Mother-Daughter relationships

[Lindsey]

How close are you to your mom?
For me, it's not close at all. I hate to say this, but in my whole life I don't remember either of my parents giving me a hug once. When I was a teenager I pulled away pretty bad because my mom was always accusing me of being promiscuous and not doing enough schoolwork, and not having good enough grades even though I was always on the honor roll. When I actually did have sex for the first time, after dating the guy for two years, I told her and she was very surprised. But she wasted no time telling me I better not be pregnant and she would make me have an abortion if I was.
When I was 18 I was raped, and I never told her. As a result I started to cut myself and she found me one night in the bathroom after cutting a wrist with a razorblade. I didn't get a hug. I got told not to tell anyone what happened, and to never do it again.
I'm not in the profession she wants me to be in, and my grades in college aren't what she wants them to be. She has something bad to say about every guy I've dated and every friend I've ever had, even if it's just to say they're fat. Tonight she called me to let me know this is NOT the time to be getting sick when I have finals to write and I should go to school even though I'm sick, and why are my projects not done yet?
I am so jealous of my friends who are super close to their moms and can tell them anything. I envy the ones who have crossed the line from being a little kid to being a friend.

[Tink]

I'm sorry your Mom wasn't there for you like you wanted her to be. That basically sux.

My Mom is very different from me. I'm so much like my Dad that I've wondered if my Mom really had any doing in my creation. LOL As different as we are, I have to say she was/IS a good mom. She's always put family first, took her role as protector, disciplinarian and caretaker very seriously. While I can't lie and say I consider her a close friend, I do appreciate the mothering she has done.

I guess I'm different from you in that I figure Moms should stay Moms rather than become like freinds. I have friends around the globe and some who I am very close to. I have only one Mom and regardless how things are going between her and I, she is always special to me simply because she is Mom. I can call her up and confide in her when I want to. She does the same. I send her $$ each month now that she's widowed/retired and doesn't have the kind of income she's used to. When one of us is ill, the other is always there offering support and help. We would probably not ever have become friends if we weren't related, but I sure am glad she's my Mom.

[Marilyn]

My Mother was hard to please. She, too had very high expectations, and I failed in many respects. Like you, I was in National Honor Society, and she thought my grades were not good eough. I got a degree in engineering which she never understood and she definitely didn't like me working with men.

We had a strange relationship. When she and my father had arguments, I was the one who consoled her and listened to her. I knew more than I really should have about their relationship, but looking back, she did love me very much and spoiled me in many ways. I was her only child, and she expected a lot of me. As I get older, I appreciate her much more than I did when I was younger. All in all, she was a very good mom. She did the best she knew how.

My father passed away in 1995, and my mother developed dementia soon after and spend the last four years of her life in a nursing home. I visited almost every day. My daughters would do there homework there in the evenings while I fed her and read or sang to her. She passed away in 2000.

I do miss her and wish at times that I could tell her about things. Apologize for some things and ask her about others.

I know my own daughters have complaints about me. Partly because I'm probably a little more like my own mother in some ways than I would like to admit. Oh, well, we do our best.

[Kimberley]

My mother is my best friend. We didn't always be like that, though. We use to fight horribly but since I've gotten older, I accept her advice. Even now I don't always agree with what she says but I always show respect and keep it in the back of my mind. She's usually right about 99% of the time.

[Gina]

Lindsey it sounds like your mother is living her life through you. The things she never did , whether she wanted to or was diffucult for her. She is being very hard on you. I have a college daughter your age and sometimes the expectations are high, I always praised both of my children growing up when they excelled. Now that they are in college , and pursing their careers I always keep on top of them, by giving them confidence and telling them when they are stressed out that study you can do it, and they usually do pass with great grades.

Getting back to your mom she loves you but probably doesn't know how to show it. Word of advice I tell my kids , excel for yourself, do the best and at the end it will pay off. Trust me.

As for my mom, she passed away it will be 7 yrs. My mom was a sweet woman, she did the best that she could. I did a lot for her towards the end of her life, but somehow she didn't ever show appreciation. She was this way all her life, deep down she did appreciate but would never show or tell you. It was like things you did for her were expected I refuse to be this way with my kids, I do show and tell my appreciation.

Lindsey just do your best and you will preservere.... Good luck!

[Janet]

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

[Izzy'smom]

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like. My mother was not loving when my sister and I were growing up. She very rarely ever said she loved us. My dad was the loving one. He would not let us leave the house with out saying he loved us. Neither one of my parents were raised in a loving home. The father was the provider, the wife a servant and the children the co-workers. My father was not going to let his children grow up that way. My mom kind of took after her mom. My father was her everything. We always came second. My father passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He had cancer for 3 months. We took care of him at home. My sister, mother and I became very close through that. Now my mom has changed her ways. She says " I love you" every time we talk and gives hugs. She is a wonderful grandmother. My sister and my mom are my best friends now. I look at what was not the greatest when I was growing up. Then use that to better myself for my children. I hope my children learn from my mistakes, so they may do better for their children.

