kid's

[lynne b]

i have 2 married daughter's each has 2 kids of their own. they each married school sweethearts and have been together for close to 15 yr's. my relationship with the oldest one has always been a close one but the younger one has always been touchy she lived with her father after we divorced ( always been a daddys girl ) well right now my youngest is going through a very difficult time about 2 yrs ago she started having panic attacks so we spent alot of time with her trying to get her through those , she became very dependent on her husband during that time, she couldnt even be alone during a storm, and she was getting counseling and on meds, well in the last 6 months her husband was fired from his job for stealing money but they helped him out and wrote it up for absentism(sp) so he could draw unemployment since he has a family to feed. well he decided he wanted to enjoy the whole summer off as long as he had unemployment to draw, daughter works for school so she was off all summer also so no other income coming in except some babysitting which didnt last very long cause my daughter was so stressed out and the home situation was not a very good place for her kids let alone someone else's kids. they filed banckruptsy (sp) 2 yrs ago because they couldnt pay their bills and are in worse shape now they are losing their home and van, he has pawned everything he can, these guys have traveled more then i have and have had just about everything you could think of along with the grand daughters have every kind of toy you can think of , a birthday party was like christmas mainly because of his mother she only has the 2 grand daughters i have 6 altogether so i buy very little but she would buy tons and for both.
SIL is also an addict to script drugs he has run up dr bills and ER bills to get script drugs along with buying them off of friends and the street, he grew up smoking pot with his father, we knew about the pot before they married and tried to discourage her from marrying him but she made her choice and she was of age to, so whats a mother to do. i have stood beside her through all of this , she asked if we would talk to SIL about all of this so we all got together ( her dad, stepmom, me and my husband) and talked for hours, things kinda got out of control at one point when certain things came out, well she has stayed with SIL and he says he is uncomfortable being around me and my husband so we stayed away for a couple of months now, not even talking on the phone, and we used to talk several times a day. i am trying to let her figure this out on her own, she's an adult and as long as she choose's to stay with him i will not help them out finacially, i know the kids are not hungry nor would i let them go hungry but i will not pay their bills, i have no clue where they will move to cause i heard his parents are about to loose their home also. i did talk to my daughter yesterday only because my mom has been in the hospital and she said her dad took her to look at an apartment that morning and i told her i would help her anyway i could if she does go through with this, but not if she ran back to him. am i wrong? it just kills me to see her going through all of this, and i know she feels like i have abandonded her but she has made her own choices to live this way. she says she dosent want her kids to grow up with divorced parent like she did but could it be any worse then what they are going through now. my daughters were not raised by parents that did drugs and drink, we just couldnt live together. i know my kids were not angels growing up they tested the water's on the drugs and drinking but have gotten past those days. i have gone through a similar situation with the older one but she has come so far this past couple of years, she just bought her 1st home in her name only and is working and going to school for nursing and rasing 2 boys , she is with her ex but he has finally grown up and gotten a good job and is trying to make things work for them. i just dont know how much more i can handle what with taking care of my mom and worrying about the kids, it's just been one thing after another it has put a strain on my marriage, not that he dosent love my girls he is probably closer to them then his own daughter but we just dont see eye to eye on some things. i just wish i could crawl in a hloe some days and make it all go away. oh yeah his daughter is far from an angel also but thats another chapter in the book. sorry this is so long i just needed to get this off my chest. i just dont know what to do anymore.

[Janet]

In the state I am in at the moment, I don't know what kind of advice I can give. I think you already know in your heart what to do, because you posted it. If you can help them to better themselves and they are really trying, that's great.

If you're helping them and they are not improving, then you are enabling. We all want is best for our kids, but when they become adults...we can tell them our opinion, one time, then the rest is up to them.

You're a great person and friend Lynne, don't second guess yourself.

[Willow]

Being just a youngin myself I am not sure what advice I could give that would help. I can offer my prayers though for you and your daughter and her husband.