are you in love?

i think there is a difference in loving someone and being in love.
being in love is that first feeling you feel, is what you feel when your getting on well when your happy, when they say they love you when they make you feel loved wanted needed and special, its a feeling that comes and goes depending on what going on between you at the time, its a feeling that THEY make you feel.
loving someone is a feeling that you get after being with them a while, is a feeling you feel even when they have hurt you or when your not getting on or your angry with them, its a feeling thats there no matter whats going on between you and is the feeling you still have for a while after you have split up, its a feeling YOU feel.
i think you can love someone but not be in love with them any more cos they dont make you feel like they use to.
my mum always use to say she loved her partner but didnt like him and i could never understand that, but i do now, i love my partner and im happy to say im also in love with him but when we have had a row im not in love with him at that time and dont like him so now i get it, being in love comes and goes but loving someone stays, but to be happy and for it to last you have to feel in love to or you wont be happy cos it will feel one sided if they dont make you feel that in love feeling.
im lucky cos ive been with my partner for nearly 4 years and i love him and 99% of the time im in love with him to as hes very loving but i wondered if any of you still feel the same about your partners or if you love your partner but your not in love with them anymore?

[Janet]

Not sure what to think of that....????? MY personal opinion is no one can make you feel any thing unless you want to feel it. Love, anger, happiness...etc.

For instance....no one can make me angry unless I want to be angry..they can say all kinds of things to try and make me angry, but unless I let them get to me...I don't have to feel angry at all. I could choose to feel pity for them....I could choose to feel happy they are saying those things to me, because someone else might not have the self control to ignore it, or I could become angry...if I wanted.

You should never let someone make you feel a certain way....you should have control of your emotions. Now I'm not saying I do, by any means...but it's a work in progress.

A 'shrink' don't know how to spell the other word...LOL explained it to me this way.....two little kids are at the beach. This great big wave comes and knocks these two kids down. One gets up, scared, running to his mother, the other kid jumped up and down, excited, waiting for the next big wave to come.

It wasn't the wave that was scary...it was the way it was interpeted, the way is was received by each child.

Granted it's a little harder for a child to control their feelings and emotions, but as we grow into adults, it's something that should be strive for.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Janet

Not sure what to think of that....????? MY personal opinion is no one can make you feel any thing unless you want to feel it. Love, anger, happiness...etc.

For instance....no one can make me angry unless I want to be angry..they can say all kinds of things to try and make me angry, but unless I let them get to me...I don't have to feel angry at all. I could choose to feel pity for them....I could choose to feel happy they are saying those things to me, because someone else might not have the self control to ignore it, or I could become angry...if I wanted.

You should never let someone make you feel a certain way....you should have control of your emotions. Now I'm not saying I do, by any means...but it's a work in progress.

A 'shrink' don't know how to spell the other word...LOL explained it to me this way.....two little kids are at the beach. This great big wave comes and knocks these two kids down. One gets up, scared, running to his mother, the other kid jumped up and down, excited, waiting for the next big wave to come.

It wasn't the wave that was scary...it was the way it was interpeted, the way is was received by each child.

Granted it's a little harder for a child to control their feelings and emotions, but as we grow into adults, it's something that should be strive for.

That was a wonderful post, Janet. I agree completely!

Originally Posted by Janet

Not sure what to think of that....????? MY personal opinion is no one can make you feel any thing unless you want to feel it. Love, anger, happiness...etc.

For instance....no one can make me angry unless I want to be angry..they can say all kinds of things to try and make me angry, but unless I let them get to me...I don't have to feel angry at all. I could choose to feel pity for them....I could choose to feel happy they are saying those things to me, because someone else might not have the self control to ignore it, or I could become angry...if I wanted.

You should never let someone make you feel a certain way....you should have control of your emotions. Now I'm not saying I do, by any means...but it's a work in progress.

A 'shrink' don't know how to spell the other word...LOL explained it to me this way.....two little kids are at the beach. This great big wave comes and knocks these two kids down. One gets up, scared, running to his mother, the other kid jumped up and down, excited, waiting for the next big wave to come.

