need MIL advice

To make a long story short, my hubby and I got married Nov 2006 and his mother refused to meet me and come to the wedding. She lives literally 15 minutes down the road. Well, hubby said he was done with her blah blah blah. He and I were very hurt by it. Well he does see her by chance because he goes to see his little brother a lot cause his little brother has a bunch of terminal illnesses. Well, Adam (hubby) tells me that his mom emailed him and asked him to go to lunch with her. I'm actually kind of annoyed because he was like "well if she wants to go..." I feel as if he is falling into her trap. I know he still cares about his mom and I know she cares about him, but I just would like a little defense. I did nothing wrong to make her be this way. I feel that he should stand up to her and say if you don't want to have anything to do with my wife, then you don't want anything to do with me... or at least something... and every time I bring it up to him, he gets defensive... I really want to talk to him about this tonight... any suggestions?

Of course there is a lot more details to the story, but I'm at work and can't really be on here long. This is the basic idea

[Mandy]

Ashley, i dont know what to tell you. After all it is hes mother, dont hold him back from seeing her, you might regret it one day. Maybe its better to encourage him to contact her, that will show her, you are a better person.

I actually did when we were dating. His mom randomly kicked him out of the house and he started staying with me because he had no where to go... he was sleeping in his car... but then she started making stupid comments like "if you get her pregnant don't come running to me" and started stalking my myspace page to get information about me. Somehow she found out my last name and email address, which is not posted on myspace or anywhere else. When Adam told her we were getting married she flipped out and started screaming at him for 3 hours. She said it was against "God's will" to marry me (because I am just sooo horrible). None of his family even showed up to support him and his aunt actually met me. He was supposed to be close with her but she told him "Don't bother sending me an invitation."

I just feel very disrespected because I never did anything. I am his wife and he is a man that is capable of making his own decisions. I don't think it's fair of her to judge me the way she has. I believe in giving people a chance and I was never given that opportunity. I wanted to meet her and I still do, mainly now just to prove to her that I am not that bad of a person. It's not fair for my husband to have to go by himself. We should go visit her as a couple. One day we will have children... how's it going to be then? He goes to take the kids to grandma's house by himself? I have to leave because she's coming by. I just feel that if he is going to lunch with her, I should be with him. If he goes to see his brother, I should be with him. If there is a family emergency, I should be with him.

That's another thing. His brother is terminally ill with many diseases. He is 13 and could probably go at any time or live for another 50 years. It's hard to tell, but what if something did happen to his brother? I should be able to go with my husband to the funeral or hospital without fear of his mother, not for myself, not for MIL, but for Adam.

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Ashley, i dont know what to tell you. After all it is hes mother, dont hold him back from seeing her, you might regret it one day. Maybe its better to encourage him to contact her, that will show her, you are a better person.

Ashley, I agree with Mandy on this one. There is more to this story that you are telling us. Is there a reason why she didn't come to the wedding? If you want our input we need all the facts. I find it hard for a mom not to attend her own son's wedding for no reason at all. Like Mandy said show her that you are a better person, I know several people whom the grooms mother did not go to the wedding and they made up a year later. Sad they missed an important day in their sons life.

[Janet]

I really don't want to comment much until I know more about this situation. I can tell you not to stand between him and his mother. Show him that you know how important mothers are...someday you will be one and you want him to understand this now.

She kicked him out of the house. Adam says he doesn't know why, but he didn't have a place to live, so my mom and I let him stay with us. During that time I encouraged him to see her and try to make up with her. Everytime he would come back he would tell me of some snide remark she said about me. She once said "if you get her pregnant don't come running to me" and another time she assumed that I was under aged and told him to stay away. She started stalking me on myspace and found out stuff about me that I don't even know how she did. From July to Oct, Adam was in Arizona doing border patrol. In late Sept he found out he was on the list for Iraq and we started talking about marriage and went with it. We got married Nov. 18. In late Oct when we started planning the wedding he told his mom and asked her if she would like to meet me and help with the wedding plans. He said all she did was scream at him for 3 hours about why he shouldn't marry me. She said it was against God's will and in an email, which she emailed to me too, basically saying that our marriage counseling at a methodist church was not "godly" and told him that if wanted counseling for marriage that he should talk to the people at his old church that she went to. Adam had mentioned before that he didn't want to go to that church with me because they would get weird if you got married outside of the church. I'm thinking she's mad because 1) I took her "little boy" away and 2) Because the wedding wasn't in HER church.

His little brother (13) is very ill and she lost her husband 11 years ago due to a car accident. He is all she has and will have, but truthfully I don't think it's fair for her to push me away because of it. I'm not trying to stand between them... I would love for him to have a decent relationship with his mother, but I did nothing wrong. I don't even know her and I feel she judged me unfairly. All I want is for her to realize that I'm not a bad person and I can't do that if she never has even attempted to meet me. His whole family basically turned their backs on him because of this. I feel that a family should support another family member. My family didn't necessarily agree with me getting married so young, but they supported me and him every single step of the way. My family is very small and very close. They look at Adam as an extensioin and I would like to be thought of the same.

[Gina]

Ashley, sometimes people don't know how to go about things. In this case your mil has had misfortune with her husbands tragic death and dealing with her young sons illness. I am assuming that you and your husband didn't date for very long before marrying. Like you said she doesn't know you. Maybe she feels you both rushed into marriage.Yes you are both young and I as a mother of a 22 yr old son, please don't think that I am defending her, but I am putting myself in her shoes. I love my sons girlfriend but I would not want my son to get married now at this young age, he still has to finish college and get a job. Can I force him to listen no, but he feels the same way I do. I only advise. She probably never got a chance to know you, and looks at you for taking her son away from her, he became the man of the house when his father was killed. I think in time she will come around, she has missed the most important day of her sons life, and she someday will regret that, but for now you will have to forgive her. Your family sounds wonderful , I am sure your mil wasn't such a terrible woman before life threw curves balls her way. Forgive her and don't stop your husband from going there, she will come around when she sees that her son is happy and she will accept you. I will pray that things go forward soon.