Met the parents!

[Lindsey]

On Sunday, Scott's parents came into town to see the Eagles concert here. He called me in the afternoon just as they were getting in and invited me to spend the day with them. I said sure! They came and picked me up and things were pretty good, although very awkward.
His parents are very very religious, and I am not quite to that extent. Anyways, I have been invited to go home with him at the end of the month. His mom said we should be there on Friday night in time to attend a church play. Okay, that's fine, I'd go. Then she was like "The tickets are $32 each, so $64 but you'll have to pay half" and his dad was like "Why half?" and she said "Well I am buying Scott's ticket, but she'll have to buy her own!" I took it as being a little rude when I was sitting right there... of course I was going to buy my own way anyway, but it seemed like she felt she had to point it to me. $32 seems very expensive though :( I mentioned it to Scott but I don't know... he doesn't really want to go anyway, but it's free for him! We'll probably end up going because he'll do anything to make his mom happy. And I will be spending $32 to make his mom happy.
They wanted to go shopping so I followed them around a little bit, and then went to an open house (Scott is looking at maybe buying a place). Then they dropped us off at Scott's place so we could get in his car. We sat at his house for a few minutes just talking and having some time alone. He said he didn't feel comfortable with me when his parents were there, and I don't know if that's a bad sign or just nerves :( Anyways, then we got in his car to drive to his aunt's house because they were having supper there. On our way, his mom called and was a little upset that we weren't there yet.
They had ordered chinese food and it was really delicious! First everyone said grace and I was just politely silent. Then it seemed like the conversation was very strained, and I felt awkward because I'm used to my family being so laid back and laughing and joking all the time.
When we were on our way out, I told everyone it was really nice to meet them, and I thanked his aunt for the great supper. I didn't realize she expected us to pay for our portion of the supper :( Totally different than my family. If we're invited to eat, we don't have to worry about the cost. Just like if I invite anyone to eat at my place, I do not expect them to pay me for it!
I guess I now have mixed feelings about the whole experience. I definitely don't feel any warmth towards me. It's the first meeting, but still I've met tons of parents before who are so much friendlier and open to me the first time. Does she think I'm not good enough for her son? She usually calls him 2 or 3 times a day, even when we're at work. He goes home (2 hours away) to get his hair cut by her because she knows how he likes it! Whenever she calls and he says he's with me, she says "aren't you sick of each other yet?" when I can clearly hear her. It's still early in the relationship but I have a feeling she's an overbearing type. I don't know how well I will handle it.

[DianaB]

That was really tacky of Scott's Mom but I'll tell you that every family is different. Scott should have known that you had to pay for your share of the food if that's the way they always have done it. He needs to prepare you for when you're with his family or you could ask him if there's anything you need to know or need to pay for before you go to their get-togethers. As for your ticket to the program, Scott should either pay for all of it or at least half of it. It's not fair that his is free and he's expecting you to pay for yours.

It sounds like Scott and his mother have a close relationship and she may be really critical or jealous of you spending time with her son. Just be on your best behavior with her and count your blessings that she's two hours away!!!! Good Luck!!

[Janet]

Couldn't have said it better Diana!!!

[Lindsey]

Thanks Diana! Scott did offer to pay for both of us for supper. He also mentioned to me that he felt bad because when my parents were in town, they paid for 4 square meals for him. I told him not to feel bad, because that's just how we are! He was my guest! On Saturday we spent the afternoon visiting my grandma, and she asked us to go out for supper with her. When the bill came, I grabbed it and she snatched it out of my hand lol... it's always a fight for the bill in my family because everyone wants to treat everyone else!
I know that Scott's mom is judging me hard. She wants me to be everything that his last girlfriend wasn't for him. But I can only be myself. I don't want to have to change to make his mom happy. I can say it's great that she's two hours away, but Scott needs to go there every few weeks to get his hair cut! And last time he was home he said he was having a nap on Sunday but asked his mom to wake him up early so he could get back for his plans with me that night. He woke up in the evening on his own and asked his mom why she didn't wake him up. She said "Oh you needed your sleep so you're well rested for the drive home!" needless to say, our plans were cancelled because he got back very very late. I was sick with the flu that weekend too, and before Scott went home I spent a night throwing up at his house. I texted him while he was at home and his mom told him to tell me to "suck it up"
I guess this is a situation where I need to kill her with kindness!
His dad is awesome, by the way :)

[Blueyes]

