So tired, can't sleep

[Lindsey]

Hey everyone... for those of you who have been around for awhile, you may remember I had a friend in college who secretly dated my roommate, and would come over nightly and they'd do their thing loudly and keep me awake. WELL I think I've come to the conclusion that I need to either live alone or have celibate roommates.
Tonight I was visiting my parents and my grandma, then I came home and went to bed early because I haven't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. My brother I think must have come home at some point from the bar, but I didn't hear him come in. My roommate was out tonight too and I didn't hear her come in. But I did hear her AFTER she came in, with whatever guy she decided to bring home from the bar, being VERY VERY LOUD on the other side of my bedroom wall. I coughed loudly so they'd know I was awake, but either they didn't hear, or they chose to ignore it. When they were done, he immediately got up, got dressed, and asked if the door was locked. She went down and fiddled with the lock, and I thought he was leaving. The door didn't open and close. And then I heard a guy coughing downstairs....... so it looks like she just randomly hooked up with one of my brother's friends and is trying to pretend like nothing happened, like he was just sleeping on the couch downstairs all night.
Anyways, it's almost 6 now, the time I'm supposed to get up, and I have not slept a WINK since 2 am. Oh everyone else is sleeping nice and peacefully, have been for hours, but I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable. And then after being woke up like that I keep looking at the clock and panicking because I know I NEED to sleep because I need to wake up soon.
Am I overreacting? She has the right to do whatever she feels like doing in her life, but I just think it's so rude to be so LOUD about it when there are other people in the house... or to even have to do that at all with other people in the house!!!!!!
I'm just so angry and upset right now I'm crying. My body is so tired I feel sick to my stomach but my mind just won't stop panicking about how screwed up my day is going to be now because I haven't slept.
All I keep thinking is how badly I want to just get out of this place.

[gja1000]

I'm sorry Lindsay. I get really panicky when I can't sleep and I know I have a big or long day ahead. It's just miserable. I think it is rude to be disrespectful of others. It is difficult enough living with others - but when they aren't respectful of you, that must make it even worse. I remember having roommates, it is not easy living with someone else, temporarily. Have you tried talking to her - I'm sure you have.

I hope things get better!

[Lindsey]

Thanks Gayle. It really is hard living with other people, especially in this case when we've been friends since we were about 8 years old. It really hasn't made our friendship stronger, that's for sure.
I haven't talked to her about this stuff, because it hasn't really been that bad. She had a boyfriend about a year ago and it happened quite a bit then, but they broke up after about a month, and since then she's never brought random guys HERE but she has went home with them. I know when she was in college she was... well I don't want to use names... she had a LOT of male friends. Like high double digits. And she always insists she has changed since then, but I think all that's changed is that she doesn't talk about it with everyone anymore. For goodness sakes, last night this guy got up literally a second after they were done, put on his clothes, and walked out of her room. Does that not make her feel like dirt??? I couldn't IMAGINE doing that over and over and over.
I wish I didn't have to deal with it. I lived by myself for a year and it was the best. In this city I can't afford it.

[Janet]

Lindsey, even if she doesn't have someone over often, I would still let her know that if and when she does again, that you would appreciate her controlling the noise...that you don't want to hear it. Ask how she would feel if you did it and kept her awake? If talking to her doesn't work...then knock loudly on the wall, that ought to make the snake shrivel up...LOL

[Lindsey]

Lindsey, even if she doesn't have someone over often, I would still let her know that if and when she does again, that you would appreciate her controlling the noise...that you don't want to hear it. Ask how she would feel if you did it and kept her awake? If talking to her doesn't work...then knock loudly on the wall, that ought to make the snake shrivel up...LOL

LOL!!!!!!!! That was great, you got a smile out of me :)
I just don't know how to even bring it up to her. If she mentions a guy she met, or a guy she brought home, or whatever, I can just say "Yeah I heard it" but if she doesn't bring anything up at all, I don't think I can. I did make sure my facebook status mentioned how I haven't slept since 2 am... this girl LIVES on facebook so I'm sure she'll see that. I'm just trying to be subtle because I don't want to barge in and be angry about it... I don't want to ruin the friendship further and make it impossible to live together...

