sexless relationships
 

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

I don't have an answer for you but do have a few possibilities as to why and some suggestions. I'm not sure how old your husband is or his health but I do know that some medications effect the sex drive as well as the ability. Is he on any blood pressure or diabetic meds? A lot will effect the ability to perform and a lot of men will not admit that they just can't so instead they will avoid it. If it's not that you can't ignore too that he may have an interest on the side. Some may not agree with that oppinion but from experience I know that when a man does not have an interest he is either getting it some where else (or) something is effecting his ability or want which in a lot of cases is medications and or alcohol too. I would have a heart to heart with him and try to get some answers. Don't let him blow you off - ask him straight out questions and make sure you get open honest answers. Elaine

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

Medicines do make a difference so you might want to check them first for any problems. I know that I've had medicine affect me like that and I changed meds.

I know that for me if we're not getting along I don't get in the "mood" either. I don't want to make love to someone that I'm upset with.

I think that Elaine gave some pretty good advice and I agree with her. A good counselor may be in order for you two.

Looks like Elaine and Diana have the answers here. Very good advice. If his answer is true..well, it would be hard to want to be with someone that you fight with all the time.

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

Sex goes through phases, sometimes can't keep hands off one another and sometimes can't get schedules to line up. It is one of the perks of the relationship, not the most important aspect. But a very good example of why you had better to be able to stand the person you will be looking at for the next 60+ years lol

Just try to reconnect, keep it fresh, and impulsive. Tell him to take out his frustrations in some great make up sex, or invest in a toy or two if that is the sort of thing for you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to do, or just take it upon yourself to take control and surprise the both of you with some different moves or positions. This will not only ignite the passion again, but empower you with your own sexuality and femininity. If you are confident, he will pick up on that and it will make you more irresistible.

Rejection is never easy, but neither is sex when you are not in the mood. It is something special you share with the one you love, so I can see why he would feel that way about "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak.
I think it is so nice that you guys respect each other enough to say no not right now, and leave it at that.

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

I would give him attention if he would help me with the baby after work and not sit on his butt and watch tv or drink beer.. that might help... He's just lazy and he's getting worse... Like back in Feb. we got new doors for the house, and one of them are still in the box, but if one of his friends call and need something he is out the door in a heartbeat and i don't think its fair, im busting my ass off to make our home look nice and he does nothing to try and help me... i use all MY extra money (bonuses) on the house,, and he don't appreciate it.. i should of left him in his crappy apartment with the lifestyle he had running to the bars everyday spending his paychecks....

awww, Haley I'm so sorry you are going through this. Was your husband like this before you had the baby, or is this a new behavior? Maybe he is overwhelmed by the thought of fatherhood. Some men also can't see their wives as a sexual partner after watching them give birth.

I know you say you don't have the time or interest in counseling, but I encourage you to rethink that. You married this man only 2 years ago....you must have loved him then. For the sake of your son, you need to work very, very hard to save your marriage. If you can't go for counseling right now, let me suggest an exercise that I learned from a parenting class I took years ago.

EVERY day you need to write down 3 things you admire or love about your husband. You don't have to share it with anyone, just write it down. Then, whenever you have a negative thought about him, you immediately replace it in your mind with a positive one. With the way you are feeling right now, it won't be easy in the begining. But you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature.

You can't change him, but you can change how YOU feel about what is going on. Marriages go in cycles, you are juggling a child, a home and a job. (and I know Michal has been sick lately too) Try to take some couples time. Hire a babysitter and get out of that house with him. If you can't afford a babysitter then find a friend willing to swap sitting time. You don't have to do anything expensive. Take a walk in a park. Go for an ice cream cone. Go sit inside the church you were married in. Just do it together and do it often......no kids allowed.

The library is full of books with suggestions on how to improve your relationship. Don't give up yet. It will be worth all of the effort I know it will!

Thanks Terri, it started right after we got married and found out i was pregnant!
Then the family came into the picture and there just terrible pushy people that wanted to rule my life and family, and i put my foot down after a year of there abuse and them telling me how to raise my son.
Lately he's been helping with with things, but the last couple of months he's gone down hill again, it's a fight everytime i even ask him to take out the garbage or even cut the grass, i actually have to tell him to cut the grass, That sould not be my job... he could see the grass needs cut.. He use to wash my truck he don't even do that anymore, i'm stuck with everything, he invites his friends over and they sit outside all night and drink beer. It's overwhelming to me.. i have a job and house a baby and two dogs to take care of, plus i have to pick up after him.
He cooked himself dinner last night around 9 when we were sleeping and you should have seen the kitchen this morning, and i had to clean it up before work..
I didn't even eat dinner last night. its just not fair....