Wow! I would never, ever invite my sons gf anywhere and then expect HER to pay for it! And if I had treated a gf that way, my sons would have had a FIT!!! If you are seeing red flags here, pay attention to them sweetie. That being said, I have learned that everybody has differences. I have always paid for things for my kids if I possibly could.. because I want to, not because they expect it. A bad "mother-in law" can cause lots of problems in a relationship. I am blessed with fabulous dil's, and we all appreciate our relationship. I taught my sons that when they got married, their wives came first...I had to because my sons and I are very close:)

I'm glad you got to meet them. Maybe things will get more comfortable with time:thumbup:

[Lindsey]

Thanks Betsi. I was kind of seeing red flags before I even met her... just from hearing her on the other end of the phone when he was with me and stories Scott told me about how strict she was when he was growing up. He wasn't allowed to play hockey in case he got hurt. He could not show interest in girls because he got in big trouble... he still has problems showing affection, even if it's just him and I sitting there. He can't just be the first one to reach out and hold my hand. He said it's silly but a part of him inside just gives him a feeling that it's a bad thing to do.
I hope things get better, and I hope everything can work out... I do really like him. He is extremely good to me. He will do anything to make me smile, and that is so important to me. I just hope that eventually the tie to his mom will loosen a bit.

[Mandy]

WOW!!!!!!!!!! I am gob smacked! Sorry.

I would never ever expect my son's gf to pay for her share, like Diana said, that was very tacky of her, i totally agree with her, that is just not done.
If you invite anybody, it's on you, if you are not willing to pay, dont invite.
You know Lindsey, this says everything about her.
I do understand the "lets go dutch" where people go out to dinner in a group or whatever, and share the bill, thats different, but the way she handled things is a poor show on her part.

Now, i am not belitteling Scott, but he could have said, here is Lindsey's part of the dinner, and i will pay the 32 bux for the church play, without you even knowing about it.

Keep your ears and eyes wide open girl.

[pope1982]

Sounds like you have a good idea of exactly what's going on here.

[pope1982]

A bad "mother-in law" can cause lots of problems in a relationship.

Amen.

I just hope that eventually the tie to his mom will loosen a bit.

Don't hold your breath on that sweetie, good luck.

[judy]

"I thanked his aunt for the great supper. I didn't realize she expected us to pay for our portion of the supper :("

I have never heard of anything like this! His mother sounds like a world of trouble, but at least you know that tacky cheapness runs in the family.

I'm surprised she didn't ask you all to split the cost of dishwashing detergent and water because she would have to wash the dishes you used.

I was married to a "mama's boy," and those ties never loosen. A real man loves and respects his mother, but his woman comes first.

I smell trouble honey bunch. :bighug:

[Gina]

Wow! I would never, ever invite my sons gf anywhere and then expect HER to pay for it! And if I had treated a gf that way, my sons would have had a FIT!!! If you are seeing red flags here, pay attention to them sweetie. That being said, I have learned that everybody has differences. I have always paid for things for my kids if I possibly could.. because I want to, not because they expect it. A bad "mother-in law" can cause lots of problems in a relationship. I am blessed with fabulous dil's, and we all appreciate our relationship. I taught my sons that when they got married, their wives came first...I had to because my sons and I are very close:)

I'm glad you got to meet them. Maybe things will get more comfortable with time:thumbup:

Wow!! I agree with blueyes.. First of all I would never do that to my sons g/f and secondly my son would never allow that. They may be religious people but they are very rude people. I am sorry to say that. His mom should have told him before hand about the cost of tickets if she didnt want to pay for you, then she should have asked Scott to pay for it. If the aunt could not afford to feed everyone then she should not have invited you for dinner and take out chinese food to boot. If someone really can't afford it, have them over for coffee if you just want to get together.

Lindsey he sounds like a mamas boy and he tries to please her. She probably puts guilt on him everytime. I am a mother of a son and I never interfere, matter of fact when my son is wrong I tell him and side up with his girlfriend. I see lots of red flags here , thread with caution this woman and this family are not going to be easy to get along with. You have been warned! lol

Believe me when you marry a person you do marry the family.

[Lindsey]

