sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by HALEY

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

I don't have an answer for you but do have a few possibilities as to why and some suggestions. I'm not sure how old your husband is or his health but I do know that some medications effect the sex drive as well as the ability. Is he on any blood pressure or diabetic meds? A lot will effect the ability to perform and a lot of men will not admit that they just can't so instead they will avoid it. If it's not that you can't ignore too that he may have an interest on the side. Some may not agree with that oppinion but from experience I know that when a man does not have an interest he is either getting it some where else (or) something is effecting his ability or want which in a lot of cases is medications and or alcohol too. I would have a heart to heart with him and try to get some answers. Don't let him blow you off - ask him straight out questions and make sure you get open honest answers. Elaine

[HALEY]

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by HALEY

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

[DianaB]

Medicines do make a difference so you might want to check them first for any problems. I know that I've had medicine affect me like that and I changed meds.

I know that for me if we're not getting along I don't get in the "mood" either. I don't want to make love to someone that I'm upset with.

I think that Elaine gave some pretty good advice and I agree with her. A good counselor may be in order for you two.

[Janet]

Looks like Elaine and Diana have the answers here. Very good advice. If his answer is true..well, it would be hard to want to be with someone that you fight with all the time.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

[donna1990]

Originally Posted by HALEY

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

Sounds as if he is depressed, drinking beer and in the garage alone.

[pope1982]

Sex goes through phases, sometimes can't keep hands off one another and sometimes can't get schedules to line up. It is one of the perks of the relationship, not the most important aspect. But a very good example of why you had better to be able to stand the person you will be looking at for the next 60+ years lol

Just try to reconnect, keep it fresh, and impulsive. Tell him to take out his frustrations in some great make up sex, or invest in a toy or two if that is the sort of thing for you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to do, or just take it upon yourself to take control and surprise the both of you with some different moves or positions. This will not only ignite the passion again, but empower you with your own sexuality and femininity. If you are confident, he will pick up on that and it will make you more irresistible.

Rejection is never easy, but neither is sex when you are not in the mood. It is something special you share with the one you love, so I can see why he would feel that way about "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak.
I think it is so nice that you guys respect each other enough to say no not right now, and leave it at that.

[teri88]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

[Tiramisu]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Teri, it's a really good soap box to be on. You're always so helpful and compassionate.

[Gina]

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Gina

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

We'll the last time i got a babysitter for us to go out and have a good time together he invited his friends, so i don't bother anymore with that it was a waste of money! they even called us when were eatting dinner, so i sat and ate my dinner while he talked on the phone, very romantic hun !

[Tiramisu]

Haley, here are some things I'd say to you - if you were my daughter. Do your friends ever come around? Does any of Mike's friends have S.O.s? Girl, you need to jump right in the middle of his friends and family. Get over the hurt you've been through in the past and start living towards a future together or apart. You knew he had the debts, family, and friends when you dated and married him. Marriage is only 50/50 because it takes two. Some days you do 90% and some days you do 10% - that's life. Suck it up or spit it out!

PS: I have a daughter who seems to have a rotten marriage. Problem is: I see her doing as much or more to spoil the marriage as the hubby does. She nags at him for not making enough money, spending too much money, to find another job, to take the trash out, to help her with the kids, etc. She feels that caring for the kids (neither of which he wanted) is all she really has to do. When she nags, he takes off to go do what he wants to - party and play poker. She admits that she "thought she could change him". All this while she had to drive a Lexus SUV, can't shop at Wal-Mart, and lost $40K on the big house that they couldn't afford.

I'm not sure what my point is except that it sounds like Mike's the man you loved enough to marry. You need to decide what YOU can do to make your marriage work.

Hugs,

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...