Okay, I'm going to give you all an update. I made this stupid little card on my computer this morning, saying I miss us being happy, and I want us to try to do what we can to get back to that. Then I drew a little stick person with my hair and a sad face, and an arrow pointing to it that said "me"
I went to his house and he wasn't being very receptive for a minute, and then I gave him the card and he tried really hard not to smile, and he said "you're a geek" and he smiled and we talked about everything. We're not going to talk ALL THE TIME anymore, no emails at work or anything, and we're not going to see each other as much as we do, so the time we do have together is a little more special and we'll have things to talk about. This way it's easier for us to do our own activities and have our own lives with our own friends, because I think I was starting to feel smothered by the relationship. I was losing myself.
I know I have to get back into "me" mode. I need to find myself some NEW better friends here. My best friend Tyler hasn't been around much, but lately we've talked more and more and he's a good support for me. He doesn't tell me what to do, but he lets me talk out my problems and he gives advice but never in the "you should do this" sort of way. It's nice to just have a guy's viewpoint on a lot of things, and to know that none of what he says is influenced by jealousy or insecurity or anything that I get from a lot of girl friends around here. Tyler and I have been close since we were 17. He knows me better than I know myself! I really want to spend more time with him.
Another thing I want to do for myself is guitar lessons. I have a guitar but I've never learned to play well. I don't have money for lessons right now, but I'm going to see if I can persuade my parents to pay for a month of lessons for a Christmas present
There's a place that does lessons about 2 minutes from my house! I also want to get back into shape. I luckily have my mom's metabolism so I could eat bags chips and chocolate bars for months on end and never gain a pound, but I don't FEEL as good as I used to. I have so much exercise equipment that I never use. I also want to start doing yoga again to feel more in tune with my inner self.
I don't open up to people well, so I've never really been able to push myself to go to counselling. One thing that helps me see things in perspective is writing. I have a journal I used to write in every single night, and now it's more like once every 6 months. I think I owe it to myself to take a few minutes before I go to bed to write in there again. Getting out my feelings and hopes and dreams and frustrations on paper really helps unjumble my mind and sort of destresses my whole life.
I really do appreciate all of your advice and support. I owe a lot to everyone here!
Oh yeah, and after he threw everything in the dumpster, he went back and dug to the bottom of the dumpster to get the bag back. He went through that to get the little bulldog stuffed animal he won for me at the fair this summer, and he gave it back to me tonight.