...............divorce?

[JustMe]

I am so glad to find this place, I really need to vent (I hope that's ok for a first post?). I don't know what to do. My husband & I have been together a few years, married about 1 1/2. we are now seperated... I was just miserable.

In our relationship I took care of the house, kids, classes, and a small business on the side... he payed the bills. In the beginning we seemed so in tune with each other... but it got to the point that we never really even talked... I have to get up early to get the kids off to school, and go to class. He would get up sometime between noon and 3... when the kids & I got home, he would have just left for work, and home about the kids bedtime.

Of course, that's IF he worked that day... he likes to talk about how his days are so long because he gets home so late... but in reality he would work a few hours a day, a few days a week... and almost NEVER up before noon. When he gets hom, he would go to the den/basement and drink beer until 3-4 in the morning... and do it all over the next day.

Now, he never beat me, but I did feel neglected... and he would yell over stupid things (prolly cause of a hangover) which just left me feeling like crap (can I say that?) and un appreciated... like I would spend 4 hours scrubbing the house that has 4 children in it, and he would get up/get home any yell about the dishwasher not being loaded...

Eventually I just said forget it. I made him leave.

We have talked more in the last 2m than in the last 8. Still though... I start thinking about how different our backgrounds are, and how we act, and how we want to achieve our goals... and I just don't see the compatability that I thought I saw at first... like I ignored the obvious and just figured that opposits attract...

Anyway, it's like he won't let me break up with him, lol. Every time I have told him, what he's doing is not really bad, just not what I want in a partnership...

{he dosen't want to get up early and I have to. I want someone who is home and awake when the rest of the family is. He did pay the bills, but hell, we NEVER had sex anymore even though I REALLY wanted to... because we didn't have the opportunity... we were only in the bed together for maybe 2hrs a night... if he didn't fall asleep downstairs.}

He just gets it in his head that I am telling him he has to work harder... He never gets it that I'm telling him I'm done... even when I say it directly :( Then he will do things differently, a little... and I start feeling like maybe it could work....?

He finally understood hos much I hate the drinking. So he agreed to quit. He went almost a week without a drink, and was like "see? no DT's... I'm not an alcoholic". then started drinking again.

He is really wanting to work things out... I'm just at the point where I don't even care anymore. When he comes over & starts to discipline the kids, I'm thinking 'this is why he dosen't live here' and I even told him that if he was a boyfriend who was trying to move in with me, I would break up with him... and I don't understand why the fact that there is a paper that says we're married means he can treat us like he does...

Gosh this ended up soooo long winded.... I guess I just want to talk it out with people who are totally non-biased... I don't know if I should give in and try harder, or move on. Do I need a lawyer or a counceler?

J

[BabyNicole]

Sorry you are going through this! :( I do believe a lot of your problems stem from his drinking. It is a disease, and in order to stop he needs serious help. And he can NEVER have a drink again. I dated someone who was an alcoholic and I will never do it again. Maybe live apart, and tell him you won't considering working on anything until HE gets help.

Oh, and drinking and sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression/self medication. Is he depressed about anything? Maybe he feels like a failure. And well, he is being one since he's treating you and your children like this. :(

Something needs to be done asap. I truly hope all works out for you!!!!

[Janet]

Okay here goes my personal opinion again...I think you should stay apart for the time being. Go to couples therapy and if he won't go....go alone. After a couple has been together for awhile...it seems there comes some bumps in the road, in mine, it was a mountain!!! Discuss with him to get counceling for his drinking, if he is not willing, then he obviously cares more for the drink than his family. Anyway, you still need to go and get the help anyway. There are a lot of free services out there, also, if finances are a problem. I would definitely get to the root of the problem before the ties are severed.:)

[magnolia]

I also have dealt with an alcoholic in the past (my older brother). Until your husband admits he has a drinking problem (and a person with a drinking problem is one who can't get through a single day without having a drink - and then can't stop with one), he will continue just as he has been. Also, as Janet said, he may be dealing with some depression and added with the drinking - not good. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you found this place - GREAT place to vent, laugh, and lean on shoulders (there are some great ones here). Try to get into counseling with him, or go alone. You will feel so much better:)

Oh, and welcome to 4WT - hope you stick around and give us a chance to get to know you and you get to know us.

