what in the world????!

[tumblnstar]

so as most of you already know... i was having a confusing issue with my bf phil. well as im getting up the nerve (aka two glasses of wine) to sit down and have the "where are we going" talk. he BLOWS up. and not about anything to do with us and our future.

he starts by calling me lazy b/c i sleep in 15 minutes later than him and he has to take oscar outside. this is something that he brags about to everyone as in " im sucha sweet boyfriend that i take my gf's dog outside in the morning for her". and today he starts yelling about how lazy it is to sleep in until i have to get up????? im never late for work or anything... i guess he wants me to wake up at the crack of dawn and cook a 5 course breakfast?????

and then he starts yelling at me for missing work last week when my grandfather was in the hospital. first of all... you cant yell at me for that. and second of all i asked his permission and received it! at this point i just started bawling..and i NEVER cry.

then.. he starts yelling about how im the laziest person b/c i like to get 8 hours of sleep! <---- dont even know what that is???! he even had the nerve to say " you never do anything...anytime"

yes i am the girl that cooks, cleans, laundry, his bills, takes his car to the shop, fills out all his tax paperwork... and i work for him and do EVERYTHING! he shows up and thats it!... i was crushed when he said this!

so i say what about all of your clothes, food, etc? and he proceeds to say "you dont do a very good job...and i could do it better anyways"

all i could get out ...was hysterical crying and i havent spoken to him about it since. im so floored that i dont know what to do.... he is never like this... i guess he holds everything in... maybe he doesnt like me at all... kind of like the book that yall had me read.... this really sucks. just thought id get my feelings out to someone! thanks for listening!

[Willow]

Omigosh sweetie! I am at a loss as to what to say! I think you just got your answer though without having to ask it. I would say, he is very unappreciative and that you don't need to be with someone who is going to criticize you like that.

[Lindsey]

Maybe something happened to him and he just took it out on you... although I would be weary of someone who does that. Has he had outbursts before?

[Gina]

so as most of you already know... i was having a confusing issue with my bf phil. well as im getting up the nerve (aka two glasses of wine) to sit down and have the "where are we going" talk. he BLOWS up. and not about anything to do with us and our future.

he starts by calling me lazy b/c i sleep in 15 minutes later than him and he has to take oscar outside. this is something that he brags about to everyone as in " im sucha sweet boyfriend that i take my gf's dog outside in the morning for her". and today he starts yelling about how lazy it is to sleep in until i have to get up????? im never late for work or anything... i guess he wants me to wake up at the crack of dawn and cook a 5 course breakfast?????

and then he starts yelling at me for missing work last week when my grandfather was in the hospital. first of all... you cant yell at me for that. and second of all i asked his permission and received it! at this point i just started bawling..and i NEVER cry.

then.. he starts yelling about how im the laziest person b/c i like to get 8 hours of sleep! <---- dont even know what that is???! he even had the nerve to say " you never do anything...anytime"

yes i am the girl that cooks, cleans, laundry, his bills, takes his car to the shop, fills out all his tax paperwork... and i work for him and do EVERYTHING! he shows up and thats it!... i was crushed when he said this!

so i say what about all of your clothes, food, etc? and he proceeds to say "you dont do a very good job...and i could do it better anyways"

all i could get out ...was hysterical crying and i havent spoken to him about it since. im so floored that i dont know what to do.... he is never like this... i guess he holds everything in... maybe he doesnt like me at all... kind of like the book that yall had me read.... this really sucks. just thought id get my feelings out to someone! thanks for listening!

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.. In all seriousness why are you putting up with this? Read your last threads and the answers you received. Honey you need to really think this relationship through, Men do not change ...Don't expect him to change if you do marry him... You will have to change to conform to pleasing him.. Think about that...

[khardy57]

Run while you can! If he's like that now, it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine having any kind of relationship with someone who feels that way about me. Even if he was upset about something completely unrelated to your relatioship, he took it out on YOU! Do you really want that for the rest of your life?

[Mandy]

Oh girl, what are you doing? RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!! Don't allow ANY man to pull you down like that, you can get and deserve MUCH better!
Obviously he does not appreciate what you do for him, he should shame himself.
Men don't change girl, and we can't change anyone... as someone said above, you will have to change to fit he's needs if you want this to work. And honestly, you don't even want to go there!!

And honestly, i think you know the answer after you read that book ;)

Good luck, we are here for you!