I went to Scott's house last night and had a really relaxing and fun night, and his mom didn't call once. We had a discussion this morning and I asked him if the money thing is always like that in his family. I apologized for not offering to pay, but said my family is much different and I just needed to know what it was like. He said usually they decide before the food gets there how everyone is paying. Each family pays for how many people they have there eating. Even if they decide to go out and buy groceries to make something, everyone splits the grocery bill :rolleyes: He said he knows it's weird, but when I'm visiting his parents it won't be like that. Just when more than one family get together he said the "joke" about it. In my head I was like "it's not joking when everyone ends up having to pay!"
Anyways, I also brought up the thing about his mom telling me I have to pay for my own ticket. I asked if she usually does things like that and he said "I don't know why she brought it up right there" and I told him it just made me feel really defensive, as if I was just expecting her to pay everything for me, which I WASN'T, but it came across as rude. And then I was like "I just don't know if I want to spend $32 to go to a church play, just so your mom will be happy" and he was like "Yeah I don't know why it's so expensive" but then told me that you get food there and whatever... I was like "You can go to red lobster and eat for less than $32" .. Later he said he was thinking about the Red Lobster comment and maybe we could just go out with my friends who live there that night, or stay in and watch movies or play Wii or something. He said he has better things to spend $32 on and I was like "You mean I have better things to spend it on... yours was free" and he laughed because I don't think he realized my tone. Oh well. I'm just going to leave it.
I asked him if he thinks I will ever fit in with his family and he said "I am sure when you visit in a couple of weeks you will realize how easy it is" .... I really hope so :(

[DianaB]

I'm glad that you and Scott were able to talk about what happened. It sounds like Scott may have to have a long talk with mama if she keeps acting like this. Hopefully, things will be better next time. Good luck!!

[Lindsey]

He just told me that his mom had big issues with his ex not paying for things because she was always in school and had no money. So when they split a bill, Scott would pay for both of them, and his mom always hassled him about "why can't she pay for her own" ... I flat out told him that it may be an issue with me if she's going to continue to speak to me, or of me, like that.

[judy]

Scott is around 21 isn't he? He is too old to not feel that his money and his relationships are none of his mother's business. He's the one with the issues, not really his mother as far as you should be concerned. He should have told her (nicely, of course) that he is an independent young man and that she has no right to be involved in his relationships at all, much less who pays for what.

Be careful Lindsey. We do not want to see you get hurt.

[Lindsey]

He is almost 24. I totally agree with you Judy. His mom is babying him, but he has to cut the ties too. I asked him this morning if he can have his phone turned off the whole time we're with my parents (we're going home next weekend) and he can check it at night or in the morning. He said his mom might call. I said "Oh no a whole weekend without talking to your mom???" and he said he can go without talking to her... I said "Right, she even calls you at work" and he said it's only when it has to do with his bills... They still all go to his mom's house. We had a little mini argument over the whole thing... I told him I haven't had my bills at my parents' house since I was 17 and lived there! I just feel so much more grown up I guess. I don't understand the thing with his mom. I check in with my parents a couple of times a week, when I have some free time to talk. His mom has already called him at work twice today! Oh, and neither time was about bills :rolleyes:

[Emmsmom]

I would seriously think about finding a new BF. JMO of course. I have dated a momma's boy and I am SOOOO glad we parted and went our separate ways. He is now 37 years old and is STILL a momma's boy.

Your BF should have stuck up for you IMO. There was absolutely NO reason for his mother to treat you that way! She may change in time but I would not change who you are just to please her. Her son fell for you because of who you are. If she doesn't like it then tough S@&#!!!! Be careful and look out for yourself.:)

[Janet]

Lots of good advice here Lindsey. You're a smart young lady and I know you'll figure out what you want to do. Me......I'd start spreading my wings a little bit and see what else is out there.

[Lindsey]

We had a really good talk last night. A really good and long talk. There were some tears because I said something kind of harsh. I said "I'm just used to dating people who are a little more established in their lives than you are" and he was laying there, staring at the ceiling, and as soon as I said those words his hands started fidgeting and his face turned red and his lip was trembling and without even blinking there were tears running down his face. He wouldn't look at me. He could barely talk. He said "That's the worst thing you've ever said to me. I keep thinking everything is going great and I feel that I've done a lot with my life and I am being careful and I don't even know how I got a girl like you, and when you say something like that it makes me think everything is a lie, nothing is what I thought it was" My heart completely broke. I care so much about him. I never thought I could hurt him so badly with my words. I explained myself better and he understood better. And he said it's good that we're so open because it just goes to show that we do have problems like anyone but we care enough to work on them. And he does want to work on them.
He said he is going to start a list of everytime his mom calls and what it's for... if it's pointless or not. And maybe it'll help him see what everyone else sees. He asked a friend about it last night, and she agreed with me. And his ex had the same problem. He admitted that his mom is really really critical of anyone he dates, or even who his sisters dated. She hated their now husbands, until she got to know them, and now she loves them. He just wants me to give her a chance to get to know me, because he's sure she'll want me to be in their family as much as he does.
We took some time off work this morning to just cuddle and talk things over (we both have tons of banked hours anyway, and barely any work to do). And I told him "I want us to be okay" and he said "And we will be. I will limit how many times I talk to my mom. I will do anything to make you happy"

[DianaB]

I wouldn't be ready to get rid of him because he's a mama's boy. Just like you're already doing, keep talking to him and if he really wants a relationship with you then he'll work things out with his mom. Just give him some time to see how things go.

