Repairing a Friendship

[Willow]

Ok a couple months ago my friend of 14 years decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly her reasons are "she thinks I am trying to live her life for her." Her belief is based on the fact that I didn't approve of some things and I was very vocal about my opinions on it.

We have do have different beliefs, but I didn't think that should affect a friendship. I am Christian, she is Wiccan (at least she thinks she is. I have seen her in action. She wouldn't know what Wicca really is if it bit her in the butt! She has watched one too many episodes of Charmed and Buffy if you ask me!)

Anyway, she got angry with me for disapproving of her going back to her husband who had cheated on her twice. I realize it is her choice, but I tried to make her think about her two girls. She said they are the reason she went back to the lying cheating low life! (this was his second offense).

Then back in August she asked to come spend a few days with us while her husband was on a run (truck driver). We told her her girls would have to follow our houserules as far as bedtimes and such while they were here. She was ok with that until the second night. She yelled at my husband when he told her girls to go to bed and insisted that they did not have to go to bed. I believe kids need structure and discipline, she doesn't. Her girls are basically allowed to stay up until they fall asleep where they are or go to bed on their own. Which ever happens first.

That same week we gave her a Morkie we had named Max. I was torn about letting him go, but she really wanted him and swore she would give him a good home. A few weeks later she messages me and says they dropped off Bay, their other dog, and I freaked out worried they would do the same with Max. I was undecided about going to get Max. A few weeks later I was trying to ask her if something was wrong (this had been about a month after she was at my house) because I noticed she wasn't talking to me as much as she used to. I told her if she was upset at me for something she should just tell me. She then informed me that she had decided while she had been at my house that we were no longer friends and basically she played nice to get my dog.

That was it for me. I showed up the next day with the sheriff and took my dog back. We haven't spoken since. I could tell by the look on her face that I really hurt her when I showed up and took Max with the help of the police. She never denied he was mine, she just said, "there's your dog." Max was ecstatic to see me. She had tried to groom him herself and he had razor burn on his tail and butt where she had shaved him to the skin. He was red and raw and I must have used two or three tubes of neosporin on him! Poor guy!!

Ok so this has been two months now, and even though she is not perfect, I really miss her and the girls. I mean, I am not perfect either, but should a friendship end so after a disagreement?

My husband I should add is thrilled that she isn't my friend. He hates her. He has also said if I ever let her come here again he would leave. I guess that should be my answer. But it is hard for me to just let go of a friend that I have had for so long. We loved and hated eachother like we were sisters.

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out I guess. Thanks.

[Willow]

and after re-reading what I have wrote I realize how childish the whole thing sounds. Obviously I didn't handle any of the situations with the maturity of an adult. More like that of a little kid.

[magnolia]

Please don't feel that way - you handled the situation the best way you could at the time. There isn't a situation we've all been in at one time or another that we haven't looked back over it hours, days, weeks, or months later and commented that we could have handled it better so don't worry yourself over that.

As for the friendship, I think you already know the answer. It's hard to let go of a close friendship but part of having (and maintaining) a friendship is like a marriage - give and take on both parts. Seems from what I read, you've been giving, she's been taking and never returned in kind. I had a very, very close friend of mine that I "lost" several years ago. She was my best friend, I was matron of honor at her wedding, and her "rock" when she divorced years later. She always told me she didn't know how she would have gotten through with a 2 year old if not for me. Once she started "living" again after the divorce, I introduced her to friends of mine, hoping that she would make more friends. Well, no sooner than I introduced her to a girl I worked with and who I was friends with, she became friends with her and I was glad - we did things as a threesome! It got to a point where she stopped calling me and inviting me places with her. I'd call her and ask what she was doing and she would reply she and Julie were going shopping, or going to lunch, or going over to Julie's, etc. Her and her boyfriend began to have cook-outs with Julie and her husband (something we had all done as couples together) and not inviting hubby and I. Of course, that is no way to treat a friend - only there when you need them type of thing. I also realized that she could not be friends with more than one person at a time. We talked about it and I told her how I felt - shut out from her life, cast aside like yesterday's news. I even told her if not for me introducing them, she wouldn't even know Julie and I was glad that they were friends and admitted I was jealous of her "dumping" me for Julie's friendship. I told her I felt like she had just used me our entire friendship to benefit herself. She didn't really defend herself and was, or so it seemed, genuinely upset, that I was upset. But we drifted apart - a great friendship gone. Do I have regrets? Some - but I realized things happen for a reason that we can't always explain or understand. This seems to be a time in your life where you don't understand and can't explain the reasons. Follow your heart! If your heart tells you to call her, then do so - talk it out. You will feel better regardless of how things turn out and you will get your true answer based on her actions/reactions to your call.