[Ponyup]

From the sound of it, he's trying to get you to break up with him. He's obviously not ready to get married. His behavior is not very mature & very poor communication not good traits in a marriage. He either knew you were going to have the talk & thought I'll make her not wanna marry me or he's trying to push you away so you will break up with him (so he's not the bad guy). Either way not good husband or boyfriend material. You are very young you will find someone better that wants to love you, marry you, appreciate the things you do for him, & do things for you. Don't settle for this guy.

[Janet]

I just don't know what else to say except I'm so sorry you're going through this. :(

The good thing is.....YOU DON'T HAVE TO! :)

All of the advice these wonderful ladies have given you, should be taken to heart. You need to find a better, loving, nurturing relationship. Don't ever settle...there's always more to be found.

[tumblnstar]

holy cow! ok so as i was about to go over to his apartment and break up with phil last night...<--- i was ticked...pissed...very angry lol
he comes bursting into mine and starts crying! this is the man that doesnt even cry when a family member dies. i was scared.. i thought maybe he'd gone nuts.
well he sits down and just pours out his heart and apologizes so much i couldnt even get a word in edgewise.
he tells me that hes been so worried about his office and making money to support us that hes been making himself sick. he said that yday he got so nervous about it that he just started yelling at me for things he wasnt even mad at me for! he then proceeded to say that he appreciates me( blah blah..you know the normal.. i love you..you really are there for me) and that hes going to do things to show me that he does appreciate all the stuff i do everyday and basically he promised that we would start opening up to each other and talking about things b/c he doesnt ever want to get that upset about something again. <---hello?? why are guys so bottled up???

the really nice thing was that he opened up about everything last night.. saying that he didnt want to ask me to marry him b/c hes afraid that the office might not work out. and he wasnt talking to me about his problems b/c he didnt want me to see him in a position to where he needed help. but he did say that he values my advice and we sat down last night and made a list of all the things i think that we need to do to his office! it was great.. ive never seen him this calm and free. it was like he had a million things inside and he just couldnt say them...but finally last night he did.

thank you so much ladies for listening to me yell yday! it was horrible... but at least i was able to tell him that if it ever happens again that im leaving. now he has no excuse to hold his emotions inside :) hopefully our relationship will be even stronger now.

[Janet]

I am happy that things went well...just a word of caution..

After an abuser beats the crap out of his wife...he tells her he's sorry, loves her, don't know why he acted that way, won't happen again--------------and then it does.

[tumblnstar]

the way phil looked last night when he was talking to me.. i knew that he was sincere. but i most definately let him know that the way he spoke to me was unacceptable. and now he knows that the consequences of another outburst will be losing me. i just hope he can learn to open up and get away from the patterns of his father and childhood.

[Ponyup]

the way phil looked last night when he was talking to me.. i knew that he was sincere. but i most definately let him know that the way he spoke to me was unacceptable. and now he knows that the consequences of another outburst will be losing me. i just hope he can learn to open up and get away from the patterns of his father and childhood.


I know what you are saying, I came from a family that bottled everything up all the time. It's taken me a lot of work to get better about talking about things before they become a major issue. I still have melt downs, but I'm better. If he knows he has this problem & is willing to work on overcoming it, you should be fine, but it might take a while until the outbursts are completely gone. therapy would probably help him deal with these deep seeded issues.

[Janet]

Some couples have a "date" night, maybe you and he could have a special time every couple of days to let things out. Maybe that would help. I sincerely wish the best for you and Phil and hope you didn't take my previous post as a warning. I just wanted you to be more aware in the future. Best wishes!!!:)

[tumblnstar]

Some couples have a "date" night, maybe you and he could have a special time every couple of days to let things out. Maybe that would help. I sincerely wish the best for you and Phil and hope you didn't take my previous post as a warning. I just wanted you to be more aware in the future. Best wishes!!!:)


that is sucha good idea!! i was trying to think of a way that he could feel comfortable and sort of obligated to just let all of those emotions out and having a planned night to sit and talk is great! thanks so much! yall have been so helpful through everything and i cant tell you enough how much i appreciate it. lets just hope that phil can realize his shortcomings and i can as well.. so that we can work together and build a strong communicating relationship.

[BabyNicole]

I'm glad everything worked out for you. And you're right about men...they bottle stuff in, and then flip out. We women usually like to talk about everything as soon as it comes up. :p

[RLC12345678]

I, too, am happy that things have seemed to work out. I would still HIGHLY recommend to you read He's Just Not That Into You. I'm not saying that your bf isn't into you, but it is very enlightening.

