Marriage Counseling?

[BabyNicole]

Originally Posted by Gutu28

How many of yall went to a marriage counselor before you married your hubby? I think its a great idea and have even heard of some churches not marrying couples unless they went to one. Did it help?? Do you wish you would have gone to one if you didnt? DO SHARE!

Well, I know in the Catholic church they have Pre-Cana...which is sorta like counseling/getting to know your spouse better before you marry him/her. But, now, this is my own opinion, but if you need to seek professional counseling before you are married, why is someone getting married in the first place if there are already big problems? You know what I mean?

[Ponyup]

Originally Posted by BabyNicole

Well, I know in the Catholic church they have Pre-Cana...which is sorta like counseling/getting to know your spouse better before you marry him/her. But, now, this is my own opinion, but if you need to seek professional counseling before you are married, why is someone getting married in the first place if there are already big problems? You know what I mean?

That's not really true. All marriages have problems. There are big issue items that you may or may not have discussed before hand because for most people they do not come up in casual conversation;such as, kids, finances, moves, in-laws, I don't know what else, but you get my point. There are a lot of touchy issues that you may or may not deal with without help. Just because you have met & are marring "the one" doesn't mean that their aren't going to be some disagreements & problems. I think you maybe misunderstand what pre-marriage counseling is, you don't go because you have problems, you go to try & pinpiont what your problem areas might be & how to deal with them.

[blowry]

We had what is (or was) called Pre Cana. This was mandatory in order to get married over 29 yrs ago...well..after 19 yrs of marriage and 2 beautiful girls I ended the marriage (verbally abusive, alcoholic).

[SweetCuteness]

I'm not married yet, but I think it would be a great idea to go to pre-marital counseling before getting married. I'm positive my boyfriend is "the one," we're just not engaged yet. We do talk about it often though.

[BabyNicole]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

That's not really true. All marriages have problems. There are big issue items that you may or may not have discussed before hand because for most people they do not come up in casual conversation;such as, kids, finances, moves, in-laws, I don't know what else, but you get my point. There are a lot of touchy issues that you may or may not deal with without help. Just because you have met & are marring "the one" doesn't mean that their aren't going to be some disagreements & problems. I think you maybe misunderstand what pre-marriage counseling is, you don't go because you have problems, you go to try & pinpiont what your problem areas might be & how to deal with them.

It doesn't have to be "true" or "false." It is my opinion. If people haven't discussed those "big" issues before they were married, they may not have been together for long enough to get to those conversations. People jump into marriage now adays, that's why things don't work out. People don't take time for courting anymore. These items should be discussed before hand, and not in casual conversation. In a "come to Jesus" meeting. People nowadays meet, fall in "lust", move in together, have sex, and get married...all before really getting to know each other. How do I know? Been there, done that, and I had those conversatoins first!!! I almost got married too fast too...now I'm glad I didn't. I've realized that there are many things to discuss before you get married. And maybe a counselor can help, but for what? If you're marrying this person you should agree on most things, and if not be able to work them out yourselves. That's what marriage is, compromising. If you need an outside opinion on how to compromise with each other because you want 4 kids and he wants 1, there's gonna be a big problem. If I had to go to a counselor before getting married, I wouldn't marry the man!!! Now, if you're married 10, 20 years and you've both "changed," maybe there could be things to work out. But going beforehand is not something I can see myself doing.

Now, don't think that I'm against counseling, cuz I've been to one before (by myself). It's just, I don't believe a marriage should start out with counseling before the wedding even begins. JMHO.

[Janet]

Okay since we are giving opinions, this is just mine, so please take it for what it is worth...

As in a lot of relationships one may be a little timid to bring up such topics. I know I was. Pre-marital counceling IMO should be mandatory. If it was, then maybe those who would normally "jump" into marriage would think twice, not always I'm sure, but some.

Whether the counceling is done with your Clergyman, Phsycologist, or Marriage councelor I think, IMO, it would help bring out the issues there might be problems with in the future and give tools to help conquer those issues.

Quite a few years ago, I went to talk with a Phsycologist. I was afraid, for some reason to tell my husband. He and I were talking about some of the couples we knew who were seeing "shrinks" and he told me...."man, everyone is going crazy", well I told the shrink what he said and she told me "it's the crazy ones who don't come for help."

