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Originally Posted by Willow
Ok a couple months ago my friend of 14 years decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly her reasons are "she thinks I am trying to live her life for her." Her belief is based on the fact that I didn't approve of some things and I was very vocal about my opinions on it.
We have do have different beliefs, but I didn't think that should affect a friendship. I am Christian, she is Wiccan (at least she thinks she is. I have seen her in action. She wouldn't know what Wicca really is if it bit her in the butt! She has watched one too many episodes of Charmed and Buffy if you ask me!)
Anyway, she got angry with me for disapproving of her going back to her husband who had cheated on her twice. I realize it is her choice, but I tried to make her think about her two girls. She said they are the reason she went back to the lying cheating low life! (this was his second offense).
Then back in August she asked to come spend a few days with us while her husband was on a run (truck driver). We told her her girls would have to follow our houserules as far as bedtimes and such while they were here. She was ok with that until the second night. She yelled at my husband when he told her girls to go to bed and insisted that they did not have to go to bed. I believe kids need structure and discipline, she doesn't. Her girls are basically allowed to stay up until they fall asleep where they are or go to bed on their own. Which ever happens first.
That same week we gave her a Morkie we had named Max. I was torn about letting him go, but she really wanted him and swore she would give him a good home. A few weeks later she messages me and says they dropped off Bay, their other dog, and I freaked out worried they would do the same with Max. I was undecided about going to get Max. A few weeks later I was trying to ask her if something was wrong (this had been about a month after she was at my house) because I noticed she wasn't talking to me as much as she used to. I told her if she was upset at me for something she should just tell me. She then informed me that she had decided while she had been at my house that we were no longer friends and basically she played nice to get my dog.
That was it for me. I showed up the next day with the sheriff and took my dog back. We haven't spoken since. I could tell by the look on her face that I really hurt her when I showed up and took Max with the help of the police. She never denied he was mine, she just said, "there's your dog." Max was ecstatic to see me. She had tried to groom him herself and he had razor burn on his tail and butt where she had shaved him to the skin. He was red and raw and I must have used two or three tubes of neosporin on him! Poor guy!!
Ok so this has been two months now, and even though she is not perfect, I really miss her and the girls. I mean, I am not perfect either, but should a friendship end so after a disagreement?
My husband I should add is thrilled that she isn't my friend. He hates her. He has also said if I ever let her come here again he would leave. I guess that should be my answer. But it is hard for me to just let go of a friend that I have had for so long. We loved and hated eachother like we were sisters.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out I guess. Thanks.
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This is a very hard situation I think so I'm going to try and go one paragraph at a time. Remember that it is always okay to agree to disagree. Even if you do not agree with her life or lifestyle choices...she was your friend. If you were trying to change her into believing the way you do...then you were in the wrong. IF her or her childrens lives were in danger, then yes...you could repeatedly let her know, but in the end, it's her life. Opinions are great....when asked for. That's one thing I always try to remember...and believe me it's easier said than done.
We can't know what truly goes on behind closed doors. He may have been a cheater, may still be...when she has had enough...she'll know it, hopefully. No comments from you or anyone else will really matter to her. We want what is best for our friends, but if things turned out bad because the took our advice, where would that leave the friendship. It's best to say what/how we feel ONCE, then it is their decision.
Kids do need structure, you're right there. As long as they were in your home, they needed to follow your rules. I feel that you, as her friend should have told her the kids needed to go to bed, not your husband. She is
your friend. If she wasn't willing to comply with your wishes and rules, then help in getting her home would have been in order.
I would have been worried too about Max after having dropped off Bay. But considering you knew her home life before hand, no matter how close you were with each other...I would never have let her have one of my puppies. But that is in the past now, you have him back. Life lesson...find better homes for puppies, should be a high priority and with a lot of thought.
If you miss her, let her know. She doesn't have to be welcome in your home to be your friend. Lunches, evenings out, whatever...can still build a wonderful friendship. Your husband would rather not be around her and that's his choice, but he should never be allowed to pick your friends. Honor his request that she not come to your home, but he should also honor your feelings in wanting to maintain the friendship. Communication is so key here.
I hope in some way, the friendship can continue, but it will have to have boundaries. We can't change our friends nor should we want to, we accept the things we love about them and try to overlook the things we disagree with.