Best of luck to you! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mandy]

Hmm.... i don't have the answer for you, but i think deep down you know what to do! I just want to wish you all the best

[Willow]

Thanks ladies. I just find it hard to cut people out of my life. She has said in a letter that she didn't want anymore contact with me and I have been honoring that but I have since found out that the way things ended have bothered her too. I guess I have just been waiting to see if she would try to contact me.

[magnolia]

Originally Posted by Willow

Thanks ladies. I just find it hard to cut people out of my life. She has said in a letter that she didn't want anymore contact with me and I have been honoring that but I have since found out that the way things ended have bothered her too. I guess I have just been waiting to see if she would try to contact me.

And maybe she's sitting there waiting for you to contact her. If you feel in your heart it's the right thing to do, then give her a call. As I said earlier, if nothing more comes of it, then you can feel good about your attempt to repair the friendship. The friend I mentioned above - she and I are slowly working our way back to being friends. But it's been too many years and too many changes in our lives so it's a struggle. We may go days or weeks without calling or emailing one another but compared to the past where we went years without speaking, this is progress for us. Whatever decision you make, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers

[Necee419]

Looking from the outside in, it looks like you guys had a "toxic" relationship. She basically leeched on you and you gave and gave and never got anything in return. There is a saying in Spanish that says that "habit is more powerful than love." This refers to people who stay together more because they are used to having each other around and not so much because they love one another. I think you miss her because she was always a part of your life, but not really because she was a positive one. Your husband is the best judge in this situation because he loves you and knows what your friendship with this women does to you emotionally. If he objects so strongly, I am sure it is for a good reason. While only you know what is the right decision for you, I personally believe you should leave well enough alone. If you feel that you need to clear the air with her, mostly to clear your conscience, then do so, but you should not attempt to rekindle the friendship. In the end, you may cause problems in your marriage, and add aggravation to your life. Is her friendship really worth all of that?

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Willow

Ok a couple months ago my friend of 14 years decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly her reasons are "she thinks I am trying to live her life for her." Her belief is based on the fact that I didn't approve of some things and I was very vocal about my opinions on it.

We have do have different beliefs, but I didn't think that should affect a friendship. I am Christian, she is Wiccan (at least she thinks she is. I have seen her in action. She wouldn't know what Wicca really is if it bit her in the butt! She has watched one too many episodes of Charmed and Buffy if you ask me!)

Anyway, she got angry with me for disapproving of her going back to her husband who had cheated on her twice. I realize it is her choice, but I tried to make her think about her two girls. She said they are the reason she went back to the lying cheating low life! (this was his second offense).

Then back in August she asked to come spend a few days with us while her husband was on a run (truck driver). We told her her girls would have to follow our houserules as far as bedtimes and such while they were here. She was ok with that until the second night. She yelled at my husband when he told her girls to go to bed and insisted that they did not have to go to bed. I believe kids need structure and discipline, she doesn't. Her girls are basically allowed to stay up until they fall asleep where they are or go to bed on their own. Which ever happens first.

That same week we gave her a Morkie we had named Max. I was torn about letting him go, but she really wanted him and swore she would give him a good home. A few weeks later she messages me and says they dropped off Bay, their other dog, and I freaked out worried they would do the same with Max. I was undecided about going to get Max. A few weeks later I was trying to ask her if something was wrong (this had been about a month after she was at my house) because I noticed she wasn't talking to me as much as she used to. I told her if she was upset at me for something she should just tell me. She then informed me that she had decided while she had been at my house that we were no longer friends and basically she played nice to get my dog.

That was it for me. I showed up the next day with the sheriff and took my dog back. We haven't spoken since. I could tell by the look on her face that I really hurt her when I showed up and took Max with the help of the police. She never denied he was mine, she just said, "there's your dog." Max was ecstatic to see me. She had tried to groom him herself and he had razor burn on his tail and butt where she had shaved him to the skin. He was red and raw and I must have used two or three tubes of neosporin on him! Poor guy!!

