Part Of The Problem Is Gone

Janet · 06-09-2011, 06:00 PM

It looks like I don't have to send the letter I was writing to my brothers after all. My younger brother Brad came this afternoon and played the weekly game of Yahtzee. I stayed in my room so they could visit privately.

When I heard that he was about to leave, I came out to say goodbye. He said he was going home to eat. Then he just kind of stood there at the door and finally said that he was going to be busy on Saturday, but maybe he could get Mom for Sunday dinner and have her spend time at his house. It made my heart feel good and I started crying and said "thank you, it can be really hard".

He then said (in a belittling tone) that maybe I should look into other options. I told him I wasn't putting her in a nursing home yet, it would make Mom so sad and she wouldn't last very long. He got angry and said that he can't help out any more than what he has been, because he works everyday. What the hell does he think I do all day with Mom and my home?

Anyway...I lost it. I totally lost it. I told him that he sure found time to take two 4 day weekends to go fishing without a single call to Mom so it was obvious where his priority lied. That if he wanted to make time he could but that he was too selfish and always had been.

He turned and started out the door and I yelled "just go ahead and get out you F n Ba_ _ _ _ d. He started to come back in and I yelled for him to get out...get out of my house....so he left. Of course I'm crying the whole time.

I get up enough nerve and told Mom I opened my big mouth again and told her what happened and what was said. Mom wasn't upset at all. She said it was the truth and that he'd get over it. Still....I didn't want there to be any backlas for Mom. So....I texted that I was sorry. That I was exhausted and that he was still welcome to come visit Mom...that I would just excuse myself.

Well, he texted back that he would not be visiting with Mom here...it would be somewhere else. He said more but to make it short....he's out of my life. I'm not disappointed at all. We really weren't on good terms anyway so I'm glad it's finally over. Such a pain in the "you know were"!

It sounds sad....but he is such a selfish jerk and even though he is younger being around him I felt like I was walking on egg shells to keep from setting him off. He's so moody and judgemental. So.....life will go on.......

gja1000 · 06-09-2011, 06:53 PM

Janet, I'm glad you had your say and you were right to say what you did - but - he just got rewarded (in a twisted way) for his bad behavior. Now, he doesn't have to spend any time coming to see his/your mom - cause he isn't "welcome" at your house - even though you apologized. He has the supreme excuse that you don't want him at the house. Pretty convenient, huh!

Oh and the bit about "I work everyday" just hacks me off to the max. What the hell does he (and everyone else who says that) think is going on at your house every day! Geesh!

This kind of behavior makes me sooooo mad. I just hate it when bad people get rewarded for bad behavior. Of course, he is missing out on seeing his mom, so that is not really a reward, but he sure is going to be able to go on his four day fishing trips (and anywhere else) with no thoughts about anyone or anything else.

I know it is better for you with him not being there - I understand the "getting rid of toxic waste" and yes, you did get rid of some bad stuff. Overall it will probably be better for everyone - but still, he just absolved any and all responsibilities to your mom, he's off scott free. Doesn't seem quite right.

judy · 06-10-2011, 05:46 AM

I know what you mean, Gayle. However, it is less stress for you, Janet. His loss or gains are his problem to deal with.

I think that you have to "keep your eye on the prize," the prize being the easiest and least stressful environment there is for you and Mom, the better. Let everybody who doesn't want to jump on this train, fall by the wayside.

I still love Diana's idea of hiring someone for the times when you want to get out.
This puts you in control, not having to count on anybody else.

Congrats on your courage and gumption Janet!

DianaB · 06-10-2011, 07:53 AM

I'm glad that you got this off of your shoulders.......but like Gayle said he may take it that he doesn't have to worry about anything since you threw him out. I still think that you need to sit down with a calendar and have everyone take a weekend for the next couple of months and then they have to figure out how she'll be taken care of and for how long. You need to have a family meeting with your brothers and get this straightened out.

