You have probably never had a death affect you like this one has. One, because the child was so young. Two, because the child was in your care. Both of those points would be hard.
Do you have a pastor that you can talk to? Someone to help you deal with your grief? You need someone that you can talk to because by holding it in and keeping it to yourself you're not healing. I know that after I had my miscarriage that my mind would not leave me alone. It kept going over and over everything I had done since I had gotten pregnant, trying to find out what had caused it. I finally found a book on miscarriages and by reading it I finally realized that I had done nothing wrong. It still took a long time for that to sink into my heart. Grieving is a journey. Sometimes a long journey. Look at the stages of grief on this website--
http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf
I'm sure that you'll find one of the stages that fits where you're at.
Here's a website on how to take care of yourself.
http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Taking%...%20Handout.pdf
I also advise that you get check into a book on grieving on a Christian store on-line. Here's a site that I recommend with some books on grieving.
http://www.christianbook.com/Christi...search=1&cms=1
Again, if you need to talk or chat. Please let me know. I'm here.--Diana