Mother-Daughter relationships

[Lindsey]

How close are you to your mom?
For me, it's not close at all. I hate to say this, but in my whole life I don't remember either of my parents giving me a hug once. When I was a teenager I pulled away pretty bad because my mom was always accusing me of being promiscuous and not doing enough schoolwork, and not having good enough grades even though I was always on the honor roll. When I actually did have sex for the first time, after dating the guy for two years, I told her and she was very surprised. But she wasted no time telling me I better not be pregnant and she would make me have an abortion if I was.
When I was 18 I was raped, and I never told her. As a result I started to cut myself and she found me one night in the bathroom after cutting a wrist with a razorblade. I didn't get a hug. I got told not to tell anyone what happened, and to never do it again.
I'm not in the profession she wants me to be in, and my grades in college aren't what she wants them to be. She has something bad to say about every guy I've dated and every friend I've ever had, even if it's just to say they're fat. Tonight she called me to let me know this is NOT the time to be getting sick when I have finals to write and I should go to school even though I'm sick, and why are my projects not done yet?
I am so jealous of my friends who are super close to their moms and can tell them anything. I envy the ones who have crossed the line from being a little kid to being a friend.

[Tink]

I'm sorry your Mom wasn't there for you like you wanted her to be. That basically sux.

My Mom is very different from me. I'm so much like my Dad that I've wondered if my Mom really had any doing in my creation. LOL As different as we are, I have to say she was/IS a good mom. She's always put family first, took her role as protector, disciplinarian and caretaker very seriously. While I can't lie and say I consider her a close friend, I do appreciate the mothering she has done.

I guess I'm different from you in that I figure Moms should stay Moms rather than become like freinds. I have friends around the globe and some who I am very close to. I have only one Mom and regardless how things are going between her and I, she is always special to me simply because she is Mom. I can call her up and confide in her when I want to. She does the same. I send her $$ each month now that she's widowed/retired and doesn't have the kind of income she's used to. When one of us is ill, the other is always there offering support and help. We would probably not ever have become friends if we weren't related, but I sure am glad she's my Mom.

[Marilyn]

My Mother was hard to please. She, too had very high expectations, and I failed in many respects. Like you, I was in National Honor Society, and she thought my grades were not good eough. I got a degree in engineering which she never understood and she definitely didn't like me working with men.

We had a strange relationship. When she and my father had arguments, I was the one who consoled her and listened to her. I knew more than I really should have about their relationship, but looking back, she did love me very much and spoiled me in many ways. I was her only child, and she expected a lot of me. As I get older, I appreciate her much more than I did when I was younger. All in all, she was a very good mom. She did the best she knew how.

My father passed away in 1995, and my mother developed dementia soon after and spend the last four years of her life in a nursing home. I visited almost every day. My daughters would do there homework there in the evenings while I fed her and read or sang to her. She passed away in 2000.

I do miss her and wish at times that I could tell her about things. Apologize for some things and ask her about others.

I know my own daughters have complaints about me. Partly because I'm probably a little more like my own mother in some ways than I would like to admit. Oh, well, we do our best.

[Kimberley]

My mother is my best friend. We didn't always be like that, though. We use to fight horribly but since I've gotten older, I accept her advice. Even now I don't always agree with what she says but I always show respect and keep it in the back of my mind. She's usually right about 99% of the time.

[Gina]

Lindsey it sounds like your mother is living her life through you. The things she never did , whether she wanted to or was diffucult for her. She is being very hard on you. I have a college daughter your age and sometimes the expectations are high, I always praised both of my children growing up when they excelled. Now that they are in college , and pursing their careers I always keep on top of them, by giving them confidence and telling them when they are stressed out that study you can do it, and they usually do pass with great grades.

Getting back to your mom she loves you but probably doesn't know how to show it. Word of advice I tell my kids , excel for yourself, do the best and at the end it will pay off. Trust me.

As for my mom, she passed away it will be 7 yrs. My mom was a sweet woman, she did the best that she could. I did a lot for her towards the end of her life, but somehow she didn't ever show appreciation. She was this way all her life, deep down she did appreciate but would never show or tell you. It was like things you did for her were expected I refuse to be this way with my kids, I do show and tell my appreciation.

Lindsey just do your best and you will preservere.... Good luck!

[Janet]

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like. My mother was not loving when my sister and I were growing up. She very rarely ever said she loved us. My dad was the loving one. He would not let us leave the house with out saying he loved us. Neither one of my parents were raised in a loving home. The father was the provider, the wife a servant and the children the co-workers. My father was not going to let his children grow up that way. My mom kind of took after her mom. My father was her everything. We always came second. My father passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He had cancer for 3 months. We took care of him at home. My sister, mother and I became very close through that. Now my mom has changed her ways. She says " I love you" every time we talk and gives hugs. She is a wonderful grandmother. My sister and my mom are my best friends now. I look at what was not the greatest when I was growing up. Then use that to better myself for my children. I hope my children learn from my mistakes, so they may do better for their children.