Ok so this has been two months now, and even though she is not perfect, I really miss her and the girls. I mean, I am not perfect either, but should a friendship end so after a disagreement?

My husband I should add is thrilled that she isn't my friend. He hates her. He has also said if I ever let her come here again he would leave. I guess that should be my answer. But it is hard for me to just let go of a friend that I have had for so long. We loved and hated eachother like we were sisters.

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out I guess. Thanks.

This is a very hard situation I think so I'm going to try and go one paragraph at a time. Remember that it is always okay to agree to disagree. Even if you do not agree with her life or lifestyle choices...she was your friend. If you were trying to change her into believing the way you do...then you were in the wrong. IF her or her childrens lives were in danger, then yes...you could repeatedly let her know, but in the end, it's her life. Opinions are great....when asked for. That's one thing I always try to remember...and believe me it's easier said than done.

We can't know what truly goes on behind closed doors. He may have been a cheater, may still be...when she has had enough...she'll know it, hopefully. No comments from you or anyone else will really matter to her. We want what is best for our friends, but if things turned out bad because the took our advice, where would that leave the friendship. It's best to say what/how we feel ONCE, then it is their decision.

Kids do need structure, you're right there. As long as they were in your home, they needed to follow your rules. I feel that you, as her friend should have told her the kids needed to go to bed, not your husband. She is your friend. If she wasn't willing to comply with your wishes and rules, then help in getting her home would have been in order.

I would have been worried too about Max after having dropped off Bay. But considering you knew her home life before hand, no matter how close you were with each other...I would never have let her have one of my puppies. But that is in the past now, you have him back. Life lesson...find better homes for puppies, should be a high priority and with a lot of thought.

If you miss her, let her know. She doesn't have to be welcome in your home to be your friend. Lunches, evenings out, whatever...can still build a wonderful friendship. Your husband would rather not be around her and that's his choice, but he should never be allowed to pick your friends. Honor his request that she not come to your home, but he should also honor your feelings in wanting to maintain the friendship. Communication is so key here.

I hope in some way, the friendship can continue, but it will have to have boundaries. We can't change our friends nor should we want to, we accept the things we love about them and try to overlook the things we disagree with.

[Kimberley]

I agree with everyone...especially Magnolia. Friendships that have lasted that long become more than just friendships. To me, she was more or less like a sister to you.

Fights happen between friends. I'm sure that she has also thought about you during this time and may have the same reservations that you have. Here's a suggestion...just send her a "I miss you" card...the ones you find at Hallmark, etc. If she wants to mend fences, she'll call you.

BUUUT, some friendships just grow apart. It happens to the best and longest of friends.

As for your husband giving you an ultimatum, I think that is wrong. It's possible that he's just telling you that because of his own interest (she yelled at him in his home) and not the interest of his wife (you). If she would have been a real blood sister to you, would he feel the same way. Would he still try to make you choose?

My husband has friends that I cannot stand. However, I would never make him choose me over his friends. Your friend was wrong to yell at your husband and she needs to own up to that but your husband is in the wrong...JMO.

One of my closest friends and I were having a conversation one night. We were talking about what we would do if we found out our husbands cheated from each other.

To me, if Tammy told me she knew my husband cheated, I would appreciate her telling me.

She said that if I told her that her husband was cheating, it would (of course) destroy their marriage but that she would blame me for the destruction of their marriage because I was the bearer of bad news. Forget that he was the one that cheated...I was the one that told her. Anyway, I figure that if he's going to cheat (even if I know about it), I would never tell her. Some people are just funny like that.

[SweetCuteness]

Originally Posted by Janet

This is a very hard situation I think so I'm going to try and go one paragraph at a time. Remember that it is always okay to agree to disagree. Even if you do not agree with her life or lifestyle choices...she was your friend. If you were trying to change her into believing the way you do...then you were in the wrong. IF her or her childrens lives were in danger, then yes...you could repeatedly let her know, but in the end, it's her life. Opinions are great....when asked for. That's one thing I always try to remember...and believe me it's easier said than done.

