[Shada]

I am such a mess right now.

I was stupid. Very stupid. I made a huge mistake in letting a co-worker into my personal life. Something I do not believe in, have never done before.. but this guy was good. He wormed himself into my life believing he was special..

A litttle background. I have worked at the same place for over 20 years. Never have I gotten involved with anybody I work with. Seen too many office romances that are public and people talking about.. never did I want to have myself a a part of that discussion. Never. Many people I work with jump from man to man, or woman to woman, and continue on.. sick to me. There is one person who is known as the company 'whore' for lack of a better word. She is married, but has, and will, sleep with anyone who pays her any attention. Many men. She has no morals, sex to her is just a game. And she plays a lot of games.

Now my story.

A new man got a job, management position. His home is 3 1/2 hours away. He stayed in town to work during the week and went home for weekends. Very private man. Daily he came to me and spoke.. over little things, just making polite conversation, but over time, approx. 9 months, I started to think this guy was different from anyone I had known before and I would like to get to know better.

So, against my better judgement, I asked him if I would be out of line to ask him over for dinner. He accepted my invitation, and we had a wonderful evening speaking of our lives, what we believed in, what we wanted out of life..
and it started. For the past year and a half I have been seeing him. I fell in love. Totally unlike anything I have felt before.

But remember, this was work related. He was in top management. Our relationship had to be hid because of his position. Prior to seeing him, I had not been in any type of relationship for 3 years. I do not believe in a casual relationship, casual sex.. for me feelings have to be there, and it had been years since I had cared for anyone. I had not even dated, and he knew this.

The company 'whore' had been chasing after him since day one. We spoke of her. He was the one to bring her up. He told me how she would call him, stop over to ask him if 'he wanted company' and he would slam the door in her face.. hang up on her when she called.. He hated her. So he said. I hated her for continueing to try to seduce him. Thought she finally found the one guy who turned her down and she would not give up.. and I had to work with her and hear from others about how she wanted him..and I could say nothing. Because I was living this big secret with him, loving him, and not telling anyone because of his position.

Then.. he lost his job.
He left town, went back to his home town.. did not call me. I called him.. never returned my calls.

I started hearing rumors. About him and her. I spoke to her. Oh she gladly told me, for she had heard rumors about him and I. Rumors that I had denied for I wanted to protect his job. His image. She told me how she had been seeing him for the last 2 years. Having sex with him. She told me how she had sex with him at least twice a week, then she would go home to her husband.

So there is a very good chance that he had sex with her, then came to my home.
That makes me so sick... to think he would do that.. could do that.. when I had no idea.. and I invited him into my home not knowing!!

I emailed him with the information she gave me, he told me it was a stupid rumor, he would not respond to a 'she said' then he basically told me his personal life was none of my business, and he wished for me to have a long fulfulling life.

I have heard nothing from him since. It has been over a month, and I know I will never hear from him again. I have not, and will not, try to contact him again.

But oh how I hurt. I love this man. I have to go to work daily looking at this woman, seeing images I do not want to think about.. I see her, and think about him with her....
and I cannot get him out of my mind.

I truly thought he was special. Honest. A man of character. What a fool I was.


Oh, he was special all right. He taught me a huge life lesson. One I hope to never repeat.

So here I am, alone again, and wondering what I did wrong, knowing I did nothing wrong. I believed and trusted. He was the one who deceived me.

I let him into my life, asked him into my life.
I go to sleep thinking of him, wake up thinking of him, so many good memories, now so many tainted memories..

I know time will ease my pain, but for now..
I have to hurt alone, for I lied to my family, my friends, about my situation. I have to handle it on my own. I will. I have been.

I know I will be alright. I will get over this.

I will!!!

But right now.. I hurt.