...............divorce?

I am so glad to find this place, I really need to vent (I hope that's ok for a first post?). I don't know what to do. My husband & I have been together a few years, married about 1 1/2. we are now seperated... I was just miserable.

In our relationship I took care of the house, kids, classes, and a small business on the side... he payed the bills. In the beginning we seemed so in tune with each other... but it got to the point that we never really even talked... I have to get up early to get the kids off to school, and go to class. He would get up sometime between noon and 3... when the kids & I got home, he would have just left for work, and home about the kids bedtime.

Of course, that's IF he worked that day... he likes to talk about how his days are so long because he gets home so late... but in reality he would work a few hours a day, a few days a week... and almost NEVER up before noon. When he gets hom, he would go to the den/basement and drink beer until 3-4 in the morning... and do it all over the next day.

Now, he never beat me, but I did feel neglected... and he would yell over stupid things (prolly cause of a hangover) which just left me feeling like crap (can I say that?) and un appreciated... like I would spend 4 hours scrubbing the house that has 4 children in it, and he would get up/get home any yell about the dishwasher not being loaded...

Eventually I just said forget it. I made him leave.

We have talked more in the last 2m than in the last 8. Still though... I start thinking about how different our backgrounds are, and how we act, and how we want to achieve our goals... and I just don't see the compatability that I thought I saw at first... like I ignored the obvious and just figured that opposits attract...

Anyway, it's like he won't let me break up with him, lol. Every time I have told him, what he's doing is not really bad, just not what I want in a partnership...

{he dosen't want to get up early and I have to. I want someone who is home and awake when the rest of the family is. He did pay the bills, but hell, we NEVER had sex anymore even though I REALLY wanted to... because we didn't have the opportunity... we were only in the bed together for maybe 2hrs a night... if he didn't fall asleep downstairs.}

He just gets it in his head that I am telling him he has to work harder... He never gets it that I'm telling him I'm done... even when I say it directly Then he will do things differently, a little... and I start feeling like maybe it could work....?

He finally understood hos much I hate the drinking. So he agreed to quit. He went almost a week without a drink, and was like "see? no DT's... I'm not an alcoholic". then started drinking again.

He is really wanting to work things out... I'm just at the point where I don't even care anymore. When he comes over & starts to discipline the kids, I'm thinking 'this is why he dosen't live here' and I even told him that if he was a boyfriend who was trying to move in with me, I would break up with him... and I don't understand why the fact that there is a paper that says we're married means he can treat us like he does...

Gosh this ended up soooo long winded.... I guess I just want to talk it out with people who are totally non-biased... I don't know if I should give in and try harder, or move on. Do I need a lawyer or a counceler?

J

[BabyNicole]

Sorry you are going through this! I do believe a lot of your problems stem from his drinking. It is a disease, and in order to stop he needs serious help. And he can NEVER have a drink again. I dated someone who was an alcoholic and I will never do it again. Maybe live apart, and tell him you won't considering working on anything until HE gets help.

Oh, and drinking and sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression/self medication. Is he depressed about anything? Maybe he feels like a failure. And well, he is being one since he's treating you and your children like this.

Something needs to be done asap. I truly hope all works out for you!!!!

[Janet]

Okay here goes my personal opinion again...I think you should stay apart for the time being. Go to couples therapy and if he won't go....go alone. After a couple has been together for awhile...it seems there comes some bumps in the road, in mine, it was a mountain!!! Discuss with him to get counceling for his drinking, if he is not willing, then he obviously cares more for the drink than his family. Anyway, you still need to go and get the help anyway. There are a lot of free services out there, also, if finances are a problem. I would definitely get to the root of the problem before the ties are severed.

[magnolia]

I also have dealt with an alcoholic in the past (my older brother). Until your husband admits he has a drinking problem (and a person with a drinking problem is one who can't get through a single day without having a drink - and then can't stop with one), he will continue just as he has been. Also, as Janet said, he may be dealing with some depression and added with the drinking - not good. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you found this place - GREAT place to vent, laugh, and lean on shoulders (there are some great ones here). Try to get into counseling with him, or go alone. You will feel so much better

Oh, and welcome to 4WT - hope you stick around and give us a chance to get to know you and you get to know us.

[RLC12345678]

Your husband is probably drinking because he is depressed so confronting him about the drinking is going to cause him to feel threatened and attacked and I think that will only make matters worse. Afterall, I believe that it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Yes, he has his share of problems that are contributing to the decline of this marriage, but I am sure there are some things that you could work on yourself. It takes TWO to tango, as I like to say. So, with that being said, I would not attack your husband about his drinking and tell him that HE is the one that needs help and HE is the one who needs counseling. I think BOTH of you need help. You BOTH need to go to counseling together as well as separately. I think that in the counseling sessions would be a good time for BOTH of you to get everything out on the table. He can be open and honest about what he doesn't like about his life that is causing him to drink and you can be open and honest about your feelings. Men do not like to feel attacked or threatened. If you attack him, he is going to push harder and harder against you. I think in a caring and compassionate conversation, you need to express how you want to stay wtih him but yall BOTH need to go to counseling in order to make it work. Tell him that YOU BOTH have issues that you need to work on that will not be resolved without counseling. Tell him that it is as much your fault as it is his, even if you don't truly feel that it is. Give him an ultimateum...If he refuses to go to counseling, get a divorce.

Best of luck to you. I, too, hope you stick around. We would love to get to know you better.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll have to say, that I probably agree with the others about the drinking. If he's up all night drinking, then he'll continue sleeping all day instead of trying to mesh with you & the childerens daytime schedules. Although I do know some couples who are happy & compatible with such opposite schedules.....I know that I would not. I'm like you & want my guy around during all the 'normal' family times.

How long have you been together? Are your children yours, his, both of yours?? How old are they? I tend to think that whenever children are involved, especially young children, than counceling is always a good bet. If you have some doubt about ending the relationship then maybe just try counceling. The worst that could happen is that the divorce is delayed & it sounds like the relationship is not unsafe for you or the kids. Who knows, maybe you can dig to the root of the problem & fix it. Has he always been a drinker & on a night schedule??

[SweetCuteness]

While I do agree with what everyone has said - especially regarding the conceling, you kind of sound like your mind is 99% made up. For counceling to be able to work, you're going to have to go into it with an open mind. If your mind is saying "it's over, I'm done," the counceling will be ineffective. Best of luck to you!!