Originally Posted by celstu1 (Post 76118)

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Originally Posted by bettyboop (Post 76172)

Your relationship sounded a lot like mine except except for the emotional abuse.. i guess ive been thinking a lot like you.. with the "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this" but the thing is i know he really does.. hes done things like come to my place like 3 in the morning to help me because i was so lost on what to do even though he had to get up early the next day.. things like that. but then he goes around with the physical stuff which totally throws me off guard.

the thing with my family.. its so bad.. honestly its one of those messed up things you only hear on oprah.. i could never tell my friends, not even my best friends.. not because they arent good friends but its too much of a burden for them to know. plus my family has a good reputation- well known, well off.. theres no way id let ppl know. and im NOT making excuses.. i wouldnt mind telling it to a therapist but definitely not my friends. they have been bugging me about it for a long time but yeah.. i would like to go to a therapist to talk it out about some things but i really am trying to save up money to move out of my house (away from my family) first and there is no way i can do it while affording a therapist.

so i dont know right now.. my emotions are still running everywhere.. i am definitely at least taking a break from him for the time being. thanks for sharing your story.. its giving me a different perspective on things.

Originally Posted by celstu1 (Post 76185)

I am very glad you are listening to everyone and their stories and opinions. Its important to see this from all angles. I think that in your case, as well as mine, there is a fine line between love and obsession. Make sure its love.

Him coming at 3am does not constitute love, my ex did wonderful things for me through the years, but the overall picture told a different story. I guess in his own messed up way he loved me. He probably loved me more than he'll ever love anyone else, but still not enough to sustain a relationship forever. Make sure you SEE this.

After we broke up, I bought my own house, new car, am back in college to finally finish my degree. He bought me a coach pocketbook one time (nice right??) and then said "it will probably be the only one you'll ever have cuz you can't afford them" ... haha well I have 3 now, and 2 I bought myself. Thats not the point though I guess his 'presents and gifts and kindnesses' came at a cost to my self-esteem. Back then I thought "Hes so great to do this for me or that for me" but looking back I realized all I had to put up for those little moments of kindness.

I met a GREAT guy earlier this year, we've been together 8 months now. Hes PERFECT for me. I LOVE HIM sooo much I can't picture my life without him. YET, i know if he were to walk I wouldn't die. I wouldn't fall apart. He is not my other half, he does not complete me. I took MANY MANY years to complete myself. He makes me stronger, he makes me kinder, he makes me softer, he accentuates ME. He makes my life BETTER. I make my life whole and complete. This is sooo important (in my opinion) to remember. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to people. Two wholes make a healthy, happy, wonderful relationship! Become whole on your own. Realize your worth. When yo do that and you still want this guy, then go for it. But if he does not improve on himself while you do then you won't want him anymore, guarantee that! :) (((HUGS)))

Originally Posted by HALEY (Post 76698)

bettyboop - just checking in to see how you are doing today?

Originally Posted by bettyboop (Post 77548)

hey im doing better thanks.. been taking a long break from everything.. thanks for asking :)