Does Brad realize that when you're Mom goes into the nursing home that all of her assets will be spent to take care of her.......and they have to be gone before the state will take over on her care? It's definitely worth taking care of them at home for as long as you can because of the finances. You might want to be checking with a lawyer to see what you can do ahead of time to save any assets your Mom might have. She may need to sign the house over to you kids or something like that.

judy · 06-10-2011, 10:18 AM

I think that needs to be done 5 years prior to being admitted to any facility, at least in NYS.

gja1000 · 06-10-2011, 10:28 AM

Yes, It's 5 years prior in Texas too, so that's probably standard

Janet · 06-16-2011, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gja1000

Janet, I'm glad you had your say and you were right to say what you did - but - he just got rewarded (in a twisted way) for his bad behavior. Now, he doesn't have to spend any time coming to see his/your mom - cause he isn't "welcome" at your house - even though you apologized. He has the supreme excuse that you don't want him at the house. Pretty convenient, huh!

Oh and the bit about "I work everyday" just hacks me off to the max. What the hell does he (and everyone else who says that) think is going on at your house every day! Geesh!

This kind of behavior makes me sooooo mad. I just hate it when bad people get rewarded for bad behavior. Of course, he is missing out on seeing his mom, so that is not really a reward, but he sure is going to be able to go on his four day fishing trips (and anywhere else) with no thoughts about anyone or anything else.

I know it is better for you with him not being there - I understand the "getting rid of toxic waste" and yes, you did get rid of some bad stuff. Overall it will probably be better for everyone - but still, he just absolved any and all responsibilities to your mom, he's off scott free. Doesn't seem quite right.

Gayle....just wanted you to know that you were/are so right!!! And that is why I value your opinion so much. Our confrontation was last Thursday....haven't heard from him since. Hope he has lots of regrets for what he's missing out on and how he makes Mom feel.

judy · 06-17-2011, 05:44 AM

Maybe Mom should call him and tell him how he makes her feel. Hope he gets stressed and feels very, very guilty!!!

Janet · 06-18-2011, 05:44 PM

She won't call him....she doesn't call anyone. I've tried to get her to call and check on a friend that always checks on her, but she doesn't. Mom doesn't go out of the way for anyone...she wants to be waited on.

Mom hasn't said anything about him...probably doesn't remember that he hasn't visited for awhile....9 days to be exact...no visit or calls.

judy · 06-19-2011, 07:01 AM

It's a good thing she has you as her caretaker, Janet! You have the patience, and are so loving with her. My Mom was the same way, but I was much younger, and did not have the patience.

06-09-2011, 06:00 PM	#1
Janet Moderator Donating 4WT 18K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: INDIANA Posts: 21,624	Part Of The Problem Is Gone It looks like I don't have to send the letter I was writing to my brothers after all. My younger brother Brad came this afternoon and played the weekly game of Yahtzee. I stayed in my room so they could visit privately. When I heard that he was about to leave, I came out to say goodbye. He said he was going home to eat. Then he just kind of stood there at the door and finally said that he was going to be busy on Saturday, but maybe he could get Mom for Sunday dinner and have her spend time at his house. It made my heart feel good and I started crying and said "thank you, it can be really hard". He then said (in a belittling tone) that maybe I should look into other options. I told him I wasn't putting her in a nursing home yet, it would make Mom so sad and she wouldn't last very long. He got angry and said that he can't help out any more than what he has been, because he works everyday. What the hell does he think I do all day with Mom and my home? Anyway...I lost it. I totally lost it. I told him that he sure found time to take two 4 day weekends to go fishing without a single call to Mom so it was obvious where his priority lied. That if he wanted to make time he could but that he was too selfish and always had been. He turned and started out the door and I yelled "just go ahead and get out you F n Ba_ _ _ _ d. He started to come back in and I yelled for him to get out...get out of my house....so he left. Of course I'm crying the whole time. I get up enough nerve and told Mom I opened my big mouth again and told her what happened and what was said. Mom wasn't upset at all. She said it was the truth and that he'd get over it. Still....I didn't want there to be any backlas for Mom. So....I texted that I was sorry. That I was exhausted and that he was still welcome to come visit Mom...that I would just excuse myself. Well, he texted back that he would not be visiting with Mom here...it would be somewhere else. He said more but to make it short....he's out of my life. I'm not disappointed at all. We really weren't on good terms anyway so I'm glad it's finally over. Such a pain in the "you know were"! It sounds sad....but he is such a selfish jerk and even though he is younger being around him I felt like I was walking on egg shells to keep from setting him off. He's so moody and judgemental. So.....life will go on....... __________________ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1