Sounds like he needs an intervention! It sucks to have "two children" I'm sure. Maybe you need to use some tough love. Leave his mess in the kitchen and let him clean it up when he gets home. Don't pick up after him. Let the garbage stay in the kitchen, just start a new bag. Maybe, just maybe he'll catch on. Sounds like he is looking at you as "mommy" and not just to Micah! I'm really sorry you are going through this. Some guys never do grow up unfortunately.

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Teri, it's a really good soap box to be on. You're always so helpful and compassionate.

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...

:bravo: :thankyou: :goodpost:
I was just giving my younger sister similar advice on the same subject the other night, sounds as if you and your husband are just as stubborn as she and her fiance. She is very aggressive and in your face, to the point of being a nag and he runs away. But more importantly, they both HAVE to be right and point fingers in the other direction.

You all need to take a step back and own your roles in this war. Learn the delicate balance. Why would you want to live daily hurting the person you love most?

It's not worth it. Gotta pick your battles and learn to let some things slide.

I am sure he was always the same man from the day you fell in love with him, your annoyance with him is only emphasizing the less desirable traits. Knock it off lol You know who you married.

Terri i wish i could do that but Micah or the dogs would get into it, and he knows i'm a neat freak... He use to live like a pig when he was single, only cleaned when mommy dearest was coming over for a visit...

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

oh, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought you meant that he was in your bed all of the time. The girl I babysat for had the baby in their bed every single night. She didn't even own a crib! ok, back to my previous suggestion: Kick him in the butt!

He has a crib and his own room right next to mine, oh but i do love to sleep with him, he can crash in my bed anytime, i use to sneak and get him when he was first born on Saturdays when Mike went to work and on the weekends for cat naps, or when he gets scared or not feeling good he's in bed with me, but everynight he goes to sleep in his bed, and sometimes he wakes up in my bed :D
But i don't mind, i only have one child and i'll miss these days one day!
Just like at night i can rock him for hours...

We'll the last time i got a babysitter for us to go out and have a good time together he invited his friends, so i don't bother anymore with that it was a waste of money! they even called us when were eatting dinner, so i sat and ate my dinner while he talked on the phone, very romantic hun !

Haley, here are some things I'd say to you - if you were my daughter. Do your friends ever come around? Does any of Mike's friends have S.O.s? Girl, you need to jump right in the middle of his friends and family. Get over the hurt you've been through in the past and start living towards a future together or apart. You knew he had the debts, family, and friends when you dated and married him. Marriage is only 50/50 because it takes two. Some days you do 90% and some days you do 10% - that's life. Suck it up or spit it out!

PS: I have a daughter who seems to have a rotten marriage. Problem is: I see her doing as much or more to spoil the marriage as the hubby does. She nags at him for not making enough money, spending too much money, to find another job, to take the trash out, to help her with the kids, etc. She feels that caring for the kids (neither of which he wanted) is all she really has to do. When she nags, he takes off to go do what he wants to - party and play poker. She admits that she "thought she could change him". All this while she had to drive a Lexus SUV, can't shop at Wal-Mart, and lost $40K on the big house that they couldn't afford.

I'm not sure what my point is except that it sounds like Mike's the man you loved enough to marry. You need to decide what YOU can do to make your marriage work.

Hugs,

sexless relationships
 

Sounds as if he is depressed, drinking beer and in the garage alone.
:eek:

Haley, I received an amazing letter from my Matron of Honor and her husband just before Brendon and I got married. There are so many wonderful pieces of advice...I'm just going to post the whole thing for you and you can take from it what you will. Keeping these things in mind has really helped our marriage grow and prosper. Of all the "wedding and marriage advice" I received, this is what I still hold close to my heart when I think of how I want my marriage to be.

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed. Emmie slept with us till she was 3. There are other ways of staying close to your husband. A bed is just a bed and you still have the whole house to play and spend some alone time together after he goes to sleep. We use to pile blankets up in the living room and sleep in there. Yeah we were kicked out of our own bed but so what. I thought it was fun. I truly miss those times.
We lost power the other night and piled blankets up in the livingroom. With Emmie at camp this week we enjoyed it and it brought back some fun memories.