[RLC12345678]

Your husband is probably drinking because he is depressed so confronting him about the drinking is going to cause him to feel threatened and attacked and I think that will only make matters worse. Afterall, I believe that it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Yes, he has his share of problems that are contributing to the decline of this marriage, but I am sure there are some things that you could work on yourself. It takes TWO to tango, as I like to say. So, with that being said, I would not attack your husband about his drinking and tell him that HE is the one that needs help and HE is the one who needs counseling. I think BOTH of you need help. You BOTH need to go to counseling together as well as separately. I think that in the counseling sessions would be a good time for BOTH of you to get everything out on the table. He can be open and honest about what he doesn't like about his life that is causing him to drink and you can be open and honest about your feelings. Men do not like to feel attacked or threatened. If you attack him, he is going to push harder and harder against you. I think in a caring and compassionate conversation, you need to express how you want to stay wtih him but yall BOTH need to go to counseling in order to make it work. Tell him that YOU BOTH have issues that you need to work on that will not be resolved without counseling. Tell him that it is as much your fault as it is his, even if you don't truly feel that it is. Give him an ultimateum...If he refuses to go to counseling, get a divorce.

Best of luck to you. I, too, hope you stick around. We would love to get to know you better.

[Tiger Lily]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll have to say, that I probably agree with the others about the drinking. If he's up all night drinking, then he'll continue sleeping all day instead of trying to mesh with you & the childerens daytime schedules. Although I do know some couples who are happy & compatible with such opposite schedules.....I know that I would not. I'm like you & want my guy around during all the 'normal' family times.

How long have you been together? Are your children yours, his, both of yours?? How old are they? I tend to think that whenever children are involved, especially young children, than counceling is always a good bet. If you have some doubt about ending the relationship then maybe just try counceling. The worst that could happen is that the divorce is delayed & it sounds like the relationship is not unsafe for you or the kids. Who knows, maybe you can dig to the root of the problem & fix it. Has he always been a drinker & on a night schedule??

[SweetCuteness]

While I do agree with what everyone has said - especially regarding the conceling, you kind of sound like your mind is 99% made up. For counceling to be able to work, you're going to have to go into it with an open mind. If your mind is saying "it's over, I'm done," the counceling will be ineffective. Best of luck to you!!

[SweetCuteness]

P.S. Welcome to 4WT!!!!

[Mandy]

Just want to send you my best wishes and good luck with whatever decision you make. And welcome to 4WT, you have come to the right place ;)

[Necee419]

I am sorry you are going through this. As many have said, a large portion of your problems stem from his drinking and I also noticed the fact that you all had conflicting schedules never gave you guys enough time to spend together as a family. My father is an alcoholic and he was physically abusive to my mother. She divorced him when I was 4. You have stated that your husband has never been physically abusive but verbally abusive to some degree. Personally, IMO I don't think it is healthy for your children to see their father constantly drunk and making negative comments towards their mom. If you are unhappy, your children are unhappy and that is never healthy for them. Family counseling is the best way to go, as well as individual counseling for yourself and your husband. Only you can decide if you want to try to work things out or throw in the towel. Follow your heart because I strongly believe in the power of a woman's intuition. Best of luck to you and if you ever feel like you need to unload or get anything off your chest, you can always find a friend on here.:)

[JustMe]

Thanks so much for the support... and I don't think I'm perfect or that none of our problems come from me... but I'm the one who is unhappy and he would come back in a heartbeat if I let him.