06-09-2011, 06:53 PM	#2
gja1000 Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Central Texas Posts: 5,717	Janet, I'm glad you had your say and you were right to say what you did - but - he just got rewarded (in a twisted way) for his bad behavior. Now, he doesn't have to spend any time coming to see his/your mom - cause he isn't "welcome" at your house - even though you apologized. He has the supreme excuse that you don't want him at the house. Pretty convenient, huh! Oh and the bit about "I work everyday" just hacks me off to the max. What the hell does he (and everyone else who says that) think is going on at your house every day! Geesh! This kind of behavior makes me sooooo mad. I just hate it when bad people get rewarded for bad behavior. Of course, he is missing out on seeing his mom, so that is not really a reward, but he sure is going to be able to go on his four day fishing trips (and anywhere else) with no thoughts about anyone or anything else. I know it is better for you with him not being there - I understand the "getting rid of toxic waste" and yes, you did get rid of some bad stuff. Overall it will probably be better for everyone - but still, he just absolved any and all responsibilities to your mom, he's off scott free. Doesn't seem quite right. __________________ Gayle

06-10-2011, 05:46 AM	#3
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	I know what you mean, Gayle. However, it is less stress for you, Janet. His loss or gains are his problem to deal with. I think that you have to "keep your eye on the prize," the prize being the easiest and least stressful environment there is for you and Mom, the better. Let everybody who doesn't want to jump on this train, fall by the wayside. I still love Diana's idea of hiring someone for the times when you want to get out. This puts you in control, not having to count on anybody else. Congrats on your courage and gumption Janet! __________________ *Judy*

06-10-2011, 10:18 AM	#5
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	I think that needs to be done 5 years prior to being admitted to any facility, at least in NYS. __________________ *Judy*

06-10-2011, 10:28 AM	#6
gja1000 Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Central Texas Posts: 5,717	Yes, It's 5 years prior in Texas too, so that's probably standard __________________ Gayle

06-10-2011, 07:53 AM	#4
DianaB Moderator Donating 4WT 13K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Kansas Posts: 16,069	I'm glad that you got this off of your shoulders.......but like Gayle said he may take it that he doesn't have to worry about anything since you threw him out. I still think that you need to sit down with a calendar and have everyone take a weekend for the next couple of months and then they have to figure out how she'll be taken care of and for how long. You need to have a family meeting with your brothers and get this straightened out. Does Brad realize that when you're Mom goes into the nursing home that all of her assets will be spent to take care of her.......and they have to be gone before the state will take over on her care? It's definitely worth taking care of them at home for as long as you can because of the finances. You might want to be checking with a lawyer to see what you can do ahead of time to save any assets your Mom might have. She may need to sign the house over to you kids or something like that.

06-17-2011, 05:44 AM	#8
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Maybe Mom should call him and tell him how he makes her feel. Hope he gets stressed and feels very, very guilty!!! __________________ *Judy*

06-18-2011, 05:44 PM	#9
Janet Moderator Donating 4WT 18K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: INDIANA Posts: 21,624	She won't call him....she doesn't call anyone. I've tried to get her to call and check on a friend that always checks on her, but she doesn't. Mom doesn't go out of the way for anyone...she wants to be waited on. Mom hasn't said anything about him...probably doesn't remember that he hasn't visited for awhile....9 days to be exact...no visit or calls. __________________ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1

06-19-2011, 07:01 AM	#10
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	It's a good thing she has you as her caretaker, Janet! You have the patience, and are so loving with her. My Mom was the same way, but I was much younger, and did not have the patience. __________________ *Judy*

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