I whole heartedly support counceling, because even those couples who are so "in love", are not going to see eye to eye on everything.

There...that's just my opinion..

The reason I like pre-marital counseling is because they help you find ways to keep a marriage working. Now..I am not married, but I am in a serious relationship and I do think it's important for me to know of different ways of communication, compromise, encouragement, etc. I don't think they're telling you how to be married, but they bring out things in each person that you might now have thought about before.

I dont know if anyone has ever read/heard of the book "The 5 love languages" but it bring out points about people that I would have never thought of. It states that everyone has and responds to a certain "love language" whether it be verbal, or performing acitons, etc. Maybe yall should just google it cause I dont think Im explaining it very well.. haha

Anyways, now Im rambling..

[Ponyup]

Sorry Nicole, I didn't mean to offend sometimes my phrasing isn't correct. When I got married I was naive & ignorant about relationships. I didn't do long term relationships. I met my husband & knew he was the one, we were long distance our entire courtship (almost 2 years) & talked alot on the phone. I thought we had talked about everything. We were opposites, but we worked. When we got married & moved in together it was really hard for me. Things weren't perfect & I thought they should be since I married "the one". Well I read a book my cousin gave me & talked to my mom & found out that even if you marry "the one" there will be problems & that first year is hard. Had I gone to counseling I would of had a head ups about this happening & not stressed myself out. I had to learn on my own how to work things out & compromise & we have & we are great now. But had I not had the support system I had I might have left him, thinking since it's not perfect I married the wrong man. Now I know I married the perfect man. I think counseling would of given me a heads up & that would of been nice.

[BabyNicole]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

Sorry Nicole, I didn't mean to offend sometimes my phrasing isn't correct. When I got married I was naive & ignorant about relationships. I didn't do long term relationships. I met my husband & knew he was the one, we were long distance our entire courtship (almost 2 years) & talked alot on the phone. I thought we had talked about everything. We were opposites, but we worked. When we got married & moved in together it was really hard for me. Things weren't perfect & I thought they should be since I married "the one". Well I read a book my cousin gave me & talked to my mom & found out that even if you marry "the one" there will be problems & that first year is hard. Had I gone to counseling I would of had a head ups about this happening & not stressed myself out. I had to learn on my own how to work things out & compromise & we have & we are great now. But had I not had the support system I had I might have left him, thinking since it's not perfect I married the wrong man. Now I know I married the perfect man. I think counseling would of given me a heads up & that would of been nice.

No, you didn't offend me! I'm just hard-headed! LOL Shoot, my ex fiancé and I talked about everything and I thought he was "the one." Man was I mistaken! His excuse, "I just changed my mind." And do you know still after one year (a few days ago) he IMed me wanting a booty call? HELLO!!! You've GOT to be kidding me! But, thank God I did go to counseling after the break-up b/c I learned that it really wasn't "me." I did everything for him, and that wasn't enough. O well, he can go get his booty somewhere else!
But, back to pre-marriage counseling...I can understand what you mean, but it's just not for me, you know? I have a big mouth, and I usually have no problem saying what's on my mind!

[RLC12345678]

Like I said, our church required us to go to premarital counseling before my hubby and I could get married. Like Janet, I think premarital counseling should be a REQUIREMENT before ANYONE can get married! Even though my hubby and I dated for 3.5 years before we got married and talked about everything under the sun, it was really beneficial and healthy for our relationship to get an outside opinion on some issues. We took a personality test that really tapped into areas that would never come up in a conversation. We were also able to get advice from someone who has been successfully married for over 35 years. Learning how he handled situations was really beneficial. He told us that he and his wife NEVER fought until they had kids. Knowing this before hand is really going to help my hubby and I when we decide to have children. We also talked about conflict resolution, finances, career expectations, and a whole lot of other things. We also talked about how "love" is not necessarily a feeling, it is a choice. It is going to be completely natural for my hubby and I to have attractions to other people. But that doesn't mean that we should divorce or that we don't love each other anymore. And just because we are attracted to someone certainly does not mean we should follow through with a physical relationship with someone. Love is not only a feeling, but it is a commitment. When you make a commitment, you should follow through with it. I think there would be many less divorces if people were required to go through conseling before marriage. I think it would prevent a lot of marriages that eventually end in divorce from happening. Just talking through issues such as these that will certainly arise in our marriage will make us more prepared for the future.

