Mamograms.....

[DianaB]

It's been a while since I've had a mamogram so the new doctor wanted me to get that taken care of so she would have the results when I come back in in a couple of weeks. It made me think of a joke that I'm hoping to find but in the meantime I've come across a few others. Enjoy.........

If you need a good laugh, get ready because this one will do it for you!
> POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
>
> I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
>
> Everything clear?
>
> I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>
> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toe s and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'
>
> Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
>
> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of s quare glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
>
> 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.
>
> 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
>
> Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
>
> Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
>
> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
>
> After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
>
> Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
>
> 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
>
> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..
__________________________________________________ _______________

[DianaB]

MAMMOGRAMS.......... Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED! Author Unknown

[DianaB]

Ode to a Mammogram:

For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts."

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.



So, I heeded all their warnings.....and protected them by law....

Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.



After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.

He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.



"Stand up very close," the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,

"And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah, yes....that's just fine."



She stepped upon a pedal....I could not believe my eyes,

A plastic plate was pressing down....My boob was in a vice....



My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing......



Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing.....My poor defenseless tit......



"Take a deep breath" she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting!



"There, that was good" I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.

"Now let's get the other one."........"Lord have mercy," I was praying.



It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,

I'll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.



If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now......

If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!



This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt.....

I'd like to get his balls in there.....for months he'd go WITHOUT!

Author Unknown

[Tiramisu]

All are so true!

[Janet]

Oh Diana....you made my day.....hilarious!!!

[Blueyes]

Those were really funny!! Makes me look SO forward to my mammogram next week

[Gina]

Diana

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Blueyes

Those were really funny!! Makes me look SO forward to my mammogram next week

Read post #2 to prepare yourself!!!!!! I had a friend that had a list like this once but I thought that it had more things on it, but I couldn't find it.

Actually I had a good experience, the girl that ran the machine was a friend from church and she was very gentle. You can tell a man made the machine because the corner of the place where you put your arm pit pokes something awful. If it wasn't for that it wouldn't have been so bad.

[Janet]

I remember when my mother-in-law had a mamogram once. She was so upset because she ended up black and blue clear up on her neck and down her sides. She looked like someone beat the crap out of her. I don't think she ever had another one done.

[judy]

I'm so glad your mammo wasn't bad.

Those are hysterical! Thanks for the laughter Diana!

I just had one, and am glad to say that they are much more relaxed than in the city. Down in NYC, they are much more into pulling your breast as well as your belly button into the plates, which they also close as tightly as is humanely possible. I guess they are in torture mode down there due to the stress of living in the city.

[gja1000]

OMG! I can relate to every example in the stories. I would love, just once, to tighten the vise on some man's "jewels" and watch him beg for mercy! LOL!!! If they had to do that to check for testicular or prostate cancer, you can bet your bippy we'd have new technology WITHOUT the vice grip!!!