They grown up so fast. I am younger than some here but I am still very much old fashioned except when it comes to this. I had my family tell me that we would ruin our marriage. Yet we are going on our 14th Anniv. I don't think that alone will ruin a relationship. There are many other factors to consider.

TO be honest if I were in Haley's shoes and Micah was my son I wouldn't be doing anything differently. They are only little once and like Haley I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. I think maybe letting Micah stay with grandma for the weekend would give you a good chance to sit and talk. That way there wouldn't be any distraction.

Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Haley I hope you guys can work things out. ((HUGS))

Not attacking you, just sharing my side of the argument....


http://www.sidscenter.org/SafeSleep/...Clock.html#bed
Bed Sharing
The issue of sleeping with your baby is complicated. The evidence suggests that bed sharing with your baby can increase the risk of SIDS and suffocation. An alternative to bed sharing is to place the baby’s crib near your bed to allow for more convenient feeding and contact. Consider returning the baby to the crib after feeding.

IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking alcohol, or taking drugs/medicines that may make you sleepy, or are excessively tired, do not bring your baby into bed with you to sleep.

If you choose to share a bed with your baby, the following safety measures are recommended:

Protect your baby by using the back sleep position, avoiding soft surfaces or loose covers, and moving the bed or furniture away from the wall to prevent the baby from becoming trapped. Make sure your baby’s head remains uncovered during sleep.

Make sure the baby sleeps on a mattress that is firm. The baby’s face can get stuck in soft bedding and she might not be able to breathe.

If you choose to bed-share routinely you should consider removing the mattress and placing it on the floor in the middle of the room, thereby helping to prevent the baby from falling or becoming trapped.


It also gives me the willies to think of a child sharing our marital bed. Who knows what kind of yuck is around there... I certainly don't change my sheets every single day. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave my child unattended in that wide open space and enjoy myself on the floor in the other room.

Not unless there were protective rails, and the bed was pretty much stripped...
I watched an episode of HBOs Autopsy- Ask Dr. Baden where it was determined after going over all the evidence a woman was responsible for 3 of her infants accidental deaths without even being aware when it was happening.
She was such a heavy sleeper, she had either rolled, or hadn't heard the babies smothering in the blankets. She was devastated and he explained to her, it is one of the most common factors in infant death.

Even more so years ago, before the crib was invented.

Well I won't argue with you on this point. Not sure if you have children but before I had a baby I thought the very same thing as far as the dangers. As far as the "Yuck" in the bed. Well to be honest that is just plain nasty and I can assure you that "Yuck" was never in my bed. When you have a baby you ahve to make sure everything in the house is clean. I only posted to let Haley know from one Mom to another that she was not alone in her beliefs. As far as enjoying myself on the floor and leaving her unattended.... Not sure what you are trying to imply and I really don't care. My child grew up very healthy and very independent. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have changed a thing.

If you look at this link you will see that many other doctors will disagree with you.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading..._slepping.html

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna's research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates

I wasn't trying to offend you, though it looks as though it's a little too late.
I am sorry if I chose the wrong wording. I wasn't implying anything, other than I am a worrier and I would have a hard time relaxing a room or two away knowing the drop from the bed to the floor. Just my take on parenting is all.

Doctors have been known to give bad advice. I have heard it is good for bonding, heart beats etc...There is a time for bonding, but what the hell bonding are you doing in your sleep? I would rather wrap my arms around the man I love with our baby bed side than be up all night worrying if the baby is alright, where is the baby, don't wake the baby etc. Plus I wouldn't want to develop any habits. I have seen enough of my siblings mistakes in parenting through observing to know that the parents create some of the problems for the kids because they have problems letting go and assuming the role of disciplinarian rather than friend.
And your relationship with your husband is supposed to be kept healthy as an example to your children. Boundaries need to be set.

And as far as yuck in the bed being nasty, that "yuck" is what made your child.
I just don't want to chance my kid, or anyone else climbing in our bed. And have you ever seen them use black lights in motel rooms? Human waste is EVERYWHERE.

I appreciate the lesson on parenting, and no I don't have my own kids as of today, but I am also not clueless as to how cleanly the house needs to be. I have 7 nieces and nephews in my care since I was about 13 years old.

Sorry, I still don't think the marital bed is any place for a child.
Like you said, we can't all agree but thanks for the condescending tone though it didn't sway my opinion in the least... I was starting to forget what it felt like to be unwelcome here because of voicing an opinion same as everyone else is allowed to do.