[BabyNicole]

I, too, am happy that things have seemed to work out. I would still HIGHLY recommend to you read He's Just Not That Into You. I'm not saying that your bf isn't into you, but it is very enlightening.

I LOVE that book!! I learned soooo much! :p

[RLC12345678]

I LOVE that book!! I learned soooo much! :p


OMG! ME TOO!!!!!!!!! I had SOOOOOOOOOO many friends break up with their bf's after reading this book. Amazing and so straightforward.

[Gina]

I am happy that things went well...just a word of caution..

After an abuser beats the crap out of his wife...he tells her he's sorry, loves her, don't know why he acted that way, won't happen again--------------and then it does.


Amen sister!!

Just listen to your gut from now on , it will direct you into making the right decisions.. Good luck..

[RLC12345678]

I am happy that things went well...just a word of caution..

After an abuser beats the crap out of his wife...he tells her he's sorry, loves her, don't know why he acted that way, won't happen again--------------and then it does.


this is so true! Just please be careful and trust your instinct, even if it is telling you to do something that you don't want to do.

[Emmsmom]

I am glad things worked out for you. It sure would be nice if men came with a manual! Men are like that. I haven't met one that didn't keep at least a few things bottled up.

[tumblnstar]

I, too, am happy that things have seemed to work out. I would still HIGHLY recommend to you read He's Just Not That Into You. I'm not saying that your bf isn't into you, but it is very enlightening.


oh i definately read that book last week after you recommended it and i loved it. it allowed me to realized what i needed to speak up to phil about. it also gave me the courage to know what i want and to know that i deserve and not to accept anything less. if i give him 100% of me everyday so can he. thanks so much for the tip ... i already sent a copy to all of my sisters and friends!

[Mandy]

I am happy that things went well...just a word of caution..

After an abuser beats the crap out of his wife...he tells her he's sorry, loves her, don't know why he acted that way, won't happen again--------------and then it does.


You got that right! ;)

I just want to ad one more thing, ALWAYS listen to your "gut feeling" ... never ignore it, because that "tiny voice" is always right!!

Best wishes to you, and good luck :)

[blowry]

I am happy that things went well...just a word of caution..

After an abuser beats the crap out of his wife...he tells her he's sorry, loves her, don't know why he acted that way, won't happen again--------------and then it does.


you took the words right out of my mouth! And take it from someone who's been there...verbal and emotional abuse are the worse....sorry can only work so many times then it gets old...Men feel if they say they're sorry it makes it better..well it does if they don't do it again...if you are sorry you DON'T do it again...

[Janet]

you took the words right out of my mouth! And take it from someone who's been there...verbal and emotional abuse are the worse....sorry can only work so many times then it gets old...Men feel if they say they're sorry it makes it better..well it does if they don't do it again...if you are sorry you DON'T do it again...


EXACTLY !!!!! Of course, it should never happen in the first place!

[tumblnstar]

EXACTLY !!!!! Of course, it should never happen in the first place!


amen! i agree... and i let phil know that this was NOT something that i would put myself through.. so lets pray that he is aware and can openly talk and get his problems out in the open and not screaming them at me! if only boys were girls.... life would be easier lol

[Taurus Babe]

the way phil looked last night when he was talking to me.. i knew that he was sincere. but i most definately let him know that the way he spoke to me was unacceptable. and now he knows that the consequences of another outburst will be losing me. i just hope he can learn to open up and get away from the patterns of his father and childhood.

Gosh, just make a promise to yourself. If he EVER acts like that again, pack up and leave. PERIOD! I came from a relationship where I was yelled at, told I was worthless, abused...and then next thing I know, he's sooo sorry and he didn't mean it, and it was all due 'to his bad childhood, his dad beat him and abandoned him, mom wasn't supportive, etc." Those are terrible things, but THATS NO EXCUSE! I had to learn the hard way, and I beat myself up about it all the time for being so stupid and not leaving! It sounds so similar to your situation...I cooked, cleaned,... ...everything.

I'm sorry to be so negative, I just don't want you to get hurt...I want to help people, with the knowledge that I learned from a horrible past.

On a brighter side, I sincerely hope that he's sorry, and he didn't mean it, and that it won't ever happen again. Just be careful please!!!!