i think i need to put some fire under his... hiney :)

[tumblnstar]

well im new here... but im just gonna get down and dirty! i dont have many girlfriends... to be honest i generally dont get along with any other girls besides my sisters lol . so you girls are it!

alright.. i posted my problem on yorkietalk and they sent me over here... so here i am.. and heres my problem...

my boyfriend phil and I have been together for about 2 years. we are absolute bestfriends and never fight...unless its over the remote :) our relationship has never been really mushy or romantic.. but we both know that we really love each other and we always talk about "us" in the future... but
he has never said that we are going to get married!! it usually like "oh we should do this.. or in a few years lets do this blah blah". this normally wouldnt bother me.. but im ready to get married. i know that this man is the one that i want as my husband and father to my children and i just want to know whether or not hes planning on marrying me.

we live in apartments beside each other so everyday i clean, cook , do laundry, pay his bills, check his bank account, everything for him. but the other day i made the suggestion to get a joint Savings account to save up for a trip and he FLIPPED at the thought that our money would be together. (as if i dont have every access to his money everyday?) i was flabergasted at his reaction b/c in my eyes... whats his is mine and mine is his!..

everything about our relationship is just what i could have wanted except for him not opening up about his feelings about our relationship... any advice as how to make him open up about marriage without freaking him out?and should i back off being a wife before he actually makes me one?

[Gina]

well im new here... but im just gonna get down and dirty! i dont have many girlfriends... to be honest i generally dont get along with any other girls besides my sisters lol . so you girls are it!

alright.. i posted my problem on yorkietalk and they sent me over here... so here i am.. and heres my problem...

my boyfriend phil and I have been together for about 2 years. we are absolute bestfriends and never fight...unless its over the remote :) our relationship has never been really mushy or romantic.. but we both know that we really love each other and we always talk about "us" in the future... but
he has never said that we are going to get married!! it usually like "oh we should do this.. or in a few years lets do this blah blah". this normally wouldnt bother me.. but im ready to get married. i know that this man is the one that i want as my husband and father to my children and i just want to know whether or not hes planning on marrying me.

we live in apartments beside each other so everyday i clean, cook , do laundry, pay his bills, check his bank account, everything for him. but the other day i made the suggestion to get a joint Savings account to save up for a trip and he FLIPPED at the thought that our money would be together. (as if i dont have every access to his money everyday?) i was flabergasted at his reaction b/c in my eyes... whats his is mine and mine is his!..

everything about our relationship is just what i could have wanted except for him not opening up about his feelings about our relationship... any advice as how to make him open up about marriage without freaking him out?and should i back off being a wife before he actually makes me one?


First I want to welcome you aboard, you have come to a great place with terrific women on here :) You don't mention how old you and your boyfriend are? For starters why would he want to get married when you are doing everything a wife would be doing, He has the best of both worlds, and its not costing him anything. So you must stop doing his cleaning etc. Honestly I would point blank ask him what are your plans for the future? Do you have intentions of marriage and children and what time frame?

You have been with him two years by now he should know where this relationship is going, it is not fair to you if you both don't have the same feelings as far as marriage and children. Depending on your ages you can wait a little longer or if its not in his cards, I would seriously be thinking of moving on. Don't waste all your years on someone if he is not going to settle down.

Btw sometimes a relationship where there is no fighting is not always a healthy one. You both are individuals and have difference of opinoins.

[RLC12345678]

I definately think that you should back off being his "wife." Most men feel why should they buy the cow when they get the milk for free? I think backing off A LOT would do a lot of good. I know you don't want to back off and it will be hard, but that is the only way you are going to know whether this man has the same long-term feelings about you as you do for him. If you are so "close," do you not think that you could talk to him about his feelings about marriage? Maybe tell him that you are going to back off for awhile and let him think about the future and about whether he wants to be with you forever or not. Tell him that you want to be with him, but you need to know what he is thinking. Tell him that you aren't trying to freak him out or anything. But he needs something to look forward to by marrying you. I know most people these days don't save sex for marriage, and that is fine, to each her own, but there has to be SOMETHING that will entice him to get married. Otherwise, he will never want to. And I don't blame him...why should he?? He is already getting all the benefits of being married without having the commitment.

I wish you the best of luck in the situation. One of the keys to a successful relationship/marriage is communication. You need to find a way to successfully and openly communicate with your boyfriend and you both should discuss this.

