New daughter in law woes

Can't believe I am to put this in writing, in a forum to boot! But after reading all the other stories I feel safe in doing so....hope I am right!

My son was married here at my house 2 weeks ago, it was a beautiful day and everything turned out just perfect....I made sure what my new daughterinlaw to be wanted.... and then it was done that way (they live out of state so alot I had to do on my own with her aproveal every step off the way) we got along beautifully, she even asked me to stand up as her matron of honor. As a gift to them, the wedding was on us....

At first I thought maybe she was just being a Bridezilla, but as the week went on after the wedding, I figured out, thats just the way she is.

The thing that concerns me is....my son has a 5yr old lil girl, from a previous marriage, that he has sole custody of, daughterinlaw has a lil girl a yr younger than my grandaughter (she is as cute as a button, and I love her as if she were my own) but her daughter lives with her ex husband, she has visitation....what other ppl have seen which I just saw, is how my gradaughter is treated in comparrison to her daughter. I am soo upset over this cause our side of family treats her lil one as one of our own, and that will NEVER change, but my grandaughter is over looked, and not as special as her daughter is to her, it is all her lil one, and EVERYTHING is my grandaughters fault, no matter what happens...the jealousy is soo apparent, it just sickens me. I have approached my son and then my daughter-in- law, as lightly as I can, trying to discuss this with her, but she is not very approachable, and is very opiniated, as in she does no wrong, and is more important, than how a 5yr old is. Even her family, when in for the wedding, went all crazy on her daughter, as in buying gifts and doing special things with her, while my grandaughter was left behind.

I dont know if I am asking advice, or just needing to vent..lol..all in all thanks for whomever reads this, it was just good to say it out loud..even if just in print..

[DianaB]

That's one thing that this place is good for.......venting and talking about our fustrations!!

I am so sorry that this is happening and I can understand your dispair especially since your granddaughter lives with this woman. I really don't have suggestions to fix the problem except maybe you could take your granddaughter to your house when she has her own daughter with her. That would keep your granddaughter from being blamed for everything.

I hope the situation gets worked out. Hopefully the other women will have some suggestions.

[gja1000]

I completely agree with Diana, in that if you can take your granddaughter to your home, when her daughter is visiting, it would be a great help. I can speak from personal experience......

I was a step child and I was always made to feel second class, in every way, every day. My mom could not speak up for me because if she did, she would pay for it from my step father. I was very lucky though, I had a WONDERFUL grandmother with whom I spent every moment I could - which was every weekend and all summer. She lived 13 miles away, so I couldn't stay with her on week nights when I had school. The other thing that helped me was that I grew up in a tiny community and so I didn't spend much time at home, even with i was little. I was from that generation that was gone on my bike till dark, everyday. My home life was not happy, but I was happy away from home with my friends and with my grandma. I think because of the support from my community and my grandma, I was OK, I don't have any psychological scars or anything, but I do understand what your granddaughter may be going through, and it is not pleasant. However, it will help her learn how to deal with difficult people.

I would go back to Diana's advice - I would take to your home whenever possible when the other child visits, and other times too. I would do my best to help her know she is a very special person and that she is not the cause of all problems. I would also encourage her involvement in outside organizaitons - gymnastics, swimming, cheerleading, t-ball - anything where she can be a valued member of the team/group. It will help her to stay busy and away from stepmom more and it will help her to know that she is capable and that she can contribute in a meaningful way - because she may not feel that way at home. I would absolutely, as you have been doing, treat the other child as her equal when they are both with you. It will show your granddaughter how things are supposed to be, and she will remember that. But when it is just your family and your granddaughter, let her know that she is very special and a good girl.

It is a difficult situation. I understand.

Thanks for your kind words, I only wish I could bring her home with me more often, we live 600 miles apart! thats why I am so concerned.....I have tried my hardest to make my son aware of the problems I see, so I pray he is keeping an extra eye out, I also took my grandaughter aside before she left, and tired to convey that grandma could be there in a NY min, if she needs me, and that if anything upsets her, or she is told not to tell anyone something, that thats the first thing she needs to tell me...In front of son and new wife I made it very clear that my grandaughter is to be able to call me at anytime, and have privacy if she is needing it while we talk, since this is a whole new life for her too.
I am planning a trip up to !SURPRISE! them...very soon, so I can see how things are progressing...
I had really dreamed of my son finding a nice women that would think our lil gal was the most special thing in the world, and be the mommy she so deserves. She is such a sweet lil girl, without a mean bone in her body and the most wonderful spirit. I will not allow her to be treated any less, than she deserves to be.
I want you all to know, I do not meddle, and have never had a problem with any daughter or son in law...EVER...they are grown children and they make there own decisions, and I am here if they need me, but something like this I cannot sit back and not say a word, on my grandaughters behalf, if need be.

[Janet]

You rec'd great advice from Gayle and Diana. They have more experience in this than I...I have no grandchildren yet. I hope you and your son are close enough that you can speak with him one on one without him telling his wife everything that was said. He needs to keep on top of this for his daughter's sake.