[Gina]

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Aww Janet, this is so sad to hear... She has and is missing out on a great relationship with you her daughter... If she is a self centered person, no matter what you do, will never be good enough. At this stage of the game you have two choices, I would just tell her point blank on how you feel. Lay all the cards on the table and tell her that you have felt hurt, maybe she never realized that she is acting this way. Was your grandmother the same way? Or just ignore it and you do realize that she is not going to change at this point and accept the relationship for what it is....

[cindy0721]

Oh gosh.. I'm sorry you don't have a close relationship with your mom... my mother and I are like best buddies... we tell each other everything.. I have 2 sisters I'm the middle one(23) my oldest sis is(39) and youngest is (15) and I am the one that takes care of my mom the most.. we go shopping and to the morning garage sales.... but like my mom says.. people are like the fingers are your hand ..different sizes and colors...

[tumblnstar]

my mother and i are not close at all... my mother and father got married when my mom got pregnant at 16 and my dad was 22... my mom was a hippie and druggie...and my dad was a con artist and prof thief... he went to jail (funny thing is he didnt even get caught doing one of his jobs...he just happened to be walking by a building that was being hit lol) my dad got saved and got out and became a pastor. well my mom stayed a drug addict (being a nurse didnt really help out) and she had a ton of medical problems..i dont really remember when she wasnt in the hospital. my mom was absolutely in love with my two sisters, one is 29 and the other 18. she did everything for them... but for some reason she hated me. we never hardly talked or did anything together. but whenever she would overdose or try to kill herself it was me who had to pick her up off the floor and hide it from my sisters and all the church people so that they wouldnt know. well my parents got divorced after 26 years of marriage and now my mom travels around still doing drugs with some guy she met and married in rehab.the last time i saw her i didnt recognize her ...she went from a former model to a crack whore looking thing. and my father married the biggest *itch in history lol... so no im not close to my mom... or my family...dont worry about it though... thats why God gave us forgiveness and the ability to love and create families of our own.

[Janet]

Aww Janet, this is so sad to hear... She has and is missing out on a great relationship with you her daughter... If she is a self centered person, no matter what you do, will never be good enough. At this stage of the game you have two choices, I would just tell her point blank on how you feel. Lay all the cards on the table and tell her that you have felt hurt, maybe she never realized that she is acting this way. Was your grandmother the same way? Or just ignore it and you do realize that she is not going to change at this point and accept the relationship for what it is....


If I was to tell her how I feel, she would just cry. And well, the past is the past. She's 83 and isn't about to change at this age. It's just something I'll have to live with and pray it can get better.

[Emmsmom]

I was NEVER close to my mother. I have no idea where to begin to explain. She was very mentally abusive and towards the end she began to get physically abusive. She has always tried to cause me problems. She has spread so many lies about many it isn't even funny. She doesn't like my husband for anything. So needless to say family get togethers DO NOT happen. On top of it all she has never ever seen my daughter in person. (my choice) I think she may have seen pictures but that is all. I have also not spoken to her in at least 10 years. I don't trust her and to be hoenst I don't even like her. Sad huh! I miss not having a mother. Hell I miss not having a father too. My bio father gave up rights and my so called step father died a long time ago. So.....needless to say I ahve no relationship with my mother.

[Yorkie Lover]

I had a great relationship with my Mom and it only got better through the years ... We always did things together and she was always proud of my achievements. On her death bed she told me that I always made her proud.

Now I have a daughter and I love her dearly. I never let her leave the house without a hug and kiss. I alwayz tell her she looks pretty (well, she does) ... she alwayz asks me to help her pick out her clothes for a date! (I call it "dressing my Barbie doll").

Last night we were talking and she told me of something I did that she will never forget (I had forgotten) ... seems when she was in high school she cut a class. At the end of the day the teacher saw her and asked her why she wasn't in class. She came up with some excuse about feeling ill, going home, and then realizing she left her jacket so she came back for it.

She told me last night that she stayed on the phone that whole night so that the teacher could not get through.

AHA! The next morning the phone rang at 7:30AM.. It was her teacher ... the teacher told me about the incident to which I responded, "Whatever my daughter told you is the truth."

Then I went in to her room and asked, "What did you do?" she said she learned that families stick together and then discuss things privately.

BTW, I am a schoolteacher myself. She is my pride and joy.
Her dad passed away on her 8th birthday!

[Janet]

I would love to have a relationship like that with my mother. It's just not going to happen. I do love her, but it's just too hard. You can only be criticized and told you're wrong so many times before you start backing away. That's what I've done.