We can't know what truly goes on behind closed doors. He may have been a cheater, may still be...when she has had enough...she'll know it, hopefully. No comments from you or anyone else will really matter to her. We want what is best for our friends, but if things turned out bad because the took our advice, where would that leave the friendship. It's best to say what/how we feel ONCE, then it is their decision.

Kids do need structure, you're right there. As long as they were in your home, they needed to follow your rules. I feel that you, as her friend should have told her the kids needed to go to bed, not your husband. She is your friend. If she wasn't willing to comply with your wishes and rules, then help in getting her home would have been in order.

I would have been worried too about Max after having dropped off Bay. But considering you knew her home life before hand, no matter how close you were with each other...I would never have let her have one of my puppies. But that is in the past now, you have him back. Life lesson...find better homes for puppies, should be a high priority and with a lot of thought.

If you miss her, let her know. She doesn't have to be welcome in your home to be your friend. Lunches, evenings out, whatever...can still build a wonderful friendship. Your husband would rather not be around her and that's his choice, but he should never be allowed to pick your friends. Honor his request that she not come to your home, but he should also honor your feelings in wanting to maintain the friendship. Communication is so key here.

I hope in some way, the friendship can continue, but it will have to have boundaries. We can't change our friends nor should we want to, we accept the things we love about them and try to overlook the things we disagree with.

GREAT suggestions, Janet! You give some awesome advice.

[Willow]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I do really appreciate it. For now I am letting things be.

Also, I think I may have caused some confusion. I had told her kids to go to bed first, and I had laid out the rules before she came over, and it was only after her kids had ignored me that my husband told them to go to bed.

As for her husband, I let that go after I gave my advice to her, and she kept throwing it back to me. I had known he had cheated for two weeks before he told her. I only admitted that I had known when she confronted me about it. I didn't feel it was my place to tell her.

I think that at this point, I am willing to let her know I miss her, but there has been a lot less drama since I haven't had contact with her.

Thank you everyone, for the great advice and insight. and i am sorry I haven't replied...had some computer troubles this week and had to get a new tower. LOL

[rivermom]

Letting go of a long time friendship is like going through a divorce. Not only is it painful, the other emotions that follow are at times extreamely difficult.

One of my friendships of over twenty years is recently over. It's been so horribly difficult and I do miss her. But...right now I feel it's best that we are apart for many reasons.

Friendships like marriages take work. They can never be taken advantage of or ignored.

I hope everything works out with you and the choices you make regarding your girlfriend. I personally can relate to what you are going through and realize how difficult this is on you. I don't really have much advise for you but do want you to know that if you follow your heart I bet you will know what is best for the two of you.

[Miss_Sara]

to be honest
I wouldn't be friends with her
not because of a disagreement
but because she seems to not appreciate you

you sound like a good person
and she is making her own mistake by going back to her idiot husband.

I know what you mean about people being religions that they know nothing about, and just see on television!

You did a good thing taking your dog back
and your friend doesn't seem to put her kids first
that's TERRIBLE
it's going to hurt them, and it's good you are seeing that.

I think you should move on and find new friends.
You have been friends for a long time
but how can she say she was just acting nice for the dog

and if you call her, she'll say "I was just mad when I said that"
but what is the truth? She said that to hurt you, and probablly because it's true
mean comments like that? I always tell the friend right then and there "you should really think about what you just said, but don't ever call me again, because I don't want you in my life to hurt me again" and walk away from them...

it's up to you
but don't let the fact that you are "lonely" cause you to make a mistake.

[Willow]

Thanks again ladies!

I have not contacted her. Instead, I threw myself into my new job and I made two new friends at work. It works so far because we are three TOTALLY different people. I have been dubbed the goodietwoshoes of the three of us. LOLOL that isn't a bad thing. They pick on me because I keep them inline when a sup is coming.

Also, I ran into one of my old friends that I hadn't seen in like 4 years and she has a one year old too! We have decided to get together sometime with our kids since they are comparable in ages...she has 3 and I have 4...and she invited me to her house that day so I stopped by and she didn't get to visit much because she was getting her kids ready for their SET BEDTIME LOLOLOL.

I was once told that when one door closes another opens. I think maybe God was trying to remove someone who was not a positive influence in my life and he brought in a positive influence to replace the negative influence. Does that make sense??