Horrible day..

[Shada]

Horrible day...

My sister called me to yell at me because I 'talked' my mom into getting a yorkie, which I did not. She told me I better take that dog because she will not take care of it, this from a 55 year old woman who has never taken care of herself or her kids..my mom has always taken care of her and her kids. We had a huge loud screaming match at each other..

HER WORDS:
Her and her kids do so much for my mom, I am never there, all I do is smoke and drink, I am a alcoholic, I do nothing for mom, I have this huge social life and never have anything to do with my family, I am the favorite, mom does for me all the time, mom gave me her car, mom gave me a antique tiffany lamp and table, mom never does anything for her, all her life she has taken care of her kids without any help.. she works all the time, her son mows mom's yard, her and her daughter take care of mom.

Now the truth:
She, her daughter and her daughters 2 kids eat at moms 5-7 days a week. My mom either cooks for all of them or calls for take-out. Her son (who mows the yard) lives with mom because his own mother (my sister) will not allow him to stay with her. My mother feeds him every night. Plus she hides all her jewelry, her purse, because he can't be trusted. In the past he has stolen from her bank account, (got her ATM number and also stole checks from her that he signed her name, made out to his name with 'gift' written on check). My sister raised her 3 kids on welfare. Never worked until the youngest was 18. All those years, my mother every day, would stop over at my sister's with food and milk. My mom had my sister's kids all the time.
Now sister works. Part time. Home care. Cleans houses and cooks for people. Wow. She has no idea what a real job is. Works maybe 20 hours a week. She has a drug addict boyfriend who has spent more time in his life in prison than on the streets.
My mom has paid my sisters daughter way forever.. Julie goes shopping, she takes moms credit card. Julie has 2 kids that she has never bought similac or diapers for.. mom did it all.. mom buys most of their clothes..yes Julie works, part time like her mom. They both get assistance from the state. Live in goverment housing. Food stamps and a medical card. If you were to look at them, you would think they were both successful in their lifes, always wearing the best clothes, buy a new car every 2 years, look upper class.. so far from the truth. Mom pays Julies car insurance since she first got a car at 16 years. She is now 32 years old.
It makes me sick and furious to know they take and take from mom..

I work full time. Have never had assistance. Never take a dime from mom. I take care of myself without any help from mom. I bought my moms car that I drive. I did not take it as a gift. In the past 20 years I have had 2 cars. Bought and paid for by me. Yes I did accept a lamp and table from her.. she gave it to me because she knew I would treasure it and love it as she did. Everything you give to my sister she gives away. I have given her so much over the years.. along with my mother. She cares for nothing. Like mom says, 'easy come, easy go'.

I stop at my moms every couple of days. Speak to her every night. Let her vent on me for what they are putting her thru. She feels they are all just waiting for her to die so they can cash in. They think her house is theirs.

I told my sister you have given nothing to mom but heartache and tears, I give her support and love.. yet I am the badass.

Then I get off the phone with her and my Keller boy (old buddy dog) has a bad seizure.

Been a bad day.

[gja1000]

It sure has been a bad day. You know, you can take comfort in the truth. You know the truth and it sounds like your sister does not speak it. Deep down she knows the truth, and maybe she just can't face it, so she lashes out at you. You are right, you have given your mom what she needs, respite and support from the madness. Can your mom say "NO" enough is enough? It's hard, I know. My sister-in-law enables her son - but now he is in prison...... That is what your mom is doing to your sister and and her family, enabling them to continue living a lie - it's really not fair to everyone who has supported them, your mom, taxpayers, etc. It is sad, very very sad......

I'm sorry.

[Shada]

Thank you Gayle.
When I wrote those words I was still so hurt and mad over what my sister said to me. I kept telling her she doesn't see or understand what mom does for her. Has always done for her. She truly believes that she was the best mother, and our mother did nothing for her. What a lie. I have begged my mom to 'let them grow up, quit doing everything for them', for when mom is gone, I can't take care of them.. nor would I if I could. They need to depend on themselves. But I have to put some blame on mom, for she has allowed them to use her and keeps taking care of them. I tell her the same thing.. 'just say NO' and she says how??? She feels they need her.. how would they eat? How would they pay their bills?

Then mom tells me how proud she is of me because I am so independant. I am buying my own home.. pay my own bills.. work 40 hours a week. I couldn't tell you the last time I took a day off that wasn't a earned vacation day. I have worked at the same place for 23 years and maybe took 5 days off due to sickness in that time.

My sister is a worthless user and has raised her children to be the same.
It makes me sick.

[Janet]

Wow...Shada, sounds like you've had a really bad day girl!! It's too bad your sister can't see how things really are, but you are right, your mother has to own some of the blame.

Once your mother is gone, they most likely will find someone else to use and abuse, it's a cycle unless it is broken. Your mother needs to do that as soon as possible, but I know, as a mother, you don't want to see your child, no matter how old, suffer in any way. Thing is, it's hurting them more than helping.

I have a nephew like that. I use to help him when I could, but it didn't go any good so I stopped. My mother signed for a car for my nephews son, he didn't make a payment, so Mom went and got the car and sold it. She didn't get what the loan was for, so had to finish paying it herself. She decided no more helping that family. I guess my nephew (he's 51) called Mom the other day and said he was in trouble and needed a credit card or something and Mom told him before he even finished his sentence that she wasn't co-signing, giving or anything anymore. He has burnt her one too many times. So he hung up on her.

Shada, I think there is one like this in almost every family, not all of course, but most. We just have to know we are doing the right thing by not enabling these types of people. We can love them still, but that's all.

[gja1000]

There is an old saying something like, "If you love something, let it go" I know your mom loves your sister and her family, but part of loving them is helping them to be self sufficient, productive members of society. Some people can't learn until they are forced into that situation. Yes, it is painful, difficult and almost any other difficult concept you can think of - but it is the right thing to do, especially for the younger family members. Some can't do it though, and that is sad.

Best of luck!

[judy]

I'm so sorry you had to listen to this nonsense. I have learned (finally!) to not get into it with people like that. I either very quickly get off the phone, or just walk away asap. I usually don't say much. I never respond to their BS.

I think it's probably too late for your Mom to change. Your sister is not your problem. You don't need to prove to her that you're right. You and your Mom know that you are. Like Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

In other words, screw it. Ignore your sister, in my opinion.

What happened to the dog?