put some distance between him and her. Some guys will never admit they are 'whipped' in any way.

[Lindsey]

I think he knows that if she actually has changed and isn't so possessive I'd be all for it. I pushed him to date her in the first place. I was so happy and excited for him. This girl is SO pretty, and not to be mean, but Tyler just doesn't get pretty girls, ever. When he first showed me pictures of her I told him "go for her, she's CUTE!" and she really is gorgeous, nice smile, long blonde hair... To paint a picture of Tyler, he's very tall, scrawny, glasses, basically the image of "nerd" in any tv show or movie, including him being very socially awkward. But I like his geekiness because I'm a geek on the inside too lol. And at the start he'd constantly tell me how sweet she was and how she was such a great girlfriend and I honestly was so so so so happy for him.
I really just hate how she controls him. And I wouldn't even have a clue, I didn't know she snooped through his emails until he complained to me about it. I didn't know she snooped through his phone until he complained to me about it. I didn't know she was jealous of his FAMILY until he complained to me about it. I was the person he came to everytime she was a drama queen and threw fits in public, said she was going to kill herself, etc. So that's how I got my perception of her.
I don't know. I'm not going to contact him anymore. I've sent him 2 emails since June, and that's as much as I'm going to try. Really, if he doesn't want to be my friend, then screw it. I have other friends. He can remain friendless if he wants. I'm sure he'll have a happy well-balanced life that way.

[celstu1]

Lindsay, Ive had this happen to me many many times. Guy friends who have such low self-esteem that when they get an overbearing girlfriend (like they usually do) then they drop you like a sack of potatoes because she is jealous. I was best friends with this guy for 7 years. He met this girl and introduced her to me. She proceeded to say things like him & I should get married, she knows where he can buy me a ring etc... stupid stupid stuff. I used to tell her constantly that we are not like that, we are JUST FRIENDS. Always were JUST friends, always would be JUST friends. Eventually their relationship took off and they got married. I was told at the wedding that I couldn't hug him because she would flip out. His mom came up to me and told me she wished it was me up there with him. Anyways, the wedding was the last time I heard from him. After that she had him hook, line and sinker and all he wanted in his life was to be loved. He would do ANYTHING to not be single again, including giving me up. This has happened with a few guys friends I have had.

Ever hear of the reason, season or lifetime theory of friends? Maybe your friendship with him has come to an end because you both got what you needed from that friendship. There was a reason you were friends and once that reason is accomplished the relationship is severed.

I'm sorry though, I know how much it does hurt. :(

[celstu1]

To add a bit more, the reason for the friendship may have been that you were the one who would push him into dating this girl and maybe she is his soulmate. You never know really what the reason was, but its an accomplishment. Unfortunately in theory there is no reason to continue in any kind of relationship.

I know with my guy friend that got married, he lives in my town now, has 2 kids, still married. If were to show up at my door and said Im sorry I know I treated you badly I'd say 'You sure did. Want a beer? Come on in. Whats up?' I am angry at him for sure. I still love him like a friend. Its been about 6 years since Ive talked to him.

When you love someone let them go, if they come back, it was meant to be. Don't hold onto the anger though, I mean you'll be angry for awhile, its just like going through a breakup. Emotionally it will take its toll. It will pass though. Keep that door slightly open in case he comes back and apologizes. If you carry around all this anger and hurt, its only going to hurt you, not him or her.

[Lindsey]

I have never heard that theory, but I like it. I've been through enough breakups now that I don't NEED him there to help me get over it. I do have other friends.. not many that I feel THAT close to, but still enough. And I'm kind of glad I don't have to deal with his (well, her) drama anymore. I really got sick of listening to him complain about her all day every day.
I liked having him around to always have a guy's opinion on things. But when I think about it, he rarely gave me his real opinion anyway. If I asked what he thought about a new boyfriend, or potential boyfriend, he'd say he loved them, they were great. Then after getting my heart broken it was "I saw this coming, I knew he wasn't right for you, I could tell form the start" and I would say "Why didn't you tell me before?" and he would say "Because you liked him and you were happy"