Gifts - are we being cheap?

[Lindsey]

I need some advice about gifts for neices and nephews. Growing up, I never got gifts for birthdays or Christmas from my aunts and uncles, unless we were spending the day with them. I don't know if it was just a money thing, but I was always pretty close with my cousins and our families spent time together, but I guess I never expected gifts and my parents were never expected to send gifts to all my cousins.

Anyways, we buy Christmas presents for all of the neices and nephews. I'm okay with that. We don't get anything in return from Scott's side of the family, since his sisters decided that instead of buying presents for each other, they'd just buy for kids. So their kids get presents from all of us, and we are the only ones without kids so we get nothing. I know it's not about that, but I wish it felt more like we were giving for the sake of giving, and not because the family says we have to buy things for the kids. On my brother's side, we buy something for all of them (normally something for the two of them, and seperate things for the girls), and they, as a family, buy something for us (or not even FOR us... last year they donated in our name to buy a donkey for an impoverished family in Africa - I thought that was a great idea!).

For starters, we do not buy birthday presents for my neices on my side. And we spend more time with them than any others. We bought them gifts one time when we were invited to their party and went. We've never been asked to buy them birthday gifts, and as far as I know we have never been expected to! We say happy birthday on Facebook/text or a phone call.

Our little neice who lives five hours away turned one in Febraury. We did not get her a present but we both sent happy birthday greetings over Facebook or text or whatever. When our nephew (and Scott's God-son) turned three in August, we were down there visiting Scott's parents that weekend so we went to his sister's house and had supper and cake with everyone and brought a present for him.

Now that boy's little brother is turning one this weekend. Scott's mom called and asked if we were coming down this Friday for the get-together. Scott said we haven't heard about anything. Nobody talked to us. His mom said his sister is going to have a big family supper. Well, we weren't invited and knew nothing about it. So his mom said if we aren't coming down, we need to at least send our present in the mail. We didn't have a present.

Scott told me later he didn't want to get one because it feels like we will be roped in to have to buy for every birthday from here on in for every neice and nephew (and there will be more!). We are not particularly close with either of Scott's sisters or their families. They never call or talk to us, and we only happen to see them if they come to Scott's parents' house when we are visiting. If Scott and I have kids, I would not expect his sisters or my brother to buy presents for them. Money is tight enough as it is. Scott said his mom made him feel really guilty about not doing enough for his nephew. He said she thinks we have tons of money because we can afford vacations... but we work our butts off to do these things before we have kids. It's not like it's just saying "Hey, let's go on another huge vacation" ... we look at our savings and see what we can get with our budget. We don't have extra savings! This is our first Christmas as husband and wife and can't afford to buy each other Christmas presents. We just decided love is enough, and in the end we are getting the trip of a lifetime!

Anyways, I wonder if we are being guilted about it because we didn't get anything for the neice either... has that been brought up behind our backs? When Scott mentioned we would be seeing everyone in a month at Christmas so we don't have to drive down for this birthday, his mom said well we can just spend more on his Christmas present then, or get him something extra for missing his birthday. He is ONE - will he care? We already have his Christmas gift, and it cost the same as all the others. After going back and forth on it, we decided to just buy a card and send it in the mail.

Is that enough?

[JJJ]

Ok Lindsey this is how my family is. For X-Mas I tell everyone I will only be able to afford the kids gifts. I do exactly that, just buy the kids gifts. I always get something from my oldest sis even thought she knows she won't get anything. The others don't give me anything as expected. I for one prefer for them to save those few dollars they would spend on me on themselves.

As far as birthday gifts for your nephew you guys didn't get invited so a card is more than enough. Do you think they will buy your kids presents one day when you guys aren't even close. If grandma wants her grandkids to have tons of presents she needs to go get them herself. I think Scott is head on with this one. Presents add up and once you have kids you need that extra money spoiling your kids not somebody else responsibility. Lindsey, you will never please your MIL so forget about her and what she thinks other people should do. She's her husbands problem not yours.

[gja1000]

Lindsey, I agree with Jessica, I wouldn't buy gifts either. It's just too expensive to buy for everyone, especially after you have your own kids! Just ignore the gift remarks.

[Lindsey]

Scott and I have talked about if we have kids in the next few years, they will get the short end of the stick for presents lol! I don't want to be buying everyone gifts forever... I don't mind for the little kids, but the older they get, the more expensive things are. I don't want to still be buying them all gifts when they are teenagers (and we'll probably see even less of them then!). So eventually, we will stop with the Christmas gifts for everyone, when they are older. But when those kids are older, our kids would still be young - will they buy our little kids gifts if we stop buying their older kids gifts? Not likely!

But in the end, I don't think it will bother me if anyone doesn't buy our kids gifts. I don't think that would be anyone's responsibility but our own. But I don't like feeling guilted into doing it for others when I know the same rules will probably not apply for us. We are the definite outsiders for not having kids yet.

[DianaB]

I don't think that you should have to buy gifts either. When our kids were little and we only had a few neices and nephews we would buy gifts.....or draw names among the kids but anymore there is just too many and you have to draw the line somewhere.

Personally, I think that Christmas should be more about getting together and less about the gifts. Kids get so many gifts that it doesn't hurt them to go to a gathering and not recieve one. Don't be bullied into buying a gift when you don't feel that you need to.

[judy]

You and Scott weren't even invited to the birthday party, so why would you sebd a gift? And why did they not invite their child's godfather to his first birthday party? That family is full of whack jobs!

I think you should make your own rules about gifts. If you don't want to give birthday gifts, that's fine! His mother needs to take a naked shower with his father!