[DianaB]

I wish that my relationship with my mother was better. I know that she loves me and is proud of me, but doing Mother/Daughter things together has never happened.

I see my Mom at church every Sunday and usually have a few words with her or we might go out to eat a couple of times a year or so. We almost always see her on holidays (She is remarried and has holidays with her step-children too)

My Mom has 5 sisters and they all get together for different things and my Mom goes shopping and does girl things with them, but she never feels the need to do them with me. They even have a week long vacation every year together.

I sound like such a whiner but I've really learned that this is how my Mom is and I've learned to accept it. I feel that she is the one that misses out on having a relationship with me. I try to have a better relationship with my daughters than my Mom has with me. It does help that I have wonderful relationships with some of my aunts.

My Mom has always worked and we always had a nice and clean home. I mean a home that was much nicer than my friends had. A while back I went to a distant relatives house after a funeral and it made me realize how much my Mom had done for me growing up. I always had nice clothes and for Christmas I almost always got what I wanted (except for the Chatty Cathy doll, remember?). The next time I saw my Mom I hugged her and let her know how much I appreciated all of her hard work for us. She is a good Mom she just shows it in a different way.

[khardy57]

I would love to have a relationship like that with my mother. It's just not going to happen. I do love her, but it's just too hard. You can only be criticized and told you're wrong so many times before you start backing away. That's what I've done.


I hate that for you Janet. As a teenager, I had my trials and tribulations with my mother, but I've always known that when I had nobody else, I had my Mama and Daddy. They've always been there for me and I don't know what I'd do without them.

[Lindsey]

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like.

My mom had 9 brothers and sisters. For that reason I'm not sure how close she was to her mom, although they seem to get along now. Maybe the closeness she never had in her family is preventing her from getting close to her own family.

Janet - I feel the same as you do. I've tried my hardest to make my mom LIKE me but after being criticized for everything, I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to live my own life, and I've pulled away a lot. I moved 4.5 hours away from home and I only see her 2 or 3 times a year.

[Tink]

My Mom and oldest daughter came today and took me out to lunch for my birthday. After, Mom and I went Christmas shopping together. She had been all depressed thinking she wasn't going to be able to buy gifts for anyone this year, so I handed her some cash and said "lets go!" We both had a nice time, and she was delighted to be able to get a good start on her gift shopping. She's a very giving person, so being able to do this means a lot to her. When she tries to object about taking money from me, I simply tell her it's payback for all the help and babysitting she's done for my kids over the years, etc. She accepts that and says the help means more than she can express.

I enjoy being able to help her out now, and was glad to spend time with her today. Because I have a friend who manages a Dollar General store, I keep updated on when there are the best buys and was able to help her get some real steals today. This kind of day makes her and I both feel good.

[Marilyn]

Isn't motherhood tough. It's hard to know when you're doing too little or too much. Sometimes I try so hard to do something nice for my daughters, then I see a blog I'm not supposed to be able to see or hear one of them say something that they did not intend for me to hear, and I realize that what I did was not received in the spirit that I meant it. They think I'm overreacting sometimes with I'm showing sincere concern. If I did not react as I did, they would probably think that I didn't care. It's just very hard. I know they appreciate me and know they are loved. They each like to hang out with me at times, so hopefully I'm doing a good enough job that they won't be on here in a few years complaining about what a mess I was. They tell me I'm a great mom, but then would they tell me to my face if they didn't think so? I just hope I'm doing better than my mother did. I think I'm doing way better, but only time will tell. (Sorry my posts are so long. It just takes a lot of words sometime, and I'm a very fast typer.)

[Janet]

Don't get me wrong ladies....I know my Mom loves me, I have no doubt!! AND I do love her. It's just our personalities I guess. I'm more worried and concerned for other people and it's the opposite with my mom. She comes first then everyone else.

She has 6 grandkids. Only bought them something at Christmas. Never invited them to spend the day/night with her. It's always what someone can do for her, especially if it cost money. She has enough to not have to worry, but it's for her. She said that "they have parents to buy for them." We just don't see things, life the same way.

IF I ever need her...she's always right there. BUT she never lets you forget it either.

It's not like this is something new....she has always been this way..more so after my father passed in '73.

Myself....I don't want to have any regrets, although I'm sure I'll have some. If I lived my life like my mother...I would have so many regrets.

[Carolyn]

My mother is my best friend. She has always been there for me and I know I put her through hell in my teens. But now we're so close. We see each other all the time since she moved near me.

[Kimberley]

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Hugs to you, Janet. I'm sorry that your mother is this way and has treated you poorly. You are a really nice person...(maybe you got your personality from your dad.;) ) Hang in there...something in her life has made her not-so-friendly...maybe her parents???