[Janet]

The next time you see her, just come right out and tell her. Just say...."I almost forgot, I wanted to mention something to you. The other night with you had a guest, I don't want to embarass you, but I could hear what was going on and it kept me awake. If you could, I'd really appreciate you trying to keep it a little more quiet, I would really appreciate it".

I think that sounds nice and respectful without coming down like a madwoman. I on the other hand would have walked in their room and thrown some ice water on them, tell them I need my sleep and watched it shrivel up like a prune...lolo

[Gina]

Lindsey Janet is right... I am a good hearted person but if I get mad or someone is disrespecting me I just tell it like it is.. Sorry, you need your sleep and yes it is hard to live with someone else and I never had the pleasure of moving out before I got married. So I am can only imagine..

Being you are close friends with her since childhood, you can speak your mind. Tell her that she is being very inconsiderate to you , explaining that you don't care whom she sleeps with it, that it is a problem when it interfers with your sleep. If she doesn't stop do as Janet suggested or just knock on the dam door and tell them to stop.. embarrass them!! If not you may have to find another place and let her know that.. Sorry not sleeping is very nerve racking, no pun intended lol. I feel for you. Just let her know how you feel nicely of course...lol

Lindsey I am sure she will oblige once you tell her.. Good luck!

[Janet]

Hey Lindsey...you could record it and then every night turn it up loud or hook some big speakers to the recorder and play it all night long....LOL. Yeah, I know....I'm a stinker!

[Lindsey]

lol oh Janet... I wish you and my roommate could trade places, I think you'd be a lot more fun to live with!!!
Well I couldn't make it through the whole day... I went shopping with my mom while my dad was fixing my grandma's steps today, and I almost passed out in the store. I got back to my grandma's and crashed hard for about 2 hours, and I woke up just in time for my parents to be leaving :(
I just got home and my roommate left a message on my facebook saying she's sooooooooooo sorry if they woke me up last night, but she was just really drunk. And as I'm reading that message, she's sitting in the living room, loudly talking on the phone and bragging about this guy. It turns out he's actually a much older guy from the little village beside our hometown. MUCH older, I'm assuming, because I don't even recognize his name and I'm older than she is.
Anyways, as she's bragging about how she ran into him in the bar and she barely recognized him but he knew her name and he actually wanted to come home with her, and neither of them ever thought that would happen, etc, I'm thinking to myself "He came in, had sex with you very loudly for a couple of minutes, and IMMEDIATELY got up, got dressed, and asked if the door was locked because he wanted to leave. No rest, no talking, just sex and leave. Is that really something to brag about? Do you realize how badly you just got used? Doesn't that even bother you???" But apparently not.
I'm really thirsty but as soon as I open my door she's right there, so I'm cooping myself in my room until she's not out there anymore. I just really am too tired and frustrated to face her.

[pope1982]

Wow, having been on the other side of that wall, and really drunk... I would say, it happens.
She did apologize, so I'd say yes between the crying and the over analyzing on whether or not this was a personal assault against you and your house, you are over reacting. I heard the people upstairs going at it all the time, I actually think it is kind of funny and sometimes mock his "big finale" at the end when the bed squeaks really fast for about 10 seconds like clockwork every time.

Like you said, she was just basically used and is obviously in denial or completely heartless. Kind of have to feel sorry for her.

Maybe it is time to reevaluate the monthly budget and get a place solo if you are so set in your ways and sensitive about problems that arise with room mates. Either that or invest in a pair of ear plugs.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Lindsey]

I don't think I really said it was a personal assault against me or my house... I just thought it was rude. I don't do that when she's in the house because I know it makes her uncomfortable. Same with Kyle's roommates. We make our alone time to have our alone time.
And the monthly budget... impossible. Any rent in the city is more than my paychecks monthly. I'm dealing with roommate because I HAVE to. I was just looking for some support. I have panic attacks when I can't get to sleep, and I always have. I was upset about her waking me up like that, and she did apologize, and that's fine.

[Janet]

Lindsey, maybe you could just write her a nice letter or something so she really knows how you feel. Maybe it would help if you both agree to not have guys over unless the other person is gone.