[Janet]

I definately think that you should back off being his "wife." Most men feel why should they buy the cow when they get the milk for free? I think backing off A LOT would do a lot of good. I know you don't want to back off and it will be hard, but that is the only way you are going to know whether this man has the same long-term feelings about you as you do for him. If you are so "close," do you not think that you could talk to him about his feelings about marriage? Maybe tell him that you are going to back off for awhile and let him think about the future and about whether he wants to be with you forever or not. Tell him that you want to be with him, but you need to know what he is thinking. Tell him that you aren't trying to freak him out or anything. But he needs something to look forward to by marrying you. I know most people these days don't save sex for marriage, and that is fine, to each her own, but there has to be SOMETHING that will entice him to get married. Otherwise, he will never want to. And I don't blame him...why should he?? He is already getting all the benefits of being married without having the commitment.

I wish you the best of luck in the situation. One of the keys to a successful relationship/marriage is communication. You need to find a way to successfully and openly communicate with your boyfriend and you both should discuss this.


Good advice. After two years of being together...you should really feel comfortable being able to talk about this with him. I made that mistake and believe me...you want to have the communication. I will offer the suggestion that when you talk with him about your feelings....LISTEN and WATCH his body language. It will tell you what you want to know. If you are not getting the reaction you expected after all this time....then you seriously need to look your relationship staight in the eye and figure out if this is what you really and truly want.


Oh and glad you're here...great women with great advice...just pick and choose what will work for you.

[tumblnstar]

I definately think that you should back off being his "wife." Most men feel why should they buy the cow when they get the milk for free? I think backing off A LOT would do a lot of good. I know you don't want to back off and it will be hard, but that is the only way you are going to know whether this man has the same long-term feelings about you as you do for him. If you are so "close," do you not think that you could talk to him about his feelings about marriage? Maybe tell him that you are going to back off for awhile and let him think about the future and about whether he wants to be with you forever or not. Tell him that you want to be with him, but you need to know what he is thinking. Tell him that you aren't trying to freak him out or anything. But he needs something to look forward to by marrying you. I know most people these days don't save sex for marriage, and that is fine, to each her own, but there has to be SOMETHING that will entice him to get married. Otherwise, he will never want to. And I don't blame him...why should he?? He is already getting all the benefits of being married without having the commitment.

I wish you the best of luck in the situation. One of the keys to a successful relationship/marriage is communication. You need to find a way to successfully and openly communicate with your boyfriend and you both should discuss this.


lol i saw the comment about the cow and the milk and i say out loud "oh no i still have my milk!!!" no we dont have sex or anything like it... we are waiting until we get married... hopefully that will be together :) and its soo weird that i cant talk to him about it...its like im soo afraid that he will say that its not what he wants that i dont even want to ask! its crazy.. we really do have such open conversation about everything....except this!... i think it really streams from the fact that we arent romantic..or mushy..so we dont really sit down and say ok... we are in love lets get married. im just going to have to get up the courage and sit down and ask the question. im just terrified that he's not going to want to marry me. im 21 by the way and hes 29. i know i know all of you ladies are going to say..youre too young ... but if youve gone what i have gone through since i was 16.. you'd be ready to settle down and have babies too :)

[RLC12345678]

lol i saw the comment about the cow and the milk and i say out loud "oh no i still have my milk!!!" no we dont have sex or anything like it... we are waiting until we get married... hopefully that will be together :) and its soo weird that i cant talk to him about it...its like im soo afraid that he will say that its not what he wants that i dont even want to ask! its crazy.. we really do have such open conversation about everything....except this!... i think it really streams from the fact that we arent romantic..or mushy..so we dont really sit down and say ok... we are in love lets get married. im just going to have to get up the courage and sit down and ask the question. im just terrified that he's not going to want to marry me. im 21 by the way and hes 29. i know i know all of you ladies are going to say..youre too young ... but if youve gone what i have gone through since i was 16.. you'd be ready to settle down and have babies too :)

I don't think you're too young to get married. I was 21 when I got married, which was over a year ago. I know people thought that I was too young to get married, but I think it is more of a maturity factor than an age factor. I am a lot more mature than almost all of my friends and it was the right time for me to get married. That does not mean that all 21 year olds are ready for marriage. Everyone is different.

Have you ever read the book or heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You which is written by one of the male writers for the show Sex In The City?? It is very enlightening! I own it and have read it cover to cover many many times. If you want to read it but don't want to go out and buy it, let me know and I'll mail you my copy. I think this book will really help you build the confidence to just straight up ask your bf if he is into you enough to get married or not. I know you are scared. But wouldn't you rather know NOW if he doesn't want to marry you so you can get on with your life than wait until you are even more invested in this relationship to find out?? If he doesn't want to put in the kind of commitment that you are willing to, you don't need to waste your time on him. I know that is hard to accept and he may not even be this way at all, but that is something that you DEFINATELY need to find out before you take your feelings and your emotions any further.