Cripe.

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

Elaine, i do believe you are right on this one, we both are unhappy. The only thing keeping us together right now is Micah.. Just like this weekend My family and i are planning on going to Kennywood for the day, i asked him if he was going and he said well see, even my mother asked whats wrong with him, she asked if we did anything together at all and sadly i said No...

As for me sleeping with Micah, i knew from day one the risks of sleeping with an infant, but i couldn't help it, the closeness you feel, just watching him sleep, i loved it and if i had another kid I would have done the same thing, as i said before he don't sleep with me everynight, just when he wakes up in the middle of the night i put him in bed with me for comfort cause that's what he is use to.
Heck the doctors even told me not to put him on his stomach when putting him to bed, but i did and he survived. He slept longer that way.
I bet all you ladies are wonderful parents we just do what our motherly insticts tell us to do, and i am comfortable sleeping with my child i also love to rock him for hours just looking at him, while some of my friends just stuff a bottle in there kids crib to shut them up when they wake up in the middle of the night, or put a baby to bed crying, I can't do that! I love the closeness that i have with my son and he knows that to, when he's not feeling good or falls and gets a bump the first words out of his mouth are Ma-Ma, and that my friends makes me feel good. My mother raised us 3 kids the same way, sometimes all three of us were in bed with her, but we all still have that closeness with our mother today. My mother never let us cry, and if we got up in the middle of the night, you bet she was there to comfort us. I give my mom alot of credit raising three kids by herself cause my dad was no help he worked two jobs and was never home with us. Plus my mom had a parttime job when we attended school.
As for the Yuk, i don't have to worry about that one, plus i wash my bedsheets twice a week cause i also sleep with two dogs, i have a community bed!

I don't think it was/is wrong to post information that could be helpful to the OP in her current situation. That's what this board is all about, right?

Parenting is a subject that no two people are ever going to agree on every aspect, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to post your thoughts and opinions and back it up.

Haley, you sound like such a wonderful mom! Micah is very, very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, it just sucks! One thing is for sure, if Mike isn't interested in making the marriage work, then nothing you do will save it. It does take two. I feel sorry for him, he is really missing out. I guess you need to sit down and really find out where he is mentally and what he wants to do going forward. I hope you can save the relationship, but I know you will do what is right for you and for Micah, whatever that turns out to be. {{{hugs}}}

Thanks Terri, i try to be a good mom, Micah is the world to me! He's what is keeping me going today.
As for Mike were going to have a couple of days off, i'll try and talk with him again when i calm down some, really don't feel like talking to him right now. What everyone said here is so true, marriage does and will have its ups and downs, like a yo-yo.. Were just going thru the downs right now, and i know having a child stuck in the middle of this is very stressfull, but one thing for sure we do not argue in front of him, that is my #1 rule in the house and Mike knows it. Cause i did call the cops before and have Mike removed from the house, will NOT put up with that. I have to stop nagging him to, i do everything around the house and it looks like its going to be that way until he wakes up or moves out.
I'm going to make a list this weekend of his responsiblities and mine and hang it on the fridge, that way that should stop some nagging, his list is very small compared to mine. His is
make sure the dogs have food/water before you leave for work ( i do this 1/2 the time)
Take out the garbage ( i do this 1/2 the time too)
cut the grass..
clean up after yourself!
Help with Micah when needed!
This is all i'm asking of him....
You would think this would be an easy list but i even do these things.
You don't even want to see my list... But i hope this helps some.
I'm just going to relax these couple days off, spend the time with my son, hopefully take him to Kennywood if it don't rain.. and go to the pool.
And when i do calm down, i'll have a talk with Mike and see what he wants to do.
and where our relationship stands.

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

Tink you word things so well !

My husband would flip out if I "made him a list". I made lists for my children, not my husband. Our trash gets carried out by whoever gets to it first. Our bed gets made by whoever gets ready for work first. Our dogs get carried out by whoever gets to the door first. I mow the yard if he's feeling bad or working late. He mops the floor if I'm feeling bad or sidetracked. We pickup after each other and our children and their children and our parents and our friends. We talk and make lists TOGETHER for extra (out of the norm) things that need to be done. WE DON'T KEEP SCORE!

PS: WE raised four children, while working outside the home! Only our first baby slept with us (for almost four years) until the second one was born.

Well Sandy i guess your one of the lucky ones you have a good husband that helps you, i don't. he does nothing at home.. i do it all....