My husband was a mama's boy when I married him and after he realized how much it hurt me he cut back on how much his mom was involved in his life. He still sees his mom a lot but she's not running his life anymore.

[Mandy]

He needs to stop trying to please hes mom, he is not dating hes mom, no matter what he does or tries, she will be there to criticise.
If she was all that perfect, and such a divine christian, she wouldnt judge or hate others. Shame on her!
She is not treating her son so nicely if she is judging who ever he goes out with.
If your words bring him to tears, he will have a lot to learn, and thats ok, as long as he is willing to learn on how to improve the relationship with you, and how to stand up to hes mother. Sounds like he is affraid of disappointing her, and she is not allowing him to experience adult life.
Lindsey, stand your ground, and tell him that no matter what hes mom says, you will never ever allow her, or give her a chance to belittle you in any away, at least he will be prepared, and know how you feel and think about her issues.

[Lindsey]

Thank you Diana. I hope that is how things turn out in my situation. I really like that he cares so much for his mom, but I don't want him to rely on her for everything. I know it's early in the relationship, but we have both talked about how well we just fit together and how nice it would be to build a life together... and if I'm going to be a big part of his life, I'd hope that eventually there'd be a switch where I'M the one he'd talk to before his mom. Of course she can be in the background for support, but not in the position to make decisions for him.
Anyways, I feel like after everything last night, we're a lot more bonded than we were before. It's all out in the open. I like that he didn't immediately get defensive like any other guy I've dated. He saw my problem and now we can deal with it like adults. :) He told me last night "I like fighting with you, because it's not like a real fight. It's just a discussion and we both feel better in the end" And I think that's how it should be... no drama! I've already had my share of drama :) I really like this guy. I know there are other fish in the sea, but I feel like he's my special fish! I don't want to look for any other fish!

[Lindsey]

Mandy, I told him exactly that last night. I said that I will definitely give his mom another chance... I understand she may have had misconceptions about me just because of his past girlfriends, and it was her first time meeting me and she probably feels that nobody is good enough for her son. And I can definitely prove I'm enough for him, and more :) But I said if she says anything rude to me, or anything I find offensive, I WILL stand up for myself, even if he doesn't. But I also told him I would expect him to stand up for me too :) He said he's definitely stood up to his mom before in the same situations with girlfriends. Soooo we'll see what happens. I'm going to just look past this first meeting and try to start fresh when I visit them!

[judy]

"I will do anything to make you happy"

Lindsey - that's a lovely thing for him to say and to feel. I would definitely give him another chance. Remember, things do not happen overnight. It's a process. Even if he messes up, I think you are handling this very well, so just keep on doing what you're doing. I also like that he likes to discuss things, and doesn't get defensive.

I really do hope it lasts, and I know you do too. But, even if it doesn't last, it sounds like a very nice relationship to be in and you and he are getting a lot from each other and growing in very important ways. Enjoy it!

[Lindsey]

Thank you Judy, I am really enjoying it :) And guess what! We've been together since Friday night and his mom hasn't called ONCE! That's never happened! I even talked to my mom twice this morning lol.
We went to another open house yesterday, and the house was gorgeous and relatively cheap. There have been a few offers already but he can't find out how much of a mortgage he can get until he talks with the bank on Tuesday. He really wants to put an offer in on it though. And he was saying things to me like "It's only 3 blocks from your grandma's house so we could just walk there and visit!" and "The yard is all fenced in so Layla can run around!" and he was talking about how we could knock out the wall between two little bedrooms upstairs to make a bigger master bedroom with a large closet and a vanity area for me. ME. I always think about that kind of stuff but I love that he's thinking about it too. We're not ready to take that step yet, but he's thinking of me already in his decisions.
I don't feel I've ever been this serious about someone before. I don't want to jinx anything, but even before we were seeing each other, when we were just friends, I told my cousin "He is going to fall in love with me, he's the one" and I still believe it with all my heart.

[DianaB]

I knew that my husband was the one for me before we started dating. He had all the qualities that I loved and I haven't been disappointed!!!!! Good luck, Lindsey!!

[Lindsey]

I love hearing that from people like you Diana, because you're so happy in your marriage! I always laughed at people who said they had "love at first sight", or knew after a couple months of dating that they wanted to be together forever, but I guess it's just because I've never experienced it before. So now I think, maybe it is real! Maybe you CAN know! But we'll see what the future brings :) I can't believe how excited I am to take him home for the first time next weekend. I never liked taking boyfriends home before.