Hard to write about

[judy]

I haven't been on a lot lately. I've been feeling very heavy and like I can't move forward. I know I'm lonely, but that's not insurmountable. I'm somewhat bored, partly because it was too hot this summer to do anything, and partly because I don't know what I want to do. Neither of these are things that can't be overcome.

This is hard to write about because I'm not clear about my feelings, and also because when I'm feeling down, I keep to myself for a while.

I realized a few weeks ago that since I'm 60 now, I have about 30 good years left (being very, very optimistic). I began to think about choices. What do I want to do with those 30 years? I asked myself if I wanted to be alone (single) and I don't.
I'm not into looking for someone right now, but I think I may start anyway. Not to sound negative - but to be realistic - 30 years isn't that long, and I don't have the luxury of letting things just happen. Of course, I could just spend my life like that too. It would be really easy. It is a choice to just let life happen, but it doesn't fit well with who I am. I would regret it I think.

The hardest part has to do with my daughter. I'm not happy and excited about life like I want to be. I posted a while ago that I had sent her flowers on 9/11. I had also sent her a note asking her if she wanted to, would she please call my financial guy with the children's' SS#'s because she and the children are my beneficiaries. I didn't expect an answer to either. A few days ago, I looked at my cell phone and noticed 2 messages. They were from her husband and were disgusting and nasty and stupid and negative. Truthfully, if he weren't involved with my daughter, I doubt if I would even care, he's so over the top vile. What really upset me was that she allows him to treat me like this.

I've been so upset wondering what it was that I could possibly have done for her to hate me so much. I really didn't do anything that terrible. I made mistakes like all mothers do, but I certainly don't deserve this. I hate to say this, but I do not like her, nor do I think she's emotionally normal. This began before her MS, but got really bad after she was diagnosed. I'm not comfortable blaming the MS, but maybe the anger associated with being so sick. Or, maybe it is the MS. I still don't deserve it. I do feel so terribly sad that she's got such an illness. I'm so confused.


None of this means that I don't love her and as much as I just want to move on ,
it frightens me that we won't ever have a relationship again. I don't know how to reconcile with that so that I can be happy again. I know I deserve to be happy. I have no idea of how to get there.

I'm really glad I wrote this. I needed to write it out for clarity and I needed to share it in a completely honest way. I love you ail for being here. I know I can say what I need to say with you.

Judy

[Mandy]

I'm glad you vented, you know we are here for you!
Sorry you feeling like this, but i see it as a wake up call. It's time to live life for yourself, and you owe it to yourself to be happy!
If it means with a new partner, if that's what you want, dont let anyone hold you back.
Dont wait for your daughter, i know this must be terribly terribly difficult, but girl, you cant sit back, and wait for her to stop, and smell the roses. If she is happy living with a man that keeps her under control, then that is her choice, but do not let it affect you whole life.
You have alot to live for girl, you have 2 beautiful fur babies that will never ever hurt you!
You are a very pretty lady, dont let "them" get to you, because that will spoil the fun life has to offer you, and that is a whole lot!

[goofywife]

Wow, I am glad you shared, what a heavy burden. I really do not know what to tell you except to pray. We have been watching a series on Life Church's website called 30 days. It is about what would you do if you had 30 days to live.

Your daughter is a grown women with children of her own. I went through some really bad times with my daugther when she was a teenager. I kept praying and one day it happened. It was a mothers day. SInce then (about 6 years now) we have really enjoyed a great relationship. Fron your post it seems like your daugthers husband is whats blocking your realtionship her.

I will pray for her heart to open to you. Life is too short.


http://www.lifechurch.tv/p/39/Defaul...eria=30%20days

[AngieDoogles]

Judy, I'm so sorry you are feeling down right now. We are here for you ANYTIME you ever need to vent.

It just breaks my heart to hear that you are feeling so sad, but remember how many wonderful things you have in your life. You have two adorable little furbabies, you are independent, caring, compassionate, you are active, beautiful, strong, healthy. You have a lot of things to be thankful for, as we all do, sometimes it's just hard to find them and focus on those things instead of the negatives.

Your daughter is really missing out on a lot by not talking to you. You are a wonderful, amazing person and I'm sure she'd be so much happier if she would just stand up to her husband and let you in her life. I will continue to pray that this happens.

Remember, we are here for you anytime you're feeling down. *hugs*

[Lindsey]

Judy, I'm glad you got all your feelings out... sometimes just writing it all out or telling someone is half the weight. Your daughter is an adult, she can make her own decisions. I know it must tear you apart, but hopefully she will realize soon that she only gets one mother, and people don't live forever.
You're a wonderful person, and to tell you the truth, I look up to you! I feel that you're such a strong woman, and you know what you want, and you go for it. You have gotten out of bad relationships and you're okay with being single. I'm usually asked by older women "Do you have a boyfriend? When are you getting married?" As a single(ish) woman, I have a lot of respect for other woman who are comfortable enough with themselves to not NEED a man. I understand being lonely, and I hope you can find a companion who will fill an empty spot in your life. Until then, you have your adorable furbabies and all the women here who love you!

[judy]

Thanks for your wonderful support, and especially your prayers. I need to find my way through the heartbreak to the happiness. It's like a wall I've come up against and don't know how to pass through to the other side.

I'm not saying it won't always hurt, but hurt doesn't have to negate happiness.

(MS is a terrible disease, and I don't ever expect to feel okay about that. That just sucks for her! That's a whole different issue though).