Should I be a surrogate mother?

Our "couples" best friends have had 2 failed attempts at IVF. I am just so disappointed for my friend this last time she has just about given up on having children at all. I have said to her many times: "if I could give you some of my fertility, I would!" They are thinking about adoption, but she is Filipino and he is caucasian...they would like to have children who look like them. I have three healthy children (who are now teenagers) and had three easy, uneventful pregnancies. My husband was the one with the idea to be a surrogate for them...we have not discussed this with them yet because I am still pondering. I am 38 years old...I'm wondering if that's too old. It's been 15 years since I had a baby, but everything seems to be in working order and I'm very healthy. I would like to know opinions...good and bad....on surrogacy. Even better, if anyone has experience, let me know.

[Chandra Amaya]

I think it is wonderful of you to even consider this. I think the first step would be to see what your doctor thinks. I have never done this nor know anyone who has but I have been pregnant 8 times. My one question for you to think about would be ... Can you carry a baby to full term without bonding as the "mother". I don't think I could. But I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

[AngieDoogles]

I don't have any experiences with surrogacy either, but I agree with Traci. The most important thing is your health and the health of the baby. Talking to a doctor would let you know if this is even a possibility and the best way to go about it. The doctor would also probably be able to give you information about the pros and cons, both medically related and non-medically related. There really is a lot of information at doctors offices. Good luck!

[Tink]

I can understand wanting to help a friend, but wouldn't be able to give up a baby I'd carried.

I used to talk with a woman online who was a surrogate. She ended up having triplets for a couple. She was on complete bedrest for several months to carry them. Her own health was at risk, and her life was on hold for the duration. She gained something like 90 lbs and had the babies by c-section very early. If i remember right, they all survived, but with complications.

You'd sure have to discuss all possible scenarios with your friend and dr.

[Janet]

I think it's wonderful that you are considering doing this. Not being able to have children myself, adoption is a wonderful choice, believe me.

My opinion is to have some counceling first. Make sure you know yourself and your feelings. It may sound like you could do it at first, but after carrying the baby and bonding, no matter how much you tell yourself you won't, it may be harder than you think to give it up, No matter how much you love your friend.

[DianaB]

I'm wondering too if you could really give up a baby that you've carried for 9 months. I would be too attached that it would be impossible for me to let someone else have my baby, even if it was theirs to begin with.

Another thing is that you are older and having a baby when you are older is not as easy as it was when you had your own children. I have 17 1/2 years between my oldest and youngest with 10 years between my last two. I was 35 when my last was born and it certainly was a lot harder and more painful than I remembered from the others. I had complications during my pregnancy (gestational diabetes) and we really had to keep tabs on how my baby and my blood sugar was doing.

I agree with the others who said that you should have some counseling. You need to make sure that you can emotionally handle everything that would be going on. And make sure that your family and marriage can survive such a deal. This is a really big deal, to your body, mind, family, and marriage. Make sure that all areas are ready to handle this.

[Marilyn]

It is awesome that you are considering this. You must be a very caring, giving person to even consider. The ladies here have given you some wonderful advice. If you complete counseling, are in excellent physical condition and your doctor gives the go ahead, I think it is a wonderful thing to do. 38 is not too old. Look at all the celebrities having babies later in life.

However, be sure you can handle this emotionally. If you go through with this, it is probably the most emotionally and physically costly gift a woman can give to a friend. Make sure your husband is on board and realize that even if he is, he may show some resentment during the pregnancy when the reality hits home. Realize also, that it will probably affect your friendship with this couple. If is quite possible that as good a friends as you may be now, you may not see the child again. Your friend may have all kinds of confusing feelings about you and this herself.

Hope all goes well and whatever your decision, take care of yourself and your family.

[Janet]

Something else I thought of . It could very well end your friendship. It's so hard for women to compare parenting styles anyway, I think, because we all think we're right. LOL, but how hard will it be for you to see this child grow with them and you disagree with how they raise him/her? Will you be able to stay quiet? That is why I suggested counceling. You've got to make sure you can handle the BEFORE and AFTER.

Wow, some very good thoughts from all of you..this is exactly the reason I'm soliciting opinions because alot of people can think of things you never thought of yourself.

My husband was the first one to come up with the idea, believe it or not! So he's on board. We've talked about it alot. We have not discussed it with the couple yet at all. I don't even know if they would be open to it. I wanted to research all I could before (and IF) I even broach the subject. I, too, am worried about bonding. I had three pregnancies....I knew those babies intimately before they were born..their personalities, their patterns. One thing that is positive in my favor is that I have my family. I have three teenagers...I don't want to raise any more children. And, as my husband pointed out jokingly, "hey, if you start thinking a baby would be nice to have around, just remember they become teenagers REAL QUICK!" I am in great health. I have never smoked, rarely drink and am athletic and perfect weight. I would agree that counseling would be a must to make sure this is really something we could do. I am going to continue to research it....It is a major, major comitment.

[Chandra Amaya]

"hey, if you start thinking a baby would be nice to have around, just remember they become teenagers REAL QUICK!"
Lol how true. I have 4 ranging from 14 down to 2. Man if they would only be babies forever. Best of luck to you in whatever you choose.

[Mandy]

Its awesome of you to want to do this for your friends!! All i can say is "WOW" ... but think it thru very carefully. Best of luck on your decision!!

[Gina]

Best of luck to you, the rest of the ladies said mostly what I feel. Remember it may be hard to give up a baby that you carried for 9 mos. and you bond with. Think it over real good and I am sure that your gut and heart will lead you into the right direction.. Good luck!!