[Lindsey]

Thanks for the idea Janet. I'm not good with face to face confrontation... or honestly face to face ANYTHING with her! I just feel awkward talking about anything personal, but we do send each other messages on facebook at work and stuff... and it's not a big surprise that that's how she apologized to me too lol. Honestly we have better conversations through our computers in rooms right beside each other, than we do talking face to face

[pope1982]

Sorry if my post came across the wrong way, let me see if I can word things better.
I have been on my own pretty much since opting to move in with my dad at the start of the divorce when I was 14, he worked days and nights... had a place with my older brother in my later teen years, moved all over the East coast, seen all kinds of crazy things and lived with all kinds of crazy people so I had to grow up and toughen up fairly quick.

So when I see you say you are crying in a lot of your venting posts, I don't really know how to respond in all honesty as I think we have lead very different lives up to this point.
I try to give my honest advice, point of view and possible solutions. I tend to be very to the point and I know typed words aren't always perceived the best. Believe it or not, I am a lot like you, writing allows me to best express myself. Face to face I am more an observer, very laid back. I don't have much to say unless it is a smartass joke or unless I am spoken to first so I am used to being misunderstood as per my personality.

So if my concern for your emotions came across as b&%chy, those weren't my intentions.

[Ponyup]

Lindsey, I know just how you feel. I had an aweful roommate who's boyfriend moved in & practically forced me to hole up in my room the whole time. It was a miserable year. It happened to be the year I met my husband which was a major help because I'd go see him every other weekend. On the way home from his place though I'd have panic attacks & cry because I didn't want to go back & didn't know what to do. I know now I should have stood up for myself & put my foot down early on, but I know that's a lot easier said then done.

I also know how you feel about the sleep thing. I get that way too, I look at the clock every few minutes & sigh if I could get to sleep right now I'd still get 3 hours & 20 minutes. And the more you think about it, the more you can't sleep. Well this happens try getting up & doing something else. Read a book, do laundry, clean. Anything to get your mind off not sleeping & then when you feel tired go to sleep. Don't make it such a big deal. Again easier said then done. If it were me & she woke me up I'd probably turn on my radio really loud while I did something. Maybe she'd get the hint & be more respectful in the future.

I also think you should try & talk to your roommate. It sounds like she has self esteem issues & likes the attention she gets from men. I think she needs someone to help her realize she's worth more than that.

[goofywife]

I would take a different approach. I like to listen to bag pipe music. So, at 6:00 when you were supposed to get up. I would hop out of bed, turn the music on (rather loudly). Start cooking a big breakfast (using lots of pots and pans) make as much noise as you can. Do it every time.

She will get the point, no need for words, just actions. For every action their is a reaction.

[Lindsey]

:eek:I also think you should try & talk to your roommate. It sounds like she has self esteem issues & likes the attention she gets from men. I think she needs someone to help her realize she's worth more than that.

Oh my gosh, I have tried!!! Last year she was dating this absolute loser... he was 30 years old and lived with his mom and step-dad. But he acted like a kid in regards to his step-dad, they fought daily. He had a dead-end job and he couldn't even drive because he had a DUI. Anyways, he would always make plans with my roommate and then not show up. Or he would just not answer his phone when she would call 20 times a night, and then blame it on his cell phone not working. Or his voicemail wasn't working, he didn't get voicemails. His texting wasn't working. Whatever.
Anyways, one night her and I went out together, and he was supposed to be there and he didn't show up. We honestly spent half the night in the bathroom talking and hugging and crying... I was completely honest and told her I don't like this guy, she's a wonderful person and does not need to be treated like that. I didn't want to see her keep getting hurt. And she was crying and saying she knows that deep down but she's not strong enough to let it go... she just always wanted to wait a little longer to see if he'd change, but she knew in her heart he never would.
Kyle picked me up about 5 minutes later and I felt so good about our little talk. Kyle spent the night with me (just sleeping!) and we woke up in the morning and I was telling him how I'm so glad Stacey is finally going to leave this guy. And then... squeak squeak squeak squeak from her bedroom. We both looked at each other like :eek: It was him.
He showed up about a half hour after I left, and he apologized for being late, and that was good enough for her. Our whole night of heart-to-heart, hugs, tears, meant nothing as soon as he showed up :(

[Lindsey]

I would take a different approach. I like to listen to bag pipe music. So, at 6:00 when you were supposed to get up. I would hop out of bed, turn the music on (rather loudly). Start cooking a big breakfast (using lots of pots and pans) make as much noise as you can. Do it every time.