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Janet

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Aww Janet, this is so sad to hear... She has and is missing out on a great relationship with you her daughter... If she is a self centered person, no matter what you do, will never be good enough. At this stage of the game you have two choices, I would just tell her point blank on how you feel. Lay all the cards on the table and tell her that you have felt hurt, maybe she never realized that she is acting this way. Was your grandmother the same way? Or just ignore it and you do realize that she is not going to change at this point and accept the relationship for what it is....

[Kimberley]

Originally Posted by Janet

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Hugs to you, Janet. I'm sorry that your mother is this way and has treated you poorly. You are a really nice person...(maybe you got your personality from your dad. ) Hang in there...something in her life has made her not-so-friendly...maybe her parents???

[cindy0721]

Oh gosh.. I'm sorry you don't have a close relationship with your mom... my mother and I are like best buddies... we tell each other everything.. I have 2 sisters I'm the middle one(23) my oldest sis is(39) and youngest is (15) and I am the one that takes care of my mom the most.. we go shopping and to the morning garage sales.... but like my mom says.. people are like the fingers are your hand ..different sizes and colors...

my mother and i are not close at all... my mother and father got married when my mom got pregnant at 16 and my dad was 22... my mom was a hippie and druggie...and my dad was a con artist and prof thief... he went to jail (funny thing is he didnt even get caught doing one of his jobs...he just happened to be walking by a building that was being hit lol) my dad got saved and got out and became a pastor. well my mom stayed a drug addict (being a nurse didnt really help out) and she had a ton of medical problems..i dont really remember when she wasnt in the hospital. my mom was absolutely in love with my two sisters, one is 29 and the other 18. she did everything for them... but for some reason she hated me. we never hardly talked or did anything together. but whenever she would overdose or try to kill herself it was me who had to pick her up off the floor and hide it from my sisters and all the church people so that they wouldnt know. well my parents got divorced after 26 years of marriage and now my mom travels around still doing drugs with some guy she met and married in rehab.the last time i saw her i didnt recognize her ...she went from a former model to a crack whore looking thing. and my father married the biggest *itch in history lol... so no im not close to my mom... or my family...dont worry about it though... thats why God gave us forgiveness and the ability to love and create families of our own.

[Brooke]

Well I was abused as a kid...my parents divorced and my Dad wound up just not calling one day. We didn't know if he was alive or dead for many years. it turned out he was alive and he came back into our lives for a long time then left again!!!

My Mom beat the living daylights out of my sisters and I...She was alos loving when we were little. She had a terrible temper so we never knew what would set her off...never knew if she was gonna TURN or not. It was like walking on egg shells.

To my mom I was so pretty and smart at times, but other tiems a stupid, moron, idiot, dope... No wonder my self estem has been so screwed up!!!

As teens my sisters and i never got hugs... never got an I LOVE YOU... I think once we got older she didn'tknow how to show her love. The good thing was she stopped beating us as teens too!

My Mom has ALWAY manipulted me and my sisters... As adults we deal with guilt trips. She tries to tell us what to do and how to do it. She got sick about 10 years ago and was ordering me around like crazy... Soemthing snapped in me and I have not been the same since. Now when she pushes I back away. I dont call often and she seems to know now I have my limit as far as what I will put up with. I know she thinks I am a horrible daughter for not taking better care of her but I don't care.. I have to take care of myself first...

The up side of all this is I am SO close to my kids. My daughter is 18 and my son is 22. They get tons of hugs all the time. I love yous overflowing. WE talk about every little thing and I tell them how wonderful and smart they are and I mean it! I think having the bad childhood I did has made me a much better parent and I don't know if I would change it if I could... My heart goes out to the underdog because I am one... I am compasionate and loving and giving because of what I went through as a kid and that really can't be ALL BAD! You always gotta look for the good in the tough times!!!

[Brooke]

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Brooke

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!

Isn't it strange Brooke how both you and I were honest about our childhood and mother and then repost, basically saying the same thing, that we knew we were loved and vice versa. We still have this guilt at times as adults. I don't feel near as guilty as I use to. I've made peace with how things were and I think that helped ease some of the guilt. It wasn't our fault. It's just how it was. I think it made both of us who we are today and I think we're pretty darn good mothers, friends and daughters, in spite of it all.

[khardy57]

Brooke and Janet:

I read your posts and all I can say is you both turned out well. Brooke is close to her children and so are you, Janet. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason so maybe that's what made you both the good people you are today.

Maybe seeing the mistakes that your mothers made helped you both to be better mothers because you aren't repeating those behaviors.

God bless you both

Kim