Going ballistic

[Tink]

I'm usually pretty tolerant and try to be fair and courteous to everyone. But I have a temper, and on the rare occasion that I lose it, God protect those who get caught in the fall out.
Tonight was one of those times.
I've been aching terribly with arthritis since the weather is changing dramatically here. I hurt all over and have a horrible time with my hands and knees in particular. I've got a lot of stuff I'm trying to accomplish here, so that pain just interferes with my abilities to a frustrating degree.

Besides this, as you all know, our crowded living arrangements have been getting to me. Just too many people under foot and in the way most of the time. I end up staying in my bedroom a lot just to avoid the chaos and resent that I feel I have to hide out.

My son keeps pushing my buttons without even trying; and almost never picks up after himself which just bugs me to no end. He also has company more often than I'm comfortable with, ends up borrowing things and not putting them back, etc etc. So tonight I was in the kitchen going through the mail and Moses was going to Joel asking to be let out and he just ignored him. I commented on the obvious... that Moses needed to go out... and Joel made the mistake of reminding me that he is MY dog... At which point I went off on him like a firecracker. His fiancee was here and looked shocked to see that side of me, Joel was mad, I was frustrated and embarrassed, so after putting the dog out, I just went back to my room and hid again.

He cannot understand why I get so upset with him. He does almost nothing around here; we support him, and he just can't see why I get fed up with picking up his slack. He works, but has to keep buying speakers, car parts, etc rather than chipping in for his own food and such. I just can't seem to get across to him that we are tired of it and he needs to move on.

I realize I'm stressed with the recent turn of events with Katie... I know the acheyness makes me more grumpy... there are just so many contributing factors and he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he continues to hang on to that position, then is offended when I blow.

I've told him straight out that I feel it's unfair that I have been put in a position of having to yell at him to make him do anything or be angry while I'm doing it all myself. I don't want to have to end up enemies with him to get him to either chip in or move out... but he doesn't seem to have any inclination of changing unless we force him to.

Argggggggggg I hate this. I get so stressed I don't even feel good and I'm told I'm supposed to avoid stress! I gave life to him, and now I feel like my life is going to be cut short by fighting with him as well.

It just feels really unfair.

[Marilyn]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. He and his girl friend should be able to see what is happening and understand. They probably do, but do not want to face facts. I don't have answers for you. Only you know the situation and what needs to be done. Glad we are here for you to vent. We all need to let off some steam now and then.

One thought, you may try not hiding in the bedroom, but being right there in the middle of their fun. They may decide they need to be somewhere else.

[2tiredmom]

Tink,

I know I don't get on here much but I agree with Marilyn. Get in their way and
maybe they will get the message. Do you do his laundry? If so quit... That might get his attention too. Just a thought. Your in my prayers. Get to feeling better soon................

[katepoet]

It definitely stinks! I suggested to one friend that we find a mentor for her 26 yr old son just for these things. Then I suggested, after checking around the community, that we ancient friends step in and each take certain days of the month when we will be checking in with him through phone calls, email, etc. to remind him that he belongs to a community who is concerned about him, cares about him, and will help him keep on a good path. I thought of this after reading about how many adults need to be in a young child's life to make him or her more likely to stay straight and succeed as an adult. Everyone agreed to do it but she has yet to set up a meeting-gathering with him and her community where we can tell him what we are up to and how much he matters to us.

Point of this is - how about other adults in his life stepping up to the plate and talking with him about his decisions?

[Janet]

I know you're just venting Tink, but I just feel the need to say something. I don't want anyone taking advantage of you ....even your son. Linda (Cecil) is right. Stop doing things for him. I'd go as far as putting a lock on the fridge too. Start charging rent and whatever else you feel is necessary. Why should he get out when he's got it so good?

Why not let your husband talk with him...man to man. I was always told that in any situation....you can only be walked on if you're lying down.

[DianaB]

{{{{{{Brenda}}}}}} I'm so sorry that you're still having to deal with this. I agree with Janet about having your husband talk to your son. I know that you're very fustrated over this, but you have got to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry that your arthritis is bothering you. Do you take anything for it? I take Piroxicam for mine. It's a medicine that's been out for quite a while so it's not terribly expensive. You might ask your doctor about it.

[Tink]

Thanks all
I don't do his laundry... he's capable even if he doesn't always want me to think so.
I rarely cook for him because his schedule and mine are very different. He works from 3 pm to 2 am Mon - Friday, so comes home and stays up several hours while I'm sleeping, then sleeps till 2 pm before going back to work.His wacked out schedule is part of our problem.... he's up and about while I'm trying to sleep and has company here during that time as well with no regard to my getting woke up by their noise.

So he does laundry when I'm trying to sleep and the laundry area is right outside my bedroom. If I've left towels in the dryer he's been known to bring them in my bedroom and dump them on my bed with me in it to make way for his own clothes to dry. I nearly flew out of bed and tackled him for that!
He cooks for himself and never does up his dishes, so I have the kitchen cleaned before I go to bed and get up to dirty dishes, sink and counter most mornings. He's also terrible at leaving pop cans, wrappers, and so on where ever they fall.

Living with him is like trying to shovel during a blizzard... you think you've got it done, go to sleep, and wake up to the same mess you just cleaned. Then dh comes home and wonders why the house looks so messy! **faint**

Gregs due home today... I'm going to have to have a good long talk with him and get some resolution decided on. My wish is that they'd all be moved out by mid December; but we've got to stand together in order for that to happen.

[rivermom]

I'm just going to be blunt and probably make a few angry. Wouldn't be the first time, LOL!!

Kick his butt out! It's time for him to move on. Sit him down, tell him that this is your house and give him a timeline on how much longer he has allowed to stay with you. He doesn't have to do for himself because he doesn't have to. He probably will resent you for awhile but it's all just a part of parenting in my eyes. I don't have all the answers for sure...Never will say I do.

Again, I apololgize for writing what I feel. I understand that my thoughts are harsh and seem unfair or mean.