It wasn't the wave that was scary...it was the way it was interpeted, the way is was received by each child.

Granted it's a little harder for a child to control their feelings and emotions, but as we grow into adults, it's something that should be strive for.

i do agree if you dont want to feel love you wont cos you can close your self off but what i ment was the feeling you get when say your partner gives you flowers is the in love feeling but only if you are both happy and getting on but if say he gave you flowers to say sorry and you were still angry with him you would not feel that feeling of being in love.
a partner can not make you feel anything unless your open to it of course but if your happy with your partner you will of course be open to it.
i would not stay with a man just cos i loved him as i wouldnt be happy i would have to also be in love with him most of the time.

i best way to know if your still in love with your partner is to look over at him and if you smile to your self and think aww i love you, if you cant think of anyone else you would rather be with, if you miss him when your apart and look forward to seeing him again then your still in love but of course you dont always feel like that if you are not getting on at the time.

[Lissa]

First off, I can understand if people say I'm too inexperienced to know anything about this stuff seeing as I'm not married, but I think I've got a decent grasp of this concept.

I agree with both of you, people can't make you feel a certain way, and other people can influence your emotions.

Of course I'd say it differently, that you love someone when you first get together, and you're in love with them after time, but that's just semantics, we're both saying the same thing.

My feelings: Yes, people can't force you to feel something, and you control your emotions, but isn't vulnerability one of the integral parts of a relationship? Vulnerability gives you trust, because you lay bare all your weaknesses to create a bond between you and your partner for only the two of you to share. Thus it can be said that in a relationship both participants affect each other's emotions due to the bond. I'd say that this bond created by Trust and Vulnerability is Love. (Sorry if this sounds like a mechanical analysis, I've been stuck in college classes all day) Trust is necessary in a Love relationship, without Trust there can't be Love, and Trust is made stronger through Vulnerability, and with Vulnerability comes the ability to directly affect each other's emotions. You follow? Cause I'm starting to get lost myself here...

Basically, Vulnerability = Ability to affect each other's emotions, Vulnerability = Trust, Vulnerability + Trust = Love.

Regular people shouldn't be able to affect your emotions, but partners such as fiances and husbands are an exception.

-The first stage of a relationship is that Puppy Love everyone feels. You see them and your heart starts to flutter, the guy is absolutely flawless and there's no better person in the world, you feel like you'll die if you're apart from them for longer than a day. This is what I would call Loving Someone.
-The second stage of a relationship is marriage, you have the Puppy Love plus strong commitment, this is also the first stage of being In Love with someone. With time the Puppy Love goes away, (which is what I would say is the leading cause of divorce among couples who marry young) and what is left over is Commitment.
-This is where the third stage comes in and that's Companionship. The Puppy Love is gone but what is left over is much deeper and more meaningful. You know and accept that each other are flawed, and also that no matter what it is you can go to each other with any issue or problem without judgment or fear of it and that you'll work through it no matter what. It's a deep Trust, Commitment, and Companionship that only people that have it can truly understand. This is what I would say True Love and truly being In Love is.

There will always be moments of doubt, when you feel more like you're needed more for mundane things than truly wanted and needed. But that's normal in a relationship, but that's when the other partner needs to jump in and reassure the other that they are truly needed. Sometimes the partner can have a difficult time recognizing this, and that is why talking about this stuff is so important, it's not easy, but if you loved someone enough to marry them then exposing weaknesses will only make the relationship stronger if both participants understand this.

Men have a tendency to believe that weakness is bad and must not be acknowledged, but marriage hinges on your ability to trust someone to accept your weaknesses and flaws. If this bridge is never formed then Companionship may be difficult to obtain.

Alright, this is too long, I'll be quiet now.

i agree with you there trust is the most important thing but i do think you can love someone but not trust them 100% but for it to last and be meaningful and for you both to be happy you have to trust or its just not gonna work, im lucky that i do trust my partner but i do have friends who love there partners dearly but dont fully trust them.