so angry!!

[Janet]

How are you Ashley...everything okay?

Oh no.. I'm not good at all.

I'm just really surprised..for lack of a better word. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man, and even though I said I wouldn't be talking to him, I picked up the phone and we do have normal civilized conversations. I mention that he has hurt me, and he's like "aint nobody hurt you.." etc. I'm thinking to myself where was the man I fell in love with? I just can't seem to fathom how for the last three years you think you know someone, and then all of a sudden, every trait, every characteristic about them is suddenly foreign and different to you? He doesn't treat me the right way anymore.. he swears at me, and tells me "I'm just looking for a problem." He had the nerve to tell me yesterday, "your mother didn't raise you right." He has issues with my mom because she doesn't like him.

I'm thinking to myself.. I think I turned out alright. I just got one of two law school recommendations yesterday. My teacher told me to keep in contact with him, to let him know if he could help me with anything else, if the school needed another rec. from him. I have people here trying to help me, I mean how bad could I have turned out?

Then we will be okay for a little while. We will talk like we used to.. and then he will start telling me, "ashley, if we ever had children, I don't want you always leaving us to go visit your family." (the gist of what he said, not word for word) He said we would be moving to TX and all my fam lives in Cali. He said, "I don't think you'd be a good mother because you would leave your husband and children for your family." And then he went on to state that, "If we do have children, I'm going to tell them how fake your aunt is (my sister)" My sister also does not like him.

A. I know, we're broken up. B. He still talks to me as if there's hope of a reconciliation. I'm not quite sure what to do. But, my gran says that maybe I need to cease contact with him all together. Not sure if I can do that. But I know its not healthy for me to continue talking to him in this manner. He's just different.. the things he says, and how he says them. One minute he's sorry, and the next he says he didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what to do..

I was always taught you stick by something. I feel like I betrayed him in the worst way possible. I told him I would never leave him, but I didn't think he would be like this.. Maybe this is what everyone warned me about. He and his ex had a nasty breakup (i went to high school with her) and both of them had to put restraining orders on each other. My gran says that could be indicative of the type of person he is. But I still remember him as my honeybunny. It's just he hasn't been that for a long time...


I'm in so much turmoil right now. I know I made the right decision, but why do I still feel so bad??

Ashley

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by aarnold808

all of a sudden, every trait, every characteristic about them is suddenly foreign and different to you?

I understand this statement SO well Ashley, you have no idea.

As for your problem, I know it's tough, but the signs were so negative. You made your decision and though it's hard, you should stick to it. He is not right for you. There is an amazing guy out there waiting for you and I'm just positive you will find him. Concentrate on yourself and your school for now. The rest will take care of itself in time.

*hugs*

I'm here if you need to talk.

[Tink]

Ashley, he sounds so typical of a controling personality. Is he also an alcoholic? That often goes hand in hand.

YOU didn't hurt him! I wish you could believe that. You simply stopped letting him control you... that's not hurtful, it's HEALTHY. He is likely using your families faults (as HE sees them) to make you side with him and take you away from them so he can gain further control. Please don't do it! I have the creeps just reding about him... it's too familiar to how some of the guys at the drug/alcohol treatment center I worked at were. They'd lay on the charm to get their way, then refuse to take responsibility for anything. It's not safe to be with someone like that!

I have to agree with your Mom that he has the potential to become abusive physically in the future. He's already playing mind games to manipulate.

You're a smart lady, please don't settle for this.

Originally Posted by Tink

Ashley, he sounds so typical of a controling personality. Is he also an alcoholic? That often goes hand in hand.

YOU didn't hurt him! I wish you could believe that. You simply stopped letting him control you... that's not hurtful, it's HEALTHY. He is likely using your families faults (as HE sees them) to make you side with him and take you away from them so he can gain further control. Please don't do it! I have the creeps just reding about him... it's too familiar to how some of the guys at the drug/alcohol treatment center I worked at were. They'd lay on the charm to get their way, then refuse to take responsibility for anything. It's not safe to be with someone like that!

I have to agree with your Mom that he has the potential to become abusive physically in the future. He's already playing mind games to manipulate.

You're a smart lady, please don't settle for this.

No, actually he doesn't smoke or drink. I think you're absolutely right. I just don't know what to do. If I say something to make him angry like "stop calling me," he will leave work, and come straight to my house. He's done this 2x already. It's difficult. I do not like confrontation, so I try to appease him so he can leave the premises. However, although he has never hit me, he has withheld me from leaving a room when we argue. I never told my mom about it because she would have him arrested in a second.
I don't know how to keep him out of my life. I've already changed my number, I don't want to do that again. I don't want to go thru the restraining order process because that is just way too much drama. How do I get him to leave me alone? Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks that this is just a "little problem" and that we are still together?

Ashley

[Janet]

Ashley, he sounds so dangerous. One classic sign is he wants to take you to Texas away from your family's influence. Next you won't be able to have any friends to talk with, he won't want to take the chance they would talk you into leaving him. You need to be strong and not speak with him at all. Walk, no run away and don't look back. You have a bright future ahead of you in law, and he will ruin everything you've worked for. No person will try to control another person in the name of love. He does not love you...he is losing control of you and pretty soon he'll lose control of himself. Ashley...quite honestly...you can end up dead. You know this as well! You need to be really honest with yourself....you can do soooo much better.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Janet

Ashley, he sounds so dangerous. One classic sign is he wants to take you to Texas away from your family's influence. Next you won't be able to have any friends to talk with, he won't want to take the chance they would talk you into leaving him. You need to be strong and not speak with him at all. Walk, no run away and don't look back. You have a bright future ahead of you in law, and he will ruin everything you've worked for. No person will try to control another person in the name of love. He does not love you...he is losing control of you and pretty soon he'll lose control of himself. Ashley...quite honestly...you can end up dead. You know this as well! You need to be really honest with yourself....you can do soooo much better.

I completely agree Janet. He sounds very dangerous. You are lucky that you were able to get out of this relationship early Ashley.

[DianaB]

I agree with Janet too. In everything that you're telling us we can see that he's trying to control you. It sounds like he's not too far from physical abuse, especially if he can get you away from family and friends. As Janet said, Run away from this guy! Maybe you should go and spend the summer with a grandparent or some friends and let things cool down a bit. Do NOT have contact with this guy! He sounds dangerous!

[Chandra Amaya]

I completely agree with what everyone else has said. Ashley I have been in this situation. I kept talking to the guy because I loved him & felt bad for him. I didn't want him to hurt. He held me hostage in my home. He kicked my door in & attacked my new boyfriend when I got one. (now my husband). He kept everything my kids & I owned trying to get me to come back to his house. I took out an order of protection & ended up giving him all of our stuff that was at his house (everything we owned) in court because the judge would not give me an escort to get it. BUT I cut all ties that day. It's the only way he would stop. He had made some threats & I was sure he would have followed through had I not stood up for myself & invovled the legal system. I know how scary it sounds but believe me you will feel much better once you have put a stop to his contact.

[Janet]

You've gotten good advice Ashley, please pay heed, we care!