[Janet]

I am very much like my dad...LOL I don't know how he and my mother got together. He was so easy going and oh so funny. I use to feel so sorry for him when Mom would get on one of her tirades. No matter what "story" dad would tell some one, some of the facts may have been wrong (which really didn't matter) would be pointed out by my mother. She always had to be right.

Like I said, we do love each other. Mom would like us to be closer just as I would, but she'll never change and as it is, it's just too toxic for me. I would hate to tell her exactly how I feel, like someone suggested earlier, but if something were to happen to her, I would hate to have that on my mind. So, I will continue to love her, but at a little bit of a distance.

[RLC12345678]

My mother and I are very close. However, when I was growing up, she made sure I knew that she was my "mother" and not my "friend." Now that I am pretty much grown, we are now more like friends. I talk to her on the phone AT LEAST once a day. I love going home to see her. She said that she and my dad will move whereever my hubby and I settle and she will take care of my children for me while I work. :)

[Miss_Sara]

I don't think people should be actual friends with their parents until they are moved out and living an entirely different life
before that, they should be taking care of you!

I have a horrible relationship with my mother
I honestly can say that she will not have a lot ot do in my life
she is selfish, and never cared about being a mother
it's as if she got pregnant at 16, even though she was 26
men are always #1 and she would have men "spend the night" constantly.

It just angers me to even think about it
I hope I can be an amazing mother despite this, when the time comes.

She never disciplined me, at 12 years old I was already partying into the wee hours of the morning, without a word from her.

I really urge parents to be strict witht heir children, in the long term they WILLL DEFINITLY REALIZE that you were being a good parent, even if it's a fight at the time... but if you just give in and let them do whatever they want, they might end up resenting the fact that you were never the adult....


I'm sorry so many have been through bad experiences :(
hopefully we're all able to learn from this, and become stronger people, and better moms ourselves!

[Brooke]

Well I was abused as a kid...my parents divorced and my Dad wound up just not calling one day. We didn't know if he was alive or dead for many years. it turned out he was alive and he came back into our lives for a long time then left again!!!

My Mom beat the living daylights out of my sisters and I...She was alos loving when we were little. She had a terrible temper so we never knew what would set her off...never knew if she was gonna TURN or not. It was like walking on egg shells.

To my mom I was so pretty and smart at times, but other tiems a stupid, moron, idiot, dope... No wonder my self estem has been so screwed up!!!

As teens my sisters and i never got hugs... never got an I LOVE YOU... I think once we got older she didn'tknow how to show her love. The good thing was she stopped beating us as teens too!

My Mom has ALWAY manipulted me and my sisters... As adults we deal with guilt trips. She tries to tell us what to do and how to do it. She got sick about 10 years ago and was ordering me around like crazy... Soemthing snapped in me and I have not been the same since. Now when she pushes I back away. I dont call often and she seems to know now I have my limit as far as what I will put up with. I know she thinks I am a horrible daughter for not taking better care of her but I don't care.. I have to take care of myself first...

The up side of all this is I am SO close to my kids. My daughter is 18 and my son is 22. They get tons of hugs all the time. I love yous overflowing. WE talk about every little thing and I tell them how wonderful and smart they are and I mean it! I think having the bad childhood I did has made me a much better parent and I don't know if I would change it if I could... My heart goes out to the underdog because I am one... I am compasionate and loving and giving because of what I went through as a kid and that really can't be ALL BAD! You always gotta look for the good in the tough times!!! :D

[Brooke]

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!

[Janet]

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!


Isn't it strange Brooke how both you and I were honest about our childhood and mother and then repost, basically saying the same thing, that we knew we were loved and vice versa. We still have this guilt at times as adults. I don't feel near as guilty as I use to. I've made peace with how things were and I think that helped ease some of the guilt. It wasn't our fault. It's just how it was. I think it made both of us who we are today and I think we're pretty darn good mothers, friends and daughters, in spite of it all.

[khardy57]

Brooke and Janet:

I read your posts and all I can say is you both turned out well. Brooke is close to her children and so are you, Janet. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason so maybe that's what made you both the good people you are today.

Maybe seeing the mistakes that your mothers made helped you both to be better mothers because you aren't repeating those behaviors.

God bless you both

Kim

[Brooke]

Isn't it strange Brooke how both you and I were honest about our childhood and mother and then repost, basically saying the same thing, that we knew we were loved and vice versa. We still have this guilt at times as adults. I don't feel near as guilty as I use to. I've made peace with how things were and I think that helped ease some of the guilt. It wasn't our fault. It's just how it was. I think it made both of us who we are today and I think we're pretty darn good mothers, friends and daughters, in spite of it all.


Yeah Janet,

I think that the Lord has a way of taking the bad and working it for good...In this case we turned out to be good Mom's and that is worth everything to me! I don't feel as guilty any more either... I think it must be an age thing...LOL