At first I didn't even have a problem with the drinking, it wasn't as much (quantity per night) as it has been lately. My children are the most important thing in my life. Everything I do I do with their best interests in mind, sometimes I mess up, but for the most part they are turning into happy and productive members of society... not always the little robots who learn to "do as I say" to make the house run smoothly. That is where I really get upset, the parenting stuff & me feeling like I am not even worth sleeping next to...

DH grew up in group homes. He never learned how to parent. He knows his family, he went into foster care because his mom went to jail... drugs? Prostitution? something along those lines...

In a foster home full of boys the most important thing is FOLLOW THE RULES even if they are dumb rules... the foster care situation doesn't have a steller rep for turning out great members of society...

I see him as always being blue collar. Not that there is anything wrong with that... but that is his family background... blue collar, drug addicts & stubbornness. My family (not that they are anywhere even CLOSE to perfect) are more upper middle class... RN's, psychologist, architect, things like that. My mother was actually the family screw up in that generation... she still has a degree.

I don't think this means either of us is better than the other, but I think our background gives us a different set of glasses to look at life through... he grew up in "the system" and I grew up surrounded by family who really loved me, and even though I was dirt poor as a kid (hell, still am) I had that love, and knew it. I feel really bad that he didn't have the same...

I really think he does need more help than I do. I have been going to a theripist for several months... it just wasn't marriage counceling because until I made him leave, he didn't believe me when I told him we had problems... or that something just wasn't right. I told him several times that we never learned how to mesh our styles and parent together... or learned how to be a family... he would always say we were just fine.

I won't go to marriage counciling unless I am open minded about it working out... I guess That is what I'm struggling with... He has agreed to go, but I'm not sure if I want to bother or not. I know that he needs to deal with some personal issues from his childhood... and I have never tried to make it seem like everything was his fault... but I sort of feel like it is. I feel like I have been trying to be his partner, and he shut me out. Now that I gave up, he is willing to try... it just seems like it isn't good enough anymore... and THAT makes me feel guilty.

Ugh! I just get so confused about it...

[rivermom]

Sorry that you are dealing with all this. I am sure it's been very difficult on you and the kids. I hope that whatever choices you make regarding your marriage that it leads to your happiness. Cuz, if you ain't happy then nobody's happy!!"

I wish you the best. Life is short ~ so live it the way you feel is best for you and the kids.

[Kimberley]

The only thing I can suggest is COUNSELING. We went to church counseling earlier this year because of some issues that we were having. Things have been a lot better and we actually speak to each other now. Have you two thought about that?

My husband would NOT go with me at first but then he saw that I was serious about making it work and he did it to appease me at first but then we got a lot of issues out on the table and were able to work through them.

[Janet]

The only thing I can suggest is COUNSELING. We went to church counseling earlier this year because of some issues that we were having. Things have been a lot better and we actually speak to each other now. Have you two thought about that?

My husband would NOT go with me at first but then he saw that I was serious about making it work and he did it to appease me at first but then we got a lot of issues out on the table and were able to work through them.


I sure hope everything works out for you Kimberley and that you are happy. I recommend counseling for everyone......what could it hurt? At least it's a trained professional that can help solve conflicts. Family and friends are just too close to be objective most of the time.

[RLC12345678]

Janet is right......What can counseling hurt? That is great that he is willing and able to go to counseling. At least it will help him deal with his issues from his childhood. The fact that he is so willing to go means that he is willing to try to make this marriage work. Everyone learns behavior from somewhere. You leanred your excellent parenting skills from your parents. Unfortunately, your husband did not have that advantage. He learned his bad behavior from "the system." It really isn't his fault that he does not know how to be a good parent. You knew this coming into the marriage and in my opinion you should give him the opportunity to correct some of his bad behaviors before giving up on him. He has a disease that he needs help overcoming. Your children need their father in their life. I truly believe that if you don't give him a chance at least by trying marriage counseling, his disease is only going to get worse. You do not want your kids having a father like that in their lives because they are learning behaviors from not only you, but him as well. They need a loving, productive father in their life and the only way he is going to become this way is through professional help, which he probably won't get unless you are willing to go too.