[gja1000]

I'm so sorry that you live so far away - but maybe you can arrange for her to visit over Christmas and summer vacations. I think that time with you can help with any problems that she may have. Your idea about being able to talk with her and letting her know she can talk to you is very important. I like the idea of the surprise visit too. I think you are doing everything you possibly can. Good luck!

[Blueyes]

Hey Maggie! Welcome to YT!

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with your dil. I know you must be sick with worry about your granddaughter. Maybe you can call and talk to her every few days...or maybe you should just go get her and KEEP her!! Sorry, I know that doesn't help, but it might be worth it

[gja1000]

Maggie - does your son's household have a computer? If so, maybe you could have him set up a webcam so you and your granddaughter could see each other and "talk" on an instant messaging system, like yahoo. I do that with my 12 year old granddaughter who lives 12 miles from me!!! I know your granddaughter may not know how to type on the computer yet, but she will learn FAST, if she doesn't already know.

[Blueyes]

Great idea Gayle!!

You could set up Skype and a webcam so you could see and talk to her at the same time...then she doesn't have to type

[gja1000]

That's right, Betsi! We have used Skype too - I had completely forgotten about that!!!

Thanks everyone for your support, I appreciate it so much!
I did get Iz a web cam before she left and we downloaded it into there computer, I web cammed tonight for about an hour, she was a lil sad, her mama was to come get her for the night and did not show up, typical, thats why my son has custody.....she has already had so much dissappointment in her lil life, thats why I want NO MORE!
I had Iz for 6 weeks this past summer, so that was fantatic, and we will continually do that each summer. I am hoping my son took heed in what I said, it has been just him and Iz since she was 2, and he adores her, I know if he sees anything he will be on it, it is the not seeing I worry about, ya know?

[judy]

That is a sad situation for your granddaughter. Since you get her for the summer, do you think you could have her for school holidays, like Christmas vacation and Easter vacation? Maybe you could go there. Even if you don't stay in their house, maybe you could find a reasonable place to stay and visit with her.

My daughter went through a similar situation with her father. Although she did live with me, when she went to visit her father (summers) in LA, she was treated like a second class citizen. They both hurt her so many times! If her stepmother's son got a Sony Walkman, she would get one too, but hers would be from Walmart and certainly not a Sony! This kind of thing happened all of the time. Then, there was the time her father came home from rehab. They called my daughter, who was about 15 or 16, to fly out so that "the whole family"
c//ould be together when he came home. I could not talk her out of it, and didn't feel that I could forbid her from going. This was her father, and she had to go through everything she did with him to get to the point where she could judge him for herself. That's the kind of person she has always been.

She finally stopped talking her father a few years ago.

Can you share your concerns with your son? If this woman does not have custodfy of of her child, what did she do to only have visitation rights?

It is a very rough place for you to be in, but with your love, your granddaughter will always have you to turn to.

O she will be here, or we will be there for every school holiday, or vacation, I told my husband....till I KNOW everything is alright....

When you said about your daughter getting walmart brand gifts for christmas, and other girl got name brand, that hit home for me, my son came here on christmas eve just with Iz, cause same thing happenedwhen girls opened christmas gifts, he was soo upset, but fiancee followed him down to our home and who knows what she said, but they were back on, to be married....I am so sorry your daughter had to go through this also, it is all so sad.

I am so surprised my son does not see it all, since he is such a good daddy, I am in shock, to tell the truth, he does everything with Iz, weither the new wife likes it or not, he will still do things with her and take her places, then there is an arguement, between new wife and son but he still follows through with IZ, so I am confused why he would put up with it, and not send her packing.

I have loads of friends in the area where my grandaughter lives, so I will have my girlfriends stop in unexpectedly also, as matter of fact my one good friend is picking her up tommorrow to go shopping and to lunch with her....

I wonder too why she does not have custody of her daughter, I see why but do not know any facts wish I could find out.

[Gina]

The women have given you excellent advice. Like Janet I to do not have any grandkids as of yet. I can only imagine what you are feeling. First I am sorry to say this, but how long did your son date this woman before marrying her ? Didn't he see the red lights, my first concern like Judy mentioned is why doesn't her daughter live with her?. That is strange a judge usually has the child live with his or her mother..


If I were you I be on my son's case 24/7 your not interferring at ALL. This is your granddaughter his child.. I am sorry but she sounds like the wicked stepmother..You continue to be the loving grandmother I know that its hard for she is young , let her know that you are there for her and that she can always talk to you about anything..

Good luck, I hope that your son will take care of the situation soon.

[Marilyn]

You've got some good constructive and supportive communication going with some of the ladies on here. All I can do is say that I'm here to listen too if you need another shoulder. No experience in this area, but will pray that your granddaughter feels your love for her every day and that your daughter-in-law matures some and realizes what she is doing and decides to do the right things.