Seriously, if you want to read this book, let me know and I'll send it to you. It is SO good. It is short and to the point. You could read it in a couple of hours. It is one of Oprah's all-time favorite books. I think EVERY girl, woman, preteen, teen should read it. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

[Ponyup]

Is he a virgin too? Just curious. My husband & I don't have a mushy relationship at all, but one day I decided he was the one & blurted out I wanna marry you & he said like right now & i'm like whenever & we started looking for rings. My hubby is not a risk taker at all, & didn't want to get turned down if he asked so it worked out better that I let him know I wanted to marry him first. I think you need to sit him down & tell him how you feel. No manipulation just honest I love you I want to be your wife talk. If he freaks out then he is not the one for. You need to know now before you waste anymore time on him.

[Janet]

I don't think you're too young to get married. I was 21 when I got married, which was over a year ago. I know people thought that I was too young to get married, but I think it is more of a maturity factor than an age factor. I am a lot more mature than almost all of my friends and it was the right time for me to get married. That does not mean that all 21 year olds are ready for marriage. Everyone is different.

Have you ever read the book or heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You which is written by one of the male writers for the show Sex In The City?? It is very enlightening! I own it and have read it cover to cover many many times. If you want to read it but don't want to go out and buy it, let me know and I'll mail you my copy. I think this book will really help you build the confidence to just straight up ask your bf if he is into you enough to get married or not. I know you are scared. But wouldn't you rather know NOW if he doesn't want to marry you so you can get on with your life than wait until you are even more invested in this relationship to find out?? If he doesn't want to put in the kind of commitment that you are willing to, you don't need to waste your time on him. I know that is hard to accept and he may not even be this way at all, but that is something that you DEFINATELY need to find out before you take your feelings and your emotions any further.

Seriously, if you want to read this book, let me know and I'll send it to you. It is SO good. It is short and to the point. You could read it in a couple of hours. It is one of Oprah's all-time favorite books. I think EVERY girl, woman, preteen, teen should read it. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

That guy that wrote that was on Oprah and it was such an interesting show. I will have to find that book also. I forgot all about it. We have plenty of bookstores around so it won't be hard to find.

Rebecca gave you excellent advice!!! You sure don't want to invest another 3-5 years and THEN find out he's not interested in marriage or a family. I'd start the conversation soon....life is way to short!!

[tumblnstar]

I don't think you're too young to get married. I was 21 when I got married, which was over a year ago. I know people thought that I was too young to get married, but I think it is more of a maturity factor than an age factor. I am a lot more mature than almost all of my friends and it was the right time for me to get married. That does not mean that all 21 year olds are ready for marriage. Everyone is different.

Have you ever read the book or heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You which is written by one of the male writers for the show Sex In The City?? It is very enlightening! I own it and have read it cover to cover many many times. If you want to read it but don't want to go out and buy it, let me know and I'll mail you my copy. I think this book will really help you build the confidence to just straight up ask your bf if he is into you enough to get married or not. I know you are scared. But wouldn't you rather know NOW if he doesn't want to marry you so you can get on with your life than wait until you are even more invested in this relationship to find out?? If he doesn't want to put in the kind of commitment that you are willing to, you don't need to waste your time on him. I know that is hard to accept and he may not even be this way at all, but that is something that you DEFINATELY need to find out before you take your feelings and your emotions any further.

Seriously, if you want to read this book, let me know and I'll send it to you. It is SO good. It is short and to the point. You could read it in a couple of hours. It is one of Oprah's all-time favorite books. I think EVERY girl, woman, preteen, teen should read it. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


that is so sweet of you! i would love to read it! i would hate for you to spend the money to mail it to me though so ill just make myself go out and buy it :) someone remind me please (im reallly forgetful)... but i totally agree with everything you said. i think that the reason its eating me up inside is b.c i dont know.. and im not into wasting my time or life waiting on someone to get with the program. this is also the first relationship that ive been in that im not the dominant one. usually i make all the decisions and choices and the guy just says ok hunny... but in this one.. i cant do anything about it.... and i dont really want to .. i just want him to say either i want to marry you or i dont. i hope ive come to the realization that i can handle it if he doesnt. im usually such and independant person and for some reason i feel like a rejection from him would just floor me. someone give me some "balls :eek: " so i can just blurt it out!

[RLC12345678]

Is he a virgin too? Just curious. My husband & I don't have a mushy relationship at all, but one day I decided he was the one & blurted out I wanna marry you & he said like right now & i'm like whenever & we started looking for rings. My hubby is not a risk taker at all, & didn't want to get turned down if he asked so it worked out better that I let him know I wanted to marry him first. I think you need to sit him down & tell him how you feel. No manipulation just honest I love you I want to be your wife talk. If he freaks out then he is not the one for. You need to know now before you waste anymore time on him.


Excellent advice!!!! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: I agree that he maybe just too nervous to bring up the subject of marriage. Maybe you should initiate it and you can make a decision based on his reaction.

