4WomenTalk Forums Community for Women - Funny Quote for the Day.

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- - Funny Quote for the Day. (http://www.4womentalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4737)

~Thursday~May 15th~Quotes~

Blessed are the cheesemakers for they shall get their whey.

Daytime TV is incentive to get a job.

Monday's special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

We cannot learn and appear perfect at the same time.

No one ever stood out for being the same.

The more you know, the less you learn.

It's always something and it's generally expensive.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Never argue with your doctor. He has inside information.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.

What if your mother really IS right..... about everything?

Reality is just where our worlds overlap.

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Taxes, taxes, taxes. . . I thought this was the land of the free!

~Friday~May 16th~Quotes~

Examples of Murphy's Law

Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
The other queue always moves faster.
In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove that you don't need the money.
The classic example of Murphy's law: If you drop a piece of toast it always falls buttered side down.

~Saturday~May 17th~Quotes

Husbands' Quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

I have really enjoyed reading all these jokes and one liners. Some are so funny, others are surprisingly true....LOL

I've enjoyed them too. Thanks, Kat!!!

Sunday~May 18th~Quotes

Cute Quotes

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
- Arnold Glasow

If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.
- Erma Bombeck

The best blush to use is laughter: It put roses in your cheeks and in your soul.
- Linda Knight

Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn’t evolve for another million years. They’re afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
- Jay Leno

Once you get people laughing, they’re listening and you can tell them almost anything.
- Herbert Gardner

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.
- Ethel Barrymore

Good one Kat. I think we all need to laugh more. Of course 4WT helps with that doesn't it?

Sarcastic Quotes.

~Monday~May 19th~Quotes~

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She's the first in her family born without tail.

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?

You are not even beneath my contempt.

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.

Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.

You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

I really liked the laughter quotes!! Actually they're all good but the laughter ones are the best!!

~Tuesday~May 20th~Funny Quotes (for Diana)

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Sunday~May 25th~Quotes

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Bob Hope

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Ronald Reagan

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
Albert Einstein

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
Tommy Lasorda

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Jim Wohford

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
-Homer J. Simpson

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Bill Cosby

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein

Kat, you come up with some really good stuff!!! Thanks!!!!