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I'm so sorry you've had such a painful loss.
I agree with the other ladies that you need to seek out a therap[ist. It doesn't mean you're weak or sick, just that you need some help working your way through what had to be a very traumatic ordeal. Your Mom might benefit from it too if she sees it's helped you. Grief is so hard... please use whatever tools you can find to help you through.
HUGS
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'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.'
England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair'
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