[Passionfruition]

Originally Posted by Gutu28

How many of yall went to a marriage counselor before you married your hubby? I think its a great idea and have even heard of some churches not marrying couples unless they went to one. Did it help?? Do you wish you would have gone to one if you didnt? DO SHARE!

We went to a little bit of premarital counseling, yes, and it was really fun. It sparked some fun conversations and boosted our confidence that we were making the right decision! We also like going to marriage conferences once a year or so! This year we went to one where the speaker was Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages! (He is such a great speaker!)

[AngieDoogles]

My hubby and I went to pre-marital counseling because it saved us quite a bit of money on our marriage license. We've been married for three years now. We didn't find it helpful at all, but the "counselor" wasn't that great. It was really boring and all of the questions we were asked, we had already discussed in great detail with each other in private. What helped us more than the counseling was the fact that we knew each other very well. We went through "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman together and discussed what made us feel most loved and what would be the best way to show our love to each other. Of course, we had also discussed all of the "big" questions that are imperative to know before marriage. I think those early conversations have really guided our marriage a lot during the the past three years. Because of the understanding we had with each other about what we wanted from our marriage and what to do to make each other feel loved and how we would handle disagreements, I feel that we have a very happy and healthy marriage that continues to get better and better.

That's just my experience with it. I'm sure pre-marital counseling is very beneficial to some, or even most, couples, but it's important to have the right counselor. That probably would've made a huge difference in our experience.

[Janet]

I started dating my husband when he was 19 and I was 16. We married 3 years later...a little young for me, I think. We didn't really discuss things like finances. I didn't realize my soon to be husband was such a money freak. My Mom handled the finances and I just assumed it was the wife's responsibility.

I can remember when I worked in a store after we were married, I would put a $10.00 purse in lay-away. He only gave me so much money a week and that was it. All of this should have been discussed, but we didn't for some reason. I don't know why, maybe because we were so young.

We separated for a few months and when I came back, I came back older and wiser and now I handle all the finances, but unlike he did, I keep him informed very clearly what is coming due and what is in our checking and savings.

He is still a money freak and will put money back so he can have his own little stash. Don't know where it comes from, but as long as I can pay the bills and have money in the bank, I guess it's okay.

There are so many things we didn't discuss before marrying and I really think, if we had, we wouldn't have married....or at least we would have waited much longer. Who knows what would have happened. I just always encourage those getting married to get pre-marital counceling or at least make sure they talk about everything.

My niece is getting married and won't do counceling. She is very VERY heavy and I think she is afraid things will come out and he will leave..(knowing what I know about her, I would) and she wouldn't be able to find someone else. I know, after many times together with them...this marriage will not last.

[Chandra Amaya]

We did attend martial counseling. It was by a wonderful man who was going to perform our big ceremony for us. We became very close to him. He felt like a grandfather & guiding light to us both. He said that he felt very close to us as well because his son had been murdered just before meeting us. He had lost touch with his spirituality and we gave him a reason to find it again. This is one reason we have trouble bringing ourselves to have our big ceremony. We lost Dillard in August of 04. He was a wonderful man who held on to life long enough to get his son's autospy report & give him a proper burial. 3 weeks after doing so Dilly passed away. He had a shop in a city near us. When you walk into it you can still feel his presence. We still keep in touch with his wife who is a wonderful lady. She sent our daughter a ring when she was born & said it was a gift from her & Dilly. We haven't made it out to see her in a couple of months. I'm glad I saw this thread. I am now making plans to go for a visit next week.

[Lissa]

I'm not getting married without premarital councelling. I'm a stickler about certain things, he's gotta be a Christian, he's gotta talk to my dad before he asks me to marry him, he's gotta be able to pay the bills while I'm in school if I get married before I graduate, he's gotta be honest and not keep important things from me, and he's gotta agree to premarital counceling.

I may not have known the guy I'm with right now for a long time, but we agreed in the beginning to be completely honest with eachother and I know I've got a really good grasp as to who he is, but I think councelling would be imperative cause if we get married I know there are some things that we're not going to think about discussing.

Not to mention I think it would help with those prewedding jitters because you'll have a good idea of how your future may be like. If you don't feel like you should marry them after you've had counceling, then don't. Like the others said, I think that it would stop alot of couples from jumping into marriage if they went through premarital councelling.