Funny Jokes and One-liners from Real Résumés

[Tink]

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'

2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet , so you can ' ooh' and ' aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

17. 'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

18. 'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

19. 'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

20. 'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

21. 'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping' . I have never quit a job.'

22. 'Marital status: often. Children: various.'

23. 'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

24. 'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. 'Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

26. 'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'

[DianaB]

OMGosh! I couldn't imagine reading a resume with stuff like that in it!! I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face!!! Thanks, Tink!!!

[Janet]

Oh Tink, those were so hilarious. You are just cracking me up this morning!!!

[katcarasella]

I don't know where you find this stuff.

[teri88]

My sister is an HR manager....people really are that stupid! Thanks for the laugh.

[AngieDoogles]

LOL, I like 26.