She will get the point, no need for words, just actions. For every action their is a reaction.

I actually did make noise in the morning too lol... it's also something the two of us did together last winter when my brother decided to have a big party on a weeknight when we had to work in the morning and he didn't. We got up early and blasted Christmas music throughout the house :) They had gone to sleep an hour earlier, and the house cleared out pretty quickly.
But yesterday morning I got up and had a shower, made coffee, made breakfast, all while watching the dog whisperer pretty loudly on tv. Last night, after the apology and everything, I heard her on the phone with someone complaining "I tried watching a movie when I got up, and she had it just CRANKED. I don't know how she could hear me at 2 in the morning when she can't even hear the tv at a normal level" Oh well.

[Ponyup]

I actually did make noise in the morning too lol... it's also something the two of us did together last winter when my brother decided to have a big party on a weeknight when we had to work in the morning and he didn't. We got up early and blasted Christmas music throughout the house :) They had gone to sleep an hour earlier, and the house cleared out pretty quickly.
But yesterday morning I got up and had a shower, made coffee, made breakfast, all while watching the dog whisperer pretty loudly on tv. Last night, after the apology and everything, I heard her on the phone with someone complaining "I tried watching a movie when I got up, and she had it just CRANKED. I don't know how she could hear me at 2 in the morning when she can't even hear the tv at a normal level" Oh well.

Obviously subtlety doesn't work. You're going to have to sit her down & have a heart to heart. Drunk or not it's no excuse. Maybe write down the things you want to address so it doesn't get heated. I'm so sorry she feels she is worth so little & doesn't deserve better. I wish there was a way you could make her see that, but I know from experience it's very hard to open people's eyes to how wonderful & special they truely are. You cannot worry yourself with the choices she makes though, you can only control your choices. Now when her choices infringe on your sanity you have every right to address it.

[Lindsey]

Yes, she has definite self-esteem issues deep down, and I really don't think there's anything I can do to help it. I've tried. She's sort of the kind of person (and this isn't just my judgement, I've heard the same thing from many people who know her) who feels badly about herself PHYSICALLY so she tries to be the person who knows everything, who is always right (which is why I was so surprised she apologized!), thinks she has tons of friends, etc. It sometimes gets a little annoying. She talks herself up a lot, especially to people she barely knows, and it seems all to be an effort to make people like her. When really, she's be tons more likeable just being herself. And I think sex is the same thing... it's attention, and a way to maybe make a guy like her. I think she feels like if she doesn't sleep with a guy right away, he'll lose interest. But that's just what happens... he gets it right off the bat, so he does lose interest. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Anyways... I think the apology she gave me was enough for now, even if she is complaining about me to her friends now. I mean, I'm complaining to you guys about her! It's different because her friends know me, but it doesn't bother me too much.
Oh and I agree... drunk isn't a good excuse. It's rude no matter what.

[Lindsey]

lol what a weekend for roommate troubles.... drunk roommate troubles at that! Kyle just told me that on Friday night one of his roommates got very very wasted and Kyle came home and he was just being really obnoxious... then Kyle's cousin's (who also lives there) friend came over and the roommate just exploded saying he hates that guy and get out of his house etc... everyone laughed thinking he was kidding, and then all of a sudden he was "f- you all i'm so f-ing sick of you guys. i'm done here, i'm moving the f- out" ... Kyle kept his cool which is rare (I told him I'm proud of him for it!!!) but I guess they asked him yesterday if he's still moving out and he said "well maybe" and they thought maybe he was joking... but wow, that is so unlike this guy. He's just very quiet and sarcastic, but he stays in his room most of the time. If he does move out, Kyle needs to find someone new quickly, because he can't afford his mortgage without one!
Weird weekend all around up here!

[Ponyup]

Maybe you could move in with Kyle; separate rooms of course. Then if your roommate is having drunken sex it will be with you HA!

[Lindsey]

Maybe you could move in with Kyle; separate rooms of course. Then if your roommate is having drunken sex it will be with you HA!

LOL!!