[tumblnstar]

no hes not a virgin... and neither am i.. i just made the choice awhile ago that i wanted to wait and phil did the same (ironically before we met) so im a re-virgin lol no.. i dont kid myself.. i messed up and it took along time for me to forgive myself but phil and I forgave each other and decided to never look back on it again. Im so glad to hear that it worked out for you...maybe it will for me!! maybe phil is just scared that ill say no..... hmmm i like that theory :)


Is he a virgin too? Just curious. My husband & I don't have a mushy relationship at all, but one day I decided he was the one & blurted out I wanna marry you & he said like right now & i'm like whenever & we started looking for rings. My hubby is not a risk taker at all, & didn't want to get turned down if he asked so it worked out better that I let him know I wanted to marry him first. I think you need to sit him down & tell him how you feel. No manipulation just honest I love you I want to be your wife talk. If he freaks out then he is not the one for. You need to know now before you waste anymore time on him.

[Lindsey]

I'm going to agree you should read that book! I bought it one day on a whim and I came home and read it cover to cover. Then I bawled all night! It exactly described the guy I was seeing at the time. I didn't want to believe it of course, so I stuck with him and got pretty hurt in the end. So from now on, I trust the book!

[Mandy]

I saw that show on Oprah, that guy is excellent!!!! Great book to read ;)

[BabyNicole]

I will speak from double experiences (from two different men).

#1~I played wifey too. Laundry, cleaning his apt., etc. It is HIS job, not yours to be doing this stuff. They then grow to expect it and don't feel grateful anymore that you are doing it. When you stop? Be prepared, he will get annoyed. :(

#2~Do NOT rush a man into marriage. I was engaged to a man who had told me before that he NEVER wanted to get marriend. Well, I must have "rushed" him, we got engaged, and guess what? Two months before the wedding, and over $10,000 invested in this wedding he called it off! It's for the better now, but I don't want that to happen to anyone!!!

Now, I'm not a big reader, but did you ever read the book He's Just Not That Into You? If not, go pick it up. It's great!

Also, if you mention marriage and he says he never wants to get married, you might want to take that to heart. :( Don't bug him. If you really want to get married and have a family, you may want to look elsewhere.

Sorry. :( :( Good luck!

[BabyNicole]

I don't think you're too young to get married. I was 21 when I got married, which was over a year ago. I know people thought that I was too young to get married, but I think it is more of a maturity factor than an age factor. I am a lot more mature than almost all of my friends and it was the right time for me to get married. That does not mean that all 21 year olds are ready for marriage. Everyone is different.

Have you ever read the book or heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You which is written by one of the male writers for the show Sex In The City?? It is very enlightening! I own it and have read it cover to cover many many times. If you want to read it but don't want to go out and buy it, let me know and I'll mail you my copy. I think this book will really help you build the confidence to just straight up ask your bf if he is into you enough to get married or not. I know you are scared. But wouldn't you rather know NOW if he doesn't want to marry you so you can get on with your life than wait until you are even more invested in this relationship to find out?? If he doesn't want to put in the kind of commitment that you are willing to, you don't need to waste your time on him. I know that is hard to accept and he may not even be this way at all, but that is something that you DEFINATELY need to find out before you take your feelings and your emotions any further.

Seriously, if you want to read this book, let me know and I'll send it to you. It is SO good. It is short and to the point. You could read it in a couple of hours. It is one of Oprah's all-time favorite books. I think EVERY girl, woman, preteen, teen should read it. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Hey, I guess I should have read all the posts first b/c I recommended that book too!!! LOLOL :D

[BabyNicole]

lol i saw the comment about the cow and the milk and i say out loud "oh no i still have my milk!!!" no we dont have sex or anything like it... we are waiting until we get married... hopefully that will be together :) and its soo weird that i cant talk to him about it...its like im soo afraid that he will say that its not what he wants that i dont even want to ask! its crazy.. we really do have such open conversation about everything....except this!... i think it really streams from the fact that we arent romantic..or mushy..so we dont really sit down and say ok... we are in love lets get married. im just going to have to get up the courage and sit down and ask the question. im just terrified that he's not going to want to marry me. im 21 by the way and hes 29. i know i know all of you ladies are going to say..youre too young ... but if youve gone what i have gone through since i was 16.. you'd be ready to settle down and have babies too :)

My ex was 28 when we were going to get married. Unfortunately, a lot of men wait until there mid to late 30's. Guess they feel they are grown up now. :rolleyes: Do they ever really, though? :p

And you are still very young. Find someone who wants to marry you and treats you like the queen you are!!!

Oh, is he still a virgin too? Who's idea was to wait until marriage to have sex?

[tumblnstar]

i got the book!!!!!! and im going to have the talk tonight!!! pray for me!

[Lindsey]

Good Luck!!!!