[Shada]

26 years.
Then... I was happily married. I thought. Trying for a family. Planning for a family.

26 years ago today. Found out I was pregnant.. found out the pregnancy I was so looking forward to.. was not to be. It was a tubal pregnancy that ended in the emergency room at hospital at 3:00am.
Before I was able to share with friends and family about my upcoming child.. my child was gone.

Five months later, another pregnancy gone wrong. November 13th. This time a molar pregnancy.. my much loved, much wanted, baby was gone. Again. Then the scare of cancer.. very possible. If it was cancer, I would probably be dead within a year..a year I was afraid of dying... a year of tests monthly.. a year to live with a man who showed no caring.. a year to know that if I survived, a divorce was in my future. A year to kill the love I had for my husband. A year to build strength to go on.

26 years later, I do have the strength to continue. But the pain of losing two children never is far from my mind.. I think about what I lost, the chance to be a mother, that my children never had a chance to live their lives, that my marraige ended because of two people not willing to share their pain..

It was the worst time of my life.
So today, I